The One About My Spider-Senses are Tingling
it's called a "headache" jaimie.
May 04, 2004

hi kids,

the other day my father and i went to a friend's house to pick up dad's pressure washer. so we get out of the truck and we walk through the carport to knock on their door to tell them that we are picking up the pressure washer. so we're half way in the carport and, "OH MAN! ow! OW! what is THAT?"

"what's what?" dad asks.

"that sound. OW. THAT SOUND!"

"what sound?"

"you mean you can't OW OH GOD hear that sound?"

"no. what's it sound like?"

"it's like an ear peircing GAHHHH pulse of some kind."

"i'm gonna go inside and tell them we're taking the pressure washer."

"i'm gonna AAAAAAAAH get out of the carport OW."

this noise is really intense. and the closer i got to the door the more intense the noise got. so i got out of the carport but i could still hear the sound. it wasn't as intense as inside the carport, but it was still annoying. when i walked to the street i could not hear it.

so i walked back towards the carport. i'm certain i looked like a madwoman.
"gah! there it is! but where is it? it's almost like there's a OW OH OW bug or something making that noise. maybe it's some kind of SWEET JESUS MAKE IT stop, mating call? insects make noises like that right? hmmm. BAH! MY HEAD!"

by the time i finished my first monologue i was back at the door in the carport. the noise was MOST INTENSE. it was painful. actual pain lives in this noise.

"OW MAKE THE PAIN STOP. what the hell? that is OW DAMN not natural. no way bugs BAAAAAH mate to that. this is evil." so i walked back out and the noise lessened and my head started throbbing, but at least my ears weren't being assaulted.

it was so weird. i couldn't let it go.
i had to know what was making that awful noise!

so i walked back in. by this time the noise was really getting to me since i now had a headache. pain. from noise. PAIN. i had to find out what it was. 'cos the way i saw it, since it drew first blood (headache) it was time for me to return the favor, so to speak. 'cos honestly, i thought it was a bug and i really, really wanted to kill it. well, first i wanted to study it and THEN i would kill it.

so there i am 3 feet from the door and i'm looking everywhere for some kind of bug. and i'm looking and looking. scanning all over. i've got my arms hugging my head to cover my ears BUT STILL THE NOISE PENETRATES THROUGH MY SHIRT SLEEVE SHEILDS. and also, i'm making noises. trying to fight back with my own noise. "AH! UGH! oh gosh this is WAH! OH, where are you you little GAHHHH i'll kill you SOOOO dead. you won't KNOOOW what hit you. DIE!"

the noise pulse persists. and i slowly lose my mind. the noise has pierced my cloth armour. it has brought me to my knees. i try crawling my way out but, it has shattered my brain and melted my internal organs. and just as it started to impregnate me with it's evil, hi- fi hell spawn that would gestate and birth right inside my body and then eat it's way through my liquified organs (which are full of the nutrients that the baby noises need for the first two weeks of life) i manage one last attempt to break free of the Carport of Danger Sound. i jump/scream/tuck and roll my way out. finally stopping right before landing in the street.

"HA HA! HELL NOISE! YOU THOUGHT YOU HAD ME! NAY! YOU'LL NEVER WIN! EVER! NEVER EVER!"

so then i took off my jacket and tied it around my head and charged into the carport once again looking for the offending bug. GACK. it's right HERE at the DOOR. but where IS IT coming from? BAH.

THERE! it's a BOX. a box? what does it say...transsounder? GOD THE NOISE. oh for the LOVE. it's one of THOSE high-frequency machine THINGS that's supposed to get RID OF mosquitos. and MY GOD it pulses OUT the noise in 2 SECOND intervals.

mystery solved.

so i'm back out in the driveway near the street where the sound is nearly unheard and dad comes back outside.

"dad! i figured out the what the sound is! you won't believe this."

"what sound? why is your jacket on your head?"

"c'mere."

so we walk back to the carport.
"can you hear it yet?"

"hear what?"

"that shrill pulse? it's like every 2 seconds."

"i don't hear anything."

so we get closer and closer to the door. my head is SPLITTING IN TWAIN. my eyes are squinty and my teeth are clenching.
"do you...hear it....now?"

"nope nothing. what is wrong with you?"

"you see...that box...right there? it's...one of those...mosquito repellent...noise boxes."

"really?" he says as he picks the box up.

*gasp* "really. and see....the thing is...i can hear it."

"no kidding?" he picks up the box and puts it right up to his ear, "i can't hear OH SHIT OW!" he puts it back down and was all, "oh that was horrible! i think i've damaged something."

we walk out and i untie my makeshift helmet.

"so you couldn't hear that until you put it up to your ear?"

"no. and i wish i hadn't done that. i think it killed my ear."

"it probably just laid it's eggs in there."

"what?"

"i said that i don't think people should be able to hear that noise. it's so horrible. what would be the point of sitting outside bug-free if your ears are gonna be treated to that?"

"yeah, but i couldn't hear it until it was right in my ear. you must have super hearing."

super hearing? Super Hearing?

it was like saying the word money to a compulsive gambler, like where the dollar signs cha-ching in their eyes? and the chips start to fall and the jackpot cherries click click click into place? only for me it was all "super hearing hearing hearing. super hearing hearing hearing." echoing in my head and visions of me saving the day by disassembling a bomb and hearing the cry of a small child who had somehow got stuck in a ravine and telling some old lady in the supermarket parking lot that her carburetor's timing is off and she should have that checked out soon.

think of it! an actual Super Power! for me!
the Hearing Aide! (HA!) able to detect very annoying high-frequency noises 20 feet away from the source while contracting a splitting headache from said noise!

so very practical.

man, my Super Power would suck wouldn't it?
my Super Power is also my Kryptonite? lame.

nah, i'm trading in my Super Hearing for Healing Power. that way, when all my other Super Hero Friends and i are out Battling Evil and Keeping the Streets Safe and one of us gets hurt, i can heal up to like, 400 hit points or something.

geeker.

next week's epitomb: holy decibel, Hearing Aide! jaimie gets a sidekick!

jaimie "it's like one of those Wine Hangover Headaches" pickle