| May 2005 Dribblings | |
May 31, 2005 so at lunch time i go pick up dad at the Holy House. he needs to run by the locksmith's place before we eat lunch so we drive over to 3rd skreet. when we get there we're the only one's there, but when we left there were several people in line. anyway, we're waiting on a lock to be changed, i guess one of the oldsters lost his mailbox key. so we're waiting and this old lady walks in. i don't know if it's from working at the holy house or not, but dad and i both smiled and said hello to the old lady. it's habit. so she starts in telling
us about she needs two keys made because when the man
came out to her house he didn't have the right cutting
machine and he said that if she brought in these two
blanks he'd make them for her for free. so if we could
please make her those keys she'd be on her way. so now there's three of
us waiting. and this place is filled with crap. crap is
everywhere. papers, keys, safes, papers, signs, papers,
folders, stuff, three opened Bibles, papers. so she sets
her purse down and was all, "what what is this under
my purse? oh! why, it's someone's Bible!" so there's this pause
for a second and the air changes and i'm thinking, uh
oh, God's here. dad nods his head that way in which we nod our heads at the elderly and the very young. "and then they'll read, "And in their prayers for you their hearts will go out to you, because of the surpassing grace God has given you."" dad nods some more. i'm
about to pass out. but i'm also thanking God for taking
time out to do...whatever this is...and also thanking him
for FINALLY letting me have a witness to the CRAZY things
that happen to me. but before i get too deep into
thinking, "am i supposed to be more generous?"
the telephone rings, and it's for dad. I REPEAT. WE ARE
AT THE LOCKSMITH'S. AND THE LOCKSMITH'S PHONE RINGS. AND
IT'S. FOR. DAD. she turns to me and says, "someone will read about how God loves a cheerful giver. and God is able to make all grace abound to you...so that in all things at all times, having all you need, you will abound in every good work." "sowing generously, huh?" i say. for lack of ANYTHING coherent in my mind at this point. and it was also at this point that the moment was over. instantly. "and i like to dig.
i gotta dig. i grew up on a farm, you know." as we left the place i
said to dad, "man, we just can't get away from
elderly people. they seek us out somehow." reefer log: May 30, 2005 i saw Kingdom of Heaven today. it was okay. i enjoyed it a lot, but i realize that it wasn't that good of a movie. it was basically Ridley Scott's antiwar movie. which, i can appreciate. jimmy did not like it. what i didn't like about it was that orlando bloom's character didn't make any sense. he goes to jerusalem to get forgiveness for...his wife killing herself, and then he kills a priest. so he goes to jerusalem with his new dad (liam neeson) and then he...becomes a knight. and then he sleeps with the queen person. and then when he has the chance to kill the queen's husband (a bad man) he won't do it 'cos...it's wrong? even though he knows that the king dude wants to have a war in jerusalem and orlando's character wants to not have war so that the people don't have to die. but? it's wrong to kill
the guy (king man) who is trying to kill you? because
it's... wrong? and you want to be the perfect knight?
well, okay but. i might believe you more if you HADN'T
committed ADULTERY by sleeping with the queen lady
already. i mean, i'm willing to forget about the murder
of the asshole priest because that was done in france
before you became a knight. but you slept with her
afterwards, and you were in jerusalem so...sorry dude. no
perfection. so you should've been a pal and killed that
guy and saved everyone from dying. oh! jimmy! edward norton was the leper dude! May 29, 2005
part II dan, i told mom and dad about that and man, did they laugh. dad lost it. apparently dan has run into Crazy Margaret on some of his Amazing Gas Company Adventures. so he knew all about her Craziness. *** Crazy Margaret came by
this afternoon (before dan came over) and she was talking
about i don't know what and she tried to come in my
house. that's right, she breeched the fence. shit! so now i'm locking the
fence at all times. if you decide to come and visit me
either call first or ring the goofy farm bell in the
driveway. May 29, 2005 i just discovered internet radio. 'cos i get some kind of free thing with comcast. so after trying out some christian channel (i know. it was really good though.) and some kind of other station that made no impression on me whatsoever...i found a BROADWAY STAAAAATION! what is it about hearing Carol Channing scratch a song out of the back of her throat that makes me smile? and then next! they played a Judy Garland song! and it WASN'T over the rainbow! which, i love, because i'm a gay man, but it's always a special treat to hear something, anything by the Jude. Dear Broadway Radio Internet Station on Rhapsody Radio, i love it. (omg! you're
playing impossible dream! marry me?) you make me
smile. Love, reefer log: May 28, 2005 but. where's the fun in that? so Crazy Margaret is out
there ringing the bell. so i thought, oh hell. just
go see what she wants and then tell her to go away. ANYway. Crazy Lola is
not only crazy, but i'm pretty sure she has
alzheimer's. which is sad. meanwhile Crazy Maragaret followed me on her Crazy Bike (on the outside of the fence, mind you.) and she said, "hey i want to tell you about Lola, okay? she's crazy. don't trust her. 'cos she lies and then she accuses you of stealin'. she'll ask you to help her find her keys and then next day she'll have the police on you for robbing her. so don't ever help her." "okay." "and don't go in her house either. it smells bad 'cos she just shits everywhere. she doesn't clean herself. and she'll accuse you of stealin'. but don't be mean to her. don't make her hate you. 'cos she'll send spiders over here." "..." "i ain't kiddin'. she talks to spiders. she can control them." "..." "and i think she can talk to snakes 'cos i was over at her house and there was a snake in the fireplace. and then later that day the snake came and bit beth's dog." "okay, i'll keep that in mind." "she'll tell the spiders to come and bite you. i guess she used to be a witch. that's what people say. they say that 'cos they think she was a lesbian too. because of her tongue always out and all." then she stuck her tongue out and licked the air. i'm absolutely serious. see, Crazy Lola has (or had) one of those nervous tic type things where her tongue is/was always out of her mouth and moving around. i know, it's not bad enough that she's Crazy, but she's got The Tongue AND alzheimer's. yay! "but she don't do the tongue thing around me no more 'cos i rebuked her in the name of jesus' blood and now she don't do that. but i guess she used to be a witch or practice witchcraft." "okay. well, thanks for the warning. have a good one." and i walked into the relative safety of my own house and locked the door. Lord, have mercy. *** CRAZY LOLA: FORMER
LESBIAN WITCH. *** one thing i should mention. Crazy Lola gets one check a month just like Crazy Margaret, however, i think it's a retirement check from Goodyear. plus she's got a car. i think Crazy Margaret is jealous of Crazy Lola's near lucidity and wheels. reefer log: May 27 May 25, 2005 she talks. a lot. what about, you ask? honestly, it's hard to describe. it's amazing, infuriating, and uncomfortable all at the same time. she started crying at one point. then she switched over to how god talks to her and tells her where to ride her bike. at night. in the 'hood. look, i'm not going to lie to you, i live in the 'hood. i wouldn't walk around my block at night if i had a gun in my pocket, a mean dog on a leash, and jimmy. and god is telling her to go out at night on her bike? god is trying to kill her. it's obvious that she
hears voices that, thank God, we don't hear. and it's
also obvious that this lady is going to be a problem. i'm
thinking i don't have the patience to deal with her. i'm
also thinking that i need some kind of recording device
so's all of you can enjoy the crazy. reefer log: May 24, 2005 at the Holy House
yesterday (i went to pick up dad for lunch) i got out of
the jeep and right away this lady grabs my arm and says,
"i need you to come with me. i have to move a
mattress." *** i mowed the lawn! is
there anything more satisfactory than standing back and
looking at your lawn, the one you just
mowed? what? *** we got kellyfish moved in to the dreamplex 1.0. i'm glad she's living there 'cos she's closer now, and that means i'll get to see her more often. especially since i still have a key to that side of the 'plex. hee. May 21, 2005 moving went well. i ate some bad chicken salad today. i am now paying for it. May 19, 2005 *** would you like to know
something that bothers me TO NO END?! of course, i'm looking at the credits on the Greatest Hits Cd and not the Am I Not Your Girl CD, maybe she gave her credit on the original. still, it bugs me. she admits it here though...so she's not a douchebag like jose canseco. wanna know something
else that's kinda douchey? iTunes only has one sinead
song. whafuh? reefer log: May 18, 2005 point is, some boxes were moved. later this evening laura came over and packed 6 boxes. 6! boxes! while i packed up my ninetendo and ps2 and a ton of paint. Dear Jaimie, You are not allowed to buy more acrylic paint until you use up the colors you already have. Love, Dear Jaimie, But what about oil paint? Sincerely, Dear Jaimie, You don't need any more oils either. Hugs & Kisses, Dear Jaimie, But you know what? I do need a phthalo blue kind of color, something brighter than just ultramarine. I really, really need it. Please? Please, PS. Please? Dear Jaimie, Fine. Whatever. You're going to go buy it no matter what I say anyway. Why do I even bother? Love, *** here's something awesome
that happened today. while eating lunch at momndad's
house the phone rang and it was for...me? it was some
saleslady at Credit Card Company and she was wanting me
to buy some kind of insurance for my credit card in case
of id theft. well, i told her i wasn't interested and was
going to hang up but she kept at it and i said that i
really, really don't want that service, and she was all,
"buh..." and i was all, "hey wait. you
work for Credit Card Company?" my phone calls have been interesting lately, huh? and i'm very pleased with my new phone personality too. i'm all attitude and ruthless efficiency. take that, Credit Card Company! reefer log: heh. Kilz Paint Revue. comes on after the Big Joe Polka Show. eeeep! May 17, 2005 my two best buddies in
the whole world tried to JINX ME! so then i get to my job
and my cell phone rings and i'm expecting a call from the
bank and so i answer it all, "hello?" 5 minutes later the phone rings. i'm rooting for the bank. it's the brother again. canyoubelievethisshit? do you know what horrible things ran through my mind. what horrible racist words were on the tip of my hateful tongue? "hello?!" i am mean and hateful. but c'mon. this shit only happens to me. this NEVER happens to laura or liz. you dirty jinxers! they jinxed me by blogging about my new house before the deal was done. see?! SEE?! and yes, i did buy a house today. but i don't want to talk about it right now. in fact, i feel sick about it. that's pretty normal though, right? the Post-House-Purchase Blues. the Holy-Shit-How-Am-I-Going-To-Actually-Pay-For-This Doom. the My-God-A-Real-Live-Bank-Lended-Me-Money?!-Are-They-Crazy?! Woe. ugh, just...i'm going to deal with this tomorrow. no, i'm going to wait till next monday to deal with it. that's what mondays are for. reefer log: May 16, 2005 *** a tip from the Paint Monkey: Benjamin Moore paint is overrated. it's expensive and always takes two coats to cover. ALWAYS. trust me. i use it all the time. it's a status thing. people use bm paint 'cos of the name. they think it's better paint. <whisper> but it's not.</whisper> i used some
Dutch Boy primer once. other
things i've learned while being a Paint Monkey: 2. using the blue or green masking tape is for suckers. although i have used it once or twice. 3. do you
want your cabinets painted? 4. if your
ceiling has turned off-white, it does not need painting. 5. YOU CAN MOST CERTAINLY PAINT OVER WALLPAPER. YES. YOU. CAN. LISTEN TO ME, YOU IDIOT. if the wallpaper is not falling off the walls then yes, kilz it and paint it. you can't tell, and it looks hella better than tearing it off and having to paint over messed up drywall. YES YOU CAN. 6. there is no number 6. 7. if i have to tear down wallpaper i'm charging you triple JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE AN ASS FOR NOT BELIEVING ME. THE LABOR HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT. okay, it has a small part to do with it. but mostly it's for acting like i don't know what i'm talking about. 8. if you have to paint latex over something that has previously been painted with oil based paint, then you NEED to sand the surface (nothing major, just take the shine off. you don't have to use a sander or anything.) and THEN wipe it down with a liquid deglosser or acetone. trust me, it's better this way. plus, you get to breathe the fumes from the deglosser. 9. it's called a drop-cloth. you should use one. 10. using flat wall paint for interior walls is NOT a sin. you probably shouldn't use it in a bathroom or kitchen (use a semi-gloss, or at least an eggshell.). flat paint covers WAY BETTER than something with a shine, and the shine shows EVERY FLAW your wall has. once you go flat you'll never...eh, anyway, all i'm sayin' is flat paint isn't a bad thing. reefer log: May 15, 2005 reefer log: May 10, 2005 and the song is that screetchy melanie singer from the '60s/'70s, and it goes, "I'VE got a BRAND new PAIR of ROLLER skates and YOU'VE got a BRAND new KEY!" which then got us on the topic of the roller skates we all had as kids. i had a pretty sad pair. they weren't the awesome boot skates with the rubber wheels and clicky ballbearings. nay. my skates? were the kind like in the doofy melanie song. with the key? did you have those kind too? i mean, yes, if you were a kid during the '60s and '70s then yes, you had those, but you guys in the '80s? did you have those? or did your parents love you and buy you REAL skates with ballbearing clicky wheels of smoothdom?
my skates were red plastic and scuffed to hell because they were bought second hand. they had frayed laces and you slipped them on over your shoes. they adjusted with a half inch wrench dad kept in the red craftsman toolbox that has forever been in my parent's laundry room. and the wheels? while thankfully, they were not metal, they were made of the hardest plastic that NASA had invented at that time, meaning, if you hit a pebble, it was all over.
anyone
crying yet? incidentally, you can't get the melanie version of Brand New Key on iTunes but you can get the cover by rasputina which, no thank you. i don't hate rasputina, i just, no. not Brand New Key for crying outs. reefer
skate: May 09, 2005 i've been playing Super Mario Bros. 2 on my gamecube. i'm on world 3-3. i'm having probs with hanging on to the key and dying right as i get to the door. i hate crap like that. i should be working on my gear sculptures but no, i'm playing mario. slob. DO SOMETHING CONSTRUCTIVE! STOP WASTING TIME ON THIS CRAP! *** while talking to
liznchris this evening i mentioned something about that
line from Boys n the Hood. (which, PS, i called
Boys From the 'Hood. yes, i'm just that white.)
but i couldn't remember the quote exactly so i called my
brother because he says it best anyway. he didn't answer
his phone, so bummer, right? but then he called back 2
minutes later and was all, "hey! what's going
on?" what do you
suppose the N stands for? and? i guess? but shouldn't the
n have the thingies on it? 'n'? it's Rock 'n' Roll.
innit? boys 'n' the hood. and don't try to be all polite and, "oh, jaimie, you don't really live in the 'hood." because have you seen the monstrosity that is the Chevelle that's been across the street? not only is it two-tone (body maroon-gold iridescent, hood and trunk gold-maroon iridescent, and yes, there is a difference.), but it's got 22 inch rims. it looks like a joke. the wheels are just too big. it's up too high. like, you could drive a car under that car. it's ridiculous. it's not blinged it's blonged. i saw it yesterday, well, i heard it first. it needs a new engine, but they obviously thought to do the body work first. oh heck, why should i care, right? let the neighbors have their loud broken cars. i've lost my steam. but if the car is out there tomorrow i will take a picture of it, because it's not smooth at all, but in fact, awkward. it looks like it's on it's tip-toes. reefer log
n the hood: May 08, 2005 as soon as i finish it you'll get a scathing review in the 50 books section as well as a Weekly. yes, it's JUST. THAT. BAD. *** we watched the first part of the ELVIS movie on CBS. dude, what is with his relationship with his mom? it's like, eeeeauh. it reminded me of the mary magdalene/jesus relationship in Jesus Christ Superstar. eeeeeauh. May 07, 2005 *** in other news, the cat just puked again. this time, it was a mouse. Dear Toonces, You have lost ALL OUTSIDE PRIVILEDGES. Hate, i cannot win! God? is
this preparation for when i have kids or something? like,
if i can handle a cat puking every other day i can handle
kid poop and vomit? huh? because let me be honest, I
CAN'T HANDLE CAT PUKE EVERY OTHER DAY. THEN she comes in and eats a bowl of cat food and promptly pukes everything up in two GIANT PILES. ON! MY! CARPET! i know what you're thinking. you're thinking i'm a horrible cat owner. that i'm so mean for not feeling bad that the cat is sick. well, I DON'T FEEL BAD. BECAUSE SHE DID IT TO HERSELF. SHE ATE A WHOLE MOUSE. IT'S NOT LIKE I DON'T FEED HER! SHE IS OLD. SHE KNOWS BETTER THAN TO EAT MICE WHOLE. YOU WOULDN'T FEEL BAD FOR ME IF I DID IT! YOU'D BE ALL, "GAAD, WHY THE HELL DID YOU EAT A MOUSE? IDIOT." TOONCES, I AM GOING TO KILL YOU. *** other things i am hating
right now: reefer log: May 05, 2005 *** due to some unfortunate events, dad has become the temporary superintendant of the apartments, while i am now the solo Paint Monkey and Ass. to the Superintendant (or super ass). today it rained so i didn't have to paint on the parkinglot. so today my duties were the super ass. i got to fix a faucet, rake the parkinglot drain (in four inches of standing water), and replace a toilet seat. to be completely honest, i'd rather stand in 4 inches of cold rain water scraping a rake across a clogged-up grate than change out an ancient, nasty toilet seat. gag. it's bad enough when it's your own, right? Popsicle's day included much more plumbing and grossness. i hope it's sunny tomorrow so i can break my knees and back painting the parkinglot. anything but plumbing. *** cat blog. the cat has been puking in the house more than i'm comfortable with. i'm pretty sure it's just hair ball pukes, but still, it seems odd that she's doing it so often. so i've bought some of that fancy hairball reducing food ($10?!) and also a pretty pink brush with which to brush her once or twice a day. i figured she'd hate the brush since she's been so nervous for the past couple of months (hey guys, remember when toonces would run up to you and be all, "yay! pet me! i'll drool! yay!") and has turned into Hidey Kitty. but, let me tell ya, she loves the pretty pink brush. damn, does she love it. when i brush her she's all, "ooh...yeah. there it is. YES! YES!" then she sticks her ass out at me all, "do me! do me!" and i'm all, "are...are you gay or just slutty?" but oh, her joy. she almost acts like her old self. she even let jimmy the hater brush her. reefer log: May 03, 2005 but a book? that's...that's different. plus, i'd probably have to capitalize proper nouns and use real punctuation. and frankly, i don't think that would work. *** i'm still the Parking
Lot Paint Monkey. today was a little harder than
yesterday. today i was spray painting space numbers on
the asphalt. space numbers? hee. anyway. i was nervous
because it's spray paint and i know how these old people
like to blame crap on the paint monkeys. which would be bad. i DON'T want to get paint on people's cars. and, since the building is the TALLEST building in GADSDEN it creates this er...thingy...where it's windy all the time? what would a smart person call that? anyway, wind and spray paint: nemesis. the other bad part was
being on my knees all day hunched over stencils,
spraying, then getting back up to move 4 feet over to
hunch back down on my knees to do it all over again. i
think there's like, 110 spaces. maybe more counting the
VISITORS parking. and i'm not close to being done. *** also, my ass hurts. do i
have hemorrhoids? silent 'h'? i shall now pronounce them
hemmer-hoids. i just want to sit in a tub of aloe or
something cool and cream-like. ice cream. sour cream.
hell, i'd even go for cottage cheese at this point. i
have no soothing ass creams in my medicine collection.
wait...maybe some orajel? how did this happen? i promise this won't turn into 'rhoid blog. well, no i don't. because if i do have
hemmer-hoids, and it ends up being funny in some way,
you'll be hearing about it. reefer log: May 02, 2005 today i painted parking lot stripes (yellow ones). i'll probably be doing it all this week. it has killed my back. i feel so old and hurty. i have self-medicated my sore back with beer. the pain has lessened but i'm thinking that tomorrow will be a Slow Jaimie day. in other news i'm
working on some gear sculptures. i. am. so. excited. i'm
going to make them different sizes and stuff. i'm going
to make an installation with them for my living room. i
should find my camera and take some pictures (not pitchers,
you idiots) of the SECRET PROCESS which
involves: i bought purple duct tape yesterday. FINALLY, duct tape for girls. they had pink and green and blue and yellow and camo, but i went with purple. it's candy tape. reefer log: May 01, 2005 wow. things have been
busy lately. i'm not sure what to even write about. B. the crazy demon
nightmare i had where i woke up screaming about the Four
Corners of the Earth. (sorry liznchris, i hope
i didn't disturb you. although, it disturbed the heck
outta me.) reefer log: |
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