| July 2006 Dribblings | |
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7.31.06 i could do this all night. Tammy and the Flesh-eating Disease while jimmy was grilling food i would change the channel to AMC, but when he'd come back in he'd change it back to Shark Week. liznchris came over and chris said that if he had to watch Tammy his penis would shrivel up and turn into a vagina. and well, i couldn't let that happen. so we watched dumb,
boring sharks. it was movie weekend. mr. fleegan and i saw Clerks II. it was funny and gross, of course. it had Rosario Dawson in it. that makes her cool as hell because to me she is the Annoying Girl in Rent, but now she's cool. i hear that she's got a comic book coming out. that also makes her cool as hell. we also saw My Super Ex-Girlfriend, which was a little long but it was better than i thought it would be. too bad i can't say the same thing for Pirates II or whatever it was called. because that movie was WAY too long. it was so long it was stupid. it was ridiculous. if they had cut out the whole thing with the water wheel rolling through the jungle scene, it might have been a better movie. that scene was so floppingly stupid it makes me hate the whole thing. we rented Ultraviolet. you want to talk about a complete waste of time, i mean, really. THEY EXPLAIN NOTHING. and i hate that. i realize it's based on a comic book series and that if i was cool and had read the comics that i would know what's going on, but also? i'm completely capable of watching Superman, Spiderman, Batman, and hell, Aeon Flux without being completely baffled by the plot and why i should care about anything happening in the movie. and sure she states at the beginning, "my name is violet, and i was born into a world you...may not understand." no shit vi, but see, i don't care about your downloadable weapons or stupid virus and human-vampire/1984 extermination bullshit at all. i just want to know why/how/whatfor does your hair and jacket keep changing colors! WHY IS THIS NEVER TALKED ABOUT/EXPLAINED? ARE YOU IN THE MATRIX?! 7.20.06 cookie, when you become a full-fledged realtor, please don't lose your soul. when i worked at the sign shop and had to deal with realtors on a weekly basis it was awful because they had all lost their souls years ago. they were absolutely evil. with the exception of sherman guyton. he was actually human, but i only had to deal with him on the phone, but he never complained about pricing or anything. the others always acted like i was ripping them off. bastards. don't lose your soul! 7.19.06 i know. but it was looking quite haggard, abandoned, scraggy, dilapidated, uncared for, horrendous. i figured it was time i should do something about it. also, Crazy Margaret was no where to be seen, and these days that's a huge incentive right there. so i grabbed a bucket (to put the ex-weeds in) and i thought, "hey, should i find some gloves for my awesome hands?" and then follwed up with, "nah, my hands are awesome. i paint all the time, my hands...they are tough as nails." i got about 1/4 of the gravel weeded when i notice my left
hand was hurting. when i stopped to see why, it started hurting even more.
and, as i washed the gash i had created by jerking up small, evil, devil
plants from the barren, uncaring, no sun getting, gravel covered earth
(how do weeds DO THAT?! i mean, shouldn't we be gene splicing weeds
with food plants so they can grow tomatoes on rocks or sand or ice or
Mars?! come on, scientists! you can grow a human ear on the back
of a rat...let's see some end to world hunger here!) and let me just tell
you, my threshold of pain is usually kind of amazing (think: gallstone
pain for months and months) but this...this finger wound...holy cannoli.
and having to wash it out? Lord, have mercy! i didn't think it would ever
stop hurting. I WAS GOING TO WEAR GLOVES. WHY DIDN'T I JUST WEAR GLOVES? on my right hand index finger i only have a stupid, sore blister. laura said it was okay to poke it as long as i put a salve on it and a band-aid. popping the blister was hilarious as the blister juice squirted out like a DNA Old Faithful. so now i've got matching band-aids on both index fingers, like some kind of Michael Jackson hand accessory. AND JUST WHAT WAS I THINKING WHEN I BOUGHT BATMAN BAND-AIDS, ANYWAY?! 7.17.06 it was so hot and evil that i had to put a dirty rag in the
back of my cap so's to create my own Beau Geste
hat. i'm sure they have a real name. you know, one of those French Foreign
Legion hats. my brother called around 2pm and asked what i was doing. i was so overheated and grim i started crying and told him i was dying. *** yesterday i was driving home and roxy was in the back seat with her head out the window. just as i got on south 11th street these hispanic douche bags (so racial!) stepped out into the street in front of my jeep and i had to slam on the fucking brakes. i hear roxy make a thump sound and a kind of whine and i turn and say, "rox? you okay?" only roxy's not in the car. apparently she flew out of the window when i slammed the brakes. i put the car in park and jump out and there she is
all...running away from the jeep at the speed of light. i had to hang a u-ey and by the time i was able to turn around she was gone. i know. it was less than 30 seconds and kapoop, disappear. i pulled into Wood Bros. 'cos i thought maybe she'd walk up to somebody over there but she wasn't around there. i finally see her in the road, in the middle of that intersection to get to the Black Creek Parkway. i know. time practically stops as i watch car after car slow down to avoid hitting my giantess of a dog. i park the jeep over at the swapmeet and start calling her and she looks over and THANK YOU JESUS AND GOD she came straight to me all, "WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED, JAIMIE? WHERE AM I? WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU?! I COULD'VE DIED!" i wasn't sure if i was going to throw up or have a stroke. or both. she's fine. she's got a little skinned place on her leg. i figured today she'd be all saggy and laying around from being all stoved up or whatnot, but no, she's all moving around and barking and eating my leftover french fries. *** dog days of summer, indeed. *** i'm starting to become paranoid about leaving the house. 7.13.06 so there i am, sitting on a stool and drinking my weight in
water because the room i'm painting doesn't have air conditioning in it,
but instead has a big hole in the wall where the air unit used to be.
anyone feel sorry for me? so this lady walks out and looks over and sees dad and i and
she makes a beeline for us. i have no idea who she is. i know she doesn't
live at the HCH. but i've never seen her before. she walks up and says to
me, "so you're still painting?" lady, i'm surrounded by old, crazy people. i'm the Mayor of Crazytown, i'm a damn EXPERT, on old AND crazy. and you have totally tripped my Crazy Radar or Craydar, as it should be called. Craydar™ "she's the meanest old lady i've ever met. i had a guy over last week helping me take the tape off my Blazer. i hate that tape, i think it looks better without the tape on so i had him help me take it off. and the neighbor lady came out and said, "are you making fun of me?" i told her that we weren't talking about her at all and that she needed to go back inside her house and she said that i was nothing but a tramp!" tape? tape? what the hell is she talking about, tape? "so i called the police, 'cos i work for an investigator and i know, and she shouldn't call a girl from Georgia a tramp." "...you...called the police?" "you damn right i did. you don't call me a tramp!" "and the police actually...came out?" "well they called me back asking if i wanted to press charges. i told them not yet, 'cos mother said i should make her apologize to me and then forget about the whole thing." "..." "but if she doesn't i'm gonna have them pick her up and she'll have to go before a magistrate judge and tell them what she done! i know! this is Alabama and you don't just call someone a tramp!" she eventually walked away. as soon as she turned the corner dad and i immediately said, at the same time, "what a fucking tramp." "who calls the police over something asinine like that?" "that bitch is crazy." "i mean, unless there's a threat, i don't see any reason why the police would get involved." "and what if she is a tramp?" "exactly! sorry honey, but sometimes the truth hurts." "if the slutty shoe fits..." what a crazy bitch. and who walks up to a stranger and
spills a dumbass story like that? honestly. she called the police?! man, the police...that's a job i'm glad i don't have. they work too damn hard and get paid nothing. i mean, sure, i hate the ones that have that superior attitude and all, but really, i think i've got it bad with crazies...those poor bastards have to deal with ALL the crazies i'm sure...not to mention all the tramps. 7.12.06 kelly came by and brought me beer and oreos in consolation of me having the worst month. isn't she the sweetest? popsicle, tinley, flippy, and i went to hear nori and barbie play at the lutheran church in attalla. it was fantastic. the coolest thing happened and it would take days for me to type it out. so you'll just have to call me to get the cool scoop. *** i think that cookie and i are going to be gay and watch my Liza DVD. i'm SO EXCITED. *** in other gay: dear half.com, i will have your hybrid website/human babies. love, *** i just finished a job painting for some very miserable
people. it was like painting for George and Martha only
without all the booze. you've not lived until you see that movie. it's a 2 hour
stomach ache. but it's one of those movies that i'll watch every time it's
on. *** i've been extra girlie lately and my new favorite song is
"Here" by Idina Menzel. it's probably an old song. it's so sweet. i listen
to it and think, "aw, this is the sweetest song! why am i listening to it?
i know it's cheese. i hope no one catches me listening to this. then
they'll all know i have terrible taste in music." as if you didn't already
know that. i guess it reminds me of Amanda Marshall only a sweeter voice?
i think? i'm entitled! aren't i? i'm a girl. i'm allowed to like cheesey sweetness! dammit! leemee alone. *** has anyone else been enjoying PeeWee's Playhouse on [adultswim]? 7.11.06 dear jimmy, are you tired of florida yet? i miss you. i don't know what
to do with out you. i mean, i do...because it would be weird if i
didn't...but it's the little things really, that i don't do for just
myself...for instance: dinner. the only reason i didn't die from apple poisoning over the weekend is that the nooges and mom and dad fed me. and let me just say, they are all wonderful people who cook wonderful things, but...they have a severe lack of apples in their dinners. tomorrow i'm going to try a new recipe. it's fried apples and Special K with a tiny bit of milk. i know! sounds pretty good, doesn't it? i'm very excited. HELP ME. I'VE BECOME A DANGER TO MYSELF. love, jaimie 7.10.06 7.08.06 i went to the Noojin's house last night for dinner. florrie
had me over since mr. fleegan is out of town. it's so much fun
over there i ended up staying there till around midnight. i know. i
should've left sooner so they could go to sleep, but we just get to
talking and tick-tock it's midnight. so i had to go 'cos i had to get up
super early the next day. when i got home only Roxy was in the fence and Kaze was no where to be found. she was probably hiding under someone's house from all the fire crackers that the NIÑOS ARE STILL LIGHTING EVERY AFTERNOON AND EVENING AND NIGHT. i figured in the morning i'd let Roxy in the house and leave the gate open and Kaze would wander back in for food and squirrels, this is how she got back in last time. i woke up this morning at 4:30 to take Junebug to dialysis. Kaze was still MIA, but she always comes back at daylight for breakfast and at 4:30am it is most def NOT DAYLIGHT. so i figured when i got back later she'd be at the house barking at squirrels and wanting something to eat. i got back at 5:30am and indeed Kaze was back. but she was
laying down in the side yard. "oh, hell." i said. it wasn't pretty. not that you'd expect it to be, but the
last time she got hit by a car (5 years ago) there was no blood at all.
she had broken her pelvis in half (which by the way, did you know that
when a dog breaks it's pelvis, it will heal itself in a few months and at
first you think it's impossible, and later you think your dog is going to
walk like a hunchback for the rest of it's life, and then, even later, you
think holy hell, i thought that dog had broken it's pelvis! look at it
run! look at it climb over the damn ELECTRIFIED FENCE, AGAIN!
DAMMIT! this time though, there was blood. anyway, to make an extremely long, surreal, and sad story short, Kaze was taken to a vet's office and put down, as they say. i had to call mr. fleegan on the first day of his vacation and tell him that his dog was dead. Dear July, you cock-eating animal killer, You win, okay? I take back all the things I said about you being stupid and unmonth-like and douchey, okay? You are badass! You are, quite literally, the Julius fucking Caesar of months, okay? You have nothing more to prove to me so I'd like it if you'd leave me the fuck alone, and you go back to fucking your mother or whatever you it is you do when you're not plaguing me and killing dogs. I look forward to seeing you in hell, shitbag. Love, Jaimie Pickle *** in case you're concerned, i'll let you know that jimmy took
the news quite well. better than i did, in fact. i cried like a baby all
morning. i cried when i found her. i cried when i called my parents house.
i cried on the way to get the jeep. i cried on the way back when dad
drove. i cried when we put her in the jeep. i cried as we waited for the
vet's office to open. i cried in the jeep while dad waited in the vet's
office for our turn. because, i guess we didn't have an appointment so we
had to wait in line even though we were the first one's there and HAD A
BLEEDING, DYING DOG IN THE JEEP. fukkers. when she was in the fence, she was fine...a little too barky in the mornings from 5:30-7, but still, she was normal. when she was out of the fence she was a psychodog who was afraid of everything including me and any treat (usually real meat) i'd brought along to tempt her to get back in the fence. she was 2! 2! 2 dogs in one. i'll miss the sweet, normal dog. i'll not miss the psychodog. longest morning ever. then i went to mom&dad's for supper. mom was watching
some kind of Eukanuba championship thing. "oh! i'm sorry! i'll change the channel." "no, no. that's okay. it's cool." i know how mom loves dog shows. i mean, she loves that shit. besides, those things are all pretentious and all about purebreds and not ever about bad dogs who jump fences and get hit by cars. so we're eating dinner and the announcer lady says, "this is a small breed of dog but very clever. it's able to climb fences easily. in fact, it's paws are like little hands and that makes them difficult to contain. certainly not a breed for everyone. they're very excitable and if they do get out of a fence they are likely to get hit by a car." i look up at mom, "unbelievable." mom's all, "I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE JUST SAID THAT! THEY NEVER SAY THINGS LIKE THAT!" "i know." "i'm so sorry, jaimie." "that's okay, mom. i mean, that is some crazy shit." "i can't. believe. she said that." "oh come on, mom. you read my blog. you know this shit happens to me all the time."
7.07.06 12am you might be wondering why i'm yelling at July. well, i kinda thought that my trifecta of bad luck was over. in yesterday's post i taunted July because i couldn't think of another way it could attack me and the house. i didn't figure on the jeep. or more specifically, i didn't figure on the musical cars my
family and i have had to play lately leading to the keys of my black jeep
mysteriously disappearing. the best part of this, the very best part of the whole thing is...i don't think i have another key. i thought i had two MORE keys for it (in the console, of all stupid places to keep a spare key. luckily the jeep wasn't locked.) but those two keys don't work the ignition...they only unlock the back hatch, which....what? i know. it's a stupid thing, but the ignition key unlocks the two doors and starts the car, but it doesn't unlock the hatch. who was the fucking genius behind that one? probably July. i'm so mad i can't breathe...or sleep. and i'm mad because, why DON'T i have a spare key to the ignition? DAMN IT TO HELL. 7.06.06 it all started with the 'fridge, 'member? all my shit melted. then it was the plumbing. and that was only 5 days ago. today? the AC. that damn thing's been threatening to break for a year now. so i guess i saw it coming. and i shouldn't bitch at all because it's already fixed so it's not like i had to go a whole day without air like some kind of unwashed frontierswoman. <singsong voice> "That's all part of being a home
owner, Jaimie!" shut up, you. i'm thinking about selling my bass, amp, and pod. i don't
use them much anymore. but as soon as i do i know liz will call all, "hey,
we need a bass player tomorrow." and i'll be all, "shit. i just sold my
gear." and she'd be all, "whatthehell'd you do that for?!" and i'd be all,
"my goddam house is falling apart!" and she'd be all, "then give blood!
stop eating! donate a kidney! but you NEVER sell your gear!" in other mundane money news: so go ahead, July, keep pushing. 7.05.06 Cookie, when this movie comes out can we please go see it together? there's no way mr. fleegan will go see this. although, he did end up watching Rent with me the second (or was it the third?) time i watched it. he liked the lesbians but not the songs. typical. wait, like it will ever come to gadsden, right? BUT MAYBE IT WILL! anyway, i thought that Liza was going to be played by
Jane.....Krakow? the lady who played the dimwitted secretary lady in
Ally McBeal (i think perhaps she's done some broadway stuff). but
according to the Go Fug
Yourself girls Liza will be played by Zooey...Deschmfffl. the funny
chick from...that movie. shut up. well it just HAS to be FABULOUS with lots of red fabric and
sequins and high-waisted pants/dresses all draped over tits. that's all i
know. 7.04.06 i went to mom&dad's and had hotdogs, smoked sausage, beans, and macaroni salad. it was all so good. it was good until the neighbors brought over a karaoke machine. i shit you not. i can honestly say that's the first time that's ever happened. i managed to leave unscathed. when i got back to the 'hood i thought i was under attack
with all the firecrackers that were being shot off...in the pouring rain.
*** yesterday the old lady i take to dialysis, junebug, fell in her apartment and broke her arm and it was thought that she also broke her hip. the last i heard (which was late last night) it was just her arm that was broken. the poor little ol' thing. she only weighs 85 pounds soaking wet. i can fit her in my pocket. *** kelly comes back from ohio tomorrow. i miss the old slut. 7.02.05 "i need to get a job, jaimie. my son was a deaf mute and he works he says if you can shit and wipe your own ass you can get a job and that's what's wrong with the church he got a job at a cement company and now he's worked up to where he's the one with the big truck and he drives to all the jobs and checks to make sure they're working. but i told him i need a car to get a job i can't walk to Attalla ever'day! you need to sell me one of your jeeps." "no." 7.02.06 * i did not write an essay for www.fleegancentral.com last week. i couldn't think of a song. i know! how is that possible? i think it's cos i haven't listened to the oldies station in 9 days. which, let's face it, is a new record for me. last week i listened to my iPod while i painted and i listened to internet radio while i worked in the office. so my cheese to non-cheese ratio was way off. ** i've been meaning to tell you guys about www.archive.org which is a great site with free live music of bands that you've actually heard of. i downloaded some awesome Bluestraveler, Cracker, Derek Trucks Band, and The Dirty Dozen Brass Band shows. some of the files are in a weird format i've never heard of (FLAC) but i downloaded a hickie and i can play and burn the files (through WINAMP, but i still had to download the FLAC hickie) so blah blah blah. laura and liz: they even have several Waterdeep shows. they also have a WAY COOL thing where they've digitalized (word?) old 78rpm records of CRAZY things from WWI songs to racial songs to just plain old shit that i love. *** i got to see my little bro this weekend. yes, i'm bragging. ** my plumbing is now fixed. again. i think. * have you ever seen The Vicar of Dibley show?
7.02.06 i have two major plumbing problems right now, right now...on
a long 4 day holiday. the main problem is a hole in the 4in drain pipe that takes all my nasty used water to the sewer. the other problem is the drain pipe to the washing machine is...i don't know what, i'm guessing it's clogged up as huge amounts of water come out of the floor drain in my basement when i wash a load of clothes. i wasn't aware that the floor drain even went to anything, i thought it was just an old floor drain that the embalmers or whoever used. i'm depressed, angry and upset and my basement smells gross. not as gross as Lola's house but still it's more gross than i want my basement to smell. and it's kind of a pain in the ass to drive over to a friend's house every time i need to pee. and hello? i'm the Queen of Bowel Movements. it gets old fast. i hope your holiday is going smoother than mine. so now i've got the basement door wide open so she can hide in the corner from the big, bad firecrackers. jimmy did think to put a ladder across the bottom of the door so that the dogs can go in and out of the basement and hopefully it will keep Roxy from dragging anything out of the basement. **** i don't know about you, but i got sucked into Broken
Trail last night and i could hardly wait to see the conclusion
tonight. and i'm not one for westerns, but it was a great story that just
made you want to know what was going to happen next. i was really
disappointed at the end though. yeah, you badass cowboys...afraid of
wimmin. but it was a great movie. i bet it wins an award. something like best mini-series starring robert duvall or something. | |
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