The One About Elves
December 16, 2003

hi kids,

it's all true doncha know.

i really hate elves. a lot. hate 'em.
my friends know this and we've had, sad to say, lengthy conversations about my elf hate. they say i'm a racist. but elves are a species. i mean, when people say, "i hate snakes!" no one jumps all over them about their snake hate. right?
oh, i hates me some elves.

why jaimie, you ask, why the elf hate?

because they are dirty and mischievious. they move things.
"i could've sworn i put that over there."
you did.
the elves moved it.
hate them.

ugh, and they're all grubby and dirty. DIRTY ELVES!
my friends, poor misguided friends, they tell me that i'm thinking of gnomes and dwarves when i claim that elves are dirty. well, to them i say, no the hell i'm not! i know what a bleeding elf looks like. they're thin with pokey ears and noses. they have the dopey hats and shoes. bloody bollicky rosy cheeks. feh. ptooi, i speet on elves, with their snarky smiles. like they know more than we do.
hate them.
hate those dirty elves.
go on.
give into the hate.

then there was this time i was pretty sick and possibly running a fever. i was sleeping in my bed at bad ol' apt. 711 when i awoke quite suddenly and spoke aloud in an angry voice, "i swear, if one of those elves pulls my hair again...i'm gonna zzzzzzzzzzzzzz."

now, all this elf talk was not brought about because of christmas. nay nay my friends, nay nay. you're reading about elves today because of a "lovely" gift that was left for me.

to whoever left the scary elf on the steering wheel of my jeep:

why do you hate me?
why did you leave that sinister-looking elf on my steering wheel? did you think it would be funny? did you think that i would see it in the light of day? did you think i would be that lucky? don't you know me better than that by now? did the thought even cross your mind that perhaps the way i would find that hideous monster would be around 11:30pm when all around is dark? with just the sounds of the creek in the background? the scary sound of the Night Creek? and maybe you don't know me that well, maybe we aren't "best friends", maybe you don't know that i'm really short and that the steering wheel of the jeep is right at my face when i'm standing at the jeep. maybe?

so maybe when i opened the door last night to see if my lost cell phone was in the jeep so that i could call my strong, tough boyfriend, maybe i came face to face with satan himself? in elf form? hmm? maybe i screamed? maybe i screamed like a girl? or maybe it wasn't so much a scream as the shrieking of a profane word? perhaps i even went so far as to take our lord's name in vain? is it grammatically incorrect to have a paragraph full of questions?

ha.ha.ha.

was that how the joke was to "go down"?
was jaimie supposed to piss herself in glee or in terror? or was it both? you're just that sick aren't you? and don't even think for a second i don't know who you are. don't even think i'm not on to your vicious Hell Game of Terror.
oh yes, you torturous beeatch, i know who did it. i'd recognize that kitsch anywhere.

thanks for the scary-ass elf, laura.
triflin' ho.

it cracked me up. just sitting there...all sassy.
i should totally take a picture of it.

clearly not as menacing in the daylight

or is it?!

of course i couldn't leave such a gift of love in the jeep. i brought it inside and placed it at the heart of christmas...the nativity, aw.

check out his saucy pose

i was going to lovingly rip the baby jesus out of mary's arms and have her hold the elf in some sort of demented pieta but i figured i'm in enough trouble as it is. also, the baby jesus was really stuck on there. why did they use so much glue?

the best part though was that dad comes in as i'm taking a picture of the nativity thingie and he's all, "what...are you doing?"
"i'm takin' a picture of the elf in the nativity."
"what elf?"
thing is, i'm not sure if he's asking it like, "what elf at the nativity? i don't remember elves in the bible." or if it's "what elf in that nativity? i don't see an elf."

"that elf. isn't it horrible?"
"i don't see an elf."
"it does blend in, doesn't it?"
"oh god! oh! it's one of those elves. those like, pixie elves. oh. *shudders*

which makes me feel good to know that i'm related to someone else who is creeped out by elves.

so then about ten minutes later i'm in here working on the pictures in corel and i hear the front door open and "eagle eye" mom comes in and the FIRST thing she says is, "who put a leprechaun in the manger scene?!"

damn good thing i didn't make that pieta.

scottie of the cube, sent a link to her site type thingie. she's just had her gall bladder removed. it's a blow by blow account!

my aunt jackie sent one of these christmas things where you decorate a tree and stuff. the music hypnotized me. it's almost silent night but i guess they didn't think that it was public domain and that they should "change it up a bit". the message was nice though.

next week's epitomb: Louie the Elf's new modeling career

jaimie "elf hater" pickle