The One About Light Bulbs
February 03, 2004

hi kids,

i'm gonna let you in on a little secret.
i'm notoriously bad at buying light bulbs.

it's not that i forget to buy light bulbs, oh no, if i have to replace a bulb and there are no spares in the house then i'll go out immediately and buy a bulb. i'm like The Flash when it comes to changing bulbs.

problem is, it's never the right bulb. i tend to overthink the whole thing. and even, even if it's fool proof, even if say, the light in the oven goes out and i run out to buy a special appliance bulb because that's the kind of bulb you have to buy when you replace a bulb in an appliance. for some reason known only to god, that special appliance bulb will not fit in my oven. and when i finally get to taking apart the fixture in the oven i will realize that i've never, never, never seen a bulb that looks like the bulb in my oven. because like, the oven is japanese or something. and the heavens laugh, and my oven goes lightless.

that's okay. i can live with a dark oven. it's not a big deal. still, it makes me feel a little stupid when i can't change a bulb.

a couple of years ago when laura and i lived at Bad Ol' Apartment 711 we had one of those torchiers lamps. it was in the living room and it was the only light source in that room. one day the bulb went out, as bulbs are prone to do, right? well, this wasn't a normal bulb. it was a halogen bulb.

ok fine. it's not a big deal. for some reason we both thought we'd be able to handle such a responsibility. after all, there are two of us. that's two brains! working together! masterminds!

so i go to take the bulb out and both of us, both of us think that it's going to be one of those long, weird halogen bulbs. 'cos that's what goes in that type of lamp. we know that. we've changed bulbs in lamps like that before. this should not be a difficult task.

so imagine our surprise when i remove what can only be some kind of backwards australian light bulb. it's like a normal bulb only it's flat on top, it's transparently opaque (?!), and weighs about a pound and a half.
(!!!)

j: what's...this?

l: y'know, for some reason i was expecting one of those long weird bulbs.

j: yeah. me too. it's..it's heavy.

l: and round, yet...flat.

j: it's opaque, yet...clear.

l: should we take the bulb with us when we go to wal-mart?

j: nah. i'm pretty sure we'll recognize one of these.

and we would have, if they had had such a bulb. we went over and over that wall of bulbs, looking and cursing to no avail. and let me tell ya, i have since looked for that mysterious bulb. in fact, everytime i go out for light bulbs i check to see if they have any "australian" halogen bulbs. i've yet to find one.

so there we are, in the bulb section.

l: well, i guess a regular bulb will fit.

j: yeah, the screw thingie is the same size. at least we have that going for us.

l: so how many watts?

j: watts?

l: watts.

j: i have a confession to make.

l: yeah?

j: the only thing i know about light is that one lumen equals one candlepower. and candlepower is the light of one candle at a certain distance.

l: candlepower?

j: and for some reason i'm thinking that the distance is like, a mile or something. but that can't be right, can it? i mean, can you see a candle flame a mile away?

l: then what's a watt?

j: watts measure like, energy or something. the watt is meaningless in terms of light.

l: are you sure?

j: not at all. i have no idea what i'm talking about and further more i feel like a such a stupid girl. i want to be a smart girl. a girl who can go out and buy light bulbs as easily as picking out a ripe piece of fruit or the perfect cut of beef.

l: can you pick the perfect cut of beef?

j: i dunno. i've never had to, but i'd like to think i could if i were put in that position.

l: what if you were put in the position to buy a light bulb?

j: shut up.

we look around some more. hoping this time we'll see the crazy halogen bulb that we came in for in the first place.

l: we have college degrees.

j: and jobs, don't forget jobs. we contribute to society.

l: yet we've been standing here for 18 minutes and we still haven't picked out a bulb.

j: hey, did you see that lady come by and just snatch a bulb right off the shelf? i don't even think she looked at it! amazing!

l: yeah, look can we just get a 75 watt bulb and go home?

j: she must've been like, an electrician or something.

l: so, 75 watts?

j: means nothing to me. how many lumens?

l: 1,200.

j: hm. that sound like a lot of candles.

l: what?

j: let's get this 40 watt number here with the 455 lumens. that sounds about right.

l: ok. can we go home now?

so we get back to the apartment and i screw in the new bulb and we turn on the light and i'm sure you know already, as you've probably bought light bulbs before and you're probably not an idiot like me, that the 40 watt bulb was not very bright. at all.

l: *blink blink* oh my gosh.

j: *blink* heh, i think it got darker when i turned on the light.

l: *blink* hahahahaha this is funny. *blink blink*

j: hahahaha i know! *blink blink* this is ridiculous! hahahaha!

l: gah, it's making me dizzy. *blink*

j: hahahahahahaha oh man, my stomach is all loopy! hahahahaha! *blink blink* i'm going to turn this off now.

so anyway, it has been my limited experience that 40 watt bulbs are useless. we did go back and buy a different bulb, but for the life of me i can't remember what kind we got.

the outside light at that apartment ate bulbs on a monthly basis and it finally got to the point where we stopped buying bulbs for it. it didn't matter 'cos our neighbor lady's light was always on anyway. and even if hers hadn't been on it still wouldn't have mattered because it never actually got dark at those apartments. ever. ever. it was very hard to fall asleep there the first couple of months. laura's room had the lights from the parking lot and my room had the lights from the retirement home and bowling alley streaming in all. night. long. and i believe i've mentioned the birds before?

anyway the whole reason for this is that two weeks ago i was late for a get-together at a friend's house. so i called them on my way to let them know that yes, i'm on my way and please forgive me for not calling sooner as i was buying a light bulb and it took me a few minutes.

liz: you're late because you were buying a light bulb?

j: ye-es.

liz: heh. heh-heh.

j: don't-

liz: bahhahahahahaahahahahahahaaaaaaaahahahahaa!

j: shut up, shut up, shut up!

liz: hahahaaaaaaaaaahahahahaha!

j: look, i can't HELP IT! I'M A TOTAL MORON, OK? ARE YOU HAPPY?! IS THAT WANT YOU WANT TO HEAR?! HUH?! I'M A COMPLETE DUMBASS AT BUYING LIGHT BULBS! BUT MY LAMP ON THE NIGHTSTAND WENT OUT AND IF I DON'T READ BEFORE I GO TO BED THE MONSTERS COME AND TRY TO KILL ME OKAY?! IS THAT OKAY?!

liz: hahahahaha so what did you get?

j: ummmm, 60 watts...i think. yeah. 60.

liz: BAHhahahahahahahaahaaaaa!

j: what? what?! what's wrong with 60?

liz: for your lamp? next to your bed? the reading lamp?

j: ...yeah?

liz: BAHhahahahahahaahaaaaaa!

j: it's going to be too bright isn't it?

liz: hahahahahahahahahaaaaaa

j: i hate incandescence.

so anyway i get to the house and i'm talking with liz about why it is i can never, ever get it right.

j: it's just...i don't get it.

l: it's just light bulbs. what's your problem?

j: my problem is watts.

l: and?

j: i don't get the watts. watts isn't a measure of light.

l: oh yeah, it's like a unit of energy, right?

j: exactly. so why do we go by watts? that just tells you how much power it will draw, not brightness. it's all about lumens, and nobody knows anything about lumens.

l: okay now explain to me what a lumen is again?

j: it's a measurement of light and it's equivalent to so many candlepowers per square foot. but actually i don't think candlepower is used anymore. they call it a candela. i think. but i'm not sure of any of this because they never teach you useful stuff like this in school.

l: i know! and the watt is useless?

j: in determining how much light is going to shoot out of a bulb, yes. mostly. yes.

l: so the watt is electricity.

j: well, it's electrical energy. i think it's one joule per second or something silly like that.

l: oh! i just learned that volts divided by watts? maybe? equals amps?

j: hmmm. no you're thinking of Ohm's Law. amp=volt/ohm.

l: oh yeah!

j: wait. did i just...? Ohm's Law? where did that come from? i know Ohm's Law? am i...am i dreaming?

l: you spout Ohm's Law off the top of your head and you still can't buy a light bulb?

j: it's hopeless. i'm a total shemp at light bulbs.

l: you know so much and yet...

j: ...i'm completely in the dark.

l: ooh. that was bad.

j: yeah it was, even for me.

next week's epitomb: hopefully cowboy zydeco (he's a smarty) will write me a very cool and easy to read e-mail explaining lumens and light bulbs to me. and then i could share it with the rest of the class. 'cos maybe, just maybe there's another light bulb idiot out there that needs help.

jaimie "many lumens" pickle