8.31.06
i changed the oil in the mower without a hitch...no hot oil to the face. RESULT!

remember back at the beginning of july when my plumbing went stupid and started backing up into the basement? yay! it's happening again. perfect.
last night i got to scoop shit out of the basement. literally.

it bothers me that it happened again so soon after we blasted the pipe last time. that's not a good sign. we blasted it again. and it seemed to clear out the sewage pipe, but for how long? if it happens again real soon i guess i'm going to have to call a real plumber.

jimmy suggested that we cap off the drains in the basement so shit can't back up in there again. i told him that that isn't the problem. the problem is that it's backing up period. if it's going to back up it's got to go somewhere. if we cap off the drains in the basement then it will back up through the shower drain. and i'd rather have turds in the basement than turds in my shower.

i bet diana ross has never had to scoop turds out of her basement.

8.30.06

fiddy

i just mowed the lawn. RESULT!

so here i sit in the AC letting my sweat dry and letting the mower cool down before i go to try and change the oil in the mower. (learned my lesson, Uncle Dan!)
the reason i didn't change the oil before i mowed the lawn is that i was trying to use up as much of the gas that was in the mower all ready. cos once you tip the mower on it's side any and all gas will leak out the top and that always pisses me off.

so now all i'll have to contend with is boiling, hot oil. see, that's why you change it first and THEN mow. but not me, cos i'm too cheap and my inner-jew didn't want to waste any gas.

at least i'm honest.

and when i end up in the ER with leg burns down to my bones, i'll be sure and tell the doc that i was trying to save money.

8.29.06
my shoulder is still hurting. it hurts so bad i've become irritable. and i'm taking out my irritableness on jimmy. which, isn't fair really, because it's not his fault my shoulder feels like someone snuck in my room and performed a voodoo pain ceremony on my shoulder.

"what do you want for supper?"

"NOTHING. my shoulder hurts too bad to move much less EAT anything. LEAVE ME ALONE."

"okay."

"but i HAVE to eat something so i can take some more PILLS, DUH!"

"so what do-"

"JUST GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!"

"i'm in the kitchen."

"hey, do you want to rent a movie?"

"sure."

***

dear webMD,

my shoulder hurts. it's not a sharp stabby pain... unless i move it. if i don't move it it's just an achy pain. it hurts mostly on the backside of the shoulder. it also hurts on the front. it hurts throughout the middle of the shoulder as well.

now, it hurts if i move, but it really hurts a lot if i let my arm hang down. also, if i lean forward...the pain follows and i can feel it in my collarbone area. it's weird that way.

i guess my question is: do i have ebola?

love,

jaimie pickle

8.28.06
it was a long day. i woke up this morning with an achy shoulder and it only got worse throughout the day. now i just want to bind it to my body so it can't move. or perhaps cut it off. all i have is ibuprofen, and i've already taken the max you can take in a day. it's like i woke up old.
bah, you damn kids...get off the lawn!

shoulder shenanigans.

there's new squidbillies eps coming in september. mr. fleegan and i sometimes call roxy rox. cos it's that much shorter, right? but since i've watched this about 100 times we've been calling her rawlks.

8.27.06
the other night cookie, liz, and i were sitting around the table and cookie was telling us about a client of hers from west "by god" virginia. it was a funny story. i then said that every time i hear someone mention west virginia i always think about jesco.

liz was all, "oh yeah. i forgot about that."
cookie was all, "YOU'VE SEEN IT?!"
i was all, "how could you forget about that?"
cookie was all, "YOU'VE SEEN JESCO?!"
i was all, "yeah, he's the Dancin' Outlaw. YOU'VE SEEN IT?!"
joyous shrieks all around. there's just something about that video. you have to watch it with other people though. it's not really enjoyable by yourself. cookie said that her sister had a copy of the video and that they would watch it all the time.

we then had to share our jesco story with cookie because everyone has a jesco story about how they saw the video. we have a friend, The Chad, who one day decided to drive to WV to see if he could find jesco. The Chad stopped at a gas station to ask for directions to find jesco and the guy behind the counter said, "well, he's about to walk in the store." so The Chad got to meet jesco. he even "hit a lick" for him. how cool is that?!

so yeah, anytime i hear about WV i think about jesco. that poor, crazy SOB. oh, and every time i hear that "if you want to get to heaven you got to raise a little hell" song i always think of him. it's burned into my brain where he's dancing across the wooden bridge and holding a jambox.

he dances on top of a dog house.

oh my gosh, and remember the part with his family and they're driving cars in the dirt? and the end to "Free Bird" is playing?

it's a glimpse into another world. same planet...just, different world.

8.26.06
mr. fleegan and i played cards with the fam last night. it wasn't another S.T.F.U. fest like last time. this time we kept calling shenanigans. to the point that Flippy kept telling us to stop it with the calling of shenanigans. which led to Best and i calling shenanigans while holding our noses so it would sound funny. at one point Flippy called shenanigans on shenanigans that had already been called and was promtly accused of calling second-hand shenanigans, which was then deemed the new name of our band: Big Head Shane and the Second-hand Shenanigans.

we were then told to stop saying the word shenanigans with and without holding our noses. but we were truly on a roll and ended up with shenanabananagans. we then had a veritable shananapalooza sidewalk sale of shananabananagans complete with second-hand shenanigans that we called the shananaganza.

fiddy.

8.23.06

update: fiddy.

sue, i got the book back to the library way on time. it was a fun read, thanks!

8.23.06

this is only part one, but it's the best ep of the squidbillies. oh sure, i love them all, but this one is constantly funny. the part with the stevie nicks song KILLS ME.

there's another good ep where Early has to homeschool Rusty, and he's teaching him about rocks. only he pronounces them rawlks. "there's all kind of rawlks. these is rawlks which you throw."

8.22.06
so the bedroom renovation is done. for now. i managed to get the walls done. there's a chair rail. i know...in the bedroom? isn't that a kitchen/diningroom thing? s'anyway, the trim is white (huh, huh. trim.) and the top is a creamy-orange (heh, top.) and the bottom (skknt!) is a punkin color (BAHAHAHAHAAA! BOTTOM.). i know, it sounds horrible.

it probably is. but orange is my favorite color.
and flavor.

isn't it horrible how normal home decor can sound so dirty? yeah, i'm gonna need to prime the paneling first. oh yeah. that dentil moulding gets you hot, doesn't it? decorative wood indeed.

can you pass me the 5-in-1 tool?

i get to say crap like that all day long. but the thing is, it's not always okay to be all stupid and immature. most times i have to be all professional and businesslike. which sucks because it's so hard to keep a straight face when someone (read: everyone) asks, "how much for the trim?"

dirty paint monkey!

8.20.06
i love this band.

8.19.06
SNAKES ON A PLANE was really funny. i enjoyed the hell out of it. i hope it does well. 'cos there was less than 15 of us in the theater...and we were there on opening night.

update: fiddy.

8.17.06
the wallpaper has been removed.
i've re mudded the section with the ex-door.
i sanded all the walls. especially the ex-door.
the room is covered in white dust. all of it.

tomorrow, i prime! perhaps, if i'm lucky, i'll even get some actual color on the walls. dare i dream?

***

i took some books back the the 'brary today and ran into a lady i know from church. we'll call her "sue" because that's her name. we compared the books we were returning and she had California Demon the sequel to Carpe Demon which i read for last year's fiddy. we had this intelligent conversation:
"what did you read?"
"uh, Mockingbird and this other one. what about you?"
"i read this guidepost thing and this one."
"oh hey!"
"yeah."
"that's!"
"uh huh."
"oh wow! i didn't realize it was out yet!"
"yeah, it's good. you want it?"
"yeah!"

and she let me take it without checking it back in first. and sure, it's got a whole two weeks left on the due date, but still...to me, that's some huge trust. because i wouldn't let just anybody check something out on my library card (liz). i'm pretty anal about that kind of thing.  so anyway, i thought it was really cool that she let me have it.

***

i'm looking forward to SNAKES ON A PLANE!

8.16.06
nothing like stripping off wallpaper while enjoying a hangover.

jimmy and i are redoing the bedroom. it had wallpaper. now it does not. however, the walls are probably 2 days away from being painted...that's how much work the walls need. bleh.

this is why i don't take down wallpaper. it's messy. it's sticky (and all i use is water...i don't even use chemicals). it's unbearably slow going. and then comes all the What's Under the Wallpaper Surprise! today's surprise? there used to be a doorway into the living room! wow! what a shitty job they did drywalling over the door! but they didn't care COS THEY KNEW THEY WERE GOING TO PUT WALLPAPER OVER IT. IN FACT, THEY DIDN'T BOTHER TO FILL IN ANY HOLES OR REMOVE ANY GIANT METAL ANCHORS, SINCE, AFTER ALL, THEY WERE GOING TO COVER IT ALL UP WITH BUTTFUCKINGLY UGLY TEXTURED WALLPAPER. IN FACT, WHY DON'T YOU GO AHEAD AND WRITE ALL OVER THE WALLS WITH YOUR WEIRD MIRROR MEASUREMENTS, WHICH BY YOUR CALCULATIONS APPARENTLY THREE WALLS WERE COVERED IN MIRROR.

JUST WHAT KIND OF SHOW WERE YOU RUNNING ANYWAY?

the room is a wreck.

i'm depressed.

8.156.06.7

shut up . i went sp see jer liz play good music.

bluen  moon on tap. wiht orange slices! 'i hope o don;t have ot wokr with old poeple tomoerew.

oops bol;d/  soory.

this wil ne bad in te orninfg. you missined a god time.

shit,

8.14.06
i took roxy to the groomers today. she has been shorn. it's funny really, how strange she looks and yet...not exactly, because she looks like a regular dog. only now, without all the setter hair she once had. i love the setter hair because it makes her look girly and sweet. but also, it's 6,000 degrees outside, and she was starting to get those ass dredlocks. and the ear dredlocks. in fact, i thought she had a weird growth on one of her ears because there was a very strange mushy ball attached to her ear and i thought, "hm, tumor?" and i asked cindy about cos she used to work at a famous vet place. she said it was probably a hematoma. it felt really gross.

turns out? it really was just hair. it shaved right off. the poor thing's GOT to feel better.

so now she looks more like a hound than a setter. although i've been told that setters are hounds. but with the short hair she looks like an ol' hound dog. i think it's cos her neck looks extra long. at some angles, because of the neck, her head looks really big, but at other angles her head looks really small. she's an optical illusion.

she smells good.

i will try to get a picture posted. but since i got the new computer all my software is gone. so it might be difficult.

****

tomorrow night Liz sings at Antonelli's. so come and have a beer with me.

8.13.06
update: 50 books

i just finished To Kill a Mockikngbird. you want to hear my TKaM story? no? well here it is anyway.

i went to help dad fix something in one of the rooms at the HCH. the lady wasn't home as she was...i dunno, at a doctor's appointment or something. anyway, we go in to install some handles in the bathroom and bedroom (like handicap handles that help people get out of bed or off the toilet) and in her bedroom i notice she's got all these black and white pictures on the wall. well, i love looking at pictures that the oldsters hang on the walls 'cos usually you get to see what the oldster looked like when they were younger and i just think it's awesome and sweet to see family portraits from the '60s and '70s what with the collars and hair and all.

well, this lady had all these black and white photos of what i assumed were her husband and kids and i thought oh, she must've been a shutterbug, how cool. and i was admiring a really great picture she took of her husband and son sitting on a porch.

and i said, "wow dad, her husband was really handsome. what a hottie."

and dad's all, "yeah. can you hold this?"

"what a great picture. honestly, this guy kinda looks like...actually he looks exaclty like...Gregory Peck."

"uh huh, come hold this."

"waitaminutehere. that IS Gregory Peck. hey! these are all stills from To Kill a Mockingbird! oh. wait. are we in Mrs. A's room?"

"yes. you're a regular Nancy Drew. now get over here and HOLD THIS."

see, the dude who played Jem is from gadsden and his mom lives at the HCH. his sis lives there too to take care of mom. the sis is one of the nicest, hardworking, interesting people i've ever met. i love it when she has a rare day off and she comes outside to smoke and she'll talk to me for an hour about all this stuff she's done. it's awesome. she's done everything and been everything. she should write a book.

also she used to be a house painter in New Orleans. so we always jive on painting for a while.

also she used to own my black jeep.

she's cool as hell. i've never met the bro, but when i was in jr. high he came to the school to talk about...To Kill a Mockingbird i guess. i don't know if he ever did another movie or not.

8.13.06
roxy was good as gold at the hot rod show. someone else brought their dog too, so i wasn't the only redneck. the other dog was a sweet puppy. the guy said she was a mix between a setter and a lab, but her paws were pretty small and dainty. she looked like a beagle-hound-something. her name was Uno 'cos she was all black except for one paw that was white. cute name i thought.

the car show went well. mom was in the dunking booth.
there was a huge line to dunk her.

"what? my own baby girl?!"
"sorry mom." first ball.
"HA! you throw like a girl!"
"i know." second ball.
"powder puff!"
third ball.
*sploosh*

people kept asking justin and i to try to dunk mom and we both said no because we both knew we'd never hear the end of it. but finally i caved.

i'll never hear the end of it.

there were some awesome hot rods. when it was time to vote for the people's choice award i said to jimmy, "let's see....which one would i vote for...."
"you'll pick a muscle car," he said as i pointed at the camaro super sport. "ha! i knew it!"

i'm not sure how to take that really. did he know that because he knows me so well...or am i just really predictable?

i've always wanted an old muscle car. the only reason i haven't caved and bought one every time i see one for sale is 'cos i'm frugal. that, and i don't feel like spending my saturdays working on a car. that and my jeep sucks enough gas. i don't need something that only gets 10 miles a gallon. but know this, if i had lots of disposable income i'd have a muscle car and jimmy and i would also have awesome motorbikes. and we'd go to awesome bike shows and stand out like sore thumbs. and on the weekends we'd drive our shiny muscle car around and then make out in the back seat.

a rich fantasy life i have.

8.12.06
there's a hot rod show at the lutheran church this afternoon at 5pm! 1885 Rainbow Drive.
i think Roxy and i are going to go.

8.11.06
the very next day after i posted the thing about SG and the HCH?

SG calls and wants to schedule an event at the HCH.

coincidence?! yeah, probably.

OR IS SOMEONE READING MY BLOG?

***

the cutie that works the whorebucks at the CCA is selling his jeep. it's a red 2001 cherokee. he wants $6500 but it doesn't have AC. i thought about offering 5 for it.

JAIMIE, YOU DO NOT NEED ANOTHER CAR SO SHUT YOUR FACE ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW.

***

the coffee in my coffeemaker is starting to taste funny. perhaps it's time to clean it? how do you clean coffeemaker guts? run a pot of Formula 409 through it?

***

my leetle brather is in town! nuts to you! 

8.07.06
while watching Bloodrayne this evening:
"gah, did she HAVE to put her knee between that lady's thighs as she sucked out her blood?"

"no, but i'm glad she did."

"hee. i love you."

8.07.06
if you look up "sherman guyton" on the google search? mine's the first page listed. it's listed ABOVE his own real estate site. the internet is a weird thing.

another weird thing is that mr. guyton's campaign people called me the other day to ask if i was going to vote for mr. guyton in the upcoming mayoral election. i gave an exuberant "hell yes!"
which may have surprised the lady, but also i think she was glad to have such a positive answer so fast. she seemed like a nice lady. the only thing that bothered me was the fact that she had called me on my cell phone.

how did they get my number?

the only thing i can think of is when i registered to vote i had to give a phone number. do the candidates get lists of registered voters numbers?! cos it's not like i'm in the phone book.
weird.

the current mayor (who's been mayor for quite a long time) has been politicking at the HCH a bit. first there was the HCH's 35th anniversary BBQ. and last week he brought ice cream for the oldsters. now perhaps mr. guyton realizes that the old folks are pro'ly going to vote for the old mayor because old people don't like change, they fear it like they fear cleanliness. or perhaps mr. guyton doesn't realize what the Power of Baked Goods & Ice Cream has over old people.

mr. guyton, the old people at the holy comforter house love cake.

that's a freebie.

***

i just got off the phone with Popsicle.

"jaimie, you want to come over tonight for BLTs?"

"i dunno. i'll see what mr. fleegan wants to do."

"okay."

"he likes BLTs though. i'm the one who's not crazy about them."

"yeah. hey, have you got any bread you're wanting to use up?"

"what?"

"loaf bread? that's about to go bad or something?"

"um, i guess? you want to feed the ducks or something?"

"ha! no, we don't have any bread for the BLTs."

"you're having BLTs and you don't even have any bread?"

"yeah. i was hoping-"

"sounds like to me, you're having what they call...a salad."

"hahahahaha! actually, i don't even have the lettuce."

"i'm not sure you know what a BLT is, dad."

8.06.06.
uh mah gah!

every once in a while i have a craving. it's a simple yet not so simple craving. the simple part is that it's a smell. i crave a smell. a childhood smell.

and i CRAVE it.
i'd give ACTUAL money (not a lot, mind, but still...actual money.) to smell it. to hold it. to take a stack of FRESH purple inked ditto machine pages....STILL WET with the alcohol/solventy whatnot and stick my face into them and breathe in the (probably) poison lovely wonderfulness. it probably causes cancer in california.

if any of you can make this possible for me let me know. there's a fiver and my undying gratefulness in it for you. bonus points if it's an actual unreadable worksheet/multiple choice test of some kind.

pickle@fleegan.com

8.05.06
updated 50 books

we saw Talladega Nights last night with my parents and best. it's the third or fourth movie my mom has ever been to since the 1970s. it was a funny movie, but not nearly as funny as Anchorman.

i mowed the lawn today! first time i've mowed it since the end of April when all the winter grass i planted died. i was very relieved when my grass died. and it was such a blessing to not have to mow the grass in the summertime heat. but it couldn't be avoided any longer...not that the grass was too high or anything, nay, it's all dead and not as tall as you'd think for letting it go for 3 months...but it was looking a bit (a bit, mind.) untidy. it mostly looked that way because of the leaves. the leaves are falling off my giant tree because THERE'S NO RAIN EVER, and so now my yard looks clean and dead. i'm going to start watering the giant oak tree every day 'cos i'm getting nervous about it. everytime a strong wind comes branches snap off and i guess it's cos it's too dry.

then again, what do i know about trees?

8.03.06
i was paint monkey today. which suited me just fine seeing as how that adding machine i use as office monkey is really giving me fits. i'll be adding a bunch of numbers right? and then, all a sudden i'll get a string of numbers and symbols that don't exist on this earth. and i have to start over! it's enough to make me yell and swear at the thing. and i hate to lose my cool over things like lists of numbers and stupid space machines.

we watched The Birds this evening. well, more like we ripped it apart, in a loving way, mind. very respectful.

i haven't been reading much lately. i finished Wicked weeks ago and i'm now reading How To Kill a Mockingbird. liz, was it you who wanted to invent a drink called Tequila Mockingbird?

it's just been too hot to lay in bed and read. it's like the bed lamp is just shooting heat out. it's miserable all over isn't it? i was sweating huge drops of gross sweat this afternoon after work as i swept the brick walkway at my house when i heard a horn honk. i looked up and it was Dante Manglehorn! i waved and he waved and he shouted, "hey Roxy!" yes, he verbally acknowledged my dog and not me. it was funny 'cos the dog was all, "huh? what was that? that's my name! me!" and then i was all excited cos i remembered that i was going to get to see florrie on thursday at the St. Luke meeting when it hit me...it WAS thursday and the meeting was starting RIGHT THEN and i was in my paint monkey outfit and no shower. so once again i missed another meeting. i also missed mom's coffee klatch on tuesday. so i'm batting a thousand.

8.01.06
had to endure more bloody, bollicky Shark Week this evening. laura was over and she was all, "what is Shark Week?" and honestly, it's not like she's from Tibet or anything.

why i went with Tibet, i've no idea. i was trying to think of something far away and completely landlocked, like Nebraska, only even people in Nebraska have heard of Shark Week. Tibet is not only really foreign, but it's a plateau. perhaps that's what i was going for then when i made the snark about laura and Tibet. how about let's stop analyzing what i say, okay? it's taking the funny out.

anyway, after 20 minutes of whatever sharkshowbullshit was on i turned to LBC and said, "see what i mean about Shark Week?"

"yes."

"so repetitive."

"and gross."

"and filled with assholes."

"..."

"who cares what kind of shark killed your kid! it was A SHARK! make and model aren't going to bring her back."

"yeah, this is morbid."

"oh by all means, let's study the mortal wound to measure the teeth marks. that way we can brag that the shark that ate our kid was like, 3 feet bigger than the one that ate yours."

"and this goes on for a week?"

"yes, and it's all the same. at the end of each show they tell you what to do if you're attacked by a shark."

"and what do you do if you're attacked by a shark?"

"basically you bleed out and die."

jimmy, bless it, finally was all, "here. take the remote. watch whatever you want!"

"no. that's okay. you can watch your morbid, blood water, shark attack progam."

laura: "it's shark worship."

oh and what's worse is the shark apologetics. the bleeding heart liberal shark fuckers who say things like, "sharks are noble creatures who don't actually hunt humans as prey. if a shark attacks a human it's because the human was doing something wrong like cutting bait in the water. and sometimes maybe the shark sees someone paddling out on a surfboard and thinks it's a seal. sharks just get a bad rap sometimes." and they can kiss my huge ass because i'm pretty sure seals don't have screenprinted seascapes and Ron Jon logos on their bellies, am i right?

i mean, they have eyes! big ones! the size of quarters even! and quit telling me how goddamn smart they are and how they have incredible sensory abilities, and then turn around and say that they "accidentally" attack humans and fiberglass surf boards a la murky water. i don't want to hear it.

sharks attack humans because
A. they're out of their mind, crazy hungry and
B. we're in their house and
C. we're pink, fleshy, indefensible snack crackers

and people freak out all, "OMG! we're going to the beach and there's been 8 shark attacks THIS YEAR in the Gulf! it's crazy!"

no, no it isn't. that's...nature. now, if there were 8 shark attacks in Nebraska or Tibet...that would be crazy.