2.28.06
happy Fat Tuesday, sinners.
once again i'll be giving up sugar for lent. it's a crazy idea, but it just might work.

for the first time that i can remember i drank juice straight from the carton yesterday. it was amazing. juice-gasmic. honestly, drinking it directly from the carton...the juice tasted so good. better than it's ever tasted before. (i don't like juice, but i drink it when i'm sick.) of course, it could have tasted so good because my nose isn't as stopped up and so maybe i have my sense of taste back.
i hate juice. mostly 'cos when i drink it, i have to drink it all. and it ends up eating the inside of my mouth away. like right now, the roof of my mouth has disintegrated. i'm an idiot. but it's true. the other day i bought some juice and took it to liz'z house and we chatted for a bit and i drank more than half of the carton while i was there. i gave myself a stomach ache doing that.
it's not the first time.
i'm just bad at juice.

i had a dream last night and in the dream i was at a restaurant/department store. while trying to buy some shoes i went to the counter and ordered a margarita milkshake. it was really thick like a Wendy's Frosty.
guys, we HAVE to figure out how to make those.

2.26.06
hi. feeling better, thanks. now i've just got the crupey cough that lasts for weeks. and, while the cough does keep me up at night (only between shots of NyQuil) i can dig it more than the sinus disaster i had the last couple of days.
oh, and PS: Mucinex.
if you take Mucinex you will feel better, but not before you become the most disgusting mutant slug of all time. i lost six pounds one morning. it was all snot.
i know.
i know.

so while sick i finished a couple of books.
fiddy . lookout fellykish!

mr. fleegan (nonblogger!) and i rented The Man and The Aristocrats.
The Man was funny-cute-predictable.
The Aristocrats was funny-gross-badwords. but there's one part where Mario Cantone does his version of the joke as Liza Minnelli, and it's BRILLIANT. he is so talented.

2.22.06
Date Movie was stupid but had some funny sight gags.

i'm sick and my lungs are on fire. FIRE!
FIIIIIYAAH!

i am the god of hellfire and i bring you...fiyah!

anyway, sick. my skin hurts. my bones ache. my brain? it's turned to goo and is leaking out my left nostril.
so go away; i'm miserable.
oh, could you toss me the kleenex on your way out?

2.21.06
oh shut up, ozzie guillen. maybe if it were 1992 people would care. no no, i understand you coach the chisox now and you guys won the world series last year. that's great. but no one cares. because you played houston. and no one cares about them either. well, except maybe a few people who live in houston. but most of them are bandwagon jumpers.

i'm not too excited about this WBC thing, even with all the hype that's being put on it. i'm not saying it's a bad thing or a stupid thing or anything like that, i'm just saying i'm not excited about it. so they take a bunch of players from all the teams and they make new teams and the new teams play? it's called the all-star game.
i think that maybe i'm not into it because i really hate the olympics, and this is just olympic baseball. yes, it is.

in other news no one cares about:
i think i'm getting the cold that everyone's had. mom's had it for a few weeks now, and most of the kids on the TN trip had it so it was inevitable. i've got a scratchy throat and my ears itch and i woke with a right nostril filled with crusty old blood.
awesome. i was all, "what's in my nose? holy crap. nostril cancer. the hell?"

last nights bowling scores: 115, 76. pretty sorry second game (pretty sorry first game too, hee. but for me? it was a good roll). several gutter ballz and a totally wasted spare.

2.21.06
we are back from TN. it was a great time. the kids had a blast. i think their favorite part was the pool table in the chalet. pool tables make awesome baby-sitters. they wouldn't leave it.
we went to the aquarium on sunday. it was pretty cool. i thought it was better than the one in new orleans.

i guess my favorite part of the trip was the White Trash Sledding (as mom called it). Flippy and i took turns hurling our bodies down the side of a stump-filled hill on a galvanized trashcan lid. the only bad part is the bottom of the hill (Suicide Hill) is an eight foot drop off onto the street. so you had to aim (note i did not say steer, for there was no way to steer the lid. you had to aim and pray.) for the woodpile, the tree, or roll off the lid in time to not plow off the bank to your most certain hospital injury.
we did this roughly 500 times.
the kids did it twice.
we thought they were the crazy ones not to have some fun on the "sled" but then we figured that hey, it is actually scary. and we are actually idiots.

we went back out two hours later and did it 900 more times, but by then the snow was icy crunchy and the sled gultches we had made were so slick and dangerous that we decided to make a new path. straight into the woodpile. it was fast. it was fun.
but now we both have bruises. mine's green now! and also i've manage to hurt something in my shoulder/collarbone area. it mainly hurts if i bend over or lay down. i can still use my arm. but when i lay down it hurts so bad. what on earth could that be?
i hope it doesn't screw up my awful bowling average.
2.17.06
i'm leaving this afternoon to go to Gatlinburg, TN (gooooood ol' FLOPPY TOP). i'm going with three other adults and 4 pre-pubescent kids. 3 boys and 1 girl. a pre-youth group, if you will, and you will.
pray for us. for me. for me that i don't curse like a sailor. that i don't teach these kids bad words on accident, "who's the douchebag pukefart that drank my last diet coke?! i'll fucking murder you!"
not that i think a bunch of kids will drink my diet coke, but you get the idea. i hear we will play uno. this could be bad.
"the next mutant to lay a gadam Draw Four on my ass will find out what it feels like to have my foot up their ass."
"stop crying! you big baby."
i'm not around 11 year olds too often.
do 11 year olds say douche bag?

*

before jimmy left last night i gave him a hug, then i put my ear up to his ear and said, "i'm listening to what you're thinking."
he immediately started a homer simpson-esque inner monologue of "boobies...boobies...boobies...boobies."

i, of course, laughed.

*

"which one of you buckfutting turdholes skipped me?! i'll cut your head off with this blue 2! i'll do it! what?! yeah. go ahead and play that green reverse. it'll be the last thing you do before i shove those doritos into your eye holes. STOP! CRYING! little bitch."
hee. i'm really not that bad with kids.
it's the uno that brings it out in me.

does anyone need a babysitter? i'm looking to make some extra money. i'll watch the little pukes precious darlings for ya.

2.16.06
my friends and i don't really text each other a lot. however, i had several text messages on my phone that i had not deleted and some go back to last september. yikes. here's some of the text messages i deleted off my phone today:
Poopy head
-my brother

Frozen pop tarts really are quite badass!
-my brother

where's MY mule?
-my brother

we saw lola!
-laura

12345 678910 11 12
-fellykish

Back to the dursleys!
-laura

you're a bitch! are u with your parents?
- fellykish

colon blow?
-laura

tree top breaker
-my brother

So it is written, so let it be done.
-chris

i will stop by on my way home from work. whoreface.
-fellykish

it's a random bag o' fun, it is!

2.15.06
i cut the grass today. my lawn looks pretty good except for the paths that the dogs have carved into the lawn. no grass grows there, but since it's mostly just the perimeter of the lawn it's not too big of a deal.
but oh man, those dogs can poop. i've got to shovel the piles; i just don't know where to put them. lola's yard? the Dump House next door?
if i shovel all the dog poop into the wheelbarrow and dump (hee) it at the Dump House, i'll HAVE to take a pic of a poop filled wheelbarrow.
or is that sick?

like i have to ask.

i think i'm giving up on satellite radio. it seems like too much trouble. if i just wanted it in my car or at the house it wouldn't be too bad. but since i want to use it at work, this poses a problem. as a house painter, i'm in a different house all the time. and the portable XM2GO whatevers all seem to work really great! outdoors.
indoors? not so good.
= i'd be screwed if i bought one of those.
so then i thought about getting one of the boomboxes. 'cos hey, it's portable, but i can put it in a window so the ant. can "see" the sat., right?
right!
but.
apparently the Delphi SKYFi (and SKYFi2) are cool if you want it in the car, but their boomboxes are pieces of absolute shit. there's an actual design flaw where the FM modulator (?) kind of feedbacks or something with the volume on the boombox, which apparently you cannot control. (who in the what now?)
i don't know. from what i've read it makes a whinning sound and it pops and hisses or something. and, it's especially noticeable, they say, while listening to talk radio. and, since i wanted sat.rad. for to listen to the baseballs?
= screw you, jaimie.
i mean, here i was, willing to PAY HUMAN MONEY for RADIO, as well as face the shame and humiliation that my dad would pile on me for PAYING FOR RADIO, and because Delhpi can't get it's shit together i am denied.
oh well.

just think of the money i'll save.

2.14.06
happy balentime's day.

i found two post-it notes on the floor of the elevator at work today. they are so awesome. i thought of OT and how much she would've loved to find two awesome post-its like these. (wow. i just made it sound like OT is dead. and retarded.) (she is neither of these.) (but i am cracking myself up now thinking about OT being a dead retard. not in a bad way (hee) but in a, "oh, the poor thing would've LOVED these crazy pieces of trash i found on the elevator. i miss her. she gave the best hugs.")*
they were the small yellow squares that are so very popular.
they have lists scrawled on them in black ink. very bad handwriting, the kind that an old person might have because they can't see so well anymore.
one is a grocery list and one is a "to do" list.
list 1:
Salmon
Talapia
Biscuit
milk
Bread
fruit
Cabbage
Top an Crackers
Cisco Oil
Pam
Dish Spoons

it was interesting to me that they did not capitalize milk and fruit. and apparently, they didn't get bread. also, what is a dish spoon? i've never heard of this. i live under a rock.

list 2:
Call Rita
Found Gift Catifiet
To Red Lobster

Avena Lotion on
My Nose

Senoir Citizens
Breakfast

Pan Cake day?

does that not rule? AVENA LOTION ON MY NOSE.
do it. do it today. buy a mountian.

* i'm going to hell.

2.13.06
earlier this afternoon i get a phone call from Mr. Fleegan:
me: hello?
him: hey, what are you doing?
me: i'm driving home, you?
him: i just pooped at your house.
me: did it flush?
him: i hope so.
me: only reason i ask is 'cos i pooped this morning and stopped up the toilet. i had to plunge.
him: bragger.

i love him so much.

these plungers are 'space age', like Tang.


2.12.06
wow, it's been 4 days? sorry. i've lost all track of time. it's sudoku. it's stealing my soul. and my blog time. obviously. my best time now is 3 minutes and 27 seconds. TATDOW! or as i say now, TATOKU!
not to be confused with yoko!jackamoko!toto! which is what i yell when i'm driving behind a bad driver.

anyway, i had this dream a couple of weeks ago and i've been meaning to share it with you guys because it is so bizarre.
it is a sex dream, of course. well, not really. i mean, we were both naked but not doing it.
so, i'm in the bedroom with my boyfriend, Thor.
yes. THE thor. the hammer god or whatev from Norse myth.
yeah.
i know.
i know.
so anyway we're getting ready for bed, and i say something like, "hey Thor, what are you doing tomorrow?" or something like that. and he says, "Bruce."
"what?"
"i told you to call me Bruce."
"honey, you're Thor."
"yeah, but i want to be called Bruce. call me Bruce."
"what? no! everyone knows you're Thor. i'm not calling you Bruce."
"why do you do this? everytime i ask you to call me Bruce we have the same arguement!"
"because! it's ridiculous! your name? isn't Bruce! it's THOR!"
"but i-"
"you have The Hammer for pete's sake! how are you going to explain that to people you introduce yourself to as "Bruce"?"
"that's none of their-"
"you know what? i'm not sleeping with half a fag anymore."

it ends up with me getting kicked out of Valhalla. which, i have no idea how i got there in the first place seeing as how i didn't die in battle.

i had a dream the other night where i was fighting with a lion and the lion pulled out a blow gun and shot me with a dart and he said, "ha! i've just injected you with heroine."
and then i was all high and feeling euphoric, but i knew he was about to kill me and i was all, "crap, i know he's going to kill me, but i just can't seem to care...or move. this is awesome." and the lion, he was really skinny and sick looking and was also on two legs, he says, "ha! you're so weak. how does it feel?" and i felt awesome, but i knew i should be mad because he cheated and i said, "that's dirty pool!" and giggled.
then he killed me.

2.08.06
Jury Monkey is now back to being Paint Monkey. i'm a bit disappointed that i didn't get to do anything on jury duty. people told me to bring a book and i did, but i didn't read it because it was pretty loud in the room. so i mostly sat by myself and worked on a stack of sudoku puzzles.
the people around me thought i was some kind of genius.
"what's that?"
"oh, it's a puzzle, and-"
"is it math?"
"um, no. not like-"
"is it a crossword puzzle but with math?"
"no it's just numbers...i mean, really, you could make these puzzles with letters or shapes or colors or anything as long as there are 9 different shapes or whatever."
"oh."

"is she doing math?"
"i think so."
sigh.

and to the crazy, religious, gigantic, black man who sat behind me:
WHAT?!
also, not only was i sick of hearing the word Jesus by the end of the day, but Jesus was sick of you talking about him. well, not really, but he did wish you had made more sense. and, while i have your attention (because you talked non-fucking-stop the whole time) what is your deal with the telescope? do you really believe that "they" are building a telescope that can see into heaven? like, heaven heaven?
what.

to people who talk to obviously crazy people every day:
stop making stuff up. they believe you and it just perpetuates the crazy. look, i feel you. i do. i want to tell Crazy Margaret things all the time. but i don't. i control the urge to lie to the crazy person. if i can do it, you can do it.

2.07.06
i had the date wrong all day yesterday. idiot.

laura is a goon. what is all this 4 business?

four jobs i've had/have:
- wendy's. for 5 days.
- scrivner. hee. i worked for a group of lawyers. i made copies.
no really, that's all i did was make copies. i did this for two years.
- sign maker
- house painter (currently)

four movies i can watch over and over:
The Godfather
The Godfather II
The Godfather III
Goodfellas
hee. was that cheating? okay.
The Godfather Tril.
Goodfellas
Valley of the Dolls DON'T JUDGE ME. i don't know. i wish it weren't so.
NEEEELY! O HARAAAA!
Blazing Saddles

four places i have lived:
like laura, i've only lived here. so streets it is.
nottingham road RBC
broad skreet
newton skreet
the infamous s. 11th skreet complete with a cast of mutants.

four TV shows i love:
love? that's a strong word, but...
Family Guy
Fullmetal Alchemist
Boondocks
Aqua Teen Hunger Force
am i ashamed that my favorite shows are all cartoons? yes. yes i am. so let's not forget my Bitches Who Cook trifecta.

four places i've vacationed:
florida
delaware
tennessee
texas

four of my favorite dishes:
Florrie's Chicken Corn Chowder
Mom's Lasagna. or as we call it, The Sagna.
anything Chris makes.
other food, such as, but not limited to, cheese.

four sites i visit daily:
some days i don't turn on my computer. but when i do...
laura (unless it's the weekend.)
the forum
sudoku! (aw come on! just one more game?!)
damn hell ass kings

four places i'd rather be:
bowling with friends!
reading in bed! or in a chair! or something!
playing with my dogs!
italy.

people i am tagging
go tag yourself, bitches.

2.06.06
just where the hell have i been anyway?

wow, just now, there was a crazy sound...and i think my heat pump is about to bite it. i think the only thing that's keeping it working right now is God, Jesus, AND the Holy Spirit. Holy Trinity Heat Pump. and when it finally stops working? that? will suck greatly seeing as how it finally decided to go all winter this week.
i know i should've replaced replace the damn thing in the summertime. it's lasted way longer than it should, but dang, that = lotsa money. and i was planning on using my tax refund on eye glasses.
looks like i'll be squinting for another year.
ain't no thang.

in other news:
fiddy.
i know! i finished another one. yay!

meanwhile, in the Halls of Justice:
i have jury duty this week.

something else i want you to know:
i couldn't get the dreamweaver program to work and i have been updating this stupid site using plain ol' html. i want points for that. why? because i'm a lazy slob, and i can't html my way out of a wet paper sack. so the fact that anything works on this thing right now? points. i want points. 'salls i'm sayin'.

2.02.06
Ground Hog Day
ground hog? or groundhog?
either way, if we don't get some winter all up in this piece mother nature is going to really kill us this summer. 'salls i'm sayin'.
i have cramps.
i don't feel like sitting in this chair.
i'm going to go read.
poop.

2.01.06
mr. fleegan, the woodlaysons, and i went to visit ivy this evening. the poor wittle fweegan has pneumonia. she's doing well, but it's so so so so so sad to see her (so tiny!) on that bed with the I.V. and the machines. and she's all quiet and you can tell she feels miserable and you just want to make her all better. poor wittle thing.
so please put your prayer hats on for ivy.

in less important news:
i had a terrible hangover today. i was so irritable and gross all day. i still worked all day, but i don't think i opened my eyes until after lunch. oh hell, i think i was supposed to call laura back. no wait, maybe i did. no. wait.
i can't remember.

to anyone i came in contact with today:

i'm sorry i was such an ass. also, if i tried to pick a fight with you, my bad, i'm glad you didn't punch me in the throat. oh, and i'm sorry that i was mostly worthless at work today, i had a bad case of the Screaming Shits.
and if i didn't call you back, sorry.

love,
jaimie

so what, i had a hangover. you wanna fight about it?

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