| January 2007 Dribblings | |
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1.31.07 when i got home from work this afternoon i came home to a houseful of cat puke. apparently there had been an exorcism while i was out. i cleaned up the many piles and then the cat started hurling all over again. she can't even keep water down. so first thing in the morning i'll have her at the vet's office. she's giving me hell at the moment cos she wants food, but forget it sister, i'm tired of cleaning up your puke. i've cleaned up 23 pukes and i'm out of paper towels. i've been holding her and petting her a lot this afternoon/evening and it's weird because she seems to have more energy today than in all the past 14 days combined. (you'll recall that two weeks ago i had to take her to the vet for blood in the urine) and all she's done the past two weeks is sleep for 23 hours a day and the other hour is her eating/shitting/re-nesting hour. and honestly, there hasn't been that many poops in the litter box. and she's been eating like a hoss. and she's lost a lot of weight. she looks scrawny. and i can feel her bones when i pet her. what is wrong with my keekat? i'm terrified that it's going to be something horrible like diabetes or kidney failure or other such ailment. and i can't justify spending money on insulin or other medicines that will prolong her life but will confuse her and make her hate me (i can't see her being all, "hey! come and prick me twice a day to check my blood sugar and then hold me down and give me a shot! i totally understand why you do it and i love you for it!" no. the cat will hate us. she'll live the rest of her days hating me and terrified that every time i touch her i'm gonna give her a shot. another fear i have
is that she has rabies. it's a dumb fear. i know that. but still, i can
see the vet saying, "mrs. jones, your cat has rabies." and then after i
come to and tell the vet that she hasn't been out of the house for two
years how could she possibly have rabies. and then the vet says, "it can
lay dormant for years. in fact, you probably have rabies too." and somehow
i'll wake up from the nightmare with a wet pillow...because i've spit all
over it. or maybe the cat just has a virus or something. i mean, i guess they can just get sick, right? although, i've NEVER heard of anyone who had a cat that got a stomach virus. this is dumb. i'm going to bed and when i get up i'll take the kitty to the vet and we'll see what he says. 1.30.07 Dear Internet, I can't stress this enough, okay? So listen up. If your pet (dog OR cat OR whatever) gets into rat/mouse poison? Here's what you do: TAKE IT TO THE VET, YOU IDIOT. DO NOT PASS GO, DO NOT COLLECT $200, AND DO NOT WASTE TIME LOOKING UP HALF-ASSED "REMEDIES" ON THE INTERNET. A pet is your responsibility. And I know you don't want to shell out real money on something so dumb as a dumbass animal that ate poison. But the thing is, animals are really dumb and they don't know any better, just like little kids. And if a kid ate rat poison you wouldn't stop to search online for dumbass remedies would you? (my father excluded) No. You wouldn't. SO TAKE YOUR PETS TO THE VET, YOU FREAKS. AND WHILE YOU'RE THERE GET THEM SPAYED AND NEUTERED. IF YOU'RE NOT AN ANIMAL BREEDER YOUR PET SHOULD NOT HAVE BALLS. 's all I'm sayin'. Love, Auntie Jaimie *** my friend suzie and i were joking back and forth about the titles of kid's books and we particularly made fun of Franklin and Junie B. Jones. and so to give her (and perhaps you) a chuckle, here's some more titles: Junie B. Jones Vs. Godzilla Franklin Gets a Telegram From the War Department Baby-sitter's Club: Jessi and the Secret Gambling
Addiction 1.29.07 BUT! in exchange for your forgiveness i give you... a WEEKLY! enjoy! 1.28.07 1.27.07 but i am working on a weekly. *GASP* 1.23.07 so i thought i'd be all clever and head this thing off at the pass, right? so i went to flal-greens and bought zicam because i'd heard of it. and it's this goop you mix in "your favorite hot or cold beverage!" i thought it was a powder, but no, it's a goopy substance. not unlike a loogie. so it brags about it being this awesome stuff that you mix in your fave drink and that it's flavorless so blahblahblah. it also says to lick out the medicine that sticks to the plastic spoon it comes in. so i mix the medicinal loogie into some tea, right? and then i licked out the leftover medicine, right? well it turns out that the flavorless goo actually tastes just like poison. nummy. s'anyway, i got the
nighttime version of the stuff because i thought it would help me sleep
better. about 40 minutes after i took it i was laying on the couch
watching a program about hot dogs on the food channel. all a sudden i wake
up all, "whoa, was i asleep?" and jimmy was burried in his laptop all,
"huh? did you say something?" and i notice that the program is now all
about cheese. i'm trying to figure out what tiem it is and how i've
managed to fall asleep ON THE COUCH and also where the pillow came from.
cos somehow i've got a bedroom pillow on the couch. i try asking jimmy
about the pillow and he's all, "are you drunk?" and i'm all, "fut mine not
drinkning no boofze today." when i woke up this morning? hangover city. and i could've slept until the 25th if i didn't have to actually do things. i still feel like
i'm catching a cold, but i don't have the horrible headache i had
yesterday. liz, i don't know HOW you do it. i had a headache ALL DAY at
work yesterday and i kept thinking, "how do people live like this? what
did i do to deverve this? why does god hate me? why does he hate liz? oh
just make it stop! i don't want to live! i don't! want! to live!" 1.23.07 i checked the catalogue and of course, no, because... obviously. i was all, "sorry big guy, we're fresh out." "somebody else got 'em?" "no sir, we don't have any." "aw yeah you do." "we do?" "yeah. i seen this guy on tv and he can hyp-no-tize people by just touchin' 'em. and he's a got a book. i want that book." awesome. he was absolutely shocked that we didn't have any books on hypnosis. he was bummed, man. i felt bad that we didn't have any though. but also? i felt relieved. 1.21.07 on thursday i woke
up and went to the bathroom and i glanced over at the litter box to see if
i needed to clean it out and OH MY SWEET LORD THERE WAS BLOOD IN THE
LITTER BOX! TOONCES! MY BABY! the vet ended up keeping her overnight. as for what is wrong with her...who knows? she's on antibiotics and steroids for two weeks and then we'll see if that has helped. if it doesn't then this may be the last of Toonces Whorecat. she doesn't seem to be feeling well, she now sleeps for 24 hours a day instead of her usual 23 hours. but she is able to get up and down the bed and she also runs to her food bowl...so she can't be too bad, right? i think the steroids make her hungry cos she ate the wet food i use to hide the pills (we were doing the Hold the Cat Down and Force Her Head Open and Throw the Pills In method of pill distribution, but she's caught on and now she fights and hisses and bites when we come at her with a pill. so i bought some wet food to hide the pills in, and wow, she LOVES that stuff.) and then turned around and ate all the dry food. i hope she gets better. *** it was Mental Illness Day at FoodMax yesterday. the cashier lady was arguing with the lady in front of the man in front of me about some kind of WIC thing. so the guys says something to the cashier and she whipped around and pointed at him and said, "Sir, I am FINE." i had thought about switching lanes because it was taking FOREVER but in a sick way i wanted to see what was going to happen. when it was the guy's turn to check out he was all, "I'LL NEVER COME THROUGH YOUR LINE EVER AGAIN. I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'RE ALL PISSED OFF AT ME WHEN ALL I ASKED WAS IF YOU WERE OKAY. YOU HAVE A BAD ATTITUDE!" she didn't respond, but she did tell hem to have a nice day as she handed over his purchases. he was all, "WELL, I'LL TRY!" then when it was my turn she said to me she says, "What is with everyone today?" i wanted to say, "hey, are you okay?" but thought better of it. *** i had a dream that i was out exploring a creek/stream with Terry Irwin and we both got bit by rattlesnakes. she talked incessantly. when we got to the Australian hospital we were separated and i couldn't find the ER section. i kept finding the bar section. yeah, a bar, in the hospital. i was all, "please help me." and so this bloke or mate or whatever behind the bar hands me a phone and a phone number but the phone number was numbers AND letters and my hands were swelling up and i couldn't figure out how to dial the number and somehow i ended up on the beach eating something called hard yogurt. i ate krystal's last night. 1.17.06 library stories: gag a maggot. i was afraid that if the kid who shat wasn't wearing a diaper, then the turd would fall out of their pants and onto the library floor. and since i'm the New Girl that i'd get stuck cleaning up turds. lucky for me (and you) no poop fell out, and i didn't have to puke my guts out over stray turds. it amazes me (and this blog proves it) how much (LITERAL) shit there is in my life. *** other things that
slay me at the 'brary: i mean, christ almighty, it's a library card...i'm not asking for your social security number. i'm not asking for the world with a fence around it. i just want to scan your card...won't take a whole second. IT'S ON YOUR KEY CHAIN FOR THE LOVE OF LOVE! GET OVER YOURSELF, YOU FUCKING COWBITCH. OH AND HEY, WHEN YOU GET A CHANCE BETWEEN ACTING INDIGNANT AND SELF-RIGHTEOUS YOU MIGHT WANT TO CHECK YOUR KID'S PANTS. SHE SEEMS TO HAVE SHIT HERSELF. it surprises me how
often people act like I'M the idiot because they don't have their card or
don't want to be bothered with getting their card out. if you forget your
card, that's fine, but at least, LEAST, act contrite about it. don't act
like i'm the fool. what? of course not!
we don't even know what those things are for! we just scan them for the
'boop' noise! talk about hilarious! ha ha! the joke's on all the suckers
who actually bring their card! you're too smart for us! and i know that some
of them have lost their card and that's okay. it'll turn up. but when the
same person comes in each week and never has their card? they've stopped
looking for it and chances are it's lost for good, but it only costs
$2.00 for a replacement card. and sure that's kinda high if you're on a
fixed income, but jesus lady, you check out ten books at a time and if you
had to buy each of those books...even used...well, you're saving a
pantload of money by horking over the two bucks. so what i'm going to need
you to do is: hundreds of people
come in to check out books, just like you, and they manage to bring a
card. when my very own father comes in to
check out a book? HE HANDS OVER HIS LIBRARY CARD. *** sorry for being so ranty. it just gets my goat when people get all huffy at me when it's not my problem. i really love my job though. my favorite part is getting to help people. if i'm able to answer their question or find their book they act like i'm a genius. oh, and as usual, old people flock to me. my life is filled
with poop and old people. what is your life filled with? i hope it's
something awesome like candy and cheese, or jokes and coffee, or plants
and ink pens. 1.14.07 anyway, friday was maintenance day. it started out with an 8:15am dental check-up. the lady hurt me. she poked SOMETHING on the top row that hurt and THEN she squirted COLD WATER on it. i jumped in the seat and my leg actually came up. "oh, is that sensitive?" it asked? after the dentist i went home to change my shirt before heading off to work at HCH, and Uncle Dante pulled into the driveway! yay! he came by to check out my red jeep because i was having a gas leak of sorts, and he's a three-time jeep owner so he's seen his share and more of jeep engine problems. i knew where it was leaking from but i didn't know what on earth the part was called. i don't feel like a "stupid girl" though because dante didn't know what it was called either. he did say, however, that i should get it fixed pretty quick seeing as how the gas would start dripping on the very hot part of the engine (manifold schmanifold). so i took it to my mechanic (if you have a jeep you have a mechanic) and he opened the smallish metal thing and replaced two measely o-rings and that fixed it, and it's dry as a bone now, and bonus! it doesn't reek of gasoline when i park the car. while i was there i had him check out my compressor 'cos SOMETHING has been making a hell of a noise when i turn the AC on. so he oiled the compressor and topped off my freon (or whatever they use now) and he said that the racket wasn't my compressor but some kind of fan. so probably sometime before summer i should get that fixed. unless i want to ride with the windows down again. i didn't use the AC much over the summer because of the hellish noise, but it didn't matter so much since the red jeep is my work jeep. but now that i'm not JUST a paint monkey, but also office monkey and library monkey...it wouldn't hurt to have the AC in the summer so i don't show up as a giant sweat ball of doom. anyway to complete
my maintenance trifecta i got moxed that afternoon. kriscakehole ask what
i wanted to do with my hair and i said, "make me the Rock 'n Roll
Librarian." on saturday at work, one of the 'brarians asked me if i was going to show up sometime with punk colored hair to surprise them. i told her i was going to wait a while on anything too surprising as i didn't want to get fired right away. she said that was a good idea. i figure maybe this summer i might try to get away with bleaching out my hair. we'll start them off easy. 1.10.07 i also got to play
with jimmy h. on drums. and it's always a pleasure to play with him
because he's a fantastic drummer. plus i was in a band with him back in
the day. so it's like old times. although that's not saying too much
because everyone's been in a band with jimmy h. anyway, before worship the band goes and prays for...you know whatever. and so there i am standing with all these guys. these wise, older gents. and for some reason i've got "holy men" stuck in my head. as in, here i am surrounded, literally, by holy men. and it's strange because i can't help but think, "how did i get here?" *** in other,
nonspiritual random: so it's an awesome thing that out of the list of hooligans the two voted in were supremely amazing players and all around great men of the game. i also dig that both ripken and gwynn played their whole careers on one team, ripken for the orioles and gwynn for the padres. i think it says a lot when a team keeps the same player for 20 years or more. anyway, enough of this sports junk.
1.09.07 "are you going to get anything back on your taxes?" "i dunno. probably? i mean, if we file together, right?" "what?" "well i've had them take out for single, right? but now we're married, right? so won't we file jointly and then get money back?" "i don't know. where's your form?" "what are you talking about? what form? that thing that came in the mail?" "...wow. anyway this one is state, where's the federal one?" "i don't think it's come yet, at least they haven't come to the library yet." "so when you do your taxes-" "i don't do my taxes." "you don't?" "no, i can't. it's the one thing i can't do." "the one thing? and don't you just use the EZ form?" "look, we can't talk about this anymore, okay? i can't talk about taxes." "then who does your taxes?" "....my mommy." "what." "shut up! i can't deal with taxes, okay?! i can't follow the directions BECAUSE I DON'T UNDERSTAND THE WORDS! IT'S ALL IF YOU MADE LESS THAN BLAH BLAH PUT A ZERO OVER HERE AND BLAH BLAH BLAH! AND I COMPLETELY FALL APART." "oh, that's right..." "don't-" "you're a girl." "stop it. i do not speak for women-" "you don't have a Y chromosome therefore-" "watch it-" "you can't do math." "i can do math! i can do math!" i screech as i hit him. "you have two X's where as i have an X AND a Y..." "F of X is Y! asshole!" "no, F of your mother is why." and that was the funniest math joke ever and i lost it and laughed myself silly. and i know that i'm
a horrible representative of the female sex, and i do apologize to all my
lady peers who are very good at math and who do not fall apart over
taxes. but that income tax
thing...it would be like watching a zombie stare at something for a
long time. and then when you tried to help the zombie it turns into an 8
year old brat. "uhhhhhng. braaaaains." "here, why don't we start by putting your name-" "I CAN'T DO IT! LEAVE ME ALONE! I HATE YOU!" ***
the library gig is
still cool. i'm not even bummed that i've got to work on saturday. dad
came in yesterday and was being dad. so he comes back a minute later with a book. i check it out to him and ask, "so...you're going to learn how to...dress a hog?" "nope, kevin and i are going to make a whiskey still." "...i'm so glad you said that out loud in front of my new co-workers." "well, it's kevin that wants to do it. but he's doing the right thing; he's asking the sheriff for permission first." "and he thinks he'll get permission?" "yeah. i think you're allowed to make so many gallons for yourself. you can't sell it." "maybe in 1963, dad." "no i really think you can make it if you have permission." " *sigh* only in alabama...and mountainous parts of kentucky i bet." meanwhile jan comes up (cos she knows dad) and says, "jaimie, is this man bothering you?" so i say, "security! i need this man escorted out of the library! i'm sorry sir, but we don't have those kinds of books here." we all laugh and dad goes into squidbilly mode, "aw sure! you brang 'em city boys on! i'll whoop 'em. like ah ain't been kicked outta library before?" since we were joking
the whole time he was in there i hope the other ladies thought the
moonshine thing was a joke too. ** the other day at
work i was thinking about how finally, after all these years (since 7th
grade. yes, i know, dream big, jaimie.) i get to work at the library. hot
dog! but then i remembered that hey, didn't i write a weekly about how i
should never work at the library because i'll become a dominatrix? um,
yes. i guess it was 3 years ago i wrote about that very thing. (laura, that
graphic kills me. you're the bomb.) 1.06.07 we played cards at mom&dad's last night. i was SO CLOSE to winning and then KABLOOIE, i was stuck with 210 points in the last hand. jimmy won, the fink. perhaps you've read the S.T.F.U. weekly? then you know how cussworthy we all are while we play cards. name calling galore. the interesting thing is that we can call each other these HORRIBLE words and then as soon as the game is over we're all back to being normal humans. last night i was dubbed the Walking, Talking, Fucking Piece of Shit by none other than flippy. like i said, i had been winning awesomely until the last hand blew me out of the water. ***
so i had the house to myself. i have no idea where justin and mom were. THEN all my neighbors hated roxy and would constantly complain about her and try to take her away from me. they would say how mean and dangerous she was to the neighborhood kids. and i was all, "what are you talking about? she's the sweetest dog ever." and then the devil lived next door. and SHE was so mean to me. she was constantly raggin' me about not being able to fly. and i kept telling her that she's the devil and therefore everything out of her mouth was a lie and that i didn't have to listen to her. mostly i'd try to avoid her. but she was ALWAYS around. she was very pretty and had long blonde hair but she was very like, 9 feet tall. huge. and such a bitch. at one point she was all, "if you can't fly up to the top of that tree i'll kill your dog and all the children in the neighborhood." and i was all, "hey, that's not fair, you rotten bitch. i'm not betting with you." and she's all, "it's not a bet. if you don't do it i'll kill 'em." so then i'm all, "why are you tormenting me?! i'll kill you!" and so i started fighting with her but then we started making out and she had just eaten an egg salad sandwich and i kept getting pieces of egg in my mouth and i was all, "you are disgusting! i hate you!" and i was spitting out the bits of egg while trying to scratch her face off and i woke up spitting into my pillow. i uh, i spit a lot in my sleep. well i mean, if i'm dreaming and i spit, then chances are i'm spitting into my pillow. i think it was two weeks ago i was telling Cookie about a dream i had where these people had given this little toddler some poisoned food at this crazy state fair. they had poisoned all the food at this one booth and anyway i had just eaten some of the food and was spitting it out and i woke up with a wet pillow. i am foul and disgusting and i don't recommend you borrow my pillow. 1.05.07 then i proceeded to check the other boxes of cereal. turns out, if given a choice of Grape Nuts or Cocoa Pebbles bugs will choose Grape Nuts. i didn't hurl or anything. surprisingly i didn't even start gagging, and i've got a hair-trigger gag reflex. i gag when i brush my teeth every day. but my stomach was a bit queasy all morning. by lunchtime i was back to eating food. second, i was at the grocery store with my baby daughter and for SOME reason i did not bring the punkin seat so i was having to carry her in my arms and try to push the cart...as rednecks do sometimes. and i was trying to figure out what i needed to buy and then i passed the baby food aisle and was all, "now what kind of formula do i use?" when i remembered that HOLY SHIT I'VE NEVER FED MY BABY! HOW OLD IS THIS BABY?! HOW COME I'VE NEVER FED HER AND HOW IS IT POSSIBLE THAT SHE LOOKS SO HEALTHY WHEN SHE'S NEVER EATEN ANY FOOD? MY GOD I'M THE WORST MOTHER EVER AND THE GOVERNMENT IS GOING TO TAKE AWAY MY BABY! AND THEY SHOULD! OH GOD PLEASE DON'T LET MY BABY DIE BEFORE I CAN FEED HER! and i awoke in a
panic filled with self-hatred for being such a terrible mother. and even
after settling down and realizing that *** Crazy Margaret just
came by to tell me that my dog has been biting her butt all day and that
it had something on it that looked like a black widow web. "you know, how
they get on you when you sleep?" *** welcome to the weekend shaggy dog! 1.03.07 also, i'm "in
charge" of the adult nonfiction books. this sounds cool as hell*, but what
it really means is that when it gets slow at work i have to go through my
section and make sure the books are in order. it took me an hour and a
half to go through .001 to 371WAL. and while that's a pantload of
books...it's not even half the section. and there were many books out
of place which i did not expect...now the kid's section on the other hand,
it's a damn nightmare, and i'm glad i'm not in charge of that lot. i panic
just putting the kid's books back on the shelves because their order is so
screwed up and DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MANY RICHARD SCARRY AND BEVERLY
CLEARY BOOKS I PUT UP TODAY? JIMINY CRICKETS, HOW MANY DAMN RAMONA BOOKS
ARE THERE?! *but what is cool as hell is i've got a key to the library! i must be livin' right! two series of books
that i had never heard of until yesterday was the Franklin the Turtle and the Junie B. Jones series. i'm so bad though, that
when i'm putting those books away i make up new titles. new, horrible
titles. the Junie B. books
are even worse because they have longer titles. so they're even more
fun. anyblah, the kid's
books intimidate me...for now. i'm sure they'll be old hat by tomorrow. oh
and hey, did you know that the library has music CDs you can check out?! i
mean, they've got some okay stuff back there. lenny kravitz. there was
another one a girl brought back today....what was it...something like
alicia keys or something. it's not all classical music is what i'm saying.
oh and DVDs. you can check out DVDs. like movies and shit. so not only can
we tell you where the post office is, we can let you have Disney's Cars for a week. ain't the library cool? 1.02.07 the job is pretty easy so far. the hardest part has been working the laser scanner. i know. but somehow i manage to suck at scanning a damn upc symbol....you know, a skill a half dead retardo montalban monkey could learn? yeah, well apparently my superior brainwaves interfere with the laser. or maybe i'm just a huge goober what can't work a damn piece of light. i even had to take
time to practice scanning books. i had to
practice. i had to practice holding a scanner up to a book. there's not
even a damn trigger to it. it's always on. it's always scanning. you just
have to point it at the damn book. i managed to laugh it off all, "heh
heh, this job sure is hard. ha." and then the book would scan and the
other library workers would be all, "yeah. you gotta hold your mouth just
right." not that i'm
recommending you do those things while driving. i'm just saying. *** my bowling scores: 95, 87. after a year of bowling i still suck hard. i'm slightly better at scanning books really. | |
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