The One About Electra
Tuesday, Augut 21, 2001
hokey smokes! it's Tuesday!
so i was at work the other day, working really
hard by the way, and the phone rang and broke my
concentration. well, not really. the phone did ring,
but i didn't really get side tracked or anything. in fact, i
didn't even realize that the phone was ringing or that my
"mad work skillz" had taken over and that i was, out of
complete robotic habit, answering the telephone.
that is until, i heard myself say,
"Kelly Signs"
which kind of confused me at first, so i tore
my eyes and brain away from the computer screen and found myself
clutching a can of Pepsi to my ear.
wow! that's cold! ha ha!
but what was that annoying sound?
the phone!
so i scrambled for the unforgiving noisemaker, spilling my drink in the process and watching as the computer keyboard sparked, smoked, and shorted out all in a matter of two seconds. one, two, kablooie.
i finally answer the phone. "Kelly Signs" i say, while distractedly mopping soda up and away from any drawings or notes that have the potential to be important. because that doodle that i had drawn on the back of that business card was killer! it would have made a cool tattoo or something!
"um, tattoo? hello?" huh? not the voices again....
oh yeah! i'm on the telephone!
"Kelly Signs, this is jaimie, can i help
you?"
"good morning..." she starts. her voice was wicked
perky so i figure she's a salesperson or something, and i go back
to cleaning off the monitor and printer vaguely wondering how i
managed to spill pop that far and... high? geez, the calendar is
soaking wet, and it's a *wall* calendar. wha?
"bladdy bladdy sign bladdy for our
business blah..."
what is that chattering? derp! customer.
"i'm sorry, what company is this?" i ask (to buy some time while i start tearing through a roll of paper towels). i continue to sop up the cola flow that is now making a break for the fax machine...which is of course, ringing.
"this is Electra from bladdy
bladdy..."
GHEEEEEEEDEEEERP! the fax machine starts spitting out
paper....right into a puddle of Pepsi! i switch the phone
to my other ear and slam some paper towels down just in time to
save the fax from it's near watery death, when i realize that the
chick on the phone just said her name was Electra. wow.
"are you serious?" i ask.
i'm stunned. i mean, she's gotta be a
celebrity right? nobody names their kid Electra, do they?
it's a pretty name and all but really, i mean, you know? there's
only two things you can be if your name is Electra...
1. professional wrestler (wrastler, for you southerners)
2. exotic dancer
**HIGHSCHOOL GUIDANCE COUNSELOR'S OFFICE**
HSGC: "Electra, your occupational
aptitude test results are in. let's go over them ok?"
Electra: "sure, ok."
HSGC: "let's see, you wrote that you'd like to be a lawyer
or a mathematician, is that correct?"
Electra: "yes ma'am. i find that the
criminal justice system is..."
HSGC: "and it says here that you are
rather good with numbers...well, i'm sorry, there aren't any jobs
for you. but here's something that seems right up your
alley! American Gladiators needs another female
gladiator... can you joust?"
so while that scenario is playing in my head i
reach for a pen to write down her name and whatever else and of
course my arm barely hits a notebook that was on my desk.
the notebook moves a 'smidge' to the right and softly taps a
stack of diskettes which of course slow motion domino themselves
toward the now half full can of Pepsi.
(hey laura! i said "half
full"!! that makes me an optimist, doesn't it? sweet!)
"um, well yes, i am serious about renting
a sign."
KERPLASH.
there goes the rest of my cold beverage. a
tidal wave of cola that drowns every object within 10 miles
(convert to kilometers if you live in some other place) of
my desk. and to add insult to injury, the empty can does this
amazing super-fast-forward pinball maneuver in which it bounces
across the desk hitting everything and anything in it's path
until finally hitting the ground with that hollow clanking sound
that only an empty aluminum can makes.
TILT.
"i'm sorry," i say, "we don't rent signs anymore."
drip. drip. drip.
i look around and see that everything is
destroyed. the phone is soaked, it looks as though i've wazzed in
my pants, and the copier is spitting out page after page of what
appears to be a puddle of Pepsi giving me the finger. i
(very calmly) hang up the phone and wring out my
shirt. i walk to the shelf to get another roll of paper
towels and hear the 'squish-squish' of my Pepsi-sodden shoes.
on the way back to my desk i wonder how on earth it got all over the walls and... ohmygosh ceiling?
then the phone rings. oh dear god no...
i rush to the phone just in time to hear my
boss (who has been in her office during the Pepsi/Electra fiasco)
say in a sing-song voice, "I'LL GET IT!"
so i stop.
only i didn't stop.
for on the ground was the very empty, very
round, very dangerous-should-be-painted-bright-fluorescent
green-just-in-case-a-moron-spills-her-drink-and-then-forgets-about-the-can-only-to-trip-on-it-later
Pepsi can. so i pull a stooge vs. banana peel act where i fly
arse over tea kettle and land flat-backed with the wind knocked
outta me. and i've got either cold blood leaking out of my
head or there's Pepsi on the floor seeping into my hair. at this
point i can't figure it out. i just lay there.
my boss comes out of her office, "hey
jaimie, who was on line one?"
"Elhectrah." i gasp.
"oh. that's an odd name. what did she
want?"
"Elhectrahhh try....kill...me..."
"oh, ok. hey, why is the floor in my
office wet?"
true story?
thanks to everyone who has written to me suggesting topics. i really appreciate them! you guys rule!
here are some updates:
the website has been updated a bit.
there's a new girlie section for girls. it's pink. Tami
Sparks made the graphic for it and it's awesome. she told
me it's a picture of a REAL drag queen that SHE knows PERSONALLY.
(what i'm hinting at here is that Tami Sparks is a drag queen. ha
ha! no she isn't.) yes she is.
also on the girlie page is a NEW essay written by laura "a
girl, just like tami" bentley and it's all about shoes and
it's suitably wonderful!
laura has also made graphics for the last five weeklies so you
should go and check them out too. they are hysterical. and
even funny!
also, i still have no idea what the vice
president looks like.
next weeks epitomb: jaimie accidentally breaks her desk. hilarity ensues.
jaimie "that's what i call a "sticky situation"!" pickle