11.30.05
i went to the grocery store last night around 11pm. i bought beer and eggnog. pathetic, yes. and there was only one cash register open because there were only three people in the store and magically we were all in line. i was third in line.
the lady who was first had a wee baby in an uber-punkin seat complete with ragtop. the baby? he was crying. he had been crying the whole time i was in the store. the mom seemed unconcerned and really, i mean, babies cry. it's one of the things they can actually do. so bully for them, i say.

strangely it didn't bother me very much. i was just there for beer and nog and i didn't care about my surroundings. but then, there we are in line. the girl in front of me was buying margarita mix. the lady with the bebe was doing the WIC thing and i have no problem with that whatsoever. in fact, i think it's grea, and i need kids so i can get free cheese and eggs and things. but apparently the lady had picked out the wrong cheese.
which is okay, right? i don't care. except everything that is WIC-can (hee) is LABELED AS SUCH AND SO REALLY WHAT'S THE CONFUSION? but i was remarkably calm and not caring that the lady had tried to get more than the alotted 16 ounces of cheese.
FREE POUND OF CHEESE!

and the babe cried on.

and for SOME reason i was thinking about the baby and his crying and it wasn't a wail or scream type of cry it was just a constant, cranky, annoyed, "come ON, mom! i should be at home right now wrapped in swaddling clothes and lying in my cradle! not HERE! not at the grocery store at 11pm! and what do you MEAN you can't find your FOODWORLD CARD*?!"

i let her use my card.

so while i'm making up that senario in my head i think that hey, actually, i'm glad the kid is crying. for some reason it's like, a relief or something. it was so weird, like, as long as he's crying i know he's alive kind of thing. which is a crazy thought to have, if you ask me.

so the whole time, and honestly it's a full 11 minutes, i'm trying to keep a smile on my face, well, not a full smile, 'cos then you look like an idiot standing in line for 10 minutes with a big smile on your face while a baby cries. but i tried not to look annoyed or pissy, because i actually was not annoyed and pissy. like i said, it was a relief that the baby was crying. and when they FINALLY worked the Cheese Incident out the cashier lady was putting the groceries in the cart next to the screaming baby and she cooed at him and said, "oy, wee fleegan! how old is he?" or something like that and the mom lady said, "blah blah months...he's had open heart surgery."

and i thought, "ieeee! you dirty emapth! get out of people's heads!" but immediately follwed with, "well actually, that's one of the nicer ones. thanks God."

when i got home i prayed for the baby and the mom and the rest of the fam.

*i hate the fact that they make you carry a stupid card to get the bargain. just give me the bargain! i've shopped at that store for over 15 years! i shouldn't have to prove my loyalty with a stoopid card! jerkholes!

11.29.05
you would think that by now i'd be better at bowling. i mean, considering i've gone once a week for like, i don't know how many weeks. since september? long enough for the lady at the counter to be all, "hi hun, seven and a half, right?"
man, i suck at bowling. well, at least i'm consistent in my suckage. what's kinda weird is the less i drink the worse i play.

***

you know how some people have a problem with taking the Lord's Supper with the common cup? because of germs and things? and mostly i don't care, right? i mean, to each his/her own i say. if they think that Jesus's blood will give them the AIDS then whatever. maybe it's possible; what do i know?

for some reason i don't have the Jesus AIDS fear, but also, i rarely wash apples before i eat them, and my church doesn't actually use the common cup. but on the occasions where i've visited other churches where they used the common cup, i drank.

i've never heard of anyone getting sick from holy communion, but that doesn't mean it's never happened. just like i'd never heard of anyone DYING FROM A KISS. i had no idea that peanut allergies were so deadly. i mean, a kiss? are we talking about a smooch on the lips or was she sucking on his peanut butter laden tonsils? it doesn't matter. people shouldn't be able to die from kissing someone who ate a "peanut butter snack". oh sure, a "cyanide snack" i can see, even a "deadly nightshade snack" but peanut butter?

Dear God,

I know that You know best. But...honestly. Please be with her family and the boyfriend...who probably feels like a total dick right now. a bewildered dick, but nonetheless. Bless 'em.
Amen.

and part of me thinks, "well, if he knew she was allergic to peanuts then why did he eat peanut butter before making out?" and then i think, "well yeah, but it takes two. if she knew..."
but THEN i can't help but think that PEOPLE SHOULDN'T BE ABLE TO DIE FROM A KISS BECAUSE OF PEANUT BUTTER. it's PEANUT BUTTER! the only way you should be allowed to die from peanut butter is
A. by drowning in it or
B. i can't really think of another way to die from it. maybe if it was all you ate for 40 years or something, but what are the odds?
but also, what are the odds of drowning in it? or for that matter, what are the odds of DYING FROM A PEANUT BUTTER SMOOTCH?

i'm not sure why this bothers me so much. i feel incredibly blessed that i'm not allergic to peanuts. and actually, i'm doubly blessed that jimmy isn't allergic to peanuts. there's no telling how many times i've kissed him with peanut butter breath. i eat tons of the stuff. maybe that's why i feel so bad, someone died doing something i do probably once or twice a week.

11.28.05

i guess next time i have a gross, disgusting, and sad story i'll put a warning on it so you'll know before you read it that ew, gross! tina "sugarlips muldoon" sewell was none too thrilled with yesterday's post. hee.

***

five things you might not know about me:

1. i seem to be allergic to "all natural" things containing plant extracts. i break out in itchy blotches. this makes me wary of trying herbal supplements.

2. i take the New Yorker because i like the book and movie reviews. the fictions stories are okay sometimes.

3. i've never been in a fistfight. but i'd like to be in one just so i could have a story where i could say, "...so there i was on the ground crying like the complete wuss i am, oh but you should've seen the other guy/girl..."

4. i'm scared of guns. when i see a real gun in real life i get so tense you could probably clap your hands and i'd have a heart attack.

5. i don't think Mark Twain was "all that".

reefer log:
goodfellas one dog goes this way painting OMG! awesome! and the old man says, "whaddya want from me?"
treebark with saltines and chocolate this is the new rage among the fleegans. you need to thank fellykish.
rotten gross stuff um, see yesterday's post.
make origami llama llama llama duck!
she's bursting all the time i love this. so much.
gay head massachusetts carly simon concert

11.27.05
when i was a kid there was this dog in the neighborhood and the dog was a black and white springer spaniel type dog named, Cookie. (hee, not to be confused with the world famous Cookie Magoo). she was the sweetest, softest, most loving dog in the whole universe. i can't remember who's dog it was. this was before all the Leash Laws were enforced, and there were about 6 dogs that roamed the 'hood at any given time. Cookie was really just a puppy, well, she wasn't full-grown anyway. and very soon she was pregnant.
but she was so small you see, just a puppy dog.

so one day she was acting weird and she kept going in and out from under the nighbor's house. i kept calling to her because i loved that stupid dog and i wanted to pet her 'cos no kidding she was the softest, sweetest dog. eventually she came near me but was acting all strange and then i saw that there was something stuck to her butt. so i thought, "hm, what's that?" and i went to pull off what i thought was a clump of mud or something from under the house. but it was like, two green stalks...so i thought it was a plant or something. but it was purple too. and then it hit me, it was one of her puppies...the two back legs...i could see the little paws...and it was stuck...and had been stuck for probably hours. and it was green and purple and so very dead.

i remember thinking that i should grab it and pull it out...'cos it was probably not very comfortable for Cookie, and maybe there were other puppies who weren't dead yet that needed to come out. but i waited too long, because it was so gross, right? and i didn't really want to touch it because i didn't want to know what it felt like and i knew that it would be cold. it was bright green and bright purple. cookie eventually ran back under the neighbor's house.

i have never forgotten that. the greenish purple dead puppy. it's one of the grossest things i've ever seen.

none of her puppies lived and a couple weeks later i think Cookie died...hit by a car, i think.

so if i've ever been an asshole to you about getting your pets spayed or neutered...i just want you to know it's not because i'm some kind of activist or anything. it's 'cos i regret not helping out that poor dog with the dead puppy hanging out of it's birthhole, which PS, no one should have to see that sort of thing.

well, that, and i'm an asshole.

11.26.05
fiddy.

Kaze keeps getting out of the fence. we've torn apart the railroad ties along the corners of the yard thinking that that is how she's been getting out...hopping over the fence. if that doesn't keep her in my next plan is to tie cinderblocks to her.

11.25.05
fiddy books.
late last night, after an amazing dinner with the Fish fam, i came home and there was Crazy Margaret. she had some grocery sacks, and i guess maybe they had leftovers in them. she told me about this pie she had eaten and said it was the best pie she's ever tasted. it was sweetened condensed milk and blueberry kool-aid stirred together and who knows what else. she went on and on about that pie, and she kept grabbing herself when she talked about it. she talked about that pie and my dogs and some strange car that's been parked across the street and some people she saw walking down my alley and it was the most lucid i've ever seen her.

well, except the part where she said she ate some chicken and it made her throw up because the chicken had that bird flu.

she wanted to sell me sacks of dried milk. i gave her a dollar and a stack of quarters. she said she was going to use it to buy food. i know. i'm a sucker. i've been really good about not giving her any money lately but it was thanksgiving and all. and while i am cold and heartless, it's kinda hard to be cold and heartless all the time.

11.24.05
happy! thanksgiving! okay?! okay!

last night was expensive and it kinda sucked. i had a goodish time. the first place we went to was the CCA ($10 per ticket) to see a band called the Blueground Undergrass. they say they're "hick hop". we kinda thought they would be funny and do bluegrass covers of R&B tunes. well. they don't. they were more like the Grateful Dead. and that's not a bad thing. but that's not what we wanted to see.

ever.

but that's just us. i mean, "hick hop"? LIARS! i know that TONS of people love the Dead, but we don't. the songs all have the same tempo and just drone on and on and it's only fun for the band and the drunk girl in the flowie skirt who dances with her beer bottle.

the guitarist was cute though. he looked JUST LIKE laura's TV boyfriend, whom i cannot find a picture of to link to at the moment. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE, INTERNET?

speaking of beer. while there i got to try a beer i've never heard of but now want to find. it's called Blue Moon and it's from Belgium. it's good and kinda sweet. usually imports are too beery for me (now that i've switched to my water beer, Mich Ultra) and too expensive. but this stuff was reasonable and delicious. now if i can just locate some more...

***

when we were bored of that we then went to The Nut. this was, as you might know, a big mistake. i was not aware of how mistakey it would be. it was a $10 cover charge...on a wednesday night. mhuh? didn't my dad and i used to go there every wednesday? and wasn't cover like, $4? and didn't they have decent blues bands?

well, not on this hell night. nay.

the band was called Fly by Radio. and THEY SUCKED. they were an '80s cover band. sounds like fun. but in reality...it's not fun. because it = no talent. the bass player was the cheesiest cheese since cheese came to cheesetown. he was shirtless. long blonde hair and had a glitter headband.

i paid $10 human dollars to see a glam rock band?

i would've rather given the ten to a crackhead.

11.22.05
i have three library books, and they're all over due, and i didn't even complete a single one.
i am so disenchanted with the 50 books thing that i think i'm just gonna vomit and be done with it.

piss.

my reefer log is all stuff for the Squidbillies. how lame.

i'm in a bad mood so leave me alone. and if the cat jumps in my lap one more time i'm going to twist her head off. i plugged up the iPod to put some more songs on it and now i can't remember what i wanted to put on it. i can't concentrate. i can't think. i can't relax. i'm all twitchy and pissy and i haven't done any drugs, honest.

it took me over an hour to paint part of a ceiling...a 10'x8' part. admittedly, it was a complicated bit and i had to use 4 different ladders...but still. OVER AN HOUR?! that's how my day started, and i think it deflated me so much that the rest of the day sucked. i had to eat lunch all alone.
i hate being alone all day. i love being alone...but not the whole time. it's nice to get a break with an actual person in the room.

shut up, you whining whinehole.

i promise, tomorrow's post will be less bitchy and more fun! i must have PMS or something.

11.21.05
why are you afraid of God? are you really afraid of Him?
if He was standing next to you or behind you at the grocery store, would you still be afraid? or, would you be thinking something like, "oh my god, God is right there! maybe He won't notice me." if God looked right at you would you crap your pants or think, "i'm safe here. surely He wouldn't do anything crazy to me at the grocery store." well?

is it because He's all powerful? is that why He scares you?
do you think He's going to tell on you?
who would He tell?

if you saw Him and you needed a buck, and you finally got up the guts to ask Him for a dollar, would He say, "get a job."?
would you give Him a dollar if He needed it?
would you ask Him what He needed a dollar for?

if you heard God say, "psst, I need to talk to you," would you pretend you didn't hear it?
would you think you were crazy?
would you want to answer, but then maybe the phone rang and you forgot all about it. until later, and then would you think, "oh hey, did i dream about that?"
would you ask God about it later?

if God showed up at your door and said, "hey, i made these cookies, they're heavenly." would you eat one?
what if they had peanut butter in them and you were allergic to peanuts?
do you really think that the peanut butter in heaven would cause an allergic reaction?
don't you think that He'd have taken care of that before He offered you the cookie?

well?
i'm just asking.

11.20.05
so many things happened over the weekend. it's all a terrific blur.

gov't mule!
harry potter and the really long movie (enjoyable)
walk the line (enjoyable)
pre-thanksgiving dinner xtravaGANZA!
lipstick on a cat
wigs?
funky pioneer
appliance shopping gone pointless (so disconcerting)
police roadblock
"have you been drinking?"
"no officer."
met Crazy Margaret's landlord
changed a headlight on the jeep
jack daniels minis!
mrs. peacock
in the conservatory
with the leadpipe.

books read: 0

poop.

11.17.05
gov't mule concert tonight!
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

11.16.05
i'm listening to my new Fiona Apple CD a la Tami Sparks as i type this trash. it's really cool. it reminds me of Poe. not the author.

today i got my hair cut and dyed (just brown. nothing fun. well, covering up my grey is kinda fun. i guess.) and like everyone else who goes to a place to get their hair cut, the stylist styled my hair before i left. i have very short hair so the most you can do is spike it up and out and swoop and spike. so when i left i had rock n roll hair. in my paint coveralls. i had to go back to work.

i didn't want to put my work hat back on because last time i did that after she styled my hair it sounded like velcro when i took off my hat. i guess the hair product is like glue really.

so this time i left it off since when i went back to work i wasn't going to be painting but instead i was dad's plumbing assistant at the Holy House.

the old people didn't recognize me.

and then when they did it was like i had 200 grandma's oohing and ahhing and "look how pretty she is!" and "you have such darling hair." and so on and so on. i thanked them because that's what you do. but at one point i said, "you ladies are making me blush." 'cos they wouldn't stop, and the guy at the front desk was doubled over laughing at me. because i'm sure it looked crazy.

***

overheard at work:
"well, i heard she goes to those wet t-shirt contests."
"really?"
"and you know what those are."

the reason that's so funny is that it was two old, southern biddies talking. so it sounded like "way-it tay-shut cahntayests".

***

at the hair salon this old lady breezes in with a friend. she sits down and the friend sits down and the lady never stops talking, and i swear it was like Phyllis Diller had just walked in. she immediately tells us that she just came from her doctor, a lady doctor, which i thought meant that her doctor was a female, but no, she meant the gynecologist, and she proceeded to tell us bits of THAT adventure.
"i swear i just walked in and had one leg out of my pants and panties and she did it and that was that. she's from wis-CAAAN-sin. i showed her a mole that was on my...well, a personal place...and she said that honey, i can take that off right now, and she did! i love her!"

did i laugh out loud?

yes. we all did. it couldn't be helped. besides, she's Phyllis Diller, she expects a laugh.

her friend told her she should get her hair cut short and spikey. Ms. Diller replied with, "ROBERTA! you should CUT. YOUR. THROAT. for saying that!"

"skkknt."

"people would say i was a LESBIAN! and people talk about me enough as it is! oh not like i care. my best friend mark is gay. i love him. i think everyone should have a gay best friend. they are so sweet! and lesbians are okay too. anyone who says otherwise can go to hell."

"skknnt!"

then they started talking about sex and she said to the stylist, "you sound like my first ex-husband, wait...yeah the first one, he wouldn't leave me alone! he was a sex MANIAC! i used to HATE sex because of him!"

i was rolling.

then of course came talk about The Change.

"honey, i wouldn't know about The Change; i was drunk at the time."

i know that it's poor taste to laugh at alcoholism, but it was impossible not to laugh.

as soon as she left i said to my stylist, "i am so glad i came to get my hair cut today."
"isn't she great?"
"YES! i want to go places with her! i just want to sit and listen to everything she says!"
"i know! she's been my most loyal customer."
"no kidding?"
"like clockwork she comes in here every 3 weeks."
"she's fantastic. i want all my appointments when she's here."

11.15.05
okay i'm sorry, but Chili Con Cagney and Lacey is cracking me up. i hate it when i laugh at my own joke. it's so uncool. i'm leaving it up there.

i think that laura and i (sometimes liz, but not so much anymore since she's become a working girl/stoodent) are the Lucy and Ethel of volunteer work.

guess who's Ethel?

not the tall one.

anyhoo. laura asked me to help her out with some kind of Harry Potter thing for kids that the paper and some other companies were sponsoring. she was in charge of helping kids make origami owls. she knows i'm an origami master and so she asked and i said, "oh all right." and she said that she was going to wear a witch hat and so she'd be some kind of Hogwart Professor and since i already have a HP outfit from some halloweens ago that i should wear that.

oh good.

so then she said that i didn't have to dress up or even help if i didn't want to and i said that you never leave a man behind. because that's our thing. everyone knows a good soldier never leaves a man behind. there's a hilarious story behind this, but i'll let laura tell it.

SO. tonight was the big event and lemme just say, origami owls (hell, origami anything) are way too complicated for kids. so we ended up making them and let the kids decorate them. when we were finished our hands were sore and dry.

it was a pretty great turn out and i think all the kids had a great time. there was a magician. and they had HP video games you could play and they showed all three of the movies on three big screens. how cool is that?

i left around 7:30pm, and i was going home to eat food. but then i thought that since tonight was Bowling Night and i had only missed 30 minutes of it that maybe i should swing by and see everyone and maybe squeeze in one game, if i don't go home and eat that is.

but see, i was still in my HP outfit.

so it's either go home and eat.

or walk into the bowling alley dressed as Harry Potter.

i'm sure you know what i chose.

when i walked in there was a little girl coming out of the game room and she was all, "GASP!" and her face lit up and i smiled because she was so shocked and cute. and then i turned the corner and hear, "hahahaha jaimie! you lose a bet or something?"

i only bowled an 87 or something lame like that. i think it's 'cos i only drank Dr Pepper. i didn't want to drink the beer on an empty stomach. bowling alley beer is awesome.

***

the other day Kelly Fish made this candy stuff called Tree Bark. it's saltines and chocolate and other secret ingredients and it is so good. kelly, you should make some more of that stuff. or maybe go and post the recipe to the message board. because a piece of that stuff is the perfect last bite of a meal.

reefer log:
dutch boy primer is worthless
how to take the shine off semi-gloss paint if it's latex, just paint over it with a different finish like eggshell or flat.
shit pickle.com
squidbillies lyrics i think it's something like, "My dreams are all dead and buried/sometimes I wish the sun would just explode/when God comes and calls me to His kingdom/I'll take all ya sons of bitches when I go."

wow, how helpful am i today?

11.14.05
today i painted a bathroom...dark brown. i know.
but.
it looks fabulous. only debbie could pick brown and make it look like it's the most delicious color that could go on those walls. magic.
i'm not kidding. it looks fantastic. it might help that there's tons of stone tile all over the place, so don't go painting your bathroom brown and expect it to look like anything other than crap.

i had meatloaf for lunch and i burped it up all day. ew. i love meatloaf. but i don't like burping meat flavors.

laura and her friend quilla work at the newspaper. and they are in charge (i guess?) of making up these "or" questions for this new supplement to the paper. questions like, the only one i can remember is "google or yahoo" and you pick one, see? it's like a "man on the street" interview only it's very short. so i talked to laura yesterday and she was all, "we need another question." so itried to help but who knows? it was short notice.
but after the phone call i thought of some other ones:

burial or cremation?
incredible hulk or the thing?
fries in the Frosty or no fries in the Frosty?
little bit country or little bit rocknroll?
beef jerky?
grits- sugar or salt?
black ink or blue ink?
mickey mouse or bugs bunny?
frozen or on the rocks?

you're welcome, girls.

11.13.05
[adultswim]

the Squidbillies come on at 11pm central. you should click that link and listen to the opening song. i think it was in the downloads section.

and why are they showing the Brak Show? why? it wasn't funny then, it's still not funny now. if they want to bring back something they should bring back Home Movies.

reeferlog:
floppin crappie band
jeep stealth
eat my pickle.com
the freaky pickle
facking animal monkey blog that pretty much sums up this whole site.

11.12.05
there is a giant oak tree in my yard, it might be the biggest one in gadsden, at the least the second biggest. i love the tree and i hate the tree. it's so big it's top branches stretch out farther than you think. and so, it constantly drops it's payloads across the expanse of my whole property. i'm talking acorns here. acorns falling from the tops of the giant oak tree. falling at a rate of 9.8 meters per second squared. which i think if i did the math correctly that's....95,000 mph.

when the acorns hit the grill or my jeep it makes a metallic CLANK sound. when they hit the house it sounds like birds are falling from the sky. when they hit the pond they go SPLOOSH!

i need a helmet just to go check the mail.

and i won't even bother complaining about the 7 kagillion leaves. rake blog = boring.

11.10.05
so.

i hear that Neil Diamond has a new album out. it's called 12 Songs. it's produced by the same dude that did Johnny Cash's last coupla albums. so i'm thinkin' hey, that's probably a pretty good album to buy. i even listened to a few clips on iTunes. i was really thinking about buying the actual CD and not getting it on iTunes because sometimes i like having the whole CD. not always, but sometimes.

but.

the CD is made by Sony.

and so i will not buy it. not in Cd form and not from iTunes because fmeh.

i might download it illegally. might. just because it's Sony and they have to be douche bags about the whole thing. see Sony? see what happens? see what happens when you screw with HONEST CONSUMERS?! YOU MUST BE SOME KIND OF SPECIAL MORONS. UH OH GUESS WHO'S STOCK WENT DOWN? i'll give you a hint, it starts with an 'S' and ends with an 'ony'. (of course, y'know, every stock is down. so there you go.)

but.

what will actually happen though, since i'm not a fan of Neil Diamond, is that i'll forget about the whole thing and will never hear the album. which is sad because
A. it's probably great. and will probably win a grammy (that's right. i predicted Loretta and now i'm predicting Neil. mark it.) and
B. it will get no radio play because radio is like the Dollar Tree of media. it's like, sure every once in a while you find a cool candle or something useful like a shower curtain liner FOR A DOLLAR! YAY! but then you look around and realize that the rest of the store is just cheap crap made by starving kids in taiwan. and that's kinda sad.

***

in other news:
i'm bummed that i won't read 50 books by the end of the year. i'm giving it a pretty good shot, but...i'm thinking it won't happen. poop. and the balance of the universe was riding on my completion of the 50th book. sorry universe.

11.08.05

the amazing Cowboy Zydeco made this
in honor of lord stevie wonder.
this should be a t-shirt.

while talking with my Conversation Partner (from thailand) today she tells me that when she told people she was going to live and go to school in alabama they would all say, "alabama? but...why? it's no good." and she asked me why it is that everyone she's ever met in her travels has scoffed at alabama. i told her that they probably had
A. never been to alabama or
B. had been to alabama

hee. i kid.

but she tells me she loves it here and i told her that yes, most people find it pleasant. it's not all like the dukes of hazzard. we're not all hillbillies.

are we?

anyway she said that before when she would hear 'sweet home alabama' that she really liked it, but now that she lives here she feels extra proud when she hears that song. i told her that i sometimes feel that way too, and then i asked her where she heard that song. and she was all, "everyone plays it." and i was all, "you mean like, when you were in canada?" and she was all, "yes of course, i hear it everywhere."
"everywhere?"
"oh yes. it's popular."
"right, but i mean, they don't play it in thailand, right?"
"oh yes! that is where i first heard it!"
"no!"
"yes!"
"no way!"
"hahahaha yes!"
she thought my disbelief was hilarious.

***

it seems to me that i should make a part of the site Ask the Paint Monkey where i answer questions about house paint.

reeflogger:
pickle of the month club
how to paint monkey
pickle barrels
music box that plays whistle a happy tune dude! i got one for my birthday! fisherprice! i should take a picture of it!
monkey pickle painting head happy wow, what are you on?
has orajel killed anyone in the past holy shit, i don't know...has it killed anyone in the present?! or is this some kind of urban legend like the poprocks/soda thing?
what do you have to do to paint over semi gloss paint on drywall if it's latex semi gloss, just wipe the wall down to get any dust off and then paint away. if it's oil based (and why would it be?)...um, i guess suicide would be your best bet. i'm kidding. if it's oil based (on the wall) and you want to paint latex over it, give the wall a light sanding (just enough to take the sheen off, not deep enough to cut into the drywall), and then prime it (i recommend Kilz Premium) and then paint away! possibly two coats.

11.07.05
nothing much to say.
took Roxy to the vet for a check-up. she has hook worms. no biggie.

dad admitted to me today that he loves the Squidbillies.

i ordered tickets for the Gov't Mule concert. yeeeeee!

oy, but what a total rip off! they charge you for EVERYTHING. i mean shipping?! for four slips of paper? do you even want to guess?!
RIDICULOUS. "and a man of my position can't afford to look...RIDICULOUS!"

i'm having some origami problems today. i can't seem to do anything right lately. in fact, it took me forever to order those tickets because i kept timing out. WTF?

i've lost all mojo. not only can i not see the future anymore (joke), but everytime i go out on my deck at night i hear either screaming, a fight, or what could either be a firecracker or a gun.
neat.
the lesson is to stay inside.

11.05.05
i'm a carly simon fan, and yes, i know, i've read, she's a spoiled bitch. i don't care, it's not like i have to spend time with her. she's finally stopped calling. talk about someone who can't take a hint.
anyway. there's one song of hers that i love because it's got a great beat and it's just a fun sounding song. but.
BUT.
i HATE the lyrics. hate 'em. the song is jesse. and i hate it 'cos it's all, "jesse, you're a jerk and i'll never waste my time on you. oh, but hey, let's get together later, okay? just don't tell my friends 'cos they won't understand. ps. i washed the sheets."

and on one hand i'm all, "carly, carly, carly. DON'T do this! he's gonna break your heart! again!" and on the other, more judgemental hand i'm all, "you know better, you spoiled bitch. you deserve whatever you get!"

and trust me, the fact that i give serious, time consuming thought to lyrics from a carly simon song shames me more than i can say.
because it's not like she's going to listen to me anyway.

HE'S A SNAKE, CARLY, YOU BITCH! A SNAKE!

futile.

***

but then in the mid '80s she came out with a song called All I Want is You. and i like to think that the dude in the song is Jesse from the other song. and so she's saying, "i don't care what everyone else thinks. i know you're not a great guy, but you're not boring either. plus, you've got a huge penis." and i guess if carly is happy with her mandingo jerkhole, then who am i to judge?

11.04.05
50 books

11.04.05
on the first Thursday of every month there's a group that meets at the vineyard church building called the Order of St. Luke. sometimes, if i'm able to get off work a bit early, i go to the meeting. it is very strange to me, not because of what they talk about so much, but more because i don't really know most of the people and also the majority of the people are quite old. and it's not like i'm all, "old people are lame!" you know i'm not about that. i love old people. i work with old people. i think they're amazingly cool.

but these St. Luke's old people are kinda different. i can't explain it. it's like they're old school and yet, they run a healing ministry. they're really open minded about that kind of thing, and most old people aren't. well, most (all) old people at my church aren't. another way they blow me away is that they all know so much scripture. they can all spout off complete verses and Bible stories that i've never even heard of. the people are so sweet and seem so wise and quietly gentle. when they pray, they just pray. they don't get excited or shout or raise their voices, they just...speak.

months ago, when i first attended the meeting they wanted to know about my brother. i guess Mrs. Finlayson and Florrie had told them about my brother. and so they asked if they could pray for my brother. well. i mean. whoa. let's hold on a minute. i don't know these people, right? but i thought, well okay jaimie, why are you even at this meeting? i mean, would it be such a bad idea to let the HEALING MINISTRY people PRAY for your brother?
SCANDAL!
so i said that sure, they could pray for him.

then they asked ME to sit in a chair so they could pray for justin. what?! oh man. i know. and yes, they touched me. i guess, "laid hands on me" would be the more proper term. i'm not sure how it works where you pray for someone while laying hands on someone else, but i've seen it done before so it wasn't completely foreign.

the next time i went they wanted to pray for justin again. and so i sat in the chair and they touched me and prayed again. this time (i missed the next two meetings 'cos i was in anniston) they didn't pray for justin but they all remembered me (well, not my name. in fact, when they prayed for me they kept calling ME justin and praying for my brother, jaimie. it was hard not to chuckle and be all, "aw, sweet old people, i love you.") and they all asked how my brother was doing. and i was really glad they asked because i got to tell them that he was doing great.

i can't remember where i was going with this. i think it was mainly to mention that it's strange to me that i go to those meetings in the first place seeing as how none of my friends go to it (and i don't mean that Florrie and Mrs. Finlayson aren't my friends. they are my friends, i just mean that laura, liz, cookie etc. don't go to these meetings.) and i definetly feel weird about it 'cos i stand out like a sore thumb. the second thing is their quiet, simple authority that they exude. the third thing is i'm not even interested in joining the order. there is nothing in my heart saying, "yes! join the healing club! dedicate time to learning and reading their books and go out and heal people!" the only thing i hear is, "go listen to the old people. listen to their stories. appreciate them, they are my servants."

what is with all the religion lately? i bet you wish it was Cat Blog or Dog Blog. or something light and fluffy. i know i do. here, i'll tell you somthing funny so's to lighten this thing up. remember in september i told you guys about the Chicken Thighs of Eternal Peril? and remember the part where dad was all, "what kind of pie did you make us?" and mom replied with, "fuck you."? well. that has started a new thing around mom and dad's house. Fuck You Pie. that's what we call pie now, usually just the chocolate pie gets that moniker because that's usually the pie that dad bugs mom with. see, he'll say something like, "and mom made a chocolate pie for desert," during dinner. when actually, mom hasn't made a pie at all and we all know it. he just does it because he's an ass and so are we 'cos we laugh every time. but now, thanks to the Chicken Thigh Story, when you eat at mom and dad's house you might hear things like, "hey, did you make a Fuck You Pie?" or "is there any Fuck You Pie left?" and even "i got your Fuck You Pie right here!"

dinner at my parents' house is an amazing thing.

reefer log:
shaker beige paint you remember the shakers, don't you?
either they don't know, don't show, or don't give a damn about what's goin' on in the 'hood. weee!
jaimie pickle hey...that's me!
pickle porn
pickle sausage
pickle flavor
ass facking
vampire bats was supremely worse than Locusts
benjamin moore
screaming pickle movie
man facking dog ladies i hate the internets

11.03.05
yesterday was very busy. i worked. then i came home and cleaned the geedee fish pond. then Dante stopped over! yay! then he left and his wife, the Amazing Florrie, called and invited me over for chicken corn chowder. and well, who am i to turn down a delicious home-cooked meal?

then cookie called after her class and we watched Goodfellas. two funs in one night?! and on a weekday no less? i must be livin' right. even though i've only read the first paragraph of Haggai. i know. what is wrong with me?! i'm giving myself one point for actually getting my bible out and opening it to the right page.

it's been really nice out lately. great for painting. the dogs love it. they play so much now. it looks like they're trying to kill each other. and Roxy has this growl, it's so crazy, it sounds like...and you really must hear it, it sounds like a camel or llama or something. it's all, "MAAAAAAHL." just like a camel. the first time i heard it i thought she was sick or something. but no, she was just telling Kaze that it's MY FOOD, BITCH!

MAAAAAAAHL!

11.01.05
today at the tuesday morning ladies' coffee devotional fun time the world famous Tina Sewell (that's in case you want to google it. hee.) did the devotion and it was about bubbles. look, i can't explain the whole thing, okay? but the point was that bubbles are pretty, but they don't last and so why do we chase after bubbles when we could chase after something that lasts like God. so THEN she asked us to share the "bubbles" in our life.

well, as you can imagine no one said anything and we quickly changed the subject to things like pets and the internet and surprisingly, bubbles. but i sat there thinking, "gee, what is my bubble? what do i chase after instead of God?" and i couldn't think of anything at first because of the chasing metaphor. i kept thinking that i don't chase after things because i'm lazy and i hate to run. but then it hit me. and i said out loud, "hey, i've got a bubble to share." and i told them that i spend more time on my website than i do reading the Bible or praying. and how sick is that, right? especially if you consider i only spend about 30 minutes updating and checking the message board.

and it's not like i don't have time, right? i mean, here i am, trying to read 50 books in a year. i probably could've read the whole Bible by now. and you want to know something else? i've never even read the whole Bible. the Bible, which is supposed to be my holy book, and i've never read it all. do i know what happens in the book of Haggai? no, i've never read that one, and you know what? it's only one page long. so is Obadiah, but do you think i've read that one? no. heck, i'm lucky if i spelled it right.

what kind of fan of God am i if i've never even read His book?

holy shit. i'm a poser! yuck, is there anything more lame?

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