9.30.07
fiddy.

i updated the fiddy, but was not able to write all of my "reviews". sorry, but i'm still working a lot and the RBC house is still there with work needing to be done and i'm just too tired to write anything else.

i love you.

***

the Judy Blume Lady came back to the library on saturday. she tossed the Little House book on the desk in front of me and said, "i told you she wouldn't like it."

this? this pissed me off. she tossed the book. it hit the desk. loud. and it startled me. cos i was typing up new applications and i did not see her approach the desk. and then? to be all, "i told you..." well that did not go over well with me. so what did i do?

i just looked at her. didn't say a thing.

so she says, "she just really likes those Judy Blume books."

"..."

"if there was just some book or some way you could look up books that are like Judy Blume books..."

"do you have the internet at home?"

"yes."

"then you can look up what books are similar to Judy Blume's books. and? i also suggest that you bring your daughter to the library next time so she can choose her own books."

yes, i was that snotty. i'm not helping this woman ever again.

so she leaves and comes back an hour later with her daughter. and she marches up to the desk with a Betsy Byars book.

"the internet says Betsy Byars is like Judy Blume!"

"...does it."

"yeah, have you ever heard of Betsy Byars?"

"um, are you sure that's a level 5 book?"

she says to the daughter, "tell her you hated that other book."

the daughter says, "i only read 6 pages of it."

that's it. i'm out. i'm pretty certain the book they checked out wasn't a 5th grade book...more like 3rd or 4th, but screw it. i'm done with that lady.

9.26.07

my right eye has been twitching for days. is that a signifier for stress? nah, couldn't be. what've i got to be stressed about?

it's probably too much caffeine.

**

i think i know why i've been so bitchy lately...i noticed the gigrando full moon...i'm thinking it's PMS.

**

the full moon has brought out the DAs to the 'brary and the idiotas to the car drivers in the opposite lane. i've been nearly side swiped 3 times this week. and no, i'm not the one too close to the yellow line. my car is completely within my lane, i assure you.

the library shenanigans has been on. i've lied to two people this week. i've had to deal with two very dense individuals and my only course of action was to lie. one was a guy on the phone who would not understand that he could NOT buy our Hardy Boys books.

"hey, i seen on your sign you got a booksale going on?"

"yes sir."

"you sellin' any Hardy Boys books?"

"no sir, we don't usually have many kids books in the sale."

"well do you know if there's any Hardy Boys books for sale?"

"....there are no Hardy Boys books for sale."

"in your booksale?"

"none. for sale. if you have a library card with us you can check out some Hardy Boys books."

"well, that's just as good!"

"...is it?" (i'm wincing here.)

"how many do you have?"

"how many...Hardy Boys books do we have?"

"yeah! i'm lookin' for about 50 of them."

"do you have a library card with us?"

"no, how do you get one?"

i tell him what he needs to bring. that part is boring so why write the dialogue for that.

"so how many Hardy Boys books do you think you have?"

"we have... all of them."

now, we've like, 5 shelves full of Hardy Boys, right? i'm sure we don't have all of them, but at the same time, how could we not have all them?

"you have them all?!"

"yes. yes we do."

"really?"

"mhmm."

"i've looked all over Gadsden and couldn't find nowhere that had them."

"no kidding."

"i even tried the internet."

"you...couldn't find them on the internet?"

"not on ebay."

"did you try amazon?"

"no. i guess i could try there though."

"that would be a good idea."

"'k thanks!"

the other lie i told was to a lady whom i never should have attempted to help in the first place for these reasons:

1. she was an idiot, and it was obvious right away.

2. she was picking out books for her daughter to read for school, and she did not have her daughter with her. and it "gets my goat" (and trust you me, you do NOT want to get MY goat. you dirty goat getters.) when parents, usually it's moms, come in and pick out books for their kids. hey, i know it's not always convenient to take your children with you out in public, i get that, but when it's to get books for them to read? either

A. ask them what they want before you leave or

B. have some kind of idea about what your kid is into or

C. hey, wouldn't it be novel if you brought your kid with you and had them pick out what they want to read, you stupid idiot lady who has obviously never read a book in her life.

3. i've been a little pissy lately so maybe i shouldn't have tried to help the stupid woman.

so here's how it all went down and i lied to a stranger:

lady comes in, right? and she comes up to the desk and says, "my daughter has read ALL the Judy Blume books you have, and she did really well on the AR tests for those. but y'all don't have any more Judy Blume books. so is there any other books like Judy Blume books that she could read?"

i say, "that's a very good question." because it is. Ms. Blume is awesome at writing for kids. awesome. but right off hand i couldn't think of any other kids' books about starting your period, masturbation, pain-in-the-ass siblings, divorced/dead parents, moving to a new school, being kinda jewish, or losing your virginity. sorry, i just couldn't think of a single other author who's written anything like that. in fact, i still can't. what can you say, Judy Blume is one of a kind.

"are you sure she's read them all? we've tons of those."

"yes. she's read all of them. and she was able to comprehend them and she did so well on the tests. she's reading at a 5th grade level, you know."

"oh? what grade is she in?"

"she's in 5th grade."

the hell? is she bragging that her 5th grader is reading at a 5th grade level?

isn't she supposed to be? am i missing something?

so my coworker says, "what about beverly cleary?"

and the lady is all, "she read those last year."

plus, most of the cleary books are for younger kids. this girl is in 5th grade and has to read books worth at least 5 points and no more than 6.2. the AR program is worthless and everyone hates it, but what are you gonna do?

so then we suggest Nancy Drew because most of the Nancys are 5th grade level, and i know, weren't we all reading those in 2nd grade? so i take the lady to the stacks to show her the Nancy Drew books and she asks, "why do you think Nancy Drew?"

"what do you mean?"

"is Nancy Drew like Judy Blume?"

"um, ...no? what?"

"why did that lady suggest Nancy Drew?"

"because it's the same level as the Judy Blume books your daughter read so the comprehension should be the same."

"but are they the same kind of books?"

"well, no. Judy Blume writes about... growing up and the Nancy Drews are mysteries, is that what you mean?"

"then why do you think my daughter would like Nancy Drew books when she likes Judy Blume books?"

keeeeee-rist.

"how do you know she won't? i like both of them. everyone likes Nancy Drew. didn't you?"

"i don't remember those books."

at this point i'm doubting that the lady even knows how to read. also at this point she is going through the binder of her daughter's school to see what point value the AR books have. the books listed are of course, listed in alpha order by the author's last name. i'm certain you can see where this is going.

"i promise you, lots of girls read Nancy Drew. we check them in and out every day. just pick one and if your daughter likes it, just think, there's 200 of them to choose from! she'll have enough to last her her whole 5th grade year! and check it out, they've even written new ones so your daughter won't have to read the ones from the '30s that we read, Nancy's got a computer and stuff now."

"i can't find Nancy Drew in this list anywhere! maybe she's not on the AR list."

"she's on the AR list. are you-"

"there's nothing under Drew!"

*sigh* "Nancy Drew is the character."

"she didn't write her own books?"

"...no ma'am. Carolyn Keene is the name of-"

"she really likes the Judy Blume books though."

"i understand that. i'm trying to help you find other books that are at your daughter's reading level. if you don't want to try a Nancy Drew book, and i don't know why you wouldn't, what harm could there be? you might try some of the Little House books. i know most of them are fairly easy, but i think she wrote a couple for older kids."

"oh! Little House! my other daughter loved those!"

"well good. let's see if-"

"now who wrote those i wonder?"

"i believe it was little Laura Ingalls-"

"oh yeah! i loved that show!"

"...Wilder. Half pint wrote the books."

"really? wait, there's no Ingalls in here."

"that's because she married Almanzo Wilder."

"what?"

"it's Laura Ingalls Wilder."

(and i just want you guys to know, i've only seen 3 episodes of that show in my life, and i've never read the books. but even i know who the hell half pint married, sheezus.)

"just like in the show!"

"just like."

i go and get one of the books that's level 5 and the lady says, "oh no, that book is too thick."

"well it's...i mean, the letters are nearly an inch tall here. it looks big but it's really-"

"no, she'll never want to read that with it so big and all."

"but it's not really that-"

"she won't read it."

so now i'm tired of dealing with Miss Unhelpable, and i've already spent too much time trying to help a lady who obviously doesn't think my advice is worthwhile, so i start to say something like, "i'll leave you to it. i've got to get back to the desk."

but she says, "i just wish there were more Judy Blume books she could read."

a little part of me dies inside. and i actually turn into the Incredible Hulk, and i crush her skull and smash her into the proverbial smithereens. well, not really, it was more like an Ally McBeal moment. but i am seething because: dead horse beating going on over here.

so i says to her i says, "look. Judy Blume is dead. She won't be writing any more kids books, okay? you need to move on, and pick something else out for your daughter or better yet, let her come pick out something."

and i left her in the stacks lamenting the death of Judy Blume.

only, the thing is?

Judy Blume isn't actually dead. in fact, she has a blog.

Dear Judy Blume,

Hi. Yesterday I told a lady you were dead. I'm sorry. I know it's rude to lie, and it's horrible that I lied about something like death, but I think that given the circumstances you wouldn't mind too much. Besides, I'm certain that if that lady knew what it was you actually wrote about she'd be one of those crazy bitches who'd try to ban your books.

Anyway, sorry about the lie.

Love,

Jaimie

9.25.07

the RBC house is coming along faster than i thought it would. i'm already picking out paint colors. it's weird to pick out paint colors for your own house. at least, it is to me. i'm usually helping people pick out colors for their houses. and by "helping" i mean that they say, "what about this color?"

and i say, "mhmm, that's a color."

and they say, "ooh, look at this one, what do you think?"

and i say, "that is pretty. isn't it."

because the reality of it is i don't give a rat's ass what color you want. i just want you to pick one out so i can put it on your wall and you can pay me money to do it. now, if you're a friend, i take more time if you're concerned about colors. really i do. seriously. like just last night i helped Flippy with her colors. but she had half the battle won already cos she knew what colors she wanted...it was the shades of color i helped out with. so no biggie, that one. and? she wasn't all dramatic about it like some people are. my god, some people are like, "but what if it's too green?"

"well, if it's too green i suppose the world will stop spinning and the earth will pretty much die. quite the predicament. if only it were possible to paint over something that's already been painted." feh.

and the ones that haven't picked out a color kill me. i mean, shouldn't you pick out your damn paint BEFORE you hire the housepainter? i'm not an interior designer.(and i tell people that all the time.) i'm the labor. the grunt. would you ask the mexican guy who's painting your house what color he thinks would look good? hmm? would you? because i think you're asking me because i'm a girl.

and, and, AND? on the occassions where i do try and help the helpless with their paint choices? they NEVER take my advice anyway. it's like, "jaimie, can you come over again and look at these paint swatches and help me pick one again and i promise this time i'll really pick one?"

"sure. you should totally use the reddish one in a flat for this room. no doubt."

"okay. thanks."

then? when i get there to paint? "jaimie, i called a friend and she said to get the yellowy one in an eggshell so that's what i got. what do you think?"

i think you're a goddam retard, but as long as you're paying me i don't care if i'm painting your walls with hot dog mustard and exorcism vomit.

***

ooh, venty wasn't i?

***

for the last two weeks we've been working on the RBC house everyday either after work, in my case before work, and of course on the weekends. things are really moving and it's terrifying because: no money. feh.

the sad part is i've only seen jimmy for like, an hour a day. i'll see him ten minutes in the morning and then i'll see him at home for 40 minutes before we go to sleep. so we've been communicating through notes we leave each other on the couch by his laptop.

and at first, the notes were cutesy. like a typical note from me would be:

dear boba fett,

after work i'm going to finish taking down the paneling at the other house. i hope you have an awesome day and i can't wait to see you later! i miss you already!

love,

mrs. fett

after a while it was more like:

Crazy J,

i'm getting off early and i'll be at the house working. i got some prices on plywood, they're on the table. there's pizza in the 'fridge!

love,

jamoo

now it's more like:

hey,

i'm at the house. no dinner tonight. you need to call the lumber yard, and put the laundry that's in the washer in the dryer, okay?

see ya

pretty soon it'll be:

hey, 

we need milk and beer.
i'll see you sometime in...2008.

me

9.19.07

today i met my new Conversation Partner. i can't remember if i've blogged about the CP program before so lemme 'splain real quicklike what that is. the local jr. college (are they still called jr. colleges?) has an international student program and there are loads of foreign students. so the Conversation Partner program is a deal where people from the community volunteer to talk to a student for an hour a week so's they can practice their english. it's really awesome. this is my fourth or fifth semester to do it. it's really hard for me to do it during the summer months, but during the regular semester it's somehow easier.

this time my CP is a cool russian chick named alice. her english is better than the other CPs i've had, but i'm not sure if it's just that it's easier to understand her accent, see, the last two years i've had mostly asian students and lemme tell ya, sometimes their accent was quite a challenge. hee, there were times when i would ask the students to repeat something 4 times, then it was, "can you spell that? ....heh, no....not out loud...on paper."

anyway, alice is learning many different languages so she can go back to her country and be a translator for some kind of international company. doesn't that sound like a cool and interesting job? you'd get to meet so many people! and you'd be crazy important to the company!

wish i had thought of that 10 years ago.

speaking of translators, here's a clip from the Catherine Tate Show (i love this show so hard) it's her character "helen" who is notorious for trying to be helpful but not knowing how to do the things she always says she can do.

i love catherine tate. she's amazing at accents and characters. another of her characters is this couple where the lady comes home and tells her husband about the "crazy" things that happened to her that day. they're always normal things but they act like they're the most hilarious things ever. here's my favorite:

and this stand alone sketch kills me:

9.17.07

mr. fleegan and i saw The Brave One last night. it was...well, it was a movie. and i hate movies. but it had jodie foster in it. so it couldn't be too bad, right?

well. it depends if you like movies that make sense. it just wasn't very believable.

women typically don't become serial killers after a tragedy, y'know? and vigilante justice? we're just not wired that way. especially older women. and let's face it, jodie foster is getting older. that her fiance gets killed by some punks is really sad and terrible and life changing sure, but no way she's going to go out and buy a gun and start patrolling the streets at night and killing bad guys. it doesn't happen. now a guy? sure. guys are like that. kill someone they love and something snaps in guys.

and i get it, someone wants to remake Death Wish only with a chick instead. okay sure. go with that. but don't cast jodie foster for that. you need a crazy badass for that. get angelina jolie or uma thurman. jodie foster is Nell for crying outs, not charles effin' bronson.

also, i think some of the dialogue was written by 8th grade boys. nothing against 8th grade boys, mind. i'm just saying. at one point i looked over at mr. fleegan and said, "did she just say, "who's the bitch now?""

the title makes no sense. who is the Brave One? i don't know. bad title. a better title would be No Way, or maybe Things Not Likely To Happen.

and has something happened to jodie foster's voice? why is she whispering everything? that is super annoying. unless of course she's got a voice problem, then it's sad. but if it's being done for dramatice purposes...or to hide her accent...it's lame.

it's sad to me because i generally like her movies. i'm probably the only person who liked Flightplan. i thought she was a very clever choice for the evil Madeline White in Inside Man. i mean, JF as a bad guy? no way! but she WAS a bad guy. a really bad guy. and it worked! but this movie? with the shooting and the whispering and the worthless dialogue? feh. i expected better.

still, there are a couple parts worth seeing. so rent it. or wait for it to show on LifetimeTelevisionforWomen. but they'll edit out the swear words. and that's no fun.

9.16.07

we've started working at the house in rainbow city.

"what house in rainbow city?"

oh. i guess i haven't mentioned it here before. jimmy and i are buying a house in rainbow city (the city of rainbows!), but there's a couple of things that need to be done to it first. things like, take out a wall here, fix the floor there, drywall over that door cos it doesn't make sense now that there's no wall there, etc.

<tangent> i just got a beer out of the 'fridge, and don't you hate it when you get a beer out of the 'fridge and there's not as many in there as you think there should be? and you're all, "wait. only three left? but i just bought that on tuesday. i haven't been drinking lately. i wonder where..." and it's worse because maybe you're the only one in the house who drinks? so like, you can't even justify it all, "obviously mr. fleegan has had a few, and good for him, he deserves a brewski now and then as well as i." so you know it was you who drank 9 beers mysteriously throughout the week, but you have no recollection of this very thing happening. and it kind of bugs you even though you remember important things like that you went to work everyday and you've done laundry and there's not a dirty dish in the house... and yet there is guilt because you can't remember even drinking at all this week and where did those beers go? and maybe you found an empty by the computer monitor and there was that empty you found on the beer shelf in the shower this morning.

and when you found it maybe you were all, "heh. who was drinking in the shower anyway?" and you can't blame it on the cat because you got rid of the cat weeks ago-

"what? you got rid of the cat?"

oh. have i not mentioned that Toonces Whorecat is no longer with us? yes. well. Toonces and i had a bit of a falling out a couple of weeks ago. i don't want to talk about it. let's say we had 12 good years together and leave it at that.

so sure, you keep finding the empties but you don't know how they got there and you really don't remember handling them when they were... fullies... for lack of a better word. (yes, that's right, i couldn't come up with anything better than fullies.) and the only thing that makes perfect sense to you is that there's some kind of beer bandit sneaking in your house, drinking your beer, surfing your 'net, and taking your showers. it's so obvious, in fact, that you figure even the Scooby gang could figure this one out...with don knotts.
</tangent>

so anyway, i've probably been drinking a little more than usual lately what with the house situation and my inability to deal with minute pieces of stress. i'll admit it. i'm no good at stressful things, and one of the stressful things i'm not good at is spending money we don't have, as in: remodeling a house. if i come out of this alive and still married to mr. fleegan you can take that as a sign that not only is there a God, but that mr. fleegan is one of His saints.

proper recognition goes to liznchris who both worked like a hoss on saturday helping us remove the horrible flooring underlayment in the kitchen and dining room which turned out to be that awful particle board junk only there was 40 years worth of linoleum melted/disintegrated into it which made it TRULY a bitch to take up. and i promise that next time, guys, there will be beer. barring that i don't drink it all first.

9.12.07

pj and kelly and their cool friend kimmie came over and played GH II and while kelly was playing i was trying to mess her up so i said, "oh no kelly! crazy margaret is outside messing with your car!"

"shut up!" she yelled as she missed a couple of notes.

"i think she's trying to open the trunk." i say.

"no, she's trying to lick the snozberries off of it." pj said.

9.11.07

i do believe it's Mark and Tina's anniversary today. happy times, you guys!

***

you should really listen to this song. it's one of my favorites. but that's not why you should listen to it. you should listen to it because it's awesome. it's emmylou and dm, how bad could it be? bad to the bone, that's how.

this is not the same as willa cather's My Ántonia, which is one of those books i see on the shelf at the 'brary all the time and i think to myself that i should finish reading.

9.09.07
fiddy.

9.03.07
right. cover your swimming pools and put away your white shoes, it's Labor Day, kids!

since it's indeed labor day and i've got the day off (although i did think about starting a new paint job, but thought better of it as it'll still be there tomorrow, yay labor!) i thought i'd post the rest of the pics of the badass nursery job. so first right, i'll talk about the trash can.

the lady of the house had this trash can, and she asks me she asks, "hey jaimie awesomepainter, i've got this white trash can that i was going to throw away, but maybe you could do something with it so it'll match the nursery?"

so i said something like, "yeah. sure babe. i'll take a look at it." all cool-like right? cos like, i might paint a trash can and i might not, you know?

what i actually said was probably something like, "i'm on it!"

i started with this.

so i grabbed me trusty green painter's tape wishing for once that i had bought the really thin half inch type instead of the inch/inch and a half that i usually buy cos it's more universal in it's uses and i'm rambling and i know you can't possibly care what size paint tape i have, sorry.

so using a ruler, protactor, compass, and all my knowledge of geo-trigonometric circle formulas i measure the middle of each scallop at the top and trace it down to the bottom thus finding my endpoint and taping it making a very precise cone shape. well, ice cream cone shape.

okay i totally eyeballed it. i don't own a protractor much less remember how to use one, and as for trigonometry? i remember a lot of "what's your sine?" jokes, and nothing else. but i think the important thing here is that i realize that if i knew math i could have taped the thing perfectly. lucky for me i've got an art degree and worked a couple of years at a sign shop, which is like having a License to Eyeball a Midpoint.
which i think is a 001. or maybe a 00.1

Jones, Jaimie Jones.

[wow, so far there's been math jokes and a Bond joke. you may want to stop reading now before this becomes so stupid that your brain leaks out your ears.]

so then i slapped two coats of the light pink paint on the trash can. when i tried to take the tape off it ripped the beautiful straight edge so i had to take the whole thing home and finish it there so i could use an x-acto knife to score the edges of the tape so's it would come off cleanly.

oh nice pic, james. was i drunk when i took that?

and here it is after the tape is cut and removed.

and if that's not an attractive picture of my trash can and wreck of a kitchen table, i don't know what is.

i then taped the can again. using me trusty green painter's tape size... using my protractor, compass, eyeballs... nevermind.
i taped it, then painted it with the darker pink.
it looked like this:

then i cut the tape off that to reveal an awesome design of amazing fun!

and while it may look like mr. fleegan and i are total stoners what with the Trisciuts, Reese's, Little Debbies, Junior Mints, and Munchos... i assure you we're not. we're just 10 years old when we go to the store. oh! but isn't that the sweetest trash can you've ever seen?

i sprayed a clearcoat on it cos that paint would chip off if you so much as looked at it hard. and then i took it back to the badass nursery where it looks something like this:

i can't lie. it looks exactly like that.

how could you not love that? GASP. BUT LOOK AT THE SCALLOPED EDGE ON THE WALL! WTFOMGFBI!

oh yeah. remember when the nursery looked like this?

with the straight edge?

well now, it looks like this:

let's see a close-up, shall we?

closer!

too close! back up, fool!

so anyway, how cute and awesome is that?

i'd tell you how i did that trick, but then you'd know how i did it. and i wouldn't be quite so awesome anymore. so i'll let you think that i did it with my mysterious magic art skillz. which, now that i think about it, is exactly how i did that. crap, now you know! now i have to kill the whole internet.