June 30, 2005
laura, ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?!
rothko's paintings. are not. blotchy. gah. do i know you? who are you? impostor!

and no, it wasn't Rock 'n Roll. but anyone with a brain knows that the only bands who can sing that song are Led Zeppelin and Heart. it was Brand New Key, as in, "I'VE got a BRAND new PAIR of ROLLER skates and YOU'VE got a BRAND new KEY!!!"
kris is right, Rasputina is just...fmeh. and so is tori, but for some reason i can listen to tori. although, not right now. hmm.

June 29, 2005
war of the worlds made me want to kill myself.
also, that's pretty much what's going to happen when i sell out humanity to the Evil Space Robots.
sorry.

***

my arms got a little sunburned today at work. i put sunscreen on but i missed the same spot on each arm. it's right where the tip of the sleeve hits. geez, that's bush league, jaimie. bush league.
speaking of bush league, mr. fleegan and i (and whoever else wants) are going to another barons game this friday.

June 28, 2005
wow, when FA says his mom has 1,000 books that need to be moved, he really means 1,000. they were numbered. and? they were giant heavy law books. all of them. all 1,000 of them.

that's...that's too many books.

hee. what would gregg allman do? that's going to be my motto for the rest of the week.

June 27, 2005
i had a dream last night where robert motherwell asked to have sex with my ass. that's what he said, "may i have sex with your ass?" this was after i had told him that his artwork was pornography.
here's the really sad part.
i was actually referring to robert maplethorpe.

laura, motherwell was the one with the blotchy paintings.
d'oh! would you have known who i was talking about if i had said maplethorpe? probably. i'm a poophead. sorry.

***

do you know how hot it was today?
i only worked till 2pm 'cos it was so hot. i drank 2.5 liters of water. that's...that's too much water.
ps. cookie magoo, when i say something about "that's...that's too many *blank*" i'm totally saying it in paulie's voice from goodfellas where they're in prison and that dude is cooking and henry's voiceover says, "personally i always thought he used too many onions." and you hear paulie say, "frankie? how many onions did you put in the sauce?"
and frankie says, "what. i used 3 small onions."
and paulie says, "that's...that's too many onions."

oh but lately, the one dad and i quote all the time? is karen, "hello? you should know that the woman who lives in room 214, janice rossi, is a whore!"

why that's in my head i'll never know. just think of all the useful things that could be in my head. like phone numbers or long division or something.

***

i must be livin' right. i've been Margaret Free for over a week.

June 26, 2005 i think that today is lou's birthday. FLI FLOU! FLAPPY FLIRTHDAY!
today i went to my parent's house to get my books. somehow i have accumulated about 4 and a half gazillion books. art books. history books. art history books. i even found Tex. um, when was i forced to read that? 7th grade?
how old am i?
sheez.

***

here's something embarrassing. i bought steve winwood's Arc of a Diver song from iTunes.
i love that song.

***

here's something even more embarrassing. while digging through my books i found an old journal from freshman year of high school. apparently the english teacher made us keep one for a grade. she wasn't very impressed with my writing "style" or sense of "humor". yikes, i had terrible handwriting.
on september 9 - 14, 1992 i wrote a series of sketches. and the teacher? did not like them. i'm not sure why.

Sept. 9, 1992
A man with lots of hair walks into a wig shop
Man: Do you have any wigs I can wear?
Clerk: Uh. Well, you already have hair.
Man: Why, I am as bald as the day is long!
Clerk: Oh! You mean you're already wearing a wig?
Man: No, I'm not. I am bald, and I want to buy a wig.
Clerk: Well, if you don't mind my saying sir, you don't need a wig.
Man: Yes I do! Being bald is humiliating.
Clerk: (pulls out a gun and shoots the man) Boy, there sure are some strange ones out there.

gah. i have no excuse for that. they only get worse.
i'll post another one tomorrow. hee.

June 25, 2005
toilet is fixed. i went to Marvin's. i walked in and some lady was all, "can i help you?" and i thought eh, might as well ask. 'cos i surely don't know where anything is in that store.
"sure, i need..." what is it called? i can picture it in my head, but i don't know what the actual name of it is. i just always call it Toilet Guts. oh well. "...um, Toilet Guts?"
"oh. Toilet Guts. uh...aisle 8."
"thanks!"

***

i painted my living room walls this evening. i need to start in on the baseboards to get a head start on tomorrow, but oh, i'm really tired. i want to just lay down and sleep. SLEEEEEP!
crap. but you know as soon as i'm done with this i'm gonna go paint the baseboards.
stoopid fleegan.

***

there seems to be a party going on somewhere behind my house.

***

i taked to a prostitute today. she asked me where my dog went. i told her that the lady with the dog moved so she took the dog with her. she told me she really missed the dog. i told her that lots of people have told me they miss the dog.
"why don't you get another dog?"
"...what?"
"yeah, that dog was so nice. she'd follow me along the fence."
"it was a he."
"so she took her when she moved?"
"he and yes."
"does she have a fence?"
"he does indeed, have a fence."
"well, i bet she doesn't like it as much."
no, i'm sure he misses all the crazy-assed people who live around my block. geez.

reefer log:
vanna white

June 23, 2005
before i would let myself go and have fun, i hired myself to paint the living room ceiling. so then came The Margaritas, and i figured that was like my way of paying myself. we had a successful Girl's Night Out. we had three pitchers of margaritas. i had four glasses worth. and? and? i drove us home. so that tells you about how potent the margaritas were. the first one was a doozy, but the following ones i don't think were quite as strong. i forget what i had for dinner. i know it was mexican. there was cheese. and beans.

mr. fleegan is still out with his Man Friends (not gay). they went bowling.

****

there is something i HAVE to tell you.
one of my good friends works for a utilities company. i'll not tell you which one, or what his name is so that he won't get in trouble. HE told ME that there is only ONE PERSON in the WHOLE WORLD that he's not allowed to cut off this certain utility. do you know who that is?
Crazy Margaret.
why? because he did once, and she went to the office and was CRAZY MARGARET to them and so his prime directive was: DO NOT EVER CUT OFF THAT UTILITY EVER AGAIN NO MATTER WHAT.

so for those of you who thought i was exaggerating her craziness?
I'M NOT.

behold the power of crazy.

****

my toilet is leaking in the most ridiculous way i've ever seen. i mean, this is the strangest Toilet Drama i've ever had, well, not exactly. it could be tons worse. i'm not worried about it, yet. but my fear is that i'm going to have to get a new toilet, because the problem seems to be that the tank is too small and the guts are too long. so the lid doesn't fit flush with the tank (hee, flush.). and so when i flush the toilet water shoots out of the lid of the tank. gah, i dunno.

what is it about something always being stupid?

June 22, 2005
as promised, the one about Pink Floyd

today West asked me if i liked the Beatles or Elvis. only choose one. i winced, glanced at liz, and said, "Elvis."
West was a little shocked i think.
liz? was not. in fact, she said, "i knew that."
"i know you knew that. so i didn't lie and say the Beatles because that would have insulted your intelligence."

i don't know why i don't like the Beatles so much. i mean, i can listen to them, i just don't usually want to. now, before you write me off, know that i do appreciate them. oh, but i guess it doesn't help that i'd rather listen to something goofy like the Beach Boys rather than the Beatles. i know it's a sin. i should try to like the Beatles more, any self-respecting Music Lover would. i just can't seem to enjoy their music.
i do like Eleanor Rigby. does that count?

June 21, 2005
the heart of the sun
the heart of the sun
the heart of the sun

sorry, but cookie and i were talking about pink floyd. and it's inspired a weekly. yes, that's pretty random. but anyway.

June 20, 2005
yesterday mr. fleegan and i bought a new weedwacker. the whole time we were outside working on the weedwacker and then finally, weedwacking, we wondered at our amazing luck of not being visited by Crazy Margaret. it was truly a blessed day. for us.

when i talked to dad that evening he said, "guess who visited Best today?"
"i dunno, who?"
"guess."
"um, the whore that didn't pay me for painting her porch?" she lives down the street from Best's new house.
"no. Crazy Margaret."
"what?! NO!"
"yeah."
"NO! i don't believe you! you are lying to me!"
"i'm not lying. Best was pissed."
"oh my gosh. how did margaret get there?"
"she rode her bike."
"NO!"
"yes."
"NO!"
"if i'm lyin' i'm dyin."
"but that's..."
"i know."
"i mean, it would take me 15 minutes to get to Best's house from here, in my jeep."
"i know."
"but how-"
"i don't know."
"-did she-"
"i don't know. Best doesn't know either."
"-know where Best lives?!"
"don't. know."
"that's impossible! how did she find out?!"
"we were wondering if maybe you had told-"
"never! i would NEVER!"
"yeah, we pretty much thought that."
"dad, that is CRAZY. HOW DID SHE FIND HER?!"
"it has blown everyone's mind. including yours."
"Best isn't in the phone book."
"true."
"she didn't ask her? like, "JESUS IN GOD, MARGARET, HOW DID YOU FIND ME?!" 'cos that would have been my first reaction."
"yeah, i dunno. Best was really pissed. she kept saying, "i spent $100,000 just to get away from her!" over and over."
"ew. i thought she was just Crazy, but now i'm thinking she's Scary Crazy."
"yeah, that's not normal."
"i haven't seen her in days. maybe it took her that long to get over there. hee."
"heh."
"OH MY GOD. I HAVE TO CALL JIMMY."

jimmy's reaction: "you are KIDDING me! how?!"
"on her bike."
"no!"
"yep."
"how did she find her?!"

those same questions were repeated many time yesterday.

FEAR MARGARET.

June 19, 2005
well, after having the Worst Day in a Long Time Ever i just had the Best Weekend in a Long Time Ever. how cool is that?!
thursday night i saw Batman Begins. very awesome. except for that one part.
friday night i went with some peeps and saw Loretta Lynn at City Stages. can ya believe it? i got ta har Loretta damn Lynn sang her sawngs. she's the cutest thang. jimmy was on a mission to get us as close to the stage as possible so's i could see her. 'cos i'm only 4 feet tall, and i couldn't see her 'cos we're all bunched up together and i swear every time we'd get closer i'd be stuck behind some 9ft. tall cowboy. WITH HAT. but jimmy wormed us up there and i got to see Loretta with mah own eye balls. a special day, indeed.
candide.
voltaire.
saturday night i went with some other peeps to watch a Birmingham Barons game. SO. MUCH. FUN. i hadn't been to a ball game since i was a kid. and minor league baseball is so fun to watch 'cos all the players slide and dive for the ball. and the pitchers throw really good pitches and then all of a sudden they'll throw one into the bleachers. ha! on the way down i told my friends, "i'm gonna eat a hot dog, a giant pretzel, peanuts, and drink as many beers as i can. and? i'm not leaving the ballpark until i eat ice cream out of a tiny helmet, by god!"*
well, i didn't have a pretzel. but i got my tiny helmet of ice cream!
it was a perfect night for baseball, we had great seats (for only $8, how can you beat that?), and the Barons won. there was a dude three rows down from us who got beaned right on the forehead by a foul ball. i mean, when he turned around you could see the stitch marks from the baseball. ouch! three guys with walkie-talkies made him go see the "doctor". he came back later with an ice pack and probably some coupons or something. i said to jimmy, "you know, if laura and kris were here with us, that would have been kris." and he said, "you're probably right." because kris is our resident Massive Head Wound Harry.

*kelly and i reminisced about how when we were kids our parents would take us to the ball games but we never got to eat ice cream out of a tiny helmet. we got a hotdog and had to share a coke with our siblings. meanwhile our parents drank a ton of beer. go figure.
mom was all, "oh woe is you, we were such horrible parents. well, when you have kids you can buy them ice cream heltmets." i said, "oh hell no i won't. i didn't get ice cream helmets when i was a kid. they can wait till they can buy their own. or wait, that'll be your job, grandma."
"me?!"
"yeah, buying stupid crap for my kids is your job, it's my job to be all, "mo-om! quit buying crap for my kids! you're spoiling them!""
"oh yeah."

June 17, 2005
new weekly. oh, look. the new graphique bumped off the ol' jose canseco jose "douche bag" canseco graphique. pity. i really loved that one. that face. laura, that was a perfect one. i mean, i really like the new one, but the canseco one will be one of my faves for a long time.

reefer log:
kitten whispering
relay races

June 16, 2005
today? filled with seething anger. good news though, there'll be a weekly about it.

June 15, 2005
i didn't work as long today. not because i don't have a truckload of work to do, but because i worked outside until noon and made myself a bit sick. oh, i drank water. believe you me. and while i was outside working it didn't seem so bad. but about an hour afterwards...i felt like i had worked all day in the fields. i mean, i guess. i've never worked all day in the fields before but you know what i mean.

oh, and the diarrhea didn't help either. man, what did i eat last night? oh yeah, i remember, NOTHING. how is that...possible?

Dear Body,

I hate you. I am tired of diarrhea. TIRED, I TELL YOU!

Knock it off.

Love,
JP

***

after weeks of "rubbermaid paint buddies" in the reefer log and me going, "the hell?" i finally saw them at Lowe's. man, they'll make anything, won't they? these look to be like the biggest waste of money since that stupid rotisserie thing by Ronco.

SET IT, AND BY GOD, FORGET IT!

***

okay, i don't want to get in to the whole Katie Holmes/Tom Cruise thing because
A. who cares? and
B. i hardly know them, so it's none of my business.

but my god, when she smiles? i can see her top AND bottom teeth! do you know who smiles like that?! little children! they smile like that because on Picture Day mommy or daddy tells them to be sure to "smile big" and that's the kind of smile you get.

katie, sweetie. you're making my face hurt.

just say, "cheese!" and we'll move on.
the longer you look at that photo, the weirder it gets.

reefer log:
benjamin moore bathroom pain bathroom pain. i know the feeling.
pass the pickle

June 14, 2005
i had a dentist appointment at 8am. wow. what an AWESOME way to start the day.
actually, it was the BEST dental exam i've ever had. i hardly bled. what's up with that? even the lady seemed surprised. "well jaimie, i guess...i guess we're done?"
"that was only 15 minutes."
"i...i know. you're teeth were great. i wish everyone's teeth were as easy as yours."
"can i ask you a question?"
"sure."
"is this a dream?"
turns out, it was not a dream. my teeth rawk hard. who knew?

and mom, i even had Coal Miner's Daughter. and still i didn't bleed like a stuck hog, like i usually do.
what the-? today i am charmed.

look ma! no cavities!

***

the rest of the day sucked. 10 hours of painting. someone kill me. my shins are so hurting and full of hurt. why? why, you blasted shins?! leemee alone! laura invited me over to watch some stupid television program starring britney spears and some dude, but no! my BODY hurts. so all i can do is take advil and drink whiskey. stoopid body.

i mean, granted, i was going to bring the Jack with me to LBC's house. but still. i don't NEED shin pain.
SHIN PAIN! coming soon to a reefer log near you.

do you know what the ONLY thing in the reefer log was? pee sex.
what is pee sex?! oy. the internet is filled with awesomeness...and pee sex.

June 13, 05
too tired. when i left work today i thought, "if i can just make it home..." and when i got home i thought, "if i can just make it to the shower..." and then when i got out of the shower it was, "if i can just put these clothes in the washing machine..." and when i got them in the washer it was, "if i can just do these dishes..." and when dishes were done, dude, (hee! point!) it was, "if i can just open this flingflang bottle of advil..."
today tried to kill me.

Dear Monday,

You were a worthy adversary. I admire your tenaciousness. And though you killed, killed, my back and legs i just want you to know i did laundry, ALL the dishes, and and and, the trash? is on the curb, bitch.

Nice try.

See you next week,
Jaimie

i can't believe i'm going to admit this, but...the new System of a Down song? i LOVE it. it makes me smile when i hear it. i heard it for the first time in TN, so i might be like, months behind on this. the song is called B.Y.O.B. (why?) i refer to it as "you know, the one that goes LALALALALALALAAA!"

***

hey. you know that saying that goes like, "that which does not kill you makes you stronger."?
yeah. um, who said that, exactly? is this in the Bible somewhere?
because, ugh. nevermind. i'm too tired to even

***

mr. fleegan and i watched sideways tonight. meh.

***

poppies will put them to sleep...sleeeeeeep.

reefer log:
goldfish smell
fish oil paint oh! that's like a 'before and after' from The Wheel, isn't it? that reminds me, at the Holy House there's a library and it's chock full of books (romance and bibles mostly) but i ALWAYS run across that Vanna White autobiography VANNA SPEAKS. it's like no matter where i am in the library that book is RIGHT NEXT to the book i pick up. and i always snicker. because the title makes it seem like she had never spoken before then. it's like, "oh my god! what does she have to say?! please Vanna, save us! SAVE US!"
pickle candy

June 12, 2005
it has been a margaret-filled weekend. Crazy Margaret has been by twice to ruin my day(s). oy.

she screams my name. it sounds like she's on fire or something. so embarrassing. i need a webcam i can put on the driveway.

she says that "the blacks" have been eyeing my grill. well, okay. it's not even mine. but, if they want it they'll have to work for it. she told me i should chain it to the deck.
"margaret, if they can cut through the lock or fence, then they're gonna be able to cut through a chain or the lock i put on it."

"well, i noticed that your basement window was cracked open and it wasn't like that yesterday because i came by here yesterday and it wasn't open."
"what?!" and then she starts to move my garbage can to the side of the house where the window is. "hey! what are you doing?! stop!"
"shh! shh! *whispering* they still might be in there. come on! we'll use this to-"
"margaret! no! we won't! there isn't anyone in my storage room. what are you...what does that even mean*?"
"but the window-"
"it's probably a cat. i've been hearing a cat in there for-"
"no! cat's can't open a window! shh! shh!"

so i go to the storage room and of course no one is in there and i try to close the window but i can't because i'm too short and anyway i figure i'll just get jimmy to close it when he comes over.

*the part i cannot describe is when she's whispering to me about "the blacks" being in my storage room she was doing these weird, almost-military hand signals. so crazy.

then she starts pointing to the neighbor's house (not Crazy Lola, but the other side) and whispering things i have no idea what they mean.
"what?! what are you doing?"
"pssh! pssh! *pointing at the house behind her hand, like she's being sneaky* pssh pssh!" more gibbered whispering.
"i don't see anyone, marg-"
"22! 22! *and starts making gun noises* them!"
"look, there's no one over there right now, okay?"
"can they get in your house from the basement?"
"no. no they can't. there's no access at all. so don't even think ab-"
"hey! hey! the window is still open! i thought you-"
"yes, i know. i couldn't reach it, but i'll have my boyfriend close it when he gets here."
"when are you getting married?"
"huh? i don't know. soon."
"are you going to live here when you get married?"
"ye-es. now i gotta-"
"i was thinkin' the other day that it's gonna be hard when you have kids because of these steps and all."
"what?"
"i mean these steps here. it's gonna be hard-"
"uh. yeah? look, i gotta go."

don't you wish you were me? i do.

reefer log:
how to break and pickle barrel locks
christina pickle do you mean Christina Pickles? you know, i could've sworn she was in one of the superman movies. my bad.
lawn care and pee spots and vodka and glue and chewing gum and stamps and ice cubes and tampons and guitars and relay races and juice and ice cream would make a weird smoothie.

June 09, 2005
first thing this morning i'm eating a bowl of cheerios and watching tv when all a sudden i hear my name being screamed. what the? *sigh* gaad. Crazy Margaret. maybe she'll just go away.

but she didn't. in fact, she started banging on something and screaming my name some more. later in the day i noticed that my garbage can had been turned around. grr. don't touch my things!

sheez. what a way to start out the day. she needed money for "cat food". oh shut up. if you needed money for cat food i'd give it to you. don't even ask, FA. hee.

anyway then she proceeded to tell me that Crazy Lola keeps running over the corner of my driveway and is going to break it. she said she told Lola that her new neighbor (me) won't like her breaking the driveway like that. then she said that Lola said that everyone (including Margaret) are her new neighbors and we can all go to hell.

score one for Lola.

then she told me that the water pump in the jeep is about to go out.
good guess. everything in the jeep is about to go out.

then she started getting nosy about my business and i told her i had to go take a shit, and i walked back in the house.
i wish!
i told her that i had to go brush my teeth. but man, it would have been funnier the other way. hee.

***

i got to eat lunch today with popsicle and yimmy! i told them about My Morning with Margaret. i also confessed to them that she hadn't been around for several days and i had secretly wished that she was dead, well, gone anyway. dad said, "i know a way to get her to go away."
"oh yeah?"
"yeah, have jimmy print out some $20 bills on his computer."
"HA!"
"just wear rubber gloves when you hand her the money. and when the police come to your door all you have to say is, "officer, i've never seen this woman before." i mean, who's he going to believe?"
jimmy said, "yeah, and to make it even easier i'll put her face on it instead."
"oh man. that's good."
"yeah. that'll get rid of her for about 5 to 10 years."
"heeeeee!"
dad's all, "insane we trust."
jimmy's all, "we could put Crazy Bill on one too."
"and Lola."

later dad says, "i wonder how many Margaret Bucks this meal will cost?"
and that? is where i lost it.

reefer log:
a snake eating a mouse
used oil based paint and acetone before i knew i was pregnant this seems to be very popular lately. so here: oil based paint and pregnancy. and also a science-y sounding one. they basically say the same things about it, "ummm, no one really knows. but it's not a good idea to huff paint while preggers." only more science-y. the science one did say that one study done in Holland or whatnot showed that women who paint for a living are more likely to miscarry and gave a ratio of 1.4. is that like one out of four women? i don't know. but i also know that that study was done before 1984, and house paint made these days is a lot less toxic then it was back then. just be sure to wash your hands and DON'T INHALE ANY LEAD DUST. OR YOU'LL KILL US ALL.

June 08, 2005
so i'm sitting here after a long day thinking, "i don't want to turn on the computer. i don't even have anything to blog about. feh." but i decide to go ahead and try because i mean, you gotta give it the ol' college blow. (HA! ANOTHER ONE!) so i think to myself, "well, i know liz didn't blog today; i wonder what laura blogged about." and she didn't. because honey, Picture Of Cat does not count.
hee!

of course, i don't even have a Picture Of Cat. i've got nothing. i went to b'ham today and my brain is melty and my eyes are filled with sand and doom, and i've got a headache. i didn't have caffeine today. rrrrr.

oh, but there is this:
i stopped at pier 1 to see if they had anything cool for my new house. and they didn't. because i didn't want to pay $80 for this cool CD holder that was extremely, very, really poorly made. all of their furniture is shit. it looks cool. but it's like it's all been made by people who can't measure things or screw in things or glue things. what is up with that? everything wobbles! and all the doors and drawers are too hard to open! and then they're too hard to close! and on top of that it's expensive!

Dear Pier 1 Imports,

Hello? It's called craftsmanship.

Love,
Jaimie

i really don't have a problem with spending money on things that at least seem like they're going to last. case in point: my computer desk thing.

anyway, my tale is not actually of Pier 1. y'see, i've been thinking about getting my own D&D dice. because when we played before no one ever wanted me to touch their dice because my dice rolling is usually quite horrid. they say that i'm cursed. and so, i've been thinking about getting my own. but where?

i was going to get some (perv) while i was in TN last weekend because i figured it being a college town it would have a comic/game store type deal. but i never got a chance to go to the one i found in the phone book. but today, across from the pier 1, was this place called Kingdom Comics.
"huh," i thought, "sounds like some kind of christian comic book or something."
anyhoo, i got brave and walked in.
and at first i didn't see any dice. but then on my way out i saw some by the register. it was just a random selection and i thought they would be expensive (for some reason) but no! they were cheap! i guess anyway. the 20-sided one was .55 and the others were a quarter each.

so i picked some out but was all, "well, hells bells. i don't even know if these are right." so i asked the dude/dudette (i couldn't tell) if those were the proper ones for D&D or what and he/she said, "i don't know. i'm the comic person. i don't know D&D." and i'm thinking, "well, thanks for nothing, pat." but then there was this geek standing close by and i said, "hey, do you know about dice?" and he did. and so now i have dice!

i know. i know. this has been so lame hasn't it? i should've just posted a pic of the cat, or no! i NEED to take a picture of that goddamned fish "pond".

reefer log:
gay camo
latex over oil based paint
lesbian flavor this cracked me up.
spackling compound this? also cracked me up.

June 07, 2005
this evening friends came over to my house. we ate food. liznchris brought over a tiny kitty. it was a trial run to see if Toonces Whorecat would kill and eat the kitty. Toonces hissed and hid from the kitty. she then spent the rest of the night in the closet. liz checked on her a couple of times and toonces hissed and made that deep growling sound at her. i've never known toonce to hiss and growl at a human (west isn't human).

toonces still isn't speaking to me. and i just caught her scratching at my bass amp. NO! BAD! when i yelled at her to stop she gave me the paw. she's really pissed that i let a kitty come in the house.

i want that kitten, but i don't think toonce is going to be cool with it.

and she's back in the closet now.

she's never going to forgive me. she still hasn't gotten over the move. she mopes around all day and she won't go outside, not even just to look around like she used to do at the dreamplex.
poor, demented kitty.

***

i came home for lunch today and Superman II was just starting. man, it was really hard to go back to work after watching the beginning of that movie. it's one of my favorite movies. isn't that lame? and i forgot that marlon brando was superman's dad.
wacky. especially when he gives his speech to the baby superman before he shoots him into outerspace in that giant christmas tree ornament, "I never wanted this for you. I work my whole life - I don't apologize - to take care of my family, and I refused to be a fool, dancing on the string held by all those bigshots. I don't apologize - that's my life - but I thought that, that when it was your time, that you would be the one to hold the string. Senator Kal-el; Governor Kal-el. Well, it wasn't enough time, Michael, i mean, Kal-el. It wasn't enough time."

because it's ALWAYS about the Godfather.

***

i haven't stopped reading books. i'm just stuck on this terry pratchett book called Going Postal, and it's killing me. i can't even explain why. i'm loving it, and it's hilarious, but it's taking me forever to read.

reefer log:
next boxes for buddies
fix pee spots on lawn
rubbermaid paint buddies
latex on oil paint
stone spray paint

June 06, 2005
so i worked forever, right? so i said to myself, "self, you deserve a break today." so i gave myself the day off. so what did i do on my day off? well, it all started at 7:45am.
mowed the lawn
cleaned out the fish pond
went to the bank
went to the store (postage stamps! arghh!)
washed the jeep
washed dishes (i bought new glasses! i'm a grown up!)
swept (vacuumed) the floors
murphy's oil soaped the hardwood floors
spicked AND spanned the vinyl and ceramic floors
payed bills (math!)

it was a bright, hot, sunny, humid, hot, sunny day today. and i sweated greatly while doing my outdoor chores, especially the cleaning of the fish pond. oh, have i not mentioned the fish pond before? well, the house i bought has a fish pond.
"pond".
it's basically an old bathtub that's been covered in that rubber landscaping stuff and buried in the yard. tres redneck. it might not be so bad if it didn't look EXACTLY like someone buried a tub in the yard. i gotta get some big rocks around it or something. anyway, i lovingly refer to it as "that goddamn fish pond" and "those goddamn goldfish." there's 8 or 9 fish.

so i cleaned it out because the water was blackeen. the smell got worse the more i pumped the water out. yeesh. (i actually went to the bank after cleaning it out and it wasn't till i got back in the car that i noticed my legs were covered in pond scum. hi. i'm a dorkus malorkus.) anyway, clean water now. we'll see how long that lasts. i think i should buy some of those aquarium snail things. like, 10 of them.

did i mention the sun and the hotness? did i mention that i washed the jeep? because it was so sunny and hot. did i mention that 3 hours later a CLOUD OF DOOM came over the city and poured out it's guts on my city and MY FRESHLY WASHED JEEP?! does it have to happen EVERYFUCKINGTIME?
"it done come up a gully-warsher."

i didn't know it was supposed to rain today. nobody cleared the thundershower with me, Lord. (i don't actually expect God to tell me when it's going to rain. i just thought that sentence would be funny.)

BUT NO KIDDING! every time i wash my jeep. EVERY TIME! even laura was all, "wow, that happens every time."
"i know. i should take this gig out on the road."
"yeah, to the drought areas."
"for real. i could be famous."

I AM GOING TO END WORLD HUNGER WITH MY AMAZING JEEP WASHING ABILITIES AND SEETHING HATRED OF CAR WASH IRONY.

but there was a small miracle in all this. i was outside for 5 hours and not once did Crazy Margaret come by. i am truly blessed.

however, Crazy Lola was out cruising the streets. not even the thundershower could slow her down. yep, just out driving in a vacant haze that would probably scare the rest of us. just another day in the 'hood.

***

the TN trip went well. li'l hoostin's house is very nice and now newly painted. well, most of it anyway. we're painters, not miracle workers.
on saturday night we ate at this AWESOME mexican restaurant called Fiesta Alcapulco. maybe i spelled that right? GREAT margaritas!
i enjoyed four or five and then promptly did not want to do anything else. including move or breathe. but then i got my second wind and called liz. this was around 11:30pm.
sorry liz.
i had forgotten what we talked about but she didn't!

reefer log:
can i paint while pregnant um, i dunno. i probably would. but i wouldn't use anything oil-based and no solvents. of any kind. and i wouldn't pick up any full 5 gallon buckets of paint (so heavy!). i'd just use latex paint and i guess you could wear gloves if you were worried about absorbing things through the skin but, i mean, you still wash your hair and face and wear make-up and stuff while you're pregnant so...there you go. of course, i'm no doctor. oh! and i wouldn't paint any ceilings either. not because it's dangerous, it's just a pain in the neck, so being pregnant would be a good excuse for saying, "oh, i'm sorry. i can't paint ceilings for the next 9 months or so. it's not good for the baby." oh, and uh, just don't eat any paint.
dutch boy ceiling paint bad i couldn't have said it better myself.
golf course beer girls
two tone car paint job
fancy mice pictures
dachsunds
pee lola
girls that pass gas uhhhhh all of them? well, not the dead ones, obviously.
judy garland in black face paint racist!
latex oil paint hrm?
how to spackle walls
rubber coats
pictures from the book the joy of sex

June 02, 2005
oy. had a 12 hour day yesterday and a 10 hour day today and i'm beat to hell. tomorrow night dad and i leave for good ol' rocky top, rocky top tennessee. well, not actually rocky top. is there a Rocky Top? i thought they just meant like how TN has mountains? (and the Dumbest Sentence Ever award goes to...) anyway, we have to go up there for the weekend to paint li'l bro's house. because apparently painting is hard and he and his lady friend can't do it by themselves. his main excuse? "i don't have a ladder."
my response?
"go buy a goddamn ladder."
i really don't want to drive up there for the weekend AND WORK the whole time, but if you read the previous post well...i suppose since i can't be generous with my money (money?) then i could be generous with my time and abilities.
shit. yes, Lord, i'm paying attention. i'm trying to be more "yay! i get to help my brother!" and less, "but it's my weekend! and since i worked extra late yesterday and today i didn't get to see jimmy...and now i won't see him for 3 MORE days! NO! the last time i didn't see him for 5 days was like 1995 or something. gah! monkey hate paint!"

and yes, i sound like a whiney whine-hole. but it really makes me mad that i won't see him for so long. that's the main reason why i'm hating having to go this weekend. it's not the work, i don't actually mind painting. painting won't kill me. but 5 jimmyless days in a row?
i feel killed already.

what? i'm being melodramatic? me?
shaddup.

so probably no more posts until monday.

oh now who's being melodramatic?

reefer log:
candy purple paint mmmm candy
mr. pickle toes
what happens after the adultery hrmm, afterglow? hee.
girls in rubber coats
slap the monkey
gay nickname mary
where can i buy a police sander ha!
parking lot painting
pee sex
rubbermaid paint buddies
roller skate for dachsunds
what happens to people who be bad
outside drop boxes or safes
maroon jerk chicken
does my cat have a hairball the magic eight ball says, "outlook not so good." i'd say not only does your cat have a hairball, but also throat cancer. that...that's a shame.

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