The One About Some Advice to Kids
April 07, 2004

this weekly is rated 'R' because i use some swear words.
man, i love using swear words.

hi kids,

this weeks epitomb goes out to all the internet savvy kids out there ages 12 - 19. first of all, i'm not really smart enough to give advice to people. but i have three things that i feel are important enough to bring to the table. three things that you really need to read and think about. three things that you will totally ignore because you're a kid and you're invincible and there's no way in hell you'd ever listen to Ol' Auntie Jaimie anyways.

1. high school will be/is the worst time of your life. you are a teenager and you are miserable and there is no one on earth who can relate to you. your parents might think they know all about it, since after all, they were teenagers once, but let's be real here, they've long forgotten about the pain and loneliness of teenagerdom. hell, even i have, and my teenage years weren't that long ago. sure, i still know that teenage years are bad and horrible, but really, i can't relate anymore. and neither can your parents. no matter how much they tell you they can.

you know why?

because even if you do go to them and tell them all the bad and horrible details of your teenage life (and i'm talking about how the boys or girls at school don't notice you, and that that stupid maria bitch is always mean to you at lunch, or how in PE you suck so bad at basketball that even your older brother laughs at you. i'm NOT talking about anything life altering here like the coach raping you or that you're anorexic.) your parents are going to sit there and listen to you and then tell you how great you have it that you don't have to pay taxes and hold down a career and make sure that there's food on the table and blah blah blah oh yeah, you have it just so bad well believe me it gets worse. i mean car insurance alone for christ's sakes!

so see, your problems of sports, boys suck, girls are mean, and The Prom are inconsequential to The Adult Mind because mature adults know something that you don't:

a. high school sucks ass
b. it lasts but a short time

now. if an adult ever tells you that your teenage years/high school years should be/are the "Best time of your life" here's what i want you to do.

grab their nipples and give them a Tittie Twister.

because obviously they have lost focus and cannot remember their own pain. and they need a physical reminder of what pain is. and let's face it, nipple twisting hurts. it's something we all have in common. adults and kids alike can relate to nipple pain. now, remind them that you are going through a four-year period of emotional turmoil that can only physically be expressed as nipple pain. a four-year Tittie Twister, if you will.

here's the thing. only idiots and old people tell you that being a teenager is the best time of your life.

a. old people don't have great memories. so they only remember how pretty so and so's dress was at the prom and that so and so was the football captain. they don't usually talk about how suzy weller got pregnant or that frankie lipschitz got beat up not because he flirted with someone's best girl but actually because he was gay.

they remember the quaint things like how hank fixed up that old jalopy in shop class and everyone would get to ride it on the weekends and that the show was only a dime and you could get a candy bar for a nickel.

and nobody talks about segregation.

old folks remember that high school was so great because for them, it was the time right before all the boys were drafted to the service to go fight the krauts and the japs. it was the time that the girls could see their beaus everyday before they were drafted and had to wait at home to see if their boyfriend/husband would be coming home from the war whole or in pieces.

so yeah old people remember high school as a time of sweet innocence and hot rod cars. frankly, i can't blame them a bit.

b. the idiots who tell you that that high school is the best time of your life either

1. are relating it to the pressures of being an adult. which is unfair to the teenager or
2. got pregnant (or got someone pregnant) right after high school and never went to college and got to have all that College Fun and instead had to get married to the kid because That's The Right Thing To Do* and now they feel that their life is over because they're only 25 and have a 6 year old and a 2 year old and they're both working minimum wage jobs while grandma watches the kids all day long. and for them, high school was the last time they had any freedom.

*sometimes, it's just not the right thing to do.

so jaimie, what are you telling us? that life gets easier after high school?

no. but it does get better. especially if you go to college.

i'm not saying that higher education is the only way to benefit your life or anything. nay. i'm just saying that it will probably help. first of all, because you're learning stuff you want to learn. secondly, because you're learning stuff you want to learn with other people who want to learn that stuff too so there you are surrounded with likeminded peers. and thirdly, there's more freedom and you actually learn and grow from it. really, you do. you don't realize it at the time, and okay fine, what do i know?

college isn't the only option. i mean, there's always the military. and though i never joined an armed force, i assume it's kinda the same thing but with ammo.

this brings me to item #2. if you go to college, major in whatever you want, but please for the love, also learn a skill.

go ahead and major in that subject you love no matter how unmarketable it is. really. be the philososhpy major who is too smart for your own good, who can only talk to other philosophy majors. be that sculptor. double major in poli-sci and geology. i don't care. go. learn. have fun. but while you're at it, get a teaching degree. you're gonna need it.

fine. don't then. see what happens.

now, let's say you don't wanna go to college and you don't want to join the military. well, i don't blame you one bit. so you just march yourself to the closest vo-tech and learn you a skill. if i had it to do over i would totally be an electrician or mechanic. 'cos you can charge out the ass for your mad skillz.

okay the #3 thing that i want to tell you is for the girls only.

listen up girls.
don't make any friends that are girls. and if you HAVE to then make sure you only have two friends. don't even be nice to other girls. because what happens later on is that after you graduate from college (and sometimes before) all your girlfriends start getting married. and you have to be a goddamned bridesmaid for each friend you ever make. so you end up with like, 9 ugly-ass dresses tailor-made to fit your body stuck in your closet.

and the wedding, which is "only gonna be a short ceremony" will ALWAYS take up your whole saturday, and chances are, it's in the summer. so you've worked all week long and saturday is coming up and all you want to do is swim in the pool and drink margaritas all day long, but no, you gotta be at the church at 10am and the service starts at 2pm and then you gotta stay for the whole goddamn reception because YOU HAVE to stay and try to catch the bouquet because if YOU DON'T STAY then you're a total jerk even though you've basically already given the best part of your saturday to the newlyweds anyway, but heaven forbid you leave before they throw the fucking flowers. even though you've caught 3 bouquets from previous weddings. even though your feet hurt from wearing those cheap-ass sandals that the bride's mom found on sale. even though you love these people and would give them anything they ask for and why couldn't they have just asked for $200 instead of asking for my whole saturday?

for future reference, saturdays in the summer are worth about $200.

so listen girls. only have two friends close enough to you that would be comfortable to ask you to be a bridesmaid. because really, being a bridesmaid twice is okay. kinda exciting even. but the excitement wears off soon. and then when someone asks you to be in their wedding you want to give them $200 and say, "i don't think so."

oh. and when someone tells you that wedding days are full of happiness and bliss, give 'em a Tittie Twister. 'cos obviously they've never been in a wedding. they've only been one of the asshole guests who sat around and ate all the food.

and unless you want to give up every single one of your saturdays from may-december, never ever never never be a wedding photographer. never. ever never.

so there you have it kids. three tidbits of advice from Ol' Auntie Jaimie.

next week's epitomb: jaimie paints herself into a corner

jaimie "smells like teen spirit" pickle