The One About My Fabulous Ulcer
February 17, 2004

hi kids,

so. i've got this ulcer. and it really hurts.
and you know it's not a normal one.
nope, my ulcer isn't just some boring, laid back, midwestern, yawn-worthy south dakota ulcer. nope. no, it's not some corn husking, bread basket, where the wind comes sweepin' down the plains, surrey with the fringe on top, oklakansas ulcer. nay.

he's a flaming queen straight from miami's south beach! everyone meet Chalupa!

by day he's a whiny bitch in a smart pair of slacks, but at night he's queened out in a dress, heels and diva hair. he performs nightly in my stomach. he sings upside down by ms. ross, on the radio by donna summer, and he finales with new york, new york complete with liza wig. then he goes to the bar and proceeds to drink 900 girlie froo-froo drinks. then he takes all the umbrellas and pointy swords from the drinks and jams them into my duodenum.

we've almost reached a state of symbiosis. i let him eat away at my innards and he gives me fashion advice that i don't take. then he bitches about how i never leesten to heem.
"hi-may," he says, "ju neber leesten to me. ju always hurting my feelings. why ju so hateful?"

"shut up, chalupa."

"see? why ju hate miss chalupa so much?"

"chalupa, i'm trying to read. don't you have some songs to sing or something?"

"why ju dis miss chalupa, huh? i know why. ju are jealous."

"wh- jealous? of an ulcer? are you out of your- ow! what was that?"

"a blue sword, beetch."

"dammit chalupa. you've got to stop drinking so much. and please, for the love, stop ordering rum drinks! i hate rum."

"i don't care what ju hate, beetch. miss chalupa drinks the daquiris. ju need to lighten up."

"i need to read my book so if you could just shut- ow! stop- ow!"

"ju need to get laid, hi-may."

"we are not going there, chalupa."

"aw, poor hi-may. what's wrong- ieee! what ees that? ow!"

"it's called orange juice, chalupa. it's a mixer."

"ju beetch! mean, hateful beetch!"

"that's me."

"ju just need some sexing."

"shut it, chalupa."

"miss chalupa thinks that- ow! beetch!"

"slut!"

"prude!"

"whore!"

"c- ow!"

"that's it. i'm taking a nexium."

"oh! like that gonna scare miss chalupa? we both know i'll be back in four hours. besides the purple really gives this place a splash of color."

"bye, chalupa."

"see you later, you freegid beetch."

and sadly, chalupa is right. nexium-shmexium wears off really fast.

other conversations i've had with chalupa:

"ow, chalupa, what's going on?"

"hmm? so now ju talking to miss chalupa?"

sigh. "ye-es. what's going on in there?"

"oh well we were watching-"

"we? we who? who else is down there?"

"oh just some bacteria and stuff. by the way, i hooked up with some hot e.coli last night, aiee! he could do it all-"

"chalupa! i don't wanna hear about your latest, ok? just tell me what's goin on down there."

"ju neber let me have fun. beetch. we were watching the tv and the juan stamos was talking about the telephones. girl, he is so hot."

"i know! he is walking hotness."

"ah! so the freegid beetch warms up, huh?"

"bye chalupa."

and on sunday night we had this conversation:

"yo, chalupa."

"aie, girl, ju are so rude. what?"

"can you help me with something?"

"aieeeeee! i have been waiting for ju to ask me for so long! first, we start weeth the eyebrows. girl, ju have to pluck those, ogay? then i teach you the eye liner. ju actually do ogay weeth the leepsteeck, but ju need more colors. ogay? then-"

"wait! chalupa no! i'm not asking for make-up advice from you okay? jeez."

"uh! why not! why not from miss chalupa?!"

"well number one, i don't want your advice and number two, you're an ulcer. hello?"

"ju are just the meanest, i swear."

"look, i was just wondering if you could tell me what has been going on in my colon? i've had some bad, er, times this weekend. you know anything about that?"

"maybe. but why should i tell el chupacabra anything?"

"el chupa-? oh. i get it. cute. real cute."

"yeah, well if the zapatos fits..."

"chalupa, the colon? ow!"

"take that, beetch. taste the wrath of my peenk sword!"

"ow! what the hell has been going on in my colon all weekend?!"

"oh that. beeg party. my niece was having her quinces."

"your niece? ...what?"

"si, si. it was verrrrry beeg deal."

"niece?!"

"si, she ees my seester's keed."

"sister? wha? wait. you mean your niece has been in my colon for 15 years? what? this is crazy. i can't- ow! oww!"

"leesten, ju need to settle down. thees ees why you have the ulcers. ju need to go weeth the flow, girl."

"thanks chalupa, i'll keep that in mind."

"jur sarcasm is not wanted, chupacabra."

"bye chalupa."

"i'll be back in four hours, beetch. and i'll be on my 14th daquiri."

so now you've met chalupa.

also, i do feel a little crazy for personifying a physical malady. but what makes me really uncomfortable is how easy it was to do. i think i'm cracking up.

scottie of the cube has updated her gastric bypass blog! i like how comfortable she is talking about diarrhea.

next week's epitomb: i kill chalupa with a nexium-prevacid-pepto cocktail.

jaimie "el chupacabra" pickle