The One About Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
July 15, 2005

hi kids,

first i should say that i loved, LOVED the first Willy Wonka movie starring Gene Wilder. and i know it's not perfect, i mean, the whole Sluggworth arc was kinda, "whaaa?" and Grandpa Joe was annoying as all get out, but still it's one of my favorite movies i guess it helps i'm a sucker for a musical. so when i went to see the new one i thought, "now jaimie, we aren't going to compare the two movies, m'kay? that's not fair to either movie. so just sit back and enjoy this movie while trying not to WHAT THE? I FORGOT HELENA BLOODY BONHAM BLOODY CARTER WAS IN THIS. SON OF A-"
so the movie starts and i'm lovin' it. the kid who plays Charlie is the most adorable little boy. he and his family interact and they are all so sweet, even ol' Whatsername Bonham Whatever.

but then. then there's the part with Willy Wonka and his fudge packing chocolate factory. i mean, how do you screw that up? i'll tell you how to screw it up:

Johnny Depp as: Jim Carrey as: Andy Kaufman as: Michael Jackson as: Mr. Rogers in: Tim Burton's Complete Royal Fuck-up of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. two hours of that bullshit and i can actually applaud Helena Bonham Carter's performance. i mean, what the hell? his voice was the most annoying thing in a movie since Jar-Jar Binks. hell yeah, i said it.
and all you "Johnny Depp can do no wrong" people can bring it.

he ruined a perfectly good movie and Tim Burton let him. i mean, you gotta blame the director. he's the HMFIC. but it's obvious he didn't want to make an awesome movie even more awesome because remember in the first one when they get to the room where everything is edible? remember how AWESOME that room was? because i mean, GIANT GUMMY BEARS, and licorice, and and...HE DRINKS TEA OUT OF A BUTTERCUP AND THEN HE EATS THE BUTTERCUP! I WANT TO LIVE THERE! but in this one? it's not that magical. it's not that cool of a place. i mean, here...in 2005, with all the special effects and computers and internet and talking picture shows....and you can't make a freakin' CANDYLAND LOOK AMAZING? I MEAN COME ON, YOU'VE BEEN HANDED THE DAMN TEMPLATE ALREADY, AND THE BEST YOU GOT IS, "EVERYBODY EAT A BLADE OF GRASS."?? WHAT? GIMMIE THAT MEGAPHONE, NOW! ATTENTION: WE NEED MORE PEPPERMINT STRIPES. I WANT TO SEE KIDS DISCOVERING CONFECTIONS IN RANDOM PLACES. GIMMIE A KID EATING A BUG MADE OF SUGAR! I NEED GIANT GUMMY BEARS! I WANT IT RAINING GUM DROPS! COTTON CANDY CLOUDS! THERE BETTER BE A LITTLE GIRL WITH A LICORICE JUMP ROPE ON THAT SIDEWALK MADE OF ROCK CANDY! DONUTS AND MARSHMALLOWS STAT! THIS PLACE BETTER BE SO BEDECKED AND BEJEWELED WITH CANDY AND POWDERED SUGAR THAT NO ONE EVEN NOTICES THE GRASS, GOT IT?!

but no. Tim Burton saved up all the CGI budget for the oompa loompa. wait jaimie, don't you mean oompa loompas? plural?
you. wish.
let me tell you, if i were a midget in SAG? i'd be furious.
they took one ugly old midget, scanned him, and hit ctrl+v a couple ten times. geez, talk about attack of the clones.

AND? the oompa loompa's songs? no good. at all. i mean, i don't mind a modern spin on the old songs, right? i expected them to be more funky and rap-like, but these? i couldn't even understand what they were singing half the time. how am i supposed to learn if i can't hear? i got one for ya:

oompa loompa doompity do
who is editing this pile of poo?
oompa loompa doompity dee
they got paid too much if you ask me.
I BLAME TIM AND JO-O-OHNNY.

doompity doo.

doompity DON'T!

for all of it's suckiness there were some really cute parts and funny parts and the monkeys with the monolith in the TV room? hilarious. the squirrels? hilarious. even some of johnny depp's lines were hilarious. just, y'know, if they had been delivered in a man's voice. i'm not saying his character was gay exactly...it was just...weird.
bad weird though, like, did you see Martin Bashir's interview with Michael Jackson? remember the uncomfortable feeling you got in your stomach because of the weirdness?
yeah.
i guess i was disappointed by Depp's unsexiness. usually he's kinda sexy.

Wonka Bars? yes. they made those things look and sound good.
flashbacks? yes.
Christopher Lee as Dr. Wonka? yes.
those glasses? no.
Wonka as a virginal, giggling, fruitcake with bad hair? no.
glass wonkavator? yes.
violet beauregarde and her mom? hey! it's the alien girlfriend from Galaxy Quest! yes.
his purple gloves? yes.
puppet burn unit? yes.
the Bucket family? yes.
even Helena Bonham Carter? yes, even her.
no mention of anything being scrumdidilyumptious? no.

Tim Burton needs to keep doing what he does best: weird stop-animation thingies. and Johnny Depp needs to keep doing the pirate thing, rrreeow.

on a score of one (1) to four (4), four being the suckiest and one being least suckiest, i give it two (2) jose cansecos.

which i guess means i actually liked the movie, but see, The Fantastic Four (such a bad movie!) got six (6) jose cansecos. so obviously my scoring is flawed.

next epitomb: bum fights!

jaimie "wonkavision" pickle