| June 2006 Dribblings | |
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6.30.06 why is there a members only jacket hanging on every public
coat rack? hey thanks for the heads up on garbage day Listen here whoreface, i'm giving you two extra days, I
expect my money tomorrow or else! "End of the World" by Skeeter Davis I had no idea u were a fan of Madonna i see you. i see you. thumb is getting tired. are u coming to the sports
plex? FREE BEERS MY ASS! June says to make sure she has her cane when she leaves
today. Yay boobies. I stopped in berea kentucky. i will let you know when i get
to the big oh. The thing the HH did with HUD, was that a 221(d)(3) by any
chance? **** even when Liz sends a txt she sounds like a genius. 6.29.06 shit. i go out to see what crazy damn thing she's got going. "jaimie! jaimie! have you seen that red truck that parks over there at that house no one is home and the light is on and he's real bad off and she's 90 years old and they're ususally at home at this time of night." "i saw it this afterno-" "you know they been killin' old people in gadsden i told them to be careful like and not to open the door or answer the phone if it's a weird number." "that's-" "hey, you got a cold drink for me? i done ate some ice cream and it made me puke i puked it all up and then i drank some ice milk and puked that up and so i's wondering you had a cold coke or something." "you always puke when you eat ice-" "hey what time you leave for work in the morning?" "i dunno, 8:30 or 9." "okay, you can run me up to get my check and take me to pay my gas bill 'cos i can't walk on this foot like this it's all swollen and i put sulfur in my shoe to take the swelling down but it backfired on me i'm like my brother i'm allergic to sulfur so i'll come by and you can run me-" "margaret. i'll give you a stamp and you can mail your bill but i'm not-" "i can mail it on my own but i need my check i can't walk to alabama city to get my check. i'll give you ten dollars to run me up there." "margaret, i'm not driving you anywhere." "okay." i'm so lucky. i'm so getting a camera to record her. 6.27.06 the only downside to working there is seeing how much debt the place has. i go through all the bills and think, "this is impossible." it really makes me sad because i love that place so much. i want it to work. i want it to rock. i want numbers that make sense. i want the utilities companies to cut us a break. i want to fire people who are taking up space and not working. i want air in my office. i want that place working like a well-oiled machine that's able to pay it's bills every month without having to pick and choose who gets screwed. i want HUD to do it's job and HELP us instead of the way it's jerking us around. CONSTANTLY. i just want things to work right. i love that stupid place and all those crusty old people who live in it. don't worry, my cancerous ice heart hasn't melted or anything. i'm not even approaching mushball status yet. i don't even have real feelings. just small pebbles where the feelings should be. still, if you worked around that place it'd get into you and you'd love it too. you'd even be surprised how much you love the oldsters. and when one of them dies, or has to leave to go to a nursing home, you'd be surprised how sad it makes you. you'd be surprised when one day you walk into the lobby and see old ladies sitting around a giant screen TV watching 9 to 5 and murmmering about Dolly's boobs, and over by the mailboxes there's 2 old guys bullshitting about cars and fishing, and they all smile at you and say hi and of course none of them can remember your name but some of them get pretty close, "hi janie!" or "hi amy!" and the ones that can't remember don't even try and just say, "hi girl!" or "hey there little one." and you'd be surprised that it hits you outta thin air that this place isn't just an apartment complex, but it's a huge crazy family, and you'll forever have to sit at the kid's table. then, when you reread that last paragraph, you'll be surprised at how naive and mawkish you sound. *** i had to look up mawkish in the dictionary to make sure i was using the word right. turns out, it comes from the word maggot. ew. how did they pull that one out? words are weird. *** also, more of the same with the firecrackers today/night. i guess this will be a losing battle for me for the next two weeks or so. unless of course, i kill Kaze. which, isn't out of the question. i tell you, pets are totally not worth the hassle. damn stupid animals. oh well. When I'm stuck with a day 6.26.06 i live in the 'hood. also, i live in what you might call Little Mexico. and all the little niños have purchased firecrackers with their allowance pesos. and today they shot firecrackers all day and all night long. because every day is a holiday of some kind. that's fine. i don't care. but Kaze. Kaze cares. in fact, she's lost her mind. she freaks out around firecrackers and she has had one huge freakout all day AND NIGHT long. she has killed both the screen door and the basement door. they're still on hinges...but i'm going to have to purchase a new basement door this weekend. if i can find one that size. it's a small, narrow door. so now i've got the basement door wide open so she can hide in the corner from the big, bad firecrackers. jimmy did think to put a ladder across the bottom of the door so that the dogs can go in and out of the basement and hopefully it will keep Roxy from dragging anything out of the basement. **** i don't know about you, but i got sucked into Broken
Trail last night and i could hardly wait to see the conclusion
tonight. and i'm not one for westerns, but it was a great story that just
made you want to know what was going to happen next. i was really
disappointed at the end though. yeah, you badass cowboys...afraid of
wimmin. but it was a great movie. i bet it wins an award. something like best mini-series starring robert duvall or something. 6.25.06 thursday and friday i got to work indoors. what a blessing! i love the sweet, sweet, stale AC. This morning i woke up saying the pledge of allegiance. what was amazing is that i seemed to know all the words. perhaps that's not actually amazing though, seeing as how we had to say it everyday at school for my whole life starting when i was 3. so yeah, i guess that shit better be in my subconscience. anyway, kind of a weird thing to wake up to. but then, when
i tried to say it again while i was fully awake? i couldn't remember the
part with "liberty and justice for all" and instead ended it with "for
thine is the kingdom, the power, the glory....waitaminute." i got it on
the second try though. *** thursday was Faithful Atheist's birthday. none of us knew it was going to be his birthday or i'm sure we would've planned a much better party. as it was we had him over for spaghetti and cake and Crazy Margaret. there are 7 clips in all. thank you FatAss for having the technology! this was probably the highlight of the week. how could it not? i realize i'm mean and cruel for getting her over to my house just so my friends could listen to how batshit insane she is...but it was my friend's birthday, and well, what do you get the guy who has all the cool toys already? well, besides a hooker. and it's not like i'm totally cold-hearted. i gave her some food and some soda. my heart is not completely filled with hate. just mostly. *** so anyway, what's been going on with you? 6.20.06 it was 6,000 degrees today. working outside today was quite draining. i was wheezing while standing still. i'm jealous of all of you with your jobs with the AC and the water cooler and the office gossip and the wacky coworkers and the lounge with the soda and snack machines and the internet and the free telephone and the sneaking of internet porn and the harsh but loving boss with the constantly rumpled shirt and tie. my job is pretty sweet sometimes though. like yesterday and today i saw brown recluse spiders. they're a lot bigger than i thought they were. i thought they were smallish with short legs. nay! i hate working outside in the nature. ***
then i watched Rent by myself because jimmy was afraid he'd hear the pretty songs and like them. it's a good movie, but it's kind of like watching the gayest episode of Law and Order ever. i've never watched an episode of Law and Order but i have seen bits and pieces of eps over at liznchris's house because it is ALWAYS ON AT THEIR HOUSE. honestly, it's always on. i don't even have to exaggerate. they couldn't and wouldn't deny it. anyway, i think every one of the cast is either on or guest starred on Law and Order. so liz, you guys should rent Rent and watch your favorite lawyers be gay and sing about love. the characters were all right, but the Rock and Roll Guy, he....his voice...maybe it was just him but, i didn't care for him or his voice. he kind of had this Bon Jovi thing...but i'm sorry, no. oh, and it took me way too long to figure out he had AIDS. not that it was a secret at all. it was just one of those things i hadn't really thought about until the other girl was all, "AZT break!" and i was all, "what? isn't that for AIDS? oh...she has AIDS." and then he looked relieved and i thought, "OH! he had AIDS and that's why he was being a dick. i see. well how nice for them to both have AIDS so they can now date each other." see, when he was singing "i should tell her..." blah blah blah, i thought he meant he should tell her that his last girlfriend was hooked on smack and died. i missed the AIDS thing. me? an unobservant idiot? why, yes! Taye Diggs doesn't play a big part...but he is really hot. reow. words to describe this movie would be: fun! songy. sweet. love. sad. sadder. sweet sad. artists. citylife. AIDS.
6.19.06 the spoiled groceries were worth about $20. i had 2 half gallons of BRAND BUCKIN' NEW FRESH DELICIOUS ICE CREAM to be completely ruined. but you know, there are much worse things. like my dad, for instance. he left me a voice mail saying that the 'fridge cost $150 to fix. so of course i'm all, "geez louise! that's half my paycheck farglebarglegrumblespew." so i go to his house after work to give him the money and i start counting it out and he says, "whoa what's this money for?" "the 'fridge. you said it was $150." "oh, you got my message?" "yeah." "well, i said $350." "WHAT?! $350?! i coulda bought a new one for that!" "i know. i figured you'd get the joke." "what?" "jaimie, it was only $25." "what? really?" "yeah, i was kidding about the $350." "wow, i'm glad i misheard the message and thought it was $150 or i would've crashed the jeep for sure. $25?" "$25." "you are rock and roll." "i know." *** to keep you posted on the Wicked theme of the month, i must tell you this weird thing. as i was driving jimmy home yesterday i made him listen to the CD with me (i bought it on friday but never had a chance to listen to it till yesterday). he hated it of course, in that way that boys act when they think that listening to something with a smidge of culture to it will make them instantly gay. so this song starts playing and i think it's Glinda singing a letter to her folks (she's away at college. isn't that awesomely hilarious?) and she says, "Dear Momsie and Popsical" and we both look at each other all, "did she just call her dad Popsicle?!" because, "me too!" **** i finished working for the german lady. she turned out to be
super nice and we would have coffee klatch every day at 2pm JUST LIKE AT
THE HCH! anyway, i've made a new #1 Fan. which, you know, is weird 'cos i don't even hug people i know. like, if liz or laura gave me hug i'd be all, "what the hell is your problem? were you diagnosed with cancer?" which is REALLY BAD OF ME and i should NOT be so unhuggy
with my friends! i'm going to make it a point to hug my friends one time
this week. but only one time. hee. but really, jimmy is the only person i'm genuinely affectionate with. that's okay, isn't it? right? you guys? liz? 6.18.06 i promise no exxageration when i say that everything i bought today was something that belongs in the 'fridge. irony is quite a bitchsuckingmotherfuckerwithcheese.
*the theme of this month seems to be Wicked. don't try to fight it. just go with it. 6.18.06 i guess i should get some bad news out of the way first. i
hate to have to be the bearer of bad news, but i guess as Mayor of
Crazytown it should fall upon my shoulders because i really don't have any
underlings to pass that job off on. Crazytown does not have a town crier.
We need one though, so send your resumes to anyway. the bad news in Crazytown is that we no longer have Lola. she isn't dead yet, mind. she's just not residing in Crazytown anymore. she's moved on to what i can only assume to be a better place. her white trash family has installed a new and shiny chain-linked fence around the house and has closed the gate with no less than four (4) combination locks. you know, to keep the riff-raff out. yeah. like they really needed a fence. that house has a forcefield of piss around it so strong that even ANIMALS don't go near it. Crazy Margaret is taking it well. if you consider 1 minute intervals every 15 minutes "well". it's during that 1 minute she asks for $5. i turned her down again today. it was hard to do, but everyone says i should totally stop giving her money. i haven't given her any money in about 6 weeks. but now she's taking to hardcore begging and i feel like a COMPLETE HORRIBLE PERSON for not giving her five measely bucks. i've also been feeling guilty for not asking these dudes at the mall if they needed a jump. i know that sounds really dumb, but it's my thing. i may not be able to fix the problem but i can at least ask. i mean, two weeks ago this kid was broken down in the BoE parking lot and i walked over to see if he needed a jump. unfortunately, his car needed more than a jump, but i was able to give the guy a cigarette. and that seemed to help a great deal. i'm not good at doing what God wants me to do. if God says, "jaimie, go pray for that person." i'm all, "LALALALALA! CAN'T HEAR YOU! LALALALALAA!" but long before he used to ask me to do hard things, like praying or talking about praying, he blessed me with jumper cables and a heart for people with car trouble. and when i ignore those things, the things i know i can handle, it just feels 10 times more sad and icky than when i wuss out on seemingly important things like praying for sick people. ew, sick people. hee. ANYWAY let's not talk about such serious things as prayer and jumper cables. let's talk about my super fantastic weekend. yesterday my fam, flippy, and best went to Chattanooga to the Riverbend Fest. we had FREE TICKETS and FANTASTIC SEATS to see the Derek Trucks Band AND, AND, AND! The Allman Bros. Band! i know, you're wondering how all these awesome things happen to me, right? well, it's just the perks of being Mayor of Crazytown. The ABB played for TWO HOURS. HOT DOG! HOW COOL IS THAT?! i tell you Warren Haynes and Derek Trucks KILLED those guitars. and even Gregg played guitar on "Melissa". dad and i discussed the show today. "jaimie, wasn't that an incredible show last night?" "yeah, one of the best ever." "i know! think about it, they tour all the time and they NEVER have to put out a new album. i mean, what was the last album they made that isn't a live show?" "i dunno. but that part seems sad to me." "but it just goes to show how much people love to hear them." "oh i hear you, it's just that...there's nothing new...for them. i know they could sell out places every night and play the same popular songs over and over. and they'd do it well, and with as much passion as ever. but honestly? watching gregg allman sing "Whipping Post" last night? it was like he was singing "Whipping Post" about having to sing "Whipping Post"." dad lost it. 'cos it's kinda true. don't get me wrong, those boys played their guts out last night. in fact, everytime i've had the honor of seeing them they've played their guts out. how do they keep doing it? i don't know. and as an awesome bonus? they played
Soulshine. "i bet it's "Southbound"," he said. we were both wrong, but the third song was "Southbound" and the fourth song was "One Way Out". hee. we are lucky bitches. 6.14.06 yesterday, right as i got home from work, i mean, right as i open the jeep door there's margaret all, "hey what's wrong with the brown dog?" now, i haven't even seen margaret yet, right? i mean, i'm still putting things in my purse and locking the jeep door and i absently ask, "what brown dog?" "your dog! the brown one! it's got something on it's back!" "oh, the vet removed a cyst from her back. she's fine." i say as i'm cramming paintbrushes and CDs into the purse. then i turn and look at margaret and heeeeeee! she's wearing this superman blue colored ten-gallon baseball hat (dante! hee!) and on the hat it reads: don't let the halo fool you. i actually need a camera phone. no, what i really need is grant money to buy a GREAT video camera to make a documentary about my neighborhood starring Crazy Margaret, Lola, Hobo John, The Nature Boy, Voodoo Man (but i'm scared of him so someone else will have to tape and interview him), The Dreeble Twins, ALL the bitches at the Bird Sanctuary who walk during their lunchbreaks and talk on their cell phones THE WHOLE TIME, Sister Shirley and Her Amazing Purple Limosine, ex-con Dave, the 20 people who have stopped and asked me for a cigarette, and the old couple who live across the street who are curious enough to pump Crazy Margaret for information about me but not curious enough to walk across the street to meet me. i'll call it Crazytown: Beyond Thunderdome. who wants to get rich with me by exploiting my neighborhood? 6.13.06 *** is there nothing more disgraceful than back pain? my back is killing me. i know it's from work 'cos i've been working like a mexican for this lady (i'm so PC!). i'm talking 7 hours with no break. shut up, whiney work blog. in other news: LIZ STILL HASN'T POSTED AN 'ASK LIZ' COLUMN ON FLEEGANCENTRAL. i've been a youtube junkie lately. i've been looking at clips from Wicked. dear youtube.com, i love you. love, you know what else you can watch on youtube? yeeha! **** laura made me a copy of a mixed CD she made for the veronica mars show (well, not FOR the show but i don't know, songs from the show). i listened to it on the way to and from work today (it's a 30 minute drive one way) and i am totally not cool at all. i'm old and cranky and all this newfangled music sounds the same. hee, newfangled. but i did enjoy the Old Person CD that she also gave me. i haven't listened to it all yet but i like it so far. perhaps the VM CD will grow on me, but i felt like a mean old biddy as i aggressively smoked a clove yelling, "talentless hacks! learn to sing, you half-grown emo weenie-voiced dorkholes!!" i dunno, i was probably in a mood today. it's this "work" thing. it's totally getting to me. i think a big part of it is that i'm at a place where there's no cell service. so i'm all alone. i can't call up laura and be all, "hey! anything good happening over there?" it's like being stuck in russia but without the vodka and fur hats. i'll give the CD another listen on thursday...when i'm not
stuck in Ohatchee. 6.11.06 *** today i was a lazy slob and went to mcdonald's to pick up some lunch. i'm not proud of that fact. but it's right down street so there you go. anyway, as i was driving home i saw crazy margaret on her bike on the sidewalk by my house so i kept on driving because, obviously. so i took the food to my parents' house. they were all by the pool. so i ate inside at the kitchen table. my first bite into a luke cold Royale With Cheese there's a knock at the door. i figure crazy margater must've followed me or something. i go and answer the door because like i said, i'm the only one in the house the rest of the peeps were out in the back yard. so there on the doorstep is some college-aged dude. he was absolutely one of the most charming salemen i've ever encountered. he was very funny and he had his spiel down to a perfect one act play. honestly. i probably got totally scammed, but it was worth it just to
get to talk to someone as slick as that guy. 6.10.06 today was mom's yard sale at the church. she was raising money for her preschool. i think she made around $1600.00 which, is incredible because i was working the $5 Room and no one was buying anything. i think the clothes room and suzie's 10 cent room were the most popular. people would walk in my room and be all, "oh this is the expensive room." and they'd walk out. i was all, "what?! five bucks is NOT too much to ask for a kid's bike. okay?! i mean look! all the tires are filled with air! the damn thing works! now buy it! BUY IT!" people are idiots. *** i need to get rid of some books. but it makes me sad to even think about getting rid of the books. but they're just sitting in bags on my floor...and they've been there for a year. just sitting there...on my floor...looking all forlorn and messy. and they say, "jaimie, why do you hate us? why do you banish us in bags on the floor? we love you. we just want to bring you joy and...hey. HEY. ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO US?! HELLO?! if you don't do something with us quick we're going to kill you in your sleep!" books are so violent. 6.08.06 i woke up this morning all shakey. and still drunk. AWESOME.
a mild hangover hit around 3:30pm. then mr. fleegan and i went to the
Bentley's for a kinship meeting. i kinda didn't want to go but i
figured it would be a good thing to go so we went. i didn't want to go and
see a bunch of people that i don't know and then one of them say, "hey,
weren't you at the Blues and BBQ last night? yeah, you were the one wooing
every 10 seconds while drinking two beers with one hand and smoking a
menthol. we had to move 'cos you sucked so bad." the kinship thing was pretty cool actually. i've never been to one before. so i wasn't sure what to expect. it was calm and good. then the subject of blogs came up. you know, i forget that real people read this. and it's at times like that, when i'm surrounded by peaceful, holy, Jesus-loving, amazing christians that i think, "shit. i need to stop swearing like a fucking truck-driving sailor slut with tourette's." oh, but i do enjoy the swear words. *** i have mentioned many times that when i go to a gas station/convenient store crazy and wondrous things happen to me. yesterday was no different. i go in and i purchase a Mt. Dew and a small package of Combos. i needed caffeine and salt. so the guy, a middle eastern gentleman, behind the counter says, "these don't have a price." he's pointing at the Combos. so i say, "lemme go see." so i go back to the snack section and look and none of the Combos snacks have any price anywhere near them. so i tell the guy, "they don't have a pricetag." so then he PICKS UP THE PHONE and calls someone and i hear him saying, "halla halla halla combos hlaa halla." then he says it again. and again. then he spells the word combos. then do you know what he does? can you even guess? HE HANDS ME THE PHONE. "you tell him." "me?" "yes." "okay....hello?" "hello, what is this you buy?" "um, Combos?" "is candy?" "no. it's not candy." "is chocolate?" "no, it's a pretzel with cheese on it." "tell him...tell him sixty-nine cents." "okay." unbelieveable. it's not like that guy hasn't been working at that same gas station for the last 3 years. and Combos, as gross as they are, they aren't NEW, for crying out loud. who else would this happen to? who?! i live the good life. *** i have two more books i need to add to the 50 books page, but i am so lazy right now. plus they were two Dean Koontz books and i really wish i'd stop reading this pulp and actually read something with substance. and the book i've just started reading? i am ASHAMED of it. not only is it a murder mystery cop slop, but it's also set in the future (sci-fi! shit!). and it's written by J.D. Robb. and i don't expect you to know this because you're probably way cooler than me but, J.D. Robb? that's a pseudonym. and as soon as you find out who the author actually is, i'm sure i'm going to be kicked out of your Cool Club. i hope i get an awesome e-mail from liz telling me how ashamed she is of me. SHAME. i promise my next book is going to be something with some actual merit to it. 6.06.06 this must be hell day because i spent six and a half hours painting a door. just one door. okay, it was a door and a door frame, but still...it was a door. it wasn't like some kind of 15 light frenchdoor hoopla...it was a door. a plain old white door. and it took me six and a half hours to paint it. i didn't even take a lunch break. that's a helluva thing.
6.05.06 so out of the whole list i click on Bo Bice to see what that guy listens to. and see, i don't watch the Idol. i've never heard the guy sing. all i know about him is he lives in b'ham and was on the Idol and now he's famous. i don't know why i clicked on his playlist. but when i read all the crap he listens to? i laughed because i think we totally own the same CDs. *** things that will crack you up...if you're me: a couple of sundays ago at church it was Armed Forces Sunday or something...it was weird 'cos it was a week before Memorial Day. anyway, the pastor said something before church started to the effect of, "if you were/are in the army, navy, airforce, marine etc please stand up." so dad leans over to me and asks, "hey, you suppose the KISS army counts?" "dad." "i'm just sayin'" "you're sick." "you're laughing." then tonight dad and best and i are sitting around the
kitchen table and dad starts telling us about his day of plumbing. i guess
the HCH had some plumbing probs this weekend. anyway, he says this one
lady had turned in a work order on a stopped up sink. so he goes to check
it out but the lady said that she fixed it. dad asked how. she said that
someone told her to pour vinegar down the drain so she did and nothing
happened. then someone else told her to pour buttermilk down the
drain. so she did. and nothing happened. then someone else told her to
pour salt down the drain. so? "mmmm. Hidden Valley Douche," best says. "The way douche is supposed to taste," says dad. "you guys are sick." "you're laughing." **** don't forget to vote, bitches. 6.04.06 dumb song. anyway. it ended up costing me $200 to get the jeep fixed. new starter. now the thing starts so fast it's like i can start it with my mind. *** mr. fleegan and i saw The Break Up this
weekend. *** i had to work this weekend. staining a huge deck. Popsicle helped me and i'm so glad he did 'cos if i did it myself it would've taken 3 days. i hate working on the weekend because well, duh, no one likes to work on their day off. *** i've a new job now. well, a new extra job. that brings me up
to 4 jobs. sorta. wunderkind means "brainless moron", right? it's simple math. addition mostly. there's a sinister calculator that uses paper i'm sure it's called something specific, not just sinister calculator. in the '70s they probably called it a computer. anyway, it's some kind of calculator that plugs into the wall. isn't that crazy? so anyway, i'm not ignoring you. i'm just busy. *** i'm getting Moxied this week. i can't wait to get this hair cut off. i have so much hair i don't know what to do with it. it's crazy. *** don't forget to vote this tuesday. i've a feeling we're going to be stuck with Riley for four more years, but if that means we don't end up with Darth Moore then i can live with it. | |
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