The One About Freewill
November 18, 2003

hi kids,

i guess we've all heard about the "honorable" judge moore?

for the record, that man makes me sick. and it has nothing to do with the ten commandments. because to me, the 10 C's are like, important and all, right? but for real, i think they're only mentioned in the bible like, 4 or 5 times. and the fact that this asshole has made them a crusade of sorts just cheapens them.

i mean, the guy sneaks in at midnight and plants a giant 2 ton monument? do we really need sherlock holmes for this one, kids? it's obvious he's just trying to make a name for himself. and trust me, most people here in alabama see that. we're not all wacky, religous zealots. so i'm glad he was removed as chief justice of our supreme court (which is, of course, a court covered in sour cream a la taco bell) and really he needs to be disbarred too. so i'm rooting for the disbarring.

the ten commandments are great. they're great because they gave us law. we need law. law is that thing that keeps us from killing and stealing from each other, and i can totally appreciate that. and really, if someone wants to have a copy of the ten commandments in a courthouse then yeah, that makes sense and you can put a normal-sized copy of them next to the "copies" of the u.s. constitution (and other historical documents) that most places (including my high school) have on the walls. it's not that big of a deal. life will go on.

so i mean, for some assjack to sneak in a GIANT HONKING monument of the ten commandments, i mean, that's just weird. it really is. it's kinda sick even. and i was going to compare it to those giant statues of saddam hussien, but even i know when to stop just short of "HEY WHAT ARE YOU DOING? DON'T YOU KNOW THAT'S TOO FAR?" unlike some schmo who sneaks in a giant monument and expects everyone to be all cool about it. moron.

you know what else is cool about the 10 commandments? god gave them to us. 'cos he was all, "jeez, i gotta think of everything for these people? oy." so he gave us law. otherwise we would have all killed each other by now, of that i am certain. but you know what else god gave us? freewill. that's right. we get to choose whether or not we want to even believe in god or not. it's not like god is forcing us to look at a giant slab of commandments, and the ones he did send down were like, a managable size, right? i mean, moses made it down the mountain carrying the things.

and for some reason when i was thinking about all this i was imagining god talking like an angry, cuban girlfriend, "leesen mang, ju dink i can't come down there and keel ju all? like ju doubt me, mang? 'cos you leesen to me, ogay, i don't haf to sit up here all day, mang, and leesen to ju people, ogay? ju dink i won't smite you, mang? huh? oh now ju ignore me? ogay, be that way, mang. justice is mine, mang."

i think i just broke the 11th commandment. that's right kids, i go to 11, for you.

i would make a great sunday school teacher, wouldn't i?

AND IN LIGHTER TOPICS

we watched gladiator the other day. i want to tell you it's a good movie, but see, i watched it with dad, so it may have sucked for all i know. we laughed and laughed and laughed.

dad: that job sucks.
me: you mean being a gladiator?
dad: yeah. they need a dental plan too.
me: yeah that early roman bridge work was something else. zing!
dad: they need a union.
jimmy: they need to stop showing that dude flirting with his sister.
me: yeah, that is creepy.
jimmy: what is this? the gladiators of hazzard?
me: hahaha! has anyone else noticed it took an hour before there was anything gladiatory in the movie? an hour! talk about exposition! sheez.
jimmy: what's with these weird scenes interspersed with the rest of the movie?
me: hmmm, that's ridley scott channeling stanley kubrik.
dad: what's with that whiney guy?
me: yeah and does he have to whisper all of his lines? joaquin phoenix AS ray liotta portrayed BY joaquin phoenix AS the bitch emperor IN the gladiators of hazzard.

beats all you ever saw...

the wisconsin wendy sent the link to the meatrix. i tought it was cute, for a cartoon with a message anyway.

also, she was the only person on this earth who sent me a link this week. so she gets a prize. wendy, go buy you something real nice, girl, you deserve it!

next week's epitomb: Encyclopedia Brown uncovers the mystery of why the weeklies haven't been up to par lately.
hint: lack of corporate sponsor
(i'm still waiting, Nabisco!)

jaimie "going to 11, for you" pickle