The One About Dangerous Places
Tuesday, June 26, 2001
'allo keeds. heeeer eez da veekly. enyoy.
it's summertime now, and with summer comes vacation. vacation = travel. travel is good. travel is fun. it's good and fun when it's safe, right? well, thank god that the the state department has issued some travel warnings urging americans to avoid certain areas. apparently there are some really dangerous places out there.
and we can thank god again that the associated
press has published an article about these warnings including a
list of the countries and areas to avoid. here's the list,
Afghanistan, Albania, Algeria, Angola,
Bosnia-Herzegovina, Burundi, Central African republic, Colombia,
Congo, Guinea-Bissau, Indonesia, Iran, Iraq, Israel - the West
Bank and Lebanon, Gaza, Liberia, Libya, Macedonia, Nigeria,
Pakistan, Republic of Congo, Sierra Leone, Solomon Islands,
Somalia, Sudan, Tajikistan, Yemen, and finally, Federal Republic
of Yugoslavia.
thanks for the warning you guys! perhaps the state dept. and AP
could combine their efforts and do something really helpful like
wipe the drool from our chins before tucking us in at night.
really, every country on that list has
either been at war with it's violent, border country (under
pretext of a religious war or "just because") or
has been enduring it's own civil war complete with tyrannical,
oppressive government, bloodthirsty rebels, and zero economy
since BEFORE the united states became a country.
so here, for your reading pleasure, are descriptions of ten (10) countries from the list. i've done just enough research on these countries to know that i know NOTHING about these countries thus making me an expert. and i'm not here to paint a bleak picture of these countries (ha), you can decide for yourself if these places sound dangerous, adventurous, romantic, or even quaint! at the end of each description you'll find a quote from a travel poster of that country.
in no particular order, except that i did save afghanistan for last:
10. Pakistan. If you like to hike, this is the
place for you! The Islamic Republic of Pakistan has some of
Asia's most beautiful landscapes. Or perhaps you'd like to
sample some of the culture and history? I hope you're into
martial law and Islam! But if not, I won't tell if you won't
tell! Some of Pakistan's biggest industries include robbery
and gun-running, both of which you, being an American, will get
to experience first hand!
"Come experience the awsome
landscapes, cultural diversity, incredible history, and communal
violence that is simply Pakistan!"
9. Albania. Lush mountain forests,
incredible blue Adriatic waters, and the warm Mediterranean sun
more than make up for it's rampant crime,
assassinations, and "Soviet-style
inefficiency". In fact, you'll never run out of things
to do in Albania. Romantic walks along the sandy Adriatic
coast are a must. Or take a tour of one of the many
vineyards, mosques, or Chinese sweatshops!
"Albania. So much to do, so little time."
8. Colombia. From Caribbean beaches to Andean
valleys, this is the place for a true traveler. Beautiful
scenery, relaxing coastline, and cocaine cartels are all part of
the charm that Colombia has to offer. And boy, does
Colombia ever like American tourists! Why, in 1998 alone, at
least 2000 people were kidnapped while on holiday in Colombia!
Take that Argentina!
"Steeped in myth, mysticism, and
guerrilla insurgency....ah! Livin' la vida Locombia!"
7. Sierra Leone. Nothing says, "maybe this
wasn't such a good idea" like the costal belt of mangrove
swamps, oppressive heat, and sandstorms of Sierra Leone. And if
the environment doesn't kill you the bloody civil war will!
And while child prostitution is rampant, be sure to bring the
kids, if you find yourself in a bind, you'll have something to
barter with until you can reach the Liberian border!
"Follow your heart and the Guinean refugees to Sierra Leone,
you won't live to regret it!"
6. number 6 was going to be Macedonia, but seeing as how there's never a number 6, well. Macedonia gets the shaft. again. "400,000 Albanian refugees agree, The Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia is the place to be!"
5. Congo. Once again Africa proves that
"Hey, we aren't embarrassed of our widespread slaughter of
civilians!" Various militias, government troops, and Belgian
civil law, what do these all have in common? The Ivory Coast
baby! A relaxing adventure of sun, sea, and gunfire.
"Ethnic strife? Civil war? We have a cease-fire now! Welcome
to the Democratic Republic of the Congo. Now stop calling us
Zaire, dammit!"
4. Burundi. This small central African nation
has much to boast about. If you enjoy tribal warfare,
ethnic violence, and political assassinations then this is the
place for you. But be careful! If you are injured during one of
the political election celebrations/protests/assassinations
chances are you won't make it to the hospital, and even if you
did there wouldn't be any room for you as the hospitals are all
filled with AIDS patients while the goverment
denies there's an AIDS problem at all!
"Burundi. If you can't take the heat,
flee to Rwanda."
3. Guinea-Bissau. This western African nation
is now enjoying a surprising outbreak of...peace? You can fully
enjoy the North Atlantic coastline in relative peace and
quiet. You can bask in the warmth of it's tropical
charm. And remember to experience the now impoverished
country to it's fullest extent, you can even share a bowl of rice
or a disease with a native!
"Give us a couple of years, we've got democracy and
unexploited deposits of petroleum!"
2. Tajikistan. This newly formed central Asian
republic has a lot going for it these days. The Pamirs
provide many chilling and thrilling high-altitude activities all
year 'round. Unfortunately the Pamirs is all Tajikistan has to
offer. It's landlocked so there's no sandy beaches to
enjoy. There's no romantic coastline. And considering
that it's surrounding countries are China, Uzbekistan,
Kyrgyzstan, and Afghanistan, well, i'd stay away from the borders
if i were you. Since the economy is shot to hell you might
want to bring lots of things to trade as cash is pretty much
worthless here! Poverty and desperation are just some of the
charms you'll experience. The kidnappings and random shootings
are bonus!
"Come enjoy the incredible sights and heights of the Pamirs.
And then go home."
1. Afghanistan. A must see for the die-hard
traveller. And believe me, you will die! Not only will you get to
see Islamic fundamentalists at their worst, but you'll see (first
hand) the Taliban at it's best! What's the difference you ask? i
can't tell! You'll witness extreme spectacles of their
"new" medieval judicial system at work! But be careful!
Don't steal so much as an apple from a cart or they'll chop your
hand off! And by no means look at a man's wife. They'll kill you
AND the wife as well because they HATE you AND women! And
don't forget to catch a show while you're there! There's the mass
hangings, which always draw a crowd, or you can hear Tomkabul
Jonesov sing one of his popular songs such as, "She's a
lady...whoa, whoa, whoa, she's a lady...kill her kill her DIE!
DIE! DIE!" Remember, the Taliban wants to sell you drugs to
support its wars, so be sure to contribute to the flailing
economy. And be sure not to mention that the Islamic leadership
is merely a front to to win over Pakistani interests. Just
be glad that Pakistan doesn't want any friends! But really,
there's nothing to stop you from having a good time in
Afghanistan, except for the vicious war, earthquakes, public
stonings, and, if you're a woman, the Taliban.
Think about it guys, if there's a
possibility that at any point during your vacation you might
utter the words, "Once we make it to the Iranian border
we'll be ok." just DON'T go there.
"Afghanistan, loving but firm. Mostly
firm." or "Embassy? What embassy?!
BAHhahahahahahahahaha!" or "HEY! I saw her ankle! kill
her kill her DIE! DIE DIE!"
what have we learned today kids? stay away from
africa and asia and any country that starts with the letter A or
ends with -stan. but mostly the africa thing.
also stay away from countries with really
long official titles like, The New Former Republic of the
Democratic Republic of the People's Well Thought Out Republic of
the Warring Countries of the Almost Free Land of
Albanafghanangolastan.
just a thought.
next week's rant: maybe i'll make fun of the U.S. seeing as how it'll be the week of the 4th of the July.
jaimie "i went to tajikistan and all i got was this lousy t-shirt, thank god." pickle
liz, if you don't send me ONE, just ONE, prefix by saturday, i'm going to publicly humiliate you. think about it. next week, 4th of july, PATRIOTIC. get it?! GET it?! it's sad that i have to resort to blackmail to get one lousy prefix from you.
to all of you who have sent me prefixes, you are all complete stars. the rest of you better get busy.
if you would like off this list all you have to do i ask.