The One About Scabies
October 14, 2003

hi kids,

LAUGH IT UP, FA
so anyway FA's Mom has a cute, wittle, pwecious boxer puppy named Lucy, and FA hates it. i don't know how anyone could hate that pwetty, pwecious, wittle bit of wuvwiness.

anyway my parents are crazy and they want to get a "friend" for their dog, the infamous Blue Dog. they think that Blue Dog is "lonely" and "needs a friend to cuddle up with on cold nights" and that she's "sad". 'cos see, when they got Blue Dog their other dog, Jake the Wonder Dalmatian, was still alive (very old, but alive) and now he's dead ergo Blue Dog needs a pal. what they (my crazy parents) fail to remember was that Jake was obviously taliban and would not let Blue Dog into the dog house on any night, beit cold, warm, pouring rain, and also he would never let her eat in peace. she was forced to scarf what little bit she could before he would chase her off the food and eat it all himself.

so when Jake died, Godresthissoul, Blue got the house to herself and eats at her leisure. she's got it good. she's fat now. she's like a woman in a Rueben's painting. zaftig even.

but no, they want another dog. so they went to the Humane Society. i tagged along. dad and i went to pick up mom (she was working) to go to the HS and mom gets in the car and says, "ah. i see you brought the Voice of Reason." meaning me, 'cos she knows i'm not letting them get another dog 'cos there's no reason to get another dog.

so we go and check out this dog that dad had seen on a previous trip to the HS (don't ask, it's an even longer story) and he says, "see? look at it."
"dad. that dog is sick."
"no! she was waggin' her tail yesterday."
"dad, this section is for the sick, unadoptable dogs. the part with the healthy, adoptable pets is in another section."

well anyway, longer story shorter, a week later dad comes home and the HS says he can have the dog for free and to pick it up at the vet's office. shit.

so dad and i pick up the dog and SURPRISE it has mange. so dad asks the vet, "mange. so is that contagious to other dogs?"
"oh yes. highly. it's contagious to humans too. it's scabies."

scabies?! oh my god. no. take it back and kill it. i am not letting some scabies-ridden dog ride in my jeep of all the damnedstupid things no way i'm not getting near that mangy beast dammit to hell this is bad that dog can't go in the backyard with Blue so where the hell will they put it? shit, ever since that lady said, 'scabies' i've been itchin' like mad. i have been terrified of scabies since the 4th grade when for some reason they gave everyone a brochure about scabies and lice. fun fact: scabies are mites that burrow under the skin and lay eggs and it itches like a mother. oh this is not happening. i've got a 25 cent solution to this problem.

"dad. she said scabies."
"yeah. this is bad isn't it?"
"i'm not seeing any good here."
"but look, she's so cute."
"dad, that is the sickest dog i've ever seen."
"we have to wash our hands if we touch her."
"then we need to get that Lava™ shit."
"aw, look they put a punkin bandana around her neck."
"like putting a silk hat on a pig."
"Best thinks we should call her New Dog."
"no way, that sounds too much like Blue Dog and they'll get confused."
"yeah that's what i said. Flippy suggested Red Dog."
"hmmmm. i dunno."
"you got any ideas?"
"yeah, how about Scabies?"
"heh. heeeere Scabies! here girl! that-a good Scabies."
"hahahaha oh that's great!"
"Scaaaaaabies! come ho-ome!"
"ohahahaha! mom's not gonna like that name."
"not at all."
"it fits though."
"what's gonna happen when we all get scabies?"
"shit. i don't know. i guess, i guess it'll make an interesting Weekly."
"i hope we don't get scabies."
"oh you have nothing to worry about. you and mom won't get scabies. i will. i'm the one without insurance. damn."
fun fact: scabies are mites that burrow under the skin and lay eggs and it itches like a mother.

so we get home and tell mom that the dog has scabies. she immediately turns to both of us and says, "her name will NOT be Scabies!" how did she know? one of those Mom Things, i guess. so i suggested Eczema, 'cos it sounds more feminine.
"no!" mom said.
"Psoriasis?"
"no!"
"Louse?"
"no! no! no!"
fun fact: scabies are mites that burrow under the skin and lay eggs and it itches so bad that finally in stage 3 the worms dig into the soft brain tissue and you go insane and die.
okay, i made that last bit up.

anyway, dad and i keep calling her Scabies...from afar, i won't go near it. they put her in the bathroom. hey! i got a toothbrush in there!

anyway dad and i keep talking about Scabies and mom gets pissed. so dad says, "well, what if we call her Scabielynn?"

oh man, i died. that was too good.

mom hates us. but i noticed that mom said something like, "oh look, Scabies drank all her water."
"heh. you called her Scabies."
"her name will NOT be Scabies."

fun fact: scabies are mites that burrow under the skin and lay eggs and it itches and you have to bathe in poison to kill them.

so see FA, you should go and pet Lucy right now and be glad you don't have Scabies.

anyway here's a picture of Scabies:

okay, yeah. bad picture. hang on.

hmmm, also bad picture. sorry.

okay now i know what you guys are thinking:

"gosh jaimie! you must be an even colder heartless bitch than FA. i mean, look at it! it's so cute! and wook at the wittle punkin bandana...oooos a sweetie? ooooos a wittle punkin? jaimie, you suck. puppy hater."

ok first of all, i'm not heartless! hush, jimmy. i'm not even uncaring. i cry at grand openings and the national anthem. which song is that again? honestly! tears! i see a preview for that new movie, Radio and i squirt a few, hell, a lot. man that's gonna be a tear-jerker, huh? i mean there's Radio out there in the rain tossing a football and i'm on the floor bawling, ripping my clothes, rolling in ashes and putting on sackcloth. it makes me weep.

i feel the Radio pathos.

there is no scabies pathos.
and so, next week when the Weekly is about how i've gotten scabies from Scabies...i expect no sympathy from you. although if you guys want to take up a collection to help me pay for the bottles of scabies poison i'll have to buy for my medicinal baths to kill the mites/worms/larvae/eggs, that would be greatly appreciated.

no links this week. sorry.

next week's epitomb: Scabies the Whole Family Can Enjoy

jaimie "i itch all over" pickle