| August 2005 Dribblings | |
Hell Month, Day
27 as you might've read on Laura's blog, i adopted a
dog from the local Humane Society. i would like to blame
my parents, but really, i was the one who drove back, by
myself, after purchasing $45 worth of food, treats, and
toys, and shelled out $55 for the "adoption". mom and dad wanted me to get the border collie because they love those dogs, they've had three. but i'm not too keen on them because it seems that they are either really smart or really retarded, they've had one smart one. so dad and i go to get the border collie out and all the dogs are going wild, except this large dog, who is just standing there all, "these aren't the dogs you're looking for." we get the border collie, Oreo, out and she goes about 90 miles an hour 'round and 'round the fenced in area. holy crap! she's two years old, which i was excited about 'cos i thought, 'well, at least she's got all of her puppying out of the way.' very sweet, but hyper dog. the humane society calls it "playful". "dad, i really want
to check out that huge dog." and it was true. while we were watching Oreo run like a loon, i'd look over at the back of the cages, and i'd see the tip-top of her head and just her eyes as she would prop up on the fence. aw. so we got her out, she was Roxy. she was huge and only 6 months meaning, still growing, you idiot. but she was so sweet and personable and sweet and huge and sweet and loving and sweet. and she, like Oreo, was one of the dogs that had been trained by the prisoners. which, i think that program (the prisoners training dogs) is a GREAT program. it benefits...everyone. Vicki, the lady who runs the Humane Society, told me that they started doing it for the big dogs to make them more adoptable. 'cos usually people want to adopt puppies and the big dogs get the shaft. or needle i guess? but honestly, i didn't plan on getting any dog. i just went to humor mom and dad. and dad was all,
"you don't have to get one now. you can think about
it over the weekend and go back monday or
something." so now, $100 later, i've
got a dog. a huge dog. she's so big i'm worried that when she finally gets bored that she'll jump the fence because there's two spots (2 corners) that have been built up with RRties and made into planters (so stupid. the dirt is ROCK HARD) so she can jump on them and then jump on out. i don't think i would have ever named a dog Roxy, but it's really cute and she is a rockstar, so there. Roxy chased off one of Lola's feral cats this morning. YES! good dog! however, this is going to confuse her when she finally meets Toonces Whorecat and is yelled at for barking and chasing her. although, honestly, i think Toonces can handle Roxy herself. there may be some bloodshed, but it won't be Toonce. Roxy is an outside dog but will have inside priviledges. in fact, you'll be happy to know that because i'm such a heartless pet owner, on her first night, she stayed outside all night long. jimmy thought i would cave in. but no! haimie is strict! leesten, ju are just a dog, ogay? ju just need to run around and make barky-bark at people who walk by, ogay? and keel those feral gatos. today i plan on taking Roxy to mom and dad's house to play with Blue Dog and Dude. she rides well in the jeep and she's really good on a leash too! i'm telling ya, the prisoners training dogs thing is great! *** Popsicle and Kevin the
Plumber came by this morning and brought a giant
doghouse*. Kevin is a Rockstar plumber, so if any of you
locals need some plumbing call me and i'll give ya his
number 'cos he is not only good looking, he is
also very reasonable in price. and he doesn't act like
plumbing is this complicated thing, when he fixes
something he explains it to you. *d'oh! the
doghouse was Bosco's house. Bosco is Best's dog. i bought
my house from Best. meaning: it seems like she moved the
doghouse for nothing since we basically just brought it
back here! and it's a pain to move that thing because
it's SO BIG and HEAVY that the only way to get it in is
to take part of my fence down. Hell Month, Day
25 we ate junkfood and talked about everything. it was so much fun. they were even so nice and polite when i received a phone call (business) at 8pm (who does that?!), they were so quiet as i tried to hear what the lady on the other line was saying. she seemed to be asian/hispanic/french (and as cookie said, "and her grandma was probably cajun, just to make it harder to understand.") the best part? the lady's name is Nectar. i'm telling you, you can't make this stuff up. apparently Nectar got my
name from a friend of hers whose house i've painted.
okay. yay! Hell Month, Day
24 in fact, i remember one evening i was in the hall and i was trying to put my jacket on and i couldn't get one arm into one of the sleeves and i was going around in circles chasing the sleeve down and when i finally got it on i triumphantly said, "a ha!" and there she was at the end of the hall looking at me like, "and they let you drive a car?" but then years later i did some work for her at the sign shop and found out she was kinda normal and not at all the stern teacher she plays during the day. although she IS a perfectionist. but that's true of most graphic designers, isn't it? then years later she
found out i painted houses and so i ended up painting her
house. all this to say that she called me the other day. so anyway the artist lady (ms. p) called 30 seconds later and we made an appointment to meet today. she's definitely a serious artist, but also? i can see how ms. c thought ms. p and i would get along. we are totally into the same stuff. very industrial looking projects. she is, of course, lightyears ahead of me, but i mean, she should be, y'know? she's had lots more schooling than i have. so it's kind of like an
interview, right? and she asks me what my hobbies are. well, 3 hours later
we're in her studio and i'm looking at her book shelves
and i'll be damned, there's house of leaves!
"oh my gosh! you have house of leaves?!" anyway, long story short (yeah right) i hung out with that lady for like, 4 hours, and i guess i got the job. but it's not like an everyday job. it'll be a once a week kinda thing. only bad part is that it's in anniston. reefer log: Hell Month, Day
22 first thing. second thing: third thing: and i AM a sucker for a sight gag. in fact, EVERY time i think of the scene in Scary Movie 3 where the lady sheriff is getting in the car and the brim of her hat gets bigger in each scene? i laugh! i'm laughing right now! i love crap like that. fourth thing: fifth thing: the drippy globs she was
holding up so proud? two pacifiers. it was actually pretty
hilarious. thank God the lady had had surgery last week
so she was on pain killers and so was very mellow. but i
mean, it's not like you can yell at a 1 year old for
diving into paint...they don't know anything. Hell Month, Day 21 almost every night i get
out my guitar and sing a few songs. i guess you'd call
them worship songs. i mean, they're God songs...and i'm
trying to worship Him while i play and sing...so, there
you go. thing is, i'm a terrible singer. i can't
carry a tune in a bucket. and oy, it's so deflating. it's
like, "here Lord, here's a song for you...it's a
shame i'm about to hack it to pieces with my voice."
i'm mostly kidding. but anyway, i feel
compelled to sing a lot in my house. in fact, when i was
deciding whether or not to buy the house i knew that if i
did, i'd have to sing in it, and i thought that was a
strange thought, and i promptly forgot about it until
after i bought the house and started singing almost every
night. and then, one day i was talking to don, and i told
him i had bought a house, and he was all, "that's
great! that's awesome! oh, hey...you should sing...in
your house. it's important that you do that... a
lot." so on one hand:
sonofa...! and i swear my house is
mostly quiet until i start playing...then, then the house
wakes up and starts all of it's Crazy Weird Nosies That
Immediately Stop When I Stop Playing Guitar. it's the same thing every night. so i've been doing this for almost 3 months, right? and now...the thing is...i only know a handful of songs. and kids, they are getting really old. so, does anyone have any suggestions of new songs? preferably something that won't offend Jesus...too much? Hell Month, Day
20 i mowed the lawn at 8am this morning (sorry neighbors, but there was so much shade in my yard this morning that i wanted to get the mowing done before it was all in the sun. i'm sure you understand. right. like i need to apologize to you. i've got Miss Piss Bucket on the right, Condemned House That's Falling Down on the left, and Some Asshole With the Dog Who Never Stops Barking somewhere behind. so really, if there's a problem with my early morning mow, fuck you, and your little dog too.). wow, it's already Death Hot outside. Hell Month, Day
17 i mean, she was going on
about her neighbor that lives next to her has been
pouring kerosene in her yard and that it got in her lungs
and she had to go to the hospital and they gave her a
breathing treatment and some of those medicines that you
spray in your throat... and then she talked about how the firemen said that her neighbor shouldn't be pouring the kerosene in the yard and that the people in the Habitat For Humanity house just picked up and left at 3am the other day but that if i had any trouble the guy on the corner over there...there...that house right there? he's got a shotgun and he'll shoot it if you need him to he used to do that for beth when she came home late and don't be scared to be out here at night i'm not scared but you are scared aren't you? why are you scared? i don't know what you're going to do when you get married i don't know what to tell you you should call the city about this alley way and maybe they'll come do something about it where's the motion lights? why aren't they coming on? i'll bring some bulbs for it and my ladder and i'll- but why not? i'll fix it- but...well...i don't know why she's gotta be so hateful. the doctor told me i shouldn't go over there anymore because of how nasty she is he says i'll get sicker 'cos of all the germs she hasn't bathed but once since you moved in and she keeps wearing the same robe she won't even dump her pee bucket she just leaves it on the porch i can't keep anything down i keep throwing up the doctor said i still have fluid in my knee and he wanted me to have someone look at it but i know better and my bones are weak and they can't put a screw in there it'll never heal i can't heal like i used to i never been to my son's house but one night last week i woke up from a vision and i saw a man at a house with two yellow lights and i said, "lord! lord! look! there's a man trying to get in that house!" and the lord said, "yes margaret i see him." and i said, "well lord! lord! stop him! get him!" and he said, "margaret i'm taking care of it. you don't need to worry about it." and i told my son about that he asked if i'd ever seen his house and i said that no i don't know where you live and he said that i had described his house so i'm tellin' you jaimie if the lord shows me something then that means there's danger and he keeps showing me that the door to that house right there is opened and that someone is in there probably a homeless person and they probably are harmless i'm not afraid of being out here at night i'm out here all the time and i stop robberies i stopped one last week but see i go to sleep around 6 o'clock and i get up around 3 or 4 in the morning so i see a lot of things that most people don't see... keeeee-rist. i mean, that's just what i can remember. i really need to tape that shit. The Margaret Monologues. Hell Month, Day 16 today was oddly good. perhaps August is giving me a break? or just ran out of bullshit to throw at me? i'm not counting on it, but maybe time will tell. at Lowe's today, (i
know. HATE! LOWE'S!) i couldn't find the WD40. and of
course i couldn't find anyone who worked there to ask
where it was. but then there's this worker bee (a young
dude, nice looking) on one of those portable staircases?
and he's taking down all this paint off the top shelf and
i'm all, crap, i hate to interrupt this guy who is
ACTUALLY working hard at something. but what the hell. i
need WD40. and so he climbs downs
and we start walking. and walking. and walking.
and...walking and holy shit, where the hell are we
going?! we started out at the back of the paint section
and now we're at the end of the power tool section (those
of you who go to the Gadsden store can see that that is
quite a trek) and he says, "here it is." "did you find them,
okay?" anyway...Lowe's kind of rocked today. OMG. I AM IN BIZARRO WORLD! then dad
and i went to Johnson's and i said to him, "be
prepared to see people you know in here." because
everytime i go in there i see someone i know. usually old
people from the Holy House. sure enough we saw an oldster
from the HH and guess who else i saw?! that's how sweet she is. Hell Month, Day
15 well, they were having a
whole two-day marathon of Night Court. oh my
gosh! do you remember that show?! i use to LOVE that
show! so i must say i was quite smiley and happy as i
started to watch it, remembering all the characters. i made it through two episodes before i had to change it to whatever stupid motorcycle/muscle car building show was on Discovery. because you guys? Night Court? has got to be one of the WORST shows ever made. i mean, i think it's worse than Daktari or Land of the Lost. the writing? i mean,
EVERY line HAD to be a joke COMPLETE WITH LAUGHTRACK. man, i used to LOVE that show, you know? i mean, i used to beg mom to let me stay up and watch it. and now, to see it again years later...and to see how bad it was? it's weird. because, honestly, my tastes haven't changed much since i was 8 years old. i like funny things. i like seeing people get hit in the head. i laugh at a fart EVERY time. okay last night, i was watching Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law and i was laughing my ass off. hard. my stomach hurt i laughed so much. this proves my point about my not having sophisticated tastes. so for me to be disgusted with Night Court tells you just how bad that show was/is. i guess TV in the '80s
was limited? i don't remember really. other than the Cosby
Show, i have know idea what else i watched. mostly
cartoons and PBS. my brother and i watched a lot of
cartoons. who am i kidding? i still
watch a lot of cartoons. *in the mornings i have
the tv on and i don't suppose it's fair to say that i
"watch" it. it's just on. so to say i
"watched" pokemon is a little off, but the
point is i could have had it on a different channel, but
chose to keep it on 'toons. *** this morning i watched** Reality Bites while i waited for the AC Man to show up and replace my thermostat. he never showed. (August strikes again!) anyway, that's one of those movies where if it's on i have to watch it. even though i really don't it very much. i don't like the main characters, they're too...i dunno...egotistical or something. every time i watch it i like it less and less. so maybe one day it will come on and i won't have to watch it. oh! and i thought of another movie that if it's on i have to watch it! it's the..uh, shit. i just had it. the one with tom hanks and the girls baseball team? i LOVE that one! i love it so much i can't remember it's title! **again, i did two loads of laundry and washed the dishes while i "watched" the movie. reefer log: Hell Month, Day
14 i went to Johnson's (my
neighborhood grocery store) yesterday for i was out of
beer and eggs and Auntie Mae's Cajun Peanuts. the cashier
was a bit flirty in that "don't i know you from
somewhere?" kind of way. i was a bit annoyed in
that, "we've been through this before. i don't think
so." kind of way. (she does this to me every
time. maybe she does it to everybody?) she kept staring at me and asked me where i worked. i wanted to respond in
a, "just how long does it take to ring up 10 items,
lady?! the bottom is about to fall out! go! go! go!" what? i look outside and i'll be darned if it's not pouring gigantic cat and dog sized buckets of rain. AND lightning. the strikey kind. so i get out of the
store and i'm standing under the awning with 4 old black
ladies. anyway, 15 minutes later and the storm is NOT letting up. but the lightning has slacked off so i make a break for it even though my car is nearly at the end of the lot. i figure, i haven't had a shower yet anyway. well, by the time i get to the jeep i am completely soaked. it's hilarious. and then there i am struggling to get my soaked groceries into the car. THEN i see two old ladies struggling to put TWO cartloads of groceries in their trunk and i think, "oh hell. fine." i mean, it's not like i could get any wetter. so i went and helped them and we were all screaming (the rain was too loud to talk normal) and laughing. i get back to my jeep
and get in and my hat? i've got drops coming off the bill
of the cap. right on my lap. it looked really absurd. THE RAIN STOPPED. HATE. YOU. but then i unloaded the
brown paper bags of Auntie Mae's Cajun Peanuts and they
were completely soaked and i excaimed, "oh no! my
nut sacks are all wet!" reefer log: Hell Month, Day
12 my computer? has a
trojan horse virus. *** the lady who owes me
money called and said, "hey, how about i meet you
somewhere to give you the money? that way you don't have
to drive all the way out here." and you guys? it TOTALLY looked like a drug deal. i'm sure the mall security cameras were ALL OVER THAT. hee. Hell Month, Day
11 the AC Man is coming
back on monday to put in a new thermostat. we'll see if
that helps anything. i mean, i know i need a new
one...i'm just not sure that that is the main reason that
the damn thing isn't working like a normal ac unit. at
any rate, i'm thinking that it won't cost any more than
$100, if that. so, till monday: wonky AC. so when i get home from
work (after finding out No Money) and walk in the warm
house i'm all, "i'm going to mow the lawn. that way,
my yard will look so good and i can be satisfied with
something. i'm going to be proactive, by god!" so the whole time i'm
mowing i'm all, "why do i smell shit?" i guess i'm going to have to start chasing the bastards out of the yard more consistently. i'd get a pellet gun, but i'd end up shooting out a window or someone's car. and i don't want to go to jail. but the thought of shooting these cats fills me with glee. it might be different if they weren't feral city cats. maybe then i'd be all, "oh, those darn cats." in fact, i'm not sure lola remembers to feed them everyday. but it doesn't matter 'cos i'm sure that there's plenty of rats they can kill. in fact, i've been wondering if that's why i haven't had much of a rat problem recently. it's probably those cats...and the 9,000 boxes of poison i've put out. they come into my yard so far, the fish are winning. and all this time i thought fish were stupid. well, maybe they are, but these asshole fish are holding their own so...good for them. anyway, long story
short: Hell Month continues. no money and shit on my
shoes. Hell Month, Day
10 so. the Air Conditioner
Man came out this morning and fixed the air. he added
more Cool Juice to it. it only cost me $45. i was quite
pleased. *** it turns out dad was
only 51 today. he was all, "why do you keep saying
52? have you talked to justin?" *** i got home from Popsicle and Kellyfish's b'day dinner (lasagna, of course) and upon entering the house i was completely shocked (why? why was i shocked? i mean, me? of all people? i didn't see this coming? i actually thought that something was going my way? me?! APPARENTLY, YES. THE LITTLE PLASTIC CASTLE IS A SURPRISE EVERY TIME.) to find my house incubator warm. i'm guessing that the
problem isn't that the Cool Juice level was too low. i'm
guessing it's a slightly bigger and more complicated
problem. and? i'm guessing that it will probably cost
more than $45 to fix. August? we're through. i'm done with you. may God damn you straight to hell. August 9, 2005 a
conversation i had with jimmy a few weeks ago went
something like this: i went through part of my ashtray collection. i'm going to have to get rid of some of them. *sheds a tear* i don't want to, but i have to. i'm hoping to give the ones that don't hold sentimental value to Tami and Scottie. because i think they will treasure them. i want to make sure they go to a "good home". in other
news: August! i'm still totally hating your guts! August 08, 2005 Dear August, So. It's come to this, has it? I always thought January was pretty bad, but this year? Other than a few medical bills...January was a peach. This year you win. I mean, this first week alone has been quite the pain in my neck...and throat. What's the deal? Are you tired of being the Month That No One Cares About? 'Cos if you think about it, other than a few birthdays and an anniversary or two...you're nothing. Nothing! You hear?! Nothing! Summertime comes along and everyone loves June and July and no one gives two shits about you. Look, it's always been this way. So why are you bitchin' about it now? Why you gotta be all, "HAHA! I'M AUGUST! You won't forget ME any time soon! TAKE THAT!" You aren't going to win any popularity points with that attitude. And people remember stuff like that too. So don't think that this year you can be a big ol' bitchy she-bear and next year you can be a snuggly kitten because, no. You continue down this road and i'm gonna lobby to have you taken off the calendars. And why do you have to
keep hitting me?! Is this some kind of test?
'Cos i don't like tests! Quit testing me! I mean, other
than the general madness that abounds in my life, there's
been: BUT IT'S NOT LIKE ANYONE IS GOING TO MOVE IN BEFORE SEPTEMBER. BUT SURE, YES, LET ME REARRANGE MY WHOLE LIFE SO THAT I CAN PAINT A ONE BEDROOM APARTMENT FOR $120 INSTEAD OF THAT KITCHEN I QUOTED FOR $300. YES. LET ME PUT OFF THAT PESKY $300 JOB. Then he asks me
if I want to take off friday and take his ass up to TN to
see my brother's band play at some bar. Thank God mom is taking him. AND because August goes
to eleven. The kicker: So, August, if I go ahead and say, "You win," will you stop shitting all over me? because about the only constructive things I've managed to get done so far is get a haircut, buy cat food and litter, and smoke every cigarette in the house. The last one probably being the reason why I have a sore throat. You win. Now leave me alone! Piss Off, wow. did you really read this whole BitchFest? for shits 'n giggles,
the reefer log: August 03, 2005 what i'm about to tell
you is not funny unless you've unfortunately, the commericals are local, so chances are, you've not seen them. there are a series of commercials for a local used car lot that feature a little girl asking her car-selling grandpa (whom she calls Bobo) questions. one of the commercials goes like this: GIRL SITTING ON A TOY CAR girl: Bobo can *muffled words* ..um..*5 second pause* car? CUT TO OLD GUY STANDING BY A REAL CAR Bobo: That's right Randi-Danielle! I'll trade in any car! blah blah car sales talk... all of his commercials have little Randi-Danielle garbling out words you can't understand and Bobo. and these commercials have been around for like, at least 3 years. and the kid...she still can't talk into the mic. or enunciate. but whatever, that's fine. it's just that...what bothers me is the commercial i've described above. no kidding, there's a 5 second pause in the kid's spiel. and 5 seconds of TV time is like, nearly an eternity. so my beef with it is...was that the BEST take? what is surprising about all this is that dad and i JUST NOW started calling each other Randi-Danielle. it's a cute name, but southern to the bone. it cracks us up every time, because we are mean and stupid and we have a tendancy to laugh at the same thing over and over. what was even funnier to
us was that at lunch we told Tin and Perry about it. and
they both cracked up because they've seen the commercials
and really, you HAVE to see the commercial for this to be
remotely funny. later on dad and i were
on the elevator and the door opened and there was perry
and he was all, "oh, the elevator's too full, i'll
catch the next one." THINGS THAT ARE EVEN LESS FUNNY THAN THAT someone is screwing with my mail. it's either lola or Crazy Margaret, right? one of the random catalogues came and the previous owner's name was scratched out with a pen and the part that says "or current resident" was circled. look, the post office doesn't waste time on that kind of shit. so someone's going through my mail. the thing that REALLY PISSES ME OFF is that a wedding invitation i received was OPENED. i mean, THEY FUCKING HAD TO BREAK A FUCKING STICKER/SEAL THING TO OPEN IT. i swear, the next time
Crazy Margaret comes around i'm going to talk to her LIKE
A DOG. and if it's lola? SO ANGRY. August 02, 2005 August 01, 2005 i started reading the
new chuck palahniuk book, haunted. about 6 or 7
pages into the book i threw it down and shouted,
"NO!" the premise of the the book seemed kinda cool. but i don't even want to touch it now. i don't want to see it's creepy cover; i don't want it in the room with me. i don't know how i'm going to get it back to the library. maybe i can get jimmy to put it in a bag for me. (i'd have him take it back for me, but he doesn't know where the 'brary is. he can't read.) UGH! get out of my head! stupid book! i hate you! you are EXCREMENT! i mean, i've read some gross shit before, right? i have the internet. but this...this is... i think i'm going to throw up. if i could go to a place and have part of my memory erased, i would go and spend real money on that procedure and i would leave a note for myself in my checkbook: Dear Jaimie, I know that's a huge
chunk of money you just spent on having your brain
erased. Just know that the money was well spent.
I know you're curious as to what was erased. I know I
would be! HEE! Anyway, remember the movie Saw?
Remember how outraged and sick you were after watching
it? Not because it looked gross, but that the senarios
were so sick that it made you sick to know that a human
being wrote something so fucked up? Especially the part
with the girl with the trap on her head and she had to...
But I know that you won't do that, because there's no way you'd waste $2,000 like that. Good thing you're a miser! Anyway, I'm sure you have a headache now, so go lay down and take an aspirin and rest and sleep...AND I SWEAR IF YOU READ THAT BOOK I'LL KILL YOU. Love, Jaimie seriously? |
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