The One About My Free iTunes Song
Special Guest Star: God
March 17, 2004

hi kids,

so the other day i was out and about (sh-sh-shopping at w-w-w-walm-mart), and i decided that i was thirsty. not only was i thirsty but i was, in fact, craving a soft drink. and my craving even went so far as to be very specific as to which soft drink i wanted.

a rootbeer would not quench my thirst.
a sprite or 7up uncola type drink would not quench my thirst, nay!
a mountain dew (the sweet, life-giving nectar of my generation) would not quench my thirst.

in fact! the only thing i wanted at that exact moment was a pepsi. and by god, not anything was going to get in my way of purchasing and consuming a can of pepsi. and lucky for me, god placed a drink machine right in my path and spake, "jaimie, i know you want a pepsi. go ahead, my child, and drink. your earthly thirst will be quenched...for a short time."

"o lord," i replied, "you are just way too good to me."

"i know."

"wait, these are bottles. don't they have cans?"

"oh you're kidding me. i give you-"

"for the love! a dollar?!"

"did you just interrupt-"

"this is how they get ya! they make you buy a dollar drink when all you really need is a cheap can drink."

"are you-"

"and everyone knows the cans are colder!"

"why do i even try with you?"

"bottles. bottles! sheesh. my whole day has been like this. everytime i turn around-"

"what if i told you that the next bottle of pepsi that comes out of that machine has one of those winning iTunes caps."

"-i'm having to pay for...winning caps? hello? god? did you say winning cap? i'll win? be a winner?"

the crazy homeless guy on the bench next to the machine was all, "ye-es, he said winning cap."

so i actually sat there a moment and thought, 'hmm, maybe i should let someone else get the winning cap. y'know, maybe someone is having a really bad day and winning an iTunes will cheer them up so much that they'll forget that they had planned to go home and slit their wrists and lay in a bathtub. yeah that might...well, that's really only a temporary solution to their problem. and they would probably totally waste the free iTune on some stupid, depressing Cure song in their attempt to be angsty-melancholy-cool. and then later on, when they realize that they totally wasted it on a Cure song they will kill themselves. so i should probably wait and make sure that the next person to buy the soda isn't some dopey kid.'

"i can't believe you're not-"

'or maybe the next shmo to come by here to get a pop is some slob who doesn't even HAVE the internet, who doesn't even KNOW about iTunes, and who, upon seeing the winning code will be confused and just throw the cap out of his car window not ONLY throwing away a FREE SONG but also LITTERING like a COMPLETE TOOL.'

then the homeless guy was all, "are you gonna buy the pepsi or what? i mean, what do i have to DO to get you to BUY the pepsi? the pepsi, i might add, with the WINNING CAP!"

"HEY!" i yelled and pointed at the guy, "let's not get all joan of arcadia here okay?! i'm thinking. gimmie a second, a'ight?!"

"look, nobody is gonna kill themselves because of the free song okay? it's your pepsi. now get it and go!"

"wait. what if you're the devil and you're tempting me with a pepsi with a winning cap? i'm totally on to you and your wicked plan!"

"do you realize that you make it very hard for me to be nice to you?"

"why are you being nice to me?"

"what?! i'm god, jaimie! that's what i do!"

"yeah but,-"

"but nothing! listen, remember back in december you said you weren't going to download anymore songs illegally?"

"*gasp* you were listening? that wasn't a prayer!"

"ANYWAY, i thought i'd throw you a bone since you've done so well with not downloading songs illegally."

"oh. well, thank you. that's very-"

"and jaimie? i'm totally listening. all the time."

"right, of course. i mean-"

"and jaimie?"

"...yes lord?"

"we're gonna work on your lack of respect."

"oh."

"yeah."

"um, sorry lord. i'll just purchase that pepsi now. you know, the one with the winning cap? um, thank you."

so anyway, i give the machine a dollar and it spits out a bottle of pepsi. so i take it and walk to my jeep and get in and open the pepsi and in complete surprise i say, "hey cool! i won!" and the homeless guy walks by shaking his head in disbelief.

yeah, so it didn't happen exactly like that, but pretty close.

i give thee:
www.churchsigngenerator.com

and laura found this while making the wonderful graphique at the top of this page.

next week's epitomb: what song did jaimie download?

jaimie "mmmm pepsi" pickle