drib_0207

"well jaimie, what would you do if you gave your sister money cos she was down with surgery and then now she won't give you nothing?"
"margaret, i told you to stop giving money to your sister."
"well what would you do?"
"i'd tell her to kiss my ass!"
she gave me a real dirty look at that.

"and now their "king jesus" is out of jail and they think he's gonna save 'em but he'll be back. he ain't no good."
i'm not sure who she's talking about. i don't think she's talking about the Bible Jesus. but, you never know with crazy.

"i don't see what's wrong with gettin' food stamps. ain't no differnt than my check. some call it a crazy check but it ain't. i'll sue you for callin it a crazy check. i ain't crazy i seen two psychiatrists back in nineteen and nighty-eight. they said i was just fine."

"i got an attempted murder out on me. ever time i leave my house i know he's waitin' on me. it's a police man and he rides a bicycle. i came home early one day and there he was in front of my house gettin off his bike and when he seen me comin' you never saw such surprise on a man's face before."

"they come over and ask me for money and then they tie into me and give me all their demons and then i puke all night. i puke up all their demons and they don't care they don't give me nothin'."

"thanks for the coke, jaimie."
"you're welcome."
"i'll bring you one this week."
"keep your cokes, margaret."
"naw, you come home one day and there'll be some cokes and you don't say nothin about where they come from you just say thank you."

since last we've blogged together i've had many great adventures. and by "adventures" i mean pushing books, paint, and low income housing for the elderly. my jeep wouldn't start on sunday. the red one. the chosen one. got a new battery for it, but it kinda pisses me off cos the old battery was only 2 years old. why is it i get 2 years out of a 3 year battery?
i know why.

because popsicle talked me into buying the cheap battery. i was all, "i want the GOLD battery; look how cool the sticker is!" and he was all, "don't be a sucker, jaimie."

yes. don't be a sucker. jaimie. so the battery we got that time was a generic battery practically just a black box with the word BATTERY painted on it in white. it was probably the last $30 car battery ever sold.

this time popsicle, in a rare moment of splurge, picked out the SILVER battery. so let's see how long this one lasts.

book title of the day: Over His Dead Body
doesn't that crack you up? no? well how about this kid's book title: Time Warp Trio: You Can't, But Genghis Khan

i'm washing my sneakers because they stink and i can't really afford new ones right now. i hope they don't fall apart in the wash. they were bad though, it was getting to the point where febreeze wasn't helping.

it's that time of the year again. Lent. such a heavy word. sure it's just 4 letters but when you say it it's all, uhhhhhhhhg. lent. i thought about busting my tradition and giving up something different but i only came up with lame things like,
work
music
reading shitty books
taking the cat to the vet

and most of those things are necessary so...there you go. so once again i'll be giving up the sugar for lent. so no fun snack cakes, chocolate awesomeness, or ice cream for me. meh, it's boring but i've decided that if someone asks me if i've given up anything for lent that instead of sugar i've given up anal sex. how cool would that be if i could say that with a straight face? especially if dad asks.
dude.
that would rule.

last night (2.13.07) on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno he did the usual tuesday night headlines bit and guess what?

and the REALLY funny part is we don't know who sent it in.
i bought the clip from iTunes and i'd post it here if i knew how to make it so's everyone could watch it. but i don't. feh.

was your little bro and sis-in-law on the jay leno show last night? hmm? what? no? too bad cos mine was.
that's how they roll. so you better recognize.

yesterday's book title of the day: Have Your Cake and Kill Him Too by Nancy Martin (which is made even more hilarious as i know a nancy martin.

anyway, i'm collecting these book titles for you guys, and i told the other library workers how these titles just kill me. so now they're keeping their eyes out for dumb/punny titles. all for you, damien, all for you.

this week is too busy for words. my boss at the HCH had some knee surgery done. she's doing fine from what i hear, but she can't come to work yet. so on my library days i've been working at the HCH for a couple of hours in the morning and then doing my 8 hr shift at the 'brary. it's kind of killing me, but it's keeping me busy and out of trouble. and by "out of trouble" i mean, "not knitting or reading or watching many cartoons" but what can ya do?

i wasn't going to bowl this evening because i slept on my shoulder wrong and i can hardly hold my arm out straight PLUS i hadn't been home since 7am and i have to go straight to bowling form work and then we never get home before 9:30pm and yes, i'm a whiney whinehole. still, i just wanted to go home. but mr. fleegan said his sister and her fam were going bowling and since i never see the kids and i'm always having to work during the kid's sporting events, i'd be a complete asshole for skipping out on bowling.

but then i was excited because we had bad weather on the way and right now i'm sure Tuscaloosa has had at least three tornadoes because it always gets no less than three tornadoes during bad weather of any kind. so i figured with bad weather on the way i'd get out of bowling cos it would be cancelled and then i wouldn't look like an asshole for not bowling.

and so we bowled. and now i'm totally worn out. the kids were fun to watch. at one point little caleb (5 yrs old) knocked down two pins and he turned and started skipping away all excitedly and shouting, "aw yeah! bring it! bring it! bring it!"
how can than not brighten your day?

i finally got the cat back. she's not hurling anymore. no blockage. no surgery. she's just as pissy as ever! yay!
although she still has a problem with her blood. boo.
but she's home! yay!
but we still have to figure out a medicine for her. boo.
but...but...

about once a day at the library someone checks out or returns a book with a hilarious title. it's usually punny (like Needled to Death and Knit One, Kill Two) or just weird and i've been meaning to write them down so's i could share with you. on saturday i got three. three!
A Hole in Juan
Tongue in Chic
and my favorite, Guess Who's Coming to Die

i wonder what Tongue in Chic is about? the other two are obviously murder mysteries. oh, here's the synopsis:

Book Description
NEW FROM THE NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLING AUTHOR OF TROUBLE IN HIGH HEELS!

Devlin Fitzwilliam caught Meadow Szarvas red-handed, breaking into his mansion to steal a painting. In sheer desperation, she used a case of amnesia as her excuse. But then he pulled a fast one-and claimed she was his wife. Playing along was the only way for Meadow to get her hands on that painting. But what she doesn't realize is that Devlin has a hidden agenda too-and that someone's keeping an eye on them both.

devlin? meadow? szarvas? plot?

2.06.07
they're supposed to x-ray Toonces to see if she has some kind of intestinal blockage. if that's the case then i think surgery is the next step.
the burning question is: how much money am i going to spend on this cat?

cookie and i stayed up late last night laughing at the world and making fun of you. it was awesome. the next episode of the Cookie and Jaime Show can be seen this wednesday night at 6pm at the Trinity Lutheran Church Knitting Class/Group.
be there, or be made fun of.

once a month at the library they send out notices to the people who are late with their books by a month or two... or ten. the third letter is the one where we include a city ordinance saying that you have city property and the police can arrest you for stealing from the city. the next few days after the letters are sent we collect a lot of fines. the people are usually very contrite or royally pissed.

the other day a lady came in terrified that the police were going to arrest her.
"can they really arrest me?" she asked in a whisper. i put on my serious face and said, "Uh. Sure."
"oh, God."
"but see, you brought the books back so now you don't have city property in your possession. so there you go."
"yeah, but i can't afford the fine today." she did have a large fine, but only because she had some videos out and they are a dollar per day late. they top out at a certain amount though, as we aren't really greedy bastards, we know you could buy most of those videos online for $10. so it's not like your late fee for a barney video is going to be $30.
"can you pay part of the fine?"
"no, i don't have any money on me."
sure you don't.
"well, okay, but you can't use the computers or check out any books until the fine is paid off."
"okay. but...can the police still come and arrest me?"
whoa, she is definetly hiding meth at her house or something.
"i...i've never heard of ANYONE getting arrested over a library fine, but you never know."

then you have the self-righteous a-holes who come in fuming that their precious children got a notice in the mail.
"HOW DARE YOU SCARE LITTLE JOHNNY LIKE THAT! THREATENING TO ARREST A 6 YEAR OLD! HE WAS TERRIFIED!" cos the letters are sent to the name on the card, so if a little kid has a card and he keeps The Hardy Boys and the Mystery of the Lost Library Book for 4 months...he's getting a notice. but it's NOT like he hasn't gotten two previous notices that didn't have the threat of police, right?

collecting fines is nice in that it makes a bit of money for the library, but if you think it's enough to run the place, you're crazy. the fines for books, audio, and video do have a limit...like i said, the library isn't greedy. the library just wants it's books back. so even if you have a book that belongs to the library that's years old...and you're terrified that the police have a warrant for your arrest, just bring the damn book back (drop it off in the depository if you don't want to face the Late Fee of Shame) so the 'brary can get it back on the shelves. that's all they really want.

we were talking about how the fiction section is getting kind of full and that sometimes there's no room to put books where they belong unless you shift 4 other shelves worth of books. so the librarian is going through a list of all the fiction books to see what can go (if they haven't been checked out in the last three years i think they go to the booksale) and we were talking about if for some reason everyone who had library books out returned them all on the same day there'd be no way we could hold them all.
what an awesome problem to have... too many books.

the cookbook section is also stuffed. i suggested we make a new rule that if you check out a book you must also check out a cookbook.
"oh, i see you're reading the Dark Tower series."
"yeah, it's great!"
"i read the first two but it was way too confusing for me. is it in the past? is it in the present? how is a cowboy at a medieval castle? it really lost me when the lobster chopped off Roland's hand. i couldn't take it after that."
"you just gotta keep reading. it gets so good."
"that's what i've heard. here's your cookbook."
"but i didn't-"
"have a nice day."
"aw man, Rachel Ray?"
"next."

2.04.07
the cat is still at the vet's. i think i'm becoming slightly depressed about it. i miss the old whore. i was so bummed about it yesterday that i just sat around the house and watched tv. i watched three movies. me! three! i watched The Towering Inferno, Hudson Hawk, and The Breakfast Club with a few eps of Dirty Jobs with Mike Rowe and Mythbusters thrown in.

i've seen Hudson Hawk several times, and i think that that movie was ahead of it's time. it's a funny flick. i like it.

The Towering Inferno is a great movie if for no other reason than you get to see Paul Newman and/or Steve McQueen in every scene. what hotness! and i'm not talking about the building on fire. but then at the end, the old lady who fell in love with old Fred Astaire's character dies and all he's left with to remind him of her is her cat. which looks just like Toonces and so i was all bummed out by that.

now don't freak out or anything, but i had never seen The Breakfast Club before.
what the hell did i just say? i said don't freak out.
i know.
i know.
ANYway, it was actually better than i thought it would be. still it's kind of a downer movie so it did not help my, "woe is me, my poor cat is sick, will i ever see her again?" thoughts. i was shocked at the amount of cursing in it. not at the words, but that they used 'em so much.
the only part i actually laughed at was at the end when the weird girl kisses emilio (EMILIO! what is that from? i hear will ferrell screaming it.) and then she steals a patch off his school jacket. that was funny. but the rest of it wasn't that funny.

it's kind of like Say Anything, because everyone loves those two movies and i'm all, "yeah, they're not bad movies but i'm glad i don't have to see them again."

but i admit that i have poor taste in moves. and that the ones i can watch over and over again are dumb, campy, and mostly crap. take for instance Major League. i can watch that shit once a month. i don't know why. i have crappy taste. so if i hate a movie that you love with all your heart, i'm sorry... kelly.

i drew the line at Planet of the Apes. i was all, "hey what's this movie...charleton heston is an astronaut...oh, i bet this is one of the monkey movies. oh, their ship has crashed in a desserted area...yeah, gotta be monkeys in this. no thanks." at first when i saw the extremely dated outfits and water and a ship of some kind i was hoping it was that killer whale movie with richard harris and bo derrek. but no, it was apes.