Once again, i failed to read 50 books this year. in fact, i read less books this year than i did last year. i blame this on the knitting. i'm hoping 2007 will finally be the Year of the Fiddy. It should, seeing as how i've got a job at the library.

38. Horsemen of the Esophagus by Jason Fagone
Obviously I checked this one out because of the title.
This is a nonfiction book about competitive eating and the people who participate. I've honestly never given a thought about eating competitions (other than something like, "why is this on the news?"), and I've REALLY never thought of it as a sport. After reading this book I'm still "meh" on calling it a sport, but i now see the completely human side of the whole thing.

The author follows around a few of the more popular eaters to see how they live. Not surprisingly, they're all very normal people. What was surprising to me was how serious they take it. Some of them are so serious about competing that they ignore serious health problems...just to defend their title.

The book was more emotional than I thought it would be because the author does a supreme job of making the eaters very human and very relatable...even though I've never wanted to eat more than 3 hot dogs at a sitting. Most of the American eaters are regular blue collar workers who just want a little bit of fame. Which is what they get....a sound bite on local news casts. It's good that most of them have great senses of humor. Oddly, it's the foreign eaters that are treated like gods in their countries. Anyway it's a wacky bit of culture that I don't get, but the book was really good and easy to get into.

37. They Tore Out My Heart and Stomped That Sucker Flat by Lewis Grizzard
This is a very old Lewis Grizzard book (I think it's from '82 or '84) and I didn't really enjoy it. It was laying on a table at work and between deposits I would read it and wonder how on earth he was such a famous writer. Famous might be an exaggeration, but everyone I know has heard of him so, there you go. I don't remember reading any of his newspaper columns so maybe those were better, but this book sucked like a bucket of ticks. He's not very likable, I think that's why I didn't enjoy it. The book itself is about him having to have heart surgery and him being a pain in the ass about having to have heart surgery. The only good thing about this book is that it's short.

Perhaps his other books are good? Maybe I'll give another one a shot.

36. Foxfire 9 edited by Eliot Wiggington
The Foxfire books are, of course, nonfiction. These books are written by high school students in north Georgia. All of the articles are about how the Appalachian people lived in the "old" days. The oldsters they interview are amazing people.

The ninth book talks about general stores, doctors, remedies, ghost stories and several arts and crafts things. It was a very enjoyable read that just kind of sucks you into it's charm. Several of the "scary" true stories were about panthers and how they killed people and babies. The people call them panthers or painters, but i'm not sure what they're talking about 'cos i thought that panthers weren't, y'know, indigenous to the US, so I'm thinking that they're talking about pumas (aka mountain lion, cougar). anyway, after reading those tales i was shocked really, because I've never thought about what a huge deal it must've been to live right there where mountain lions were such a threat to people's lives. I also didn't know that the panther makes weird sounds (meows? growls?) that sound like a child or baby screaming.

There was also several stories about mad dogs and cats. I remember in school learning about rabid dogs and that you should never pet a strange dog or a dog that was acting weird and stumbling. And then they would say that if you were bitten by a rabid dog you'd have to have 80 shots in your stomach. Or something like that. But way back when, they didn't have shots. If you got bit by a mad dog, you'd go mad, and then you died. Of course, today, if you don't get treated in time, you go mad and then you die. Hey, check out this chart. So anyway, vaccinate your pets, yo.

I've said it before, but you know me, I say the same things over and over: everyone should read a Foxfire book. Just one. They are fascinating and charming and they really make you appreaciate things like medicine, central heat and air, cars, shoes, etc. This book gets 0 Jose Cansecos 'cos it was so damn enjoyable.

35. Ghosts of Albion: Accursed by Amber Benson and Christopher Golden
Back to fiction. This was a flash series and now they've made some books. This was a good novel but I didn't really enjoy it. The characters are pretty good, except William, I didn't like his character, too milktoast. It's a continuing story of a brother and sister who become the Protectors of Albion (England) when their grandfather dies. They're kinda thrown into the whole thing and have to learn magic and talk to ghosts and save the world.

I liked the whole part about how the ghosts of famous people helped the duo. But I don't really enjoy the Victorian Age very much, and I think that was the major turn off for me. The writing was good, the story was interesting, but I just don't like reading about manners and protocol. I would read another one if it took place in another time.

34. The Ice Man: Confessions of a Mafia Contract Killer by Philip Carlo
This is a really great read that sucks you in, and you can't put it down, and you feel really weird about not wanting to put it down, and you feel ashamed for being so interested in this serial killer.

What's interesting about the killer is that he killed more than 200 people and HIS WIFE AND TWO KIDS HAD NO IDEA HE WAS A MURDERER!
i know!

The killer's name is Richard Kuklinski, and he grew up in New Jersey. He had a shitty childhood and he grew up and killed tons of people. He didn't just do mafia hits, he also killed people who pissed him off. Sometimes he'd even kill homeless people. He claims to have been in on the Jimmy Hoffa murder.

It was a good book. The only thing that bothered me was twice the author used the phrase "no shit, Sherlock." Which was really unnecessary and also kinda immature. I mean, he says this when he tells about Kuklinski in prison and the prison psychiatrist says that Kuklinski is psychotic....and the author then writes, "no shit, Sherlock." Which, ha, yeah, some dude kills a bunch of people in horrible ways it doesn't take a genius...but also? The guy's in prison and he has to undergo a psych test...and the test has to have a conclusion made by a doc...and the doc was just saying what the test concluded...no need to make the doc look like an idiot for doing his job, douchebag. No need to be a dick, Mr. Carlo.

Anyway, interesting read.

33. The Black Dahlia Avenger by Steve Hodel
This is a true crime nonfiction book. And as those kinds of books go, it's really easy to get into. It's never boring. And it's descriptions of old Hollywood and LA are really neat to read.

Basically the story is this: Steve Hodel goes through his dead dad's things and finds pictures that his dad took of Elizabeth Short, the Black Dahlia. He finds this curious and so he investigates further (he's a retired LA policeman and now works as a PI) and he finds what he believes to be oodles and oodles of evidence that his dad not only killed Ms. Short, but several other woman in LA in the 1940's.

So like I say, an interesting read. However, I gotta say that I wasn't really convinced. Oh sure, his father, Dr. George Hodel, was an egomaniac, womanizer, pedophile and all around major fucking asshole, but all the evidence that pins the Dahlia murder on him is circumstantial (i guess it's circumstantial...if there's a word that would be one level lower than that it would be more accurate.) and since it happed more than 50 years ago...I'm sorry, but I'm gonna need actual proof before I believe Dr. Hodel killed her.

But who knows, maybe he was the serial killer. It's possible. The parts I really enjoyed were the gossipy Hollywood parts. It seems Dr. Hodel knew lots of famous people like John Huston and Man Ray and they would have these crazy drug and sex parties. Like, all the time.

If you like true crime you'll probably enjoy this book. I enjoyed the book.

32. At Risk by Patricia Cornwell
What is this? Something new?

This is a new novel by Ms. Cornhole. It's not part of the Scarpetta series nor is it part of the awesomely funny Andy Brazil series. It's something new, in a new town and with all new characters.

Unfortunately it's not that great. It's not even good, really. And that's a damn shame because I'll admit Ms. Cornwell is a fantastic writer and this book is total blah. Honestly, it's like they published the first draft or something. The flow of the book was choppy and confusing, and some sentences just didn't even make sense. I would read them over and over and think, "Am I going nuts? Why am I not getting this?"

And true, most of the characters are not that likeable (kinda like in the Scarpetta series, hm? WHY? WHY DO YOU MAKE THEM SO SHITTY?!) and you find it hard to even care what's going to happen to them (shallow, shallow, shallow!) and I can't stand that, HOWEVER, even when she writes those shitty characters it's still written well.

But not this time.

In fact, I doubt she even wrote it. I think someone else wrote it like a parody of her work or something. Only not a good parody, just a bad detective book about emotional cripples who work with law enforcement. And it mentions a Hummer and a helicopter, which are musts in a P. Cornwell novel. The only good this about this book is that it's short.

31. The Patient Nurse by Diana Palmer
This book...
I can't bring myself to say anything good about this book. I'll just go ahead and tell ya, it's a romance book. And perhaps that's why it sucked like a bucket of leeches. But honestly, just cos a book is slapped with the romance genre doesn't mean it has to suck so hard it gives my brain a hickey.

The only reason I read this book is cos this old lady at work said, "This is the best book I've ever read."
"Really?" I asked, "This book, right here, is the BEST book you've EVER read?"
"Mmhmm," she nodded.
Now, she's 900 years old right? So I figure that she's probably read...let's say, half the books ever written so it's pretty good odds that the book is going to be a pretty good book. Right?

Of course not, I mean, look at the cover and read the premise. It sounds ridiculous. But, it was short and had very large print and I figured it was worth an evening of my time to read it and pad the numbers.

The Wacky Premise:
The dude is a heart surgeon. He's Latino. So his name was...something like Rico or Mario or something. He was very handsome. But also, he was sad because his snobby, evil, gorgeous wife died two years ago of pneumonia. He loved her so much because she was beautiful and perfect. Except she was a total shallow bitch.

The girl is an orphan who grew up living with the bitch wife. They were cousins. She is meek and nice. The bitch wife and the Doctor have always made fun of the orphan girl. Her name is something like...Nancy? She is a nurse.

The problem is when the bitch wife gets sick, the doctor has to go to Paris for some kind of doctor meeting and she wants to go. But the doc says no she can't go because she's sick. He asks Nancy to watch the bitch wife while he's away, since she's a nurse and all.

Well, the bitch wife with pneumonia gets so mad she sits out in the rain to "show him". That is so fucking stupid. Anyway, she gets way sick and starts to die and needs to go to the hospital. BUT! Oh Mah Gah! It turns out that Nancy is also very sick! She has a weak heart! And while rushing to the phone to call for the ambulance she has a heart attack and nearly dies!

The bitch wife does die.

Everyone, the doctor and the bitch wife's family who took Nancy in as a kid, hates her now because they blame her for the bitch wife's death. And she never tells them about her having a heart attack while trying to save the bitch.

30. California Demonby Julie Kenner
This is the sequel to Carpe Demon which was part of last year's fiddy. This book was just as good as the first one, however, I must pick on one thing because it's one of those things that COULD SO EASILY BE CORRECTED BEFORE PUBLISHING THAT IT DRIVES ME CRAZY.

It's redundancy...I hate it.

How many times do you think it should take to get the point across that the heroine, Kate, loves her family and wants to protect her family from the demons that she has to hunt? Hmm? How many times do we need the character to get mad and say something like, "Demons? At my daughter's school? NOT ON MY WATCH. THEY BETTER STAY AWAY FROM MY FAMILY. I LOVE MY FAMILY. I'LL DO ANYTHING TO PROTECT THEM. EVEN IF I HAVE TO LIE TO THEM. BLAH BLAH BLAH."

She says this like, three or four times...IN EACH FUCKING CHAPTER. Does no one proof read for things like that? Or am I an idiot and books are supposed to go throught the Department of the Redundancy Department? Hm? Just me? My own pet peeve? I'm the only one going insane from having to read the same sentence over and over throughout the book?
Okay.

Other than that one little thing, the book was very enjoyable. The way Kate has to juggle her family life around killing demons and keeping it all a secret is hilarious. And the way she deals with missing her first husband (who was murdered) and how she loves her second husband is a really interesting, um...thing? Sorry, I can't think of a word.

Okay, but the best part (hee, not really "best" but, hee!) is her picture in the back of the cover. Holy Shit. That CAN'T be real. I think, or rather, what I'd like to think is that it's a joke, like an inside joke between her and her friends...they were all sitting around (as friends do) talking about her book about to be published (as they do) and there was some drinks (as there is) and one of her dear friends said, "OH MY GAH! Do  you KNOW what would be SO FUNNY?!"
"No. What's that?"
"You should TOTALLY have one of those publicity photos taken and put on the back cover! But only, make the picture REALLY CRAZY DUMB!"
"Okay!"

Anyway, you should read this book. Well, read the first book then read this book.

29. A Boy of Good Breeding by Miriam Toews
Last year I read her other book A Complicated Kindness, and I loved it to pieces. In fact, it was so good I gave it 0 Jose Cansecos. This book is just as great, but I found one of the main characters, Hosea, so annoying that I hated it when I would get to one of his parts of the book. He wasn't a bad character, just a little crazy. And I kept thinking, "yes, he's crazy, we get it, now let's get back to the better characters."

There's basically two storylines, the one with Hosea, the mayor of the smallest town in Canada, and Knute a young mother who moves back to the small town with her daughter. Since this is Canada's smallest town there are of course hilarious small town characters: Combine Jo, the town drunk who gets smashed and rides her combine over her dead husband's grave. Mr. Dranger, the asthmatic fireman. and there's also Bill Quinn...a stray dog.

So the novel is a slice of rural Canadian life. Which, believe it or not, is a lot like a small town in the south. I guess small towns everywhere are probably a lot alike. But it was a bit of a shock to me to think that way because it's Cananda. It's a different country. I, being the Stupid American Pig Dog, would've assumed a small rural Canadian town to be all frozen and Eskimo-y. So imagine my surprise when I'm reading this fantastic book and laughing at all the crazy goings on and thinking, "wow, what a bunch of rednecks!"

See how we learn when we read? It's like my tiny world just gets bigger and bigger.

Definitely read this book, and also read A Complicated Kindness if you haven't already.

I give this one Canseco because Hosea was so weird.

28. To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee
This novel took me two weeks to read. I don't know why. This was a great book as you probably know because you probably had to read this when you were in school. I didn't. I've no idea how I escaped reading this book in school as I remember that other reading classes had to read it.

It's a "delight" to read because it's told from the perspective of the little girl, Scout, and it's funny to read what she thinks. That was the main thing (to me) that made the book so enjoyable. The racial part of the book was weird to me. Not that I don't get it, sure, I got it, the kids were the least racist and they didn't understand why "folks" can't just be treated like...folks. And of course adults complicate things and bladdy bladdy bladdy.

But it seemed to me that the black people in the book weren't trying to change anything either. it was like, thank God for the white folks to save the black folks so...that was the part that i didn't get. But maybe that's cos i'm mean and cynical.

Maybe that's not what Ms. Lee was going for right? but there's a piece of the book that's like that. But the story is really enjoyable. The ending is abrupt.

27. Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West by Gregory Maguire
My friend Lenola let me borrow this book 2 years ago. I'm a total shitheel for not reading it before now.

I'd reccommend this book to everyone. This novel was fantastic! If you're a lover of anything Wizard of Oz (as i am, beit books, movies whathaveyou) then you will NOT be disappointed at all. Mr. Maguire stays true to the characters and to OZ.

The best part of this book (to me, of course) is all the sex and fart jokes. Lots of bawdy humor. Hee, I said bawdy.

The worst part of the book is the very beginning where it talks about Elphaba's (the Witch of the West) parents. It's really slow and draggy and it doesn't need to be. But as soon as Elphaba gets to college it picks up, and I hated to put the book down.

It's a really smart book and it touches on MANY surprising themes. I say surprising because it's not just about the witch being a bad witch. It's about women, animal rights, religion, politics, sexuality, and individuality. It's incredible how the book touches on all these things...some in great depth while still being an easy to read enjoyable novel.

It gets one Canseco because really, it's just fan fiction.
Hee.

26. Velocity by Dean Koontz
My friend Debbie is keeping me busy with Koontz books.

This book was quite the page turner. That was understatement.

HOLY SHIT. While reading this book I kept thinking, "Wow, I've never had a bad day in my life." The poor guy in this book, Billy, has one of the worst weeks ever. It all starts when he finds a note on his car saying something like, "If you go to the police I'll kill an old lady. If you don't I'll kill a young school teacher." Thinking it's a sick joke he doesn't go to the cops. Next day? Dead school teacher.

So you'd think that okay, now go to the cops. But the bad guy, he keeps planting evidence that will lead to Billy on all the murders. In fact, while Billy's at work one day the bad guy kidnaps a lady and kills her in Billy's house. BAD DAY. And he can't go to the cops. OH MY GOSH WHAT WOULD YOU DO IN A SITUATION LIKE THAT?!

I had a stomach ache the whole time I read this book. Surprisingly, the book has a happyish ending. I didn't think that would be possible.

25. Forever Odd by Dean Koontz
This is the sequel to Odd Thomas and it was not nearly as good as Odd Thomas. I mean, not even close. In this book one of Odd's friends is kidnapped by a crazy lady. And Odd uses his powers to find him. And that's it. It's not as sweet or funny as the first book.

It gets 5 Canseco Bombs. i've never given any book 5 before. What a let down, Mr. Koontz!

24. Odd Thomas by Dean Koontz
I haven't read a Koontz book since I was in high school. I think the last one I read was Intensity, and remember they made that TV movie out of it? All I can remember is the guy saying, "Now THAT'S! inTENSE !" Good times.

I enjoyed this novel. It was funny, sweet, weird, and very sad. Odd Thomas (his first name is Odd) is this 20 year old guy who can see the dead. He helps dead people. He's a really nice guy. I can't really talk about the book with out mentioning spoilers though. I really appreciated the humor in the book.

I'm currently reading the sequel Forever Odd.

23. One for the Money by Janet Evanovich
Tina "Sugarlips Muldoon" Sewell gave me that book last year to read for my fifty. Well, I was a year late in reading it, but I think it worked out okay. This is the first book in the Stephanie Plum series. This book was pretty funny and I love how the character, Stephanie, deals with everything. She becomes a bounty hunter 'cos she needs the money. But she knows noting about capturing people. (The first guy she goes after is a cop wanted for murder. He's innocent and all, and she helps him prove his innocence and you can totally tell that he's going to be in the other books and they'll probably do it.) I know. Stupid premise but it's really funny. The only thing I don't get is why she's ALWAYS wearing spandex biker's shorts. Wha fuh? I just...don't get that. Maybe it's a Jersey thing?

Anyway, it's light reading and I'm totally glad to start another series since I know I won't get to read the lastest Scarpetta novel 'cos it's always checked out at the library, and that's fine 'cos I'm in hate with her right now anyway. Besides, Stephanie Plum is funny.

22. Trace by Patricia Cornwell
Why do I do this? Why do I continue to read a series of books when I know it's time to STOP reading the series because it's the same ol' bullshit over and over AND? AND?! It's obvious that the author is done with the series as well. And I knew this. I knew it 2 books ago, yes I'm looking at you, Blow Fly. And don't even get me started on The Last Precinct. Lord, have mercy.

So, Trace. More of the same only I don't know how she did it, but Scarpetta is actually even MORE bitchy in this book. How was that possible? I DON'T KNOW. In fact? ALL the characters have become hateful, bitchy people. Wha' happened?

And I thought that maybe Ms. Cornwell was trying to make way for Lucy's character. Y'know, like, maybe Lucy would sort of take over and Scarpetta would be one of the peripheral characters. Yeah, a good idea I thought. But no. Or rather, better not. Because she makes Lucy just as hateful and fucked up as the others. I don't get it. There's no love! Scarpetta and Benton are having a "time out". They can't "be there"  for each other...and not just 'cos they live 800 miles apart, but because they're both EMOTIONALLY FRIGID.

Marino still pines for Scarpetta. Blah blah blah. But AT LEAST Ms. Cornwell hasn't killed him off with a heart attack yet. In fact, he's been working out and is on the Atkin's Diet. How nice for him.

And Lucy, geezloiuse. She needs therapy AND she's a spoiled brat.

I'm so sick of these characters and apparently so is Ms. Cornwell. Except that there's a new one out now. Shit.

You know I'll read it.
And NOT because I want to, but because I have to. It's an OCD thing, you understand, right? You know I don't enjoy this anymore, right? Right? Oh mommy make it stop.

21. The Heart is a Lonely Hunter by Carson McCullers
What is it about The South?
This novel was good, but only because it's old. It was published in 1940, and the story takes place in a southern town in 1938-39. I think if it was written today it would still be good, but no one would care. There is zero action. It's like a slice of life thing mostly, but it's all sad, stuck lives. There's a feeling of hopelessness throughout the whole book. And I'm sure that's what the author was going for because hey, 1930s southern town...what else is there? The people are dirt poor and the black people are treated like dirt. There's not much positive here.

There's a girl. And her part in the story is, of course, the coming of age story. Which is fine. And going in I kinda figured she'd be raped by one of the mutes or the other dirty, constantly sweating men, but no.
She has sex with the neighbor kid, and I think she was just curious about the whole thing. In fact, if I hadn't been expecting it I'm sure I wouldn't have even known that what I had just read was a "sex part". Because people back then sure didn't write the sex as explicit as they do now. Which is fine, but honestly, if I'd have read this in high school I totally would've been confused about any question on the test about sex 'cos I'd have never picked up on the fact that there was sex in the book, that's how well it was hidden.

In this book, and probably her other books (I really don't know 'cos i've never read any of Mrs. McCullers other books) like other southern writers (read: Faulkner) she has characters that are Grotesques, and that's always interesting to me. I don't consider deaf mutes to be grotesque, but there's something about the south that makes anything in it slightly more groteseque than it really is. Wow, am I hating on the south? Well, that's okay, because I live here...and it's true.

This book, it turns out, is one of Oprah's Book Club books because Oprah is a facist. I kid. Anyway, don't read this unless you like Southern Gothic books. I liked it, but it's definetly not a, "Oh my gosh! You HAVE to read this before you die!" book.

20. The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown
Honestly, the only reason I read this is I wanted to read it before I saw the movie which comes out next month. So if you plan on seeing the movie and don't want to know anything about it, like, how it ends, stop reading this. It may contain SPOILERS for you. I guess.

I was disappointed because let me just say right off, all the codes in the book? The codes that lead the Tom Hanks and the French Lady to the Holy Grail which may or may not actually be a goblet but could possibly be a person? The codes? The codes aren't Leonardo's codes at all. The codes were written by the French Lady's Dead Grandpa. The codes are like that game we all played when we were kids, Treasure Hunt, were you leave a clue and that clue leads to another clue...only in their case the codes lead to some of Leonardo's paintings 'cos the french guy hid something behind it, and they also have interpol after them.
So big, fat lie about the codes being all "Da Vinci". Letdown.

Next! The Holy Grail blah blah blah Mary Magdalene blah blah blah I don't care. The Catholic Church blah blah blah I really don't care. I hear that the Vatican is not thrilled with the book or movie and that it is encouraging catholics to boycott the film. Yes, because that's...worked before? I mean, they think THIS gives the Catholic Church a bad rap? Oh, shut up, Catholic Church you should worry more about your child ass-raping priests and stop treating your parishioners like they belong to a midwest elementary school.

I think people forget that it's just a novel...even if some of it is based on truth...it's still fiction, people.

I don't think I would have enjoyed the book as much if i had not had several art history classes in college. I think the book would've seemed even more fake and hokey if I didn't have that background. So I really don't understand why it was so popular. This is going to be an action film for nerds...without spaceships and Han Solo. Which is kinda cool I think.

The book gets 3 Jose Cansecos because there's always too many actiony/cliffhanger chapter endings in Dan Brown's books, which make the story so hokey you want to laugh.

19. The Isle of Dogs by Patricia Cornwell
This is the 3rd book in her Other Series and not the Scarpetta Series. This book was too long and kinda boring which is a damn shame because it was actually enjoyable. I love this series because it's funny, and Ms. Cornwell can actually write funny. (And the Worst Sentece Award goes to...) She is able to capture the funniness of miscommunication. That is really what the whole series is about, miscommunication and the hilarity that ensues. It actually reminds me of the comedic short stories of Guy de Maupassant. Or maybe I'm thinking of Anton Chekhov. Or both? Whichever one wrote the funny stories about everyday life. Look, the fact that I can even remember those two names and that one of them may have written funny short stories is a miracle okay? I majored in art had two classes of American Lit., and those names are obviously foreign.

I know it seems blasphemous to compare a modern writer of pulpy forensic science stories to one (or two, actually) classic modern writers who made short stories famous...anyway, whatever. This series is really enjoyable.

However, there was one subplot of the book that confused me 'cos it was never really cleared up: the character Unique, who I think may have been possessed? Or was she just crazy? This was never totally resolved and that bothered me.

PS: "classic modern writer"? is that even...?

18. The Beautiful Side of Evil by Johanna Michaelsen
This was a non-fiction book about a lady, Ms. Michaelsen, who was involved in the occult. But she thought she was just involved in miraculous healings since she was always praying to Jesus. Also, she could see ghosts and demons.

After a couple of years, she finally figured out that hey, maybe this isn't from God. And I was all, "No shit, lady. What was the tip? Was it the mexican lady who OBVIOUSLY BECAME POSSESSED when she performed miracle surgeries? because THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN A CLUE FOR ME." But I wasn't there and of course I'm not judging her at all.

It's a weird book. But the ending is pretty good because it's about some "rules of thumb" (hee) when dealing with spiritual things. So the book is worth just that part alone. The actual story part of the book is okay.

17. Chill of Fear by Kay Hooper
Go to hell. It's a TRILOGY. I can't just NOT read the other two books. (Luckily the last one hasn't come out yet...or if it has, the library doesn't have it.)
Same formula as the last one only this time the psychic didn't know she was a psychic; she just thought she was crazy. Also, there wasn't much of a romance story in it although the male psychic FBI agent does kiss her at the end, and shut up i totally did not give the ending away because if you've ever read any of these you KNOW that the two psychics ALWAYS, fucking ALWAYS get together at the end.

Just once i'd like for the two psychics to either be gay or hate each other.

16. Hunting Fear by Kay Hooper
Oh, I know. I said I would never read any more Kay Hooper books. I said they were crap. And...they are. But apparently she started a new trilogy with the same Special Crime Unit Psychic FBI Agent Characters. And hells bells, I'm weak, you know this. This is the first book in the "Fear" trilogy. It's just as predictable and formulaic as her other Bishop/SCU novels.
There's a psychic who isn't part of the SCU. A member of the SCU comes to the same town to solve the mystery. This person is of the opposite sex so there will be a romance aspect. Together, at last, they are able to solve the mystery. Just like all her other books.
In this one the non-FBI psychic is a carnie. So that was kind of fun.

15. gods in Alabama by Joshilyn Jackson
Laura let me borrow this book and I read it in two days. I loved it.
Laura is always leary about books (and movies) that take place in the south (especially Alabama) because she thinks they only portray it negatively. or dorkily. I love that Laura can see the better part of the south; that she knows she belongs not to the south where everyone has a friend named Bubba, but to a new, and smarter south complete with art galleries and coffeeshops. BUT, that is the exception and nowhere near the rule.

There are still small towns that are just like the town in the book. And I think the author does a great job describing the town, the people, the rednecks, the religion etc. perfectly.

Also, there were some funny parts that cracked me up so bad i ended up scaring the cat i was laughing so hard.

Kelly, you would really like this book.

14. Breakfast at Tiffany's and Three Short Stories by Truman Capote.
Breakfast at Tiffany's the novel is about 3 trillion times better than the shit movie from the 1960s. The novel allows Holly Golightly to be way more clever and funny and crude. Oh yes, she is crude. Also, she's a whore. Which makes her character even better, I say. The Audrey Hepburn character? No. And George Peppard? Why? Bad. Bad movie. Awesome book.

And now that I've read it I feel bad because you know Mr. Capote saw the film and was all, "WTF?" Because it's total shit.

The other three stories were:

House of Flowers which I think I had read before 'cos while I was reading it I knew everything that would happen next. It's a great story with these great characters. It takes place in Haiti. It's got a "ghost story" vibe.

The Diamond Guitar which was okay. It was about this old guy in prison. I didn't like this story so much, it just didn't grab me, y'know?

A Christmas Memory which is my least favorite Truman Capote story ever. I've hated this one ever since we had to read it every year in high school. I hate the story. I hate the poorness. I hate cousin Sookie. I hate the fruitcakes. I hate the kites. This story is SUCH a downer for me that i think it could instantly trigger clinical depression.

13. Oh, The Things I know! by Al Franken
This little book was kinda like a humorous advice book. My dad thought it was the funniest thing he's ever read. I didn't think it was that funny. It wasn't not funny, but Franken has done better.

12. Intuition by Allegra Goodman
This novel was pretty good, which was a nice surprise seeing as how the only reason i checked it out was the cover art. is it not gorgeous? i love stuff like that.

Anyway, the novel is about a research lab in the 1980s. It shows how the characters have to deal with the politics of research and other things that you never thought about because you're not a scientist. The characters were very fleshed out, which is always nice. And there were a plethora of characters...however, they all seemed to be jewish and/or have blue eyes. What is up with that, Ms. Goodman? Sure, i get the Jew part, but EVERYONE has blue eyes? It just seems...unimaginative. Other than that, it was a good book.

11. The Brooklyn Follies by Paul Auster.
Has this guy ever written anything bad?
This novel was fanTAStic. It's about an older guy who's dying of cancer and he basically moves back to Brooklyn to die. But then he runs into his nephew and they become great friends and...so many great characters. There's little Lucy and everything she says (when she's speaking) is hilariously weird. There's the B.P.M. who turns into an actual character in the book. There's Harry (gay) who is interesting. The Chowders, Aurora, just lots of neat characters. He even throws in some lesbians at the end.

And oh, this book is FILLED with great sentences. Anyway, the book isn't sad at all. Sad things happen, but they didn't make me cry...and i'm an easy mark for that kind of thing so that's why i say it's not sad.

The ending was kind of abrupt and i thought that maybe the author was in a hurry to end it. But also, i think it works because so much happened in the book that to completely resolve everything normally would have stretched it into a giant tome. And no one likes that kind of thing, Ayn Rand.

10. Winesburg, Ohio by Sherwood Anderson
This novel was written in 1919. But the stories within take place earlier than that. So it's very dated. Very dated. It's also, very much about sex, only not because: 1919.
but totally: sex. only it's in that early American lit. way.
por exemplo:

"The young man began to laugh nervously. "It's warm," he said. He wanted to touch her with his hand. "I'm not very bold," He thought. ... They began to walk along a narrow brick sidewalk between the cracks of which tall weeds grew...He took hold of her hand that was also rough and thought it delightfully small...In the path at the side of the road they were compelled to walk one behind the other. Will Overton's berry field lay beside the road and there was a pile of boards. "Will is going to build a shed to store berry crates here," said George and they sat down upon the boards.

When George Willard got back into Main Street it was past ten o' clock and had begun to rain....George Willard felt satisfied. He had more than anything else wanted to talk to some man."

Does that mean he did it with that girl? Because if that's what it means, then lots of people in this town had sex in the woods.

Anyway, the book is basically like this: each chapter is slice of life of one of the people who live in the town of Winesburg, Ohio. I'm not sure how that's pronounced either, the whole time I've been saying win-es-burg, but as I typed it out I guess maybe it's wines-burg? Who cares.

So it's about different people but it kind of centers around George Willard, who is a very young reporter for the Winesburg Eagle. I say very young because at the end of the book he moves out of town and he's only 18 years old. So i'm thinking he lost his virginity at about 13?

All the characters are either
A. horny
B. crazy
C. crazy-horny
D. lonely
E. functionally retarded; a Lenny

Anyway, after reading this book you can totally see how this author guy (who i never heard of before) influenced just about every great American author that you love to hate. read: Faulkner.
see also: Steinbeck; Miller, Henry.

Although it's totally outdated it's still a great book and a great read. You know what? I take it back, it's not outdated. All of the characters' lack of communication, lack of passion, lack of faith, lack of whatever... is still, you know, applicable.

It gets two Jose Cansecos for being so quaint.
"Wait, did they just have sex?"

9. Music For Chameleons by Truman Capote
This is a book of short stories written by Capote. The book is made up of three parts. The first is "Music For Chameleons" and it's 6 short stories. The second is "Handcarved Coffins" and it's a "Nonfiction account of an American Crime". This is different from In Cold Blood because in that book Capote never mentions himself (well, one time he does, but he never names himself), which is another reason why I loved that book so much.

The third part is "Conversational Portraits". Some of those stories are just interviews and some are more story-like. They are perfect.

I enjoyed every single one of the stories in this book. You should totally read this. He is an amazing writer. I don't know if I would enjoy his fiction as much as I enjoy his nonfiction-esque stuff, who knows. Maybe I'll go back to the used book store and buy Breafast at Tiffany's.
As I recall, I think we both kind of liked it. (Actually, it didn't leave much of an impression on me, but i had to use that line.)

8. Freakonomics: A Rogue Economist Explores the Hidden Side of Everything by Steven D. Levitt and Stephen J. Dubner
The title is misleading and should be Freakonomics: Pretty Much Random Shit. Steven is the "rogue economist" and Stephen is the author. Also, when I think of "rogue economist" I picture this Robin Hood guy busting in on business meetings all, "huzzah!" and throwing pie charts and lists of numbers at CEOs. And now so do you.

I really liked this book. It was very interesting. It had nothing to do with economics in a monetary way. The book mainly discussed things and how they relate to other things using numbers and data and research. And that was the dumbest sentence ever. Anyway the book talks about teachers who cheat the SATs, abortion, and black people names among other things.

The point I liked the best: because of legalized abortion the crime rate has been declining since the 1990s.

TATDOW.

Makes sense to me.

Anyway, this book gets zero Jose Cansecos because it was fun to read AND nonfiction.

7. In Cold Blood by Truman Capote
I'm not really a great fan of Capote. I've only read a couple of short stories, and my reaction was always, "Okaaay, but why is he so famous?"
Well, after reading this book, let me just apologize for all my Capote Hate that I've done in the past. This book is amazing. Amazing! I don't even know if I can describe why I liked it so much.
First off, it's a nonfiction novel. Wha? I know. But he makes it work. He does. He really does. It's beautifully written. As far as descriptions and emotions...beautiful. The book is so interesting that you're compelled to keep reading. I even cried at a couple of parts.

The only annoying part is that since most of the text and dialogue is taken from statements, there's tons of quotations within sentences. Does that make sense? Did i describe that right? Anyway, once you get used to that then it's really not that annoying.

This book is so good that I wish that I had actually read it in 11th grade when I had to write a paper about the book and author.

Go now. Buy it, check it out, i don't care. Just do it. Read this book. Now. Do it. Buy a mountian. Do it. Do it today.

6. Dinner With a Perfect Stranger: An Invitation Worth Considering by David Gregory
This book was interesting. It's about a normal guy who receives a dinner invitation at a fancy Italian restaurant with Jesus of Nazereth. The guy thinks it's a hoax that his friends are playing so he goes along with it. At first he doesn't think that the other guy is Jesus. But as the dinner goes on it gets kinda strange 'cos the Jesus guy knows things about his life.
Good book, short read (100 pages), and the theology was sound.

5. Hell's Belles by Kristen Robinette
Laura asked me if I wanted to read a book that one of Cakehole's clients wrote and I said, "Sure." This was one of those Harlequin NEXT books. Which I think is the Harlequin Chicklit Brand Name. It's a story about 4 girls who are best friends in high school and then they drift apart and 20 years later they come back to their hometown and become friends again. There was way too much going on in this book though, I mean, every character had drama. And? At one point someone rents a house in 5 minutes.

What?

Anyway it was funny in parts, and the character's attitudes were right on. I enjoyed the book. I was, however, disappointed. The cover had a bowling alley on it so i thought that meant they would bowl, but they didn't. They just hung out at the bowling alley bar.

Oh, and the town is called Haddes. Which is why they're Hell's Belles. Get it? I thought it was funny.

4. Everyone Else's Girl by Megan Crane
Ah, the first chicklit of the year.
I enjoyed this book so much. It's typical chicklit, but it didn't have a pair of shoes on the cover. hee.
It was a story about this lady named Meredith who graduates from college and moves away from her crazy family and builds a new and perfect life. But then, she has to go home to help out her dad and to be in her brother's wedding. The brother is marrying her best friend from high school, though they aren't really friends anymore. Wackiness ensues.
The youngest sister, Hope, is hilarious.

Laura, Kelly, you should read this. Go read an excerpt.

It gets one Jose Canseco because it was so damn enjoyable.

3. New Rules by Bill Maher
Hmm. Another book written by a comedian. Oh well, they can't all be How Green was my Valley. Thank God Almighty.
This book was funnier than Nothing's Sacred, and i'm only comparing them because they're both by comedians and I read them so close together. It was funnier to me because it made fun of politics and pop culture more than the other book. The thing with Bill Maher though is that he makes too many Gay Jokes and Catholic Priest Pedophile jokes. Like, we get it. It was funny on page 19, but did you have to have one on every page after that? But I do like that he makes fun of the Republicans and the Democrats making his book actually fair and balanced.

2. Nothing's Sacred by Lewis Black
Everyone knows who Lewis Black is, right? He's the ranty comedian guy? From the Daily Show? So you can imagine how funny his book is. It's really funny. He talks mostly about growing up in D.C. and going to college in NC. and a tiny bit about NY, hee. He talks about his childhood and college years mostly. Did you know he's a playwright? I know! So I'm kind of wondering if he's gay.
Derp!

For real, this book was funny. It was really choppy though. Of course, it was just a bunch of essays about different things but still, choppy. And also he talks about the '60s and '70s a lot but then barely says anything about the '80s and '90s. He rips Nixon a new one, but says nothing about Reagan or Clinton. And i don't know if you've ever seen any of his stand-up, but it's very shouty and angry. So I was really surprised and happy to see how loving and happy he can be. For instance he talks about this dog he had in college, a lot. And you know when people love dogs that they are good people.
Aren't they?

Anyway, good book if you like political/religious humour.

1. FullMetal Alchemist vol. 1 The Land of Sand by Makoto Inoue trans. by Alexander O. Smith
I love this cartoon on [adultswim]. I do. I hate that I do, but I do. So I read this book that is based on the cartoon. I would classify this as a kid's book. Definitely. Ths book wasn't as sad as the show, for some reason the show always seems to have a sad ending.

It's about Eric and Alphonse Elric, brothers, who are looking for a Philosopher's Stone (so they can get their regular bodies back. long stupid story.) and they go to this old mining town and find that there are two other brothers there posing as the Elric brothers. Adventure and fighting ensue.
If you like the show you'll like the book.
It would be unfair to give this book any Jose Cansecos because it's well, it is what it is.