| December 2004 Dribblings | |
12.31.04 I
freaked out the most this year when: some people
who i don't even know that well accused me of drinking
too much/having a drinking problem/whatever, but not to
my face. in fact, i still freak out about it when i think
about it. 12.30.04 and? i totally want to have the OT Quote of the Day on my website. because you, OT, have the guts to say things like, "i was surpassed cos i'm not dangling a penis around and/or have my obsessive abilities focused on being the world champion of arkanoid. it's all a sham." and most recently, "i want to come home to hot meal and a clean house, and i want to beat my wife and move back to alabama and dream of "big city nights"." you have
the best sentences. **** oh my gosh. on iTunes you can get Wave of Mutilation-Best of the Pixies for $9.99....and you get all 23 songs! never has iTunes been that nice to me. in fact, usually iTunes is a total whore. case in point: i wanted to download the Essential Ozzy which has like, 30-something songs maybe? and i thought for sure i'd get some kind of "deal". no. it was a purchase By Song Only. what? hey, iTunes, if i wanted to pay retail i'd pay retail. goat farkers. reefer log: 12.29.04 ***** mom bought me some new coveralls for christmas because my other pair was really cheesy looking and also is covered in paint. i like the old ones because, well, they're cheesy. they are lightweight too. mom got me the industrial ones. she wanted to get me the new ones so bad. she was so excited. so pleased to be able to find some that were short enough for me. so happy about the coveralls she is. i look like Captain Super Dyke in them. if i don't use them it will break her heart. i mean, even if i had
long hair i would look like Captain Super Dyke in these
things. 12.28.04 okay here we go. an
experiment. see, this is why laura
is Costello and i'm Abbot. also, because she's taller.
and she's not that funny. so here's the deal. any time i type Hello Kitty Tattoo it'll be a link to the imaginary (yet real) Hello Kitty Tattoo page. sounds fun don't it? i'm thinking that this experiment will CHANGE THE WORLD. ***** the other day Popsicle
and i were listening to the radio and a local commercial
for a church i've never heard of came on. this is not a
strange thing seeing as how you cannot sling a dead
wookie without hitting a church in this
town/county/state. thing is, there was a lot of
construction noise going on so Popsicle didn't hear the
commercial very well. i hope that someday someone finds this site by googling Nolan Ryan Baptist Church. i think that would make my day. 12.27.04 but, the best search of
all was: i kid you not. and i have been saying that over and over in my head for two days. i say it when i answer the phone, i say it when the cat comes into the room, i sing it, i rap it in the shower, i sing it opera style, i say it with a british accent, jamaican accent, irish accent, german accent, french accent, italian-american gangster accent, and? i've turned it into a gregorian chant. here comes fatty with a sack of shit i told my dad about it.
he was all, "is that on your site? did you actually
say that?" 12.26.04 ***** i saw a preview for the
3rd (6th?) star wars movie. this one might not
be so bad 'cos it's got the real darth vader and wookies.
lots of wookies. like remember how many ewoks there were?
that's how many wookies. maybe more. instead of "need more cowbell" it's "need more wookies". wookie love. wookie. 12.24.04 my cat is such a narcissist. there's this mirror thing that's been on the floor (leaning against the wall) in my room for a couple of months. i just haven't figured out where to hang it yet. that silly cat goes to that mirror ALL THE TIME and just stares at herself. for long minutes. 12.23.04 i went to the bathroom and checked myself out in the mirror. first i noticed that only one eye would open, and it was quite squinty. i guess i slept on one side of my face for the whole night because one ear was plugged up (damn my ears. so faulty.) and my hair looked like i had styled it with some elmer's glue and a mitre saw. oh god. the wine. well, it's good to know that 3 glasses of wine is all it takes to kill me. damn you, gall bladder. do you remember how many glasses of wine i had at liz'z wedding? do you? i had like, all of them. and i didn't feel nearly as homeless as i did this morning after having 3 glasses last night. 3! and the first one was like, barely half full! so it was more like 2 and one half glasses of fermented grape poison. i've never had a headache like this before. also, my ribs hurt. wha' happened? when i went to work this
morning i was a zombie but we totally managed to paint
the apartment in record time. i'm just that good. about
an hour into work dad was all, "what's the matter
with you?" and i was all, "i'm hungover." when we
came back to my place at lunchtime i said, "uh
oh." note to selves: DON'T DRINK THAT MUCH WINE ON A WEEK NIGHT. WHAT? DO YOU THINK YOU'RE STILL YOUNG? YOU'RE NOT. YOU'RE OLD. AND YOU CAN'T GET AWAY WITH IT ANYMORE. SAVE IT FOR FRIDAY NIGHTS. 12.22.04 how did i not know that they did a version of Stairway?! me??! the last Heart fan on the face of the planet (my group of friends). i feel so bad for not knowing that. she sounds just like robert plant doesn't she? **** would anyone care to have lunch with me today? you see, i have the day off, and i'm treating myself to a delectable lunch. something delicious. something decadent. i'm going to spoil myself. it is the holidays and all, and heaven knows i don't spoil myself nearly as much as i should. but oh wait, i'm having an awesome dinner tonight. a dinner that i don't have to cook. it's a chicken dish and promises to be the most wonderful thing i've put in my mouth all week. so i suppose my suitably wonderful lunch should not include chicken. i guess i should have a light lunch then. but wait, i want to spoil myself! i know i deserve a scrumtrelescent lunch, something positively divine! you really should have
lunch with me. it's going to be thumbsucking good. i
promise.
what? oh sure, like i'm
the only one?
i hate when she yells at me in french. 12.21.04 i only got to see jimmy for 10 seconds today. i miss him. does that make me a mushy-hearted fleegan? 'cos i usually think of myself as hard-hearted and not very needy. perhaps i am only fooling myself here. but probably not. i am cruel and heartless, and these foreign emotions must be from all the sugar i ate today. except that i really am just fooling myself and i actually do have real feelings as i am no longer a wooden puppet but was turned into a real girl when i stopped telling all those lies. and i just miss jimmy, okay? i think that's okay. okay? okay. ***** we had the Holy House Christmas party this evening. mom came with dad and me, and all the old ladies in the lobby bragged about me to her as if i was this awesome thing that mom had never met before. one of the ladies said, "is that the girl that had the green hair?!" and then she kissed me on the cheek. as did several other biddies. my number one fans. in other old people news, laura's gramma called me today. she's probably the sweetest lady in the world. she has a great deep south accent/drawl and everything sounds quaint when she says it, whether she's talking about food, furniture or yeast infections, it all sounds so nice. old people love me. 12.20.04 YAY! YAY! TATDOW! there's a guy, named
alan, that works for the contractor. he is from Trinidad.
so he's got this carribbean/jamaican accent. and it
started snowing the other day (nothing serious. it didn't
stick or anything. it was cool to watch but also it meant
that it was really cold out. too cold, really.) and alan
said, "da weathermon, he get it wrong and steel he
get a check." so funny. 12.19.04 dentist and there were half a million for the hello k1tty tattoo, mortal kombat, hotaru, and all the regular pickle stuff. *hee the internet is stupid. 12.18.04 so far? we
have used 6 gallons of trim paint. do you
understand the horribleness of that? do you?! that means
that we've used 6 gallons on baseboards, crown moulding,
doors and windows ALONE. 12.17.04 12.16.04 12.15.04 so when i got home today at 1pm this is what i did: i vacuumed and now the
clock says 4:58pm. 12.14.04 and though it's delicious, i just hate that we're basically adult versions of 8th grade latchkey kids. only now i don't have to sneak sips of peach schnapps. 12.13.04 *remember that movie with Ray Liotta? i do. they were prisoners and were sent to live on an island. and then there was a war for some reason. i remember at one point Ray Liotta screams out, "you want it?!....come and get it!!!" but i can't remember what he's yelling about. yay! **** hi. i'm an idiot. apparently i am hungry like the wolf, no? but then, near the end
of the meal when i'm slowing down, comes the unfun part.
the part where my stomach starts hurting and i feel not
quite heartburny, but not quite unheartburny either.
there's not gas (yet) but there is a pressure in my
chest. i'm not going to throw up (yet) but i could throw
up if i wanted to. basically i have just made myself
miserable because *"before dinner" means from the time i get home until i eat dinner. this could be anywhere from one and a half to five hours. i cannot seem to break myself of this NO SNACKS BEFORE DINNER OR GOD WILL KILL YOU mentality. it is so ingrained that i don't even think about it. it's just something that doesn't happen. the only time** i think about it is when i'm sitting here bloatedly acidic and miserable. only then do i say, "why did i let myself get so hungry that i ate like some kind of feral beast? why didn't i just have a snack when i got home? why are you so oblivious?" **occassionally LBC
catches me saying something like, "gosh i'm kinda
hungry-" and she'll immediately interrupt me with,
"don't you even! just go in the kitchen right now
and eat something. bread. something." but you know what's crazy? on the odd occassion that i do have a snack? i feel like i'm getting away with something. like i'm a kid and i'm eating dessert first or whatnot. hi. i'm an idiot. another problem with
snacking is that i don't buy any snacky foods at the
store. sometimes i buy chips. there is microwave popcorn
but that is for watching movies! i haven't bought any
cookies in forever. my grocery list is usually sometimes i get eggs. i can never remember to get eggs. you know why? because Giant Johnson's Food hides the eggs in this weird place. i call it the Egg Grotto. wow. i am totally rambly today, huh? 12.12.04 there are a lot of people out there searching for "hello kitty tattoo". Dear Kids Searching For Hello Kitty Tattoo and Finding My Website Instead: I'm sorry. I have no idea how this happened. All I know for sure is that the Internet is stoopid. Also, please do not get a Hello Kitty Tattoo. I'm fairly certain you will regret it 15 years from now. Oh sure, it's cute and all. But i'm thinking that the Hello Kitty is not a timeless design. On the other hand, naked mermaids and flaming skulls? Timeless. Just a little tip from Auntie Jaimie. Love, Auntie Jaimie **** also? someone searched for 'antimatter bomb'. Dear FBI, Get on this. Thanks, JP 12.11.04 someone. anyone. please come and kill me in my sleep. so i won't have to paint The House anymore. 12.09.04 ***** so i was reading this book. i'm ashamed of it so i won't tell you the title. anyway i was enjoying it very much but it was rather long and oddly enough i did not finish it by the due date and took it back to the RBCPL* today. i was sad that i didn't finish it, but also, i wasn't excited enough to recheck it. besides, it was a new release and maybe someone was waiting for it and now they will get to read it. the book was pretty great and interesting. it was science-y and art history-y and no it was not The Da Vinci Code, jerk. but it was written by the same guy. SHAME! the only problem
(actually there were several) i had with the book was
that each chapter was a cliffhanger of ridiculousness. i
mean, yes, a chapter ending should probably be a
cliffhanger or cliffhanger-esque, that totally makes
sense. but this book? was like: OH MY GOD. THE ANTIMATTER BOMB WAS STOLEN! WHO WOULD DO THAT?! OH MY GOD. THE ANTIMATTER BOMB IS HIDDEN IN VATICAN CITY?! ILLUMINATI?! OH MY GOD. THIS GUY KNOWS A LOT ABOUT ART HISTORY. OH MY FLOPPING GOD. THEY'VE KIDNAPPED THE CARDINALS? WHO WILL BE ELECTED POPE?! THE POPE DIDN'T DIE? YOU MEAN...HE WAS MURDERED?!!?!?!!?!?! HE'S THE POPE'S SON?! see what i mean? it became tiresome and boring. and? by page 346 i didn't care what happened to any of the characters or Vatican City. *LBC they have another new vampire hunter book! ever since you gave them the other two books and i told them that they didn't have the whole series they've since bought three more! hee! if they only knew how porny they are! SCANDALOUS! why, whut would the juniah league say? it was called incubus something. 12.08.04 and? if you were cool?
you'd have that album by now. ***** referer log mayhem: *you want a picture of
my dad? freak. ***** today, this morning, i wanted to know the temperature so i went to www.weather.com only i spelled it www.waether.com and while it was loading i said, "damn," 'cos i had misspelled it. to my great surprised it loaded as www.weather.com. Dear Weather.com, I know you think you are helping people by being so convenient that you actually think for them. However, I think you should reevaluate the situation. Do we really need more people out there misspelling words and not being punished for it? The punishment in this case being a File 404 Page Not Found, see it's nothing so bad. Just a little hint to the person to let him/her know that something is wrong, and that maybe they should check the address again. That way maybe we won't have a pantload of lazy chuckleheads out there misspelling weather and thinking it's okay to do so, because you know, you'll fix it for them. What I'm trying to say is, YOU DON'T HAVE TO CODDLE US. WE HAVE BRAINS. EVENTUALLY WE WILL FIGURE IT OUT. STOP TRYING TO ANTICIPATE OUR MISTAKES. WE LEARN FROM THEM. Love, so i kept saying waether all day long. way-ther. waaaaether. like it's welsh or something. waetyllwywdyfyn. 12.07.04 my back! ow! jimmy was massaging my back (mostly the right shoulder blade, what is up, shoulder blade?) and i was making noises like, ow. i wonder if liznchris heard? and if so, what they thought. jimmy was laughing. but when i got to the KILL IT! part, he was like, "you're crazy." also,
laura! i totally had your dinner last night! because i
worked late, jimmy brought me a plate of dinner that his
mom made. i had OMG! so much food! i couldn't eat it all! and i was STARVING. i ate with my mouth open! also, i ate it cold because i was THAT FLOPPINGLY HUNGRY. 12.06.04 if i had known how easy it is to make RCTs i would be as big as a house by now. the only thing keeping me from eating the whole pan of smarshmellowy goodness is the giant body guard i hired to keep me away from the RCTs. his name is Vinnie. ***** i have to confess that
i've been calling more and more things douche bags. i
don't understand this. this is not me. things that have not
been a douche bag recently: 12.05.04 it seems that each
christmas season i'll hear a christmas song and it will
strike a chord in me (what?) and that will be my favorite
christmas song for that season and i'll listen to it all
the time. why? i don't know. it just happens. feel free to stone me. i deserve it. 12.04.04 so the guy who is helping me out looks over at his buddies and they all kind of groan and mumble about the lady (who apparently, was a customer and not the manager. yikes) so i chuckle because i remember those kind of people from the sign shop. so one guy says, "hey man, if you need to go smoke a cig, go ahead. she was crazy. i know you've gotta be craving a cigarette." and the guy responds with, "hell, she'd make the surgeon general want a cigarette!" i laughed. i couldn't help it. and then it took all of
two minutes for me to get a new phone. so easy. so
painless. so not like the last time, which i thought i
wrote a Weekly about, but i guess i didn't. just know
that if i told you the long story of getting my second
phone, you wouldn't even believe me, 'cos it's just that
stupid. unless of course you too tried to get a new cell
phone from T Mobile in 2002. or maybe it was still
VoiceStream at the time. i can't remember when they were
bought out. 12.03.04 i know what you're thinking. "gosh jaimie, you give birth to a cow just thinking about calling your ISP to cancel the service, but getting a new cell phone (especially after what it took to get that cell phone 2 years ago. all those phone calls and problems, oy!) is no problem for you? what's up with that?" well, actually my cell phone has been a giant douche bag for almost 6 months. so the fact that i'm just now getting pissed to the point of getting a new one should tell you something about my cheese moving skills. listen World, quit. moving. my cheese. so the battery will not take a charge and the dance has gone something like this for the last 4 months. the phone blinks 'low
battery' and beeps every minute. it goes on for 10
minutes. then? it finally starts charging. well GOOD-BYE Moto! 12.02.04 the cat is being a
douche bag. i don't normally refer to things as
"douche bags" (unless they are in fact, douche
bags) but this time i'll make an exception. she's trying
to ****** had a dentist
appointment today. it was more horrible than usual. she
hurt me. she hurt me bad. it went like this: for 20 minutes! no lie! no hyperbole! and the vacuum! was in my mouth! the whole time! she would not! take it out! she kept apologizing
(for the bloodloss) and she even said, "are you mad
at me?" the hell? <tangent> i just
turned around to check on Toonces Whorecat and she's
laying in the laundry basket on my clean clothes.
liznchris? you want a cat? get off, cat! yes. i'm a bad dental patient, but also? it hurts. and they make my gums bleed. on purpose! that bib they put on you? covered. in bloody bits of nastiness. rinsing my mouth out? looks like i've lost a prize fight. and then? after you've sliced and diced and polished? you razor-wire floss! and then you yell at me for not flossing everyday. well let me tell you
something lady. would anyone like to come over for dinner tomorrow night? the menu is cat and a cheap white. i'm thinking moscato. mmmm, moscato. 12.01.04 *i dunno. but when you
find out e-mail me fleegan@gmail.com okay Mortal Kombatants, go here for cheats and moves and such. fire bad beer good
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