The One About Conquitadors
Tuesday, August 7, 2001
ok so,
once upon a time, in a far away land, a land, far, far away, there were people. the land was rich, the people were rich, and the people's children were spoiled. well, not all of the children were spoiled. only the ones who did not become priests or join the army were spoiled. also, the girl children were not spoiled so much as just married off. right, so. what does a lesser nobleman's son do when there is nothing for him to do? well, if you're from 16th century Spain you become a conquistador! i'd tell you what conquistador means, but i'll not insult you guys like that.
so yo, check it. i'm not dissin' Spain and i'm
not dissin' conquistadors. ya dig? so don't be gettin' in
my face wit all dat, "what it is?", dig? don't believe a word of what i write here. it's
all fiction. it's all mostly fiction anyway. i mean,
parts of it are true. ok, it's all true. except for the
parts i made up, which should be really obvious.
with that said, here is Conquistadors for Numbskulls, Dorks,
and Chickens. or as i like to call it, The One About
the Conquistadors.
it is a humble list of ten (9) conquistadors, their deeds, and some stats.
10. Vasco Nunez de Balboa (there's
a squiggle mark over the second 'n' in nunez. so there.) b.1475
Spain d.1517 Darien
Like most conquistadors, Balboa was the son of a
nobleman. He was not a farmer so he instead joined an
expedition. i could tell you all about it but it's boring,
so let's just say he ended up in Colombia. He then ran into some
dude named Pizarro and they headed to Panama. They founded
the town of Santa Maria de la Antigua which means, "Balboa y
Pizarro were here" and together they plundered the locals
and all that jazz. And like most conquistadors, he had heard
rumors of a very rich city somewhere close by and wanted to find
it and claim it for Spain and of course, himself. He
managed to find the South Sea which he named Mar del Sur, which
means South Sea. He also did a lot of exploring and became
popular. This led to jealousy amongst some of his
"friends". When he returned to Darien they
beheaded him. Such is the life of a conquistador.
Likes: Gold
Dislikes: Indians
Most Famous For: Discovering the Pacific Ocean
9. Ferdinand Magellan
b.ca.1480 d. 1521
Here we have another son of a rich family. He was very
smart and learned all about astronomy and nautical
sciences. His guidance counselor told him he'd make a good
fisherman or conquistador. He went with
conquistador. Mage went over to South America and did some
exploring. He made it through the dangerous straits down
there at the bottom of the map on this side of the world and he
named them Canal de Todos los Santos which
means, "Straits of Magellan". This is where the
Atlantic and Pacific Oceans join. He then did some more
sailing and stuff. He searched for the Spice
Islands. He never made it to the Spice World, instead
he died from a poison arrow.
Likes: Exploring
Dislikes: poison arrows, limits, Indians
Most Famous For: Circumnavigating the world
8. Francisco Pizarro b.ca.
1471 d.1541 Lima
Pizarro was an illegitimate child and grew up with no
education. So of course, the only thing he could do besides
be a thief is of course, be a popular thief in the name
of his country. So he sailed off to New Spain and became a
conquistador. He eventually met up with some shmo named
Balboa and they explored places and oceans. He then got his
own expedition and he went to places like Panama and Peru. He
killed a bunch of Incas and made himself a governor or viceroy or
something and had a nice palace in Lima. He lived there
until he was assassinated by a group of jealous people.
Likes: Himself, Charles V HRE.
Dislikes: Incas
Hobbies: Peru
7. Juan Ponce de Leon b. 1460
d. 1521
Ponce was the son of a very old and rich
family. He was a well educated man and also was a
conquistador. His first experience with conquistadoring was
with Chris Columbus's second expedition and they ended up in
Hispaniola, which is like, present day Haiti or something.
He then heard about very rich cities that had yet to be explored
and so he got his own expedition and searched for these rich
places. Along his way he killed many Indians. He did
not find any sort of rich cities but that didn't matter because
by now he had heard of a rumor about a "fountain of
youth". So he looked for that to claim for Spain and to make
himself famous. He discovered a place he named
"Florida", and was attacked by Indians. The Indians ran
him off to Cuba and that's where he died.
Likes: adventure
Dislikes: Indians
Hobbies: Fighting Indians, looking for things
Most Famous For: Not finding the Fountain of Youth
6. There is no six.
5. Cesar de Vaca b.1489 d.
1527
Cesar was the son of a nobleman and so became a
conquistador. He, like most conquistadors at that time, was
interested in finding rich cities to plunder and Indians to
kill. He did manage to obtain large amounts of gold but at
the expense of losing most of his men. He was never able to
bring the gold back to Spain because his galleon, El
Caballero, was shipwrecked off the coast of Porto Rico,
which is present day Puerto Rico, and his gold was lost to the
ocean. He was later killed by Indians.
Likes: Gold
Dislikes: Losing gold
Most Famous For: Nothing. i made him up. neener!
4. Francisco Vasquez de Coronado
b.ca.1510 d.1554
Coronado went to the Americas and made peace with
the Indians, settled a colony, and married a rich lady. Then he
heard the rumors of the Seven Cities of Cibola. Supposedly Cibola
was a very rich place. So of course, Coronado wanted a piece of
the action and took off towards present day New Mexico in search
of these seven golden cities. He found poor Indian
Villages. He forced Catholicism on the Indians and when they
tried to resist, he conquered the Zuni and Hopi Pueblo
villages of Hawikuh. Still no gold. He moved on
through Texas, and found no gold. He then made it to Kansas
and well, you know. Kansas. When he
got back to Mexico he was in trouble for not finding any gold and
was later tried and convicted of corruption and for killing
Indians. So he retired and died some years later.
Likes: Gold, God, Glory... in that order
Dislikes: not finding gold
Searched for: Seven Golden Cities of Cibola
Found: Wichita, Kansas
3. Pedro de Alvarado b. i
dunno d. who cares?
Pedro explored much of Mexico and Central America and was
Cortez'z right-hand man. In fact, when Cortez had to move
on after raiding the Aztec capital Tenochtitlan, he left Pedro in
charge. How's that for 'sponsitility? Later, on his own, he
conquered Guatemala (read: killed a ton of Indians). And then he
followed Pizarro around. Pizarro didn't like him and sent him
back to Guatemala. Pedro then went exploring around
Northern Mexico but by that time Cortez didn't like him either
and sent him back to Guatemala. He died while fighting an Indian
raid. Later that year, Guatemala was destroyed by "de
Agua" which was a volcano.
Likes: Killing Indians
Dislikes: Not killing Indians
Did Jaimie make this one up: Surprisingly, no.
Not even the part about the volcano: nope. that's true too.
2. Hernando De Soto b.1496
d.1542
First he explored New Spain (Panama y Peru) and then he
settled down in Seville, Spain. But the quite, rich and
glorified life wasn't enough for this conquistador so he sold all
his possessions to equip his own expedition to a magic kingdom
known as..er the "island" of "Florida".
"Florida" at this time was everything east of the
Mississippi River. He spent three (3) years exploring this
region which included South Carolina, Georgia, Alabama,
Mississippi, Arkansas, and of course, Florida. He
discovered Lake Michigan as well as Branson, Missouri.
During this time he killed lots of Indians. When he reached
the Mississippi River he got sick with a fever and then
died. His army then stuck his body in a tree trunk and sunk
it to the bottom of the river so the Indians could not find his
body and therefore not know that he was dead.
Likes: adventure, exploring, squandering a fortune
in order to do more exploring
Dislikes: being comfortable, wealthy, waited on while he could be
out there doing lots of exploring
Major Turn Off: not exploring
Major Turn Ons: killing Indians while exploring, spreading
Catholicism
Famous For: Exploring, spreading European diseases
to the fragile immune system of the Indians
1. Hernan Cortez b.1485
d.1547 (can also be spelled Cortes, but i like the 'z')
Cortez was the conquistador's conquistador. He quit school to
become an adventurer and got himself a ride to Hispaniola.
He then helped Diego Velazquez conquer Cuba. Then he sailed
to Yucatan, Mexico where he conquered in the name of Spain, God,
and Himself. He then hooked up with a Mexican lady and
learned much of the Mexican culture. Then he founded
Veracruz City. Then he decided to take on the Aztecs,who were led
by Montezuma, but first he made friends with all of the
Aztec's enemies. Then he marched into the Aztec capital of
Tenochtitlan, and was honored because the Aztecs (Montezuma
included) kinda thought he was Quetzalcoatl, a god.
The Aztecs basically gave him the city. He then killed them
all and took all their gold. Then, when they had no more
gold to give he made them mine for even more gold. Emperor
Charles V put Cortez in charge of New Spain. He died years later
in Seville, Spain.
Likes: Gold, God, Slavery
Dislikes: Aztecs, things that are not gold
Favorite color: Gold
Things he likes more than gold: Gold, himself (in that order)
When asked which he preferred gold or silver he chose: Gold
Favorite element on the periodic table: Au
Favorite Bond film: Goldfinger
Favorite Olympic medal: Gold
Will Jaimie stop here: no
Favorite Dog: Golden Retriever
Favorite rule: Golden
Favorite former British territory in Africa: Gold Coast
Jaimie you should have stopped by now: i know
some things to think about:
King Charles I of Spain was also Holy Roman Emperor Charles
V.
During this time Henry VIII ruled England and ticked off the
pope.
Italy was having a smashing Renaissance.
Martin Luther was instigating a Reformation.
Columbus was not Spanish therefore i did not include him as a
conquistador. Also, Ferdinand Magellan was Portuguese
(read: not from Spain) and i counted him as a conquistador, that
makes me wishy-washy.
well kids, there you have it.
one quick note, my father tells me he used to
be a conquistador, like, before i was born. and mom says
she "conquistadors" all the time. she
"conquistadored" two kids, "conquistadored" a
preschool, she "conquistadored" a pot of coffee this
morning, you know... that kind of thing. so anyway,
"conquistador" is the new verb of choice at the Pickle
House this week.
dad and i tried to explain to her that the word conquistador is a
noun and not a verb but she didn't care. she really likes
that word.
next week's epitomb: i can't think of anything
at the moment. any suggestions?
try not to conquistador too hard this week,
jaimie "today Tenochtitlan, tomorrow the world" pickle
if you would like to be removed from this list all you have to do is ask. nicely. but that's so not conquistador-like.