12.29.05
i heard something horrible the other day. and now i find that it's true. the NY yankees bought johnny damon for $13 million a year, a 4-year contract (that's 52 million dollars for those of you playing at home). why would this happen? i tell you, it's all hollywood. i think they're trying to make a new "the curse" with the sox. and i think it stinks. and? 13 mil a year? no. no way. 7 at the most. i mean, he's been playing for 10 seasons already, he's 32, and she shaved off his beard. SELL OUT. ew, and without his crazy hair/beard he looks like a yankee. it's awful. remember when don mattingly refused to cut his hair and Steinbrenner (gay) went ballistic? remember how stupid that was? because honestly, has he even seen a team picture from the '70s? what is with this prepped up playboy look? gay. i'm surpirsed they still have dirt on the field at yankee stadium. hm, maybe they don't. maybe it's synthetic dirt.

of course, if the yanks gave me a 4-year contract for 52 million clams and told me to shave my head and tuck in my shirt, well...i'd head for the bronx too. maybe OT and i could be roommates. hee.

speaking of dumbass baseball, if Orel Hersheiser wins a spot on the HoF this year i'm going to assume that baseball and it's people have all thrown away their brains. i have nothing against OH, really, i just think there are better ones to be voted in who have been passed up already (Goose Gosage? hello? Bruce Sutter? yes? i know he only play for like, 12 seasons, but those were a strong 12 seasons!) and to have OH win on his first year on the ballot, well that's just hinky.

i'm worse when it comes to judging the batters.

12.28.05
poor dad. today at work he found a corpse.

LUCKY!

and for those of you just tuning in, my dad does not work in any kind of medical capacity. it's the first dead person he's found since he started working there. of course, he called me. and for the record, yes, my dad and i are horrible people.

me: hello?
popsicle: well, you missed all the excitement.
me: oh yeah? did someone bring cake or something?
p: nope. i found a corpse.
m: oh dad! oh no. man, i'm so sorry.
p: yeah.
m: oh man. that's a bad day. how are you doing?
p: i'm okay. it wasn't bloody or anything.
m: who was it?
p: it was Darth Vader.
m: NO WAY! oh geez. and i just totally made fun of that guy on the internet the other day.
p: you did?
m: yeah. remember his necklace and his gaping NECKHOLE two weeks ago?
p: oh yeah.
m: oh, and i think i told Dante what a horrible person that guy was.
P: yeah i know. i mean on one hand, dead, but on the other hand...the guy was mean. in fact, his old lady kicked him out on monday.
m: no kidding? she finally had enough.
p: yeah, she even had me change the locks out.
m: wow, that's hardcore, especially seeing as how he was 90. oh! do you think he killed himself?!
p: the coroner seemed to think it was a heart attack.
m: so he did die of a broken heart!

i was going to swing by mom and dad's house on the way home from work to have a beer with dad and to find out all the gory details, but i had to work late and didn't have any time. but i did call him when i got home:

mom: hello?
me: hi mom, how's it going?
mom: oh fine, i didn't find any dead people today so it was a pretty good day.
me: yeah me too. listen, is dad around? i wanted to make fun of him.
mom: oh okay! here he is.

dad: yello?
me: hey dad! whatcha doin'?
dad: oh, just watching some tv.
me: well, i was just wondering what you were having for dead guy... i mean dinner.

he, of course, lost it. completely. he laughed so hard he was wheezing. then he was all, "thanks a lot! i hadn't thought of it for like, at least an hour."

a couple hours later i get a voicemail from mom: *whispers* psst. jaimie. your father sees dead people.

the pickle family, we are sickies, no?

***

if i had finished all the books i had started, i'd have managed to read more than 50 books this year:

- 1984 by Orwell. i am loving this book. i just don't want to read anymore.

- House of Leaves i was rereading this one. taking awesome notes on it. but i stayed away from it too long and every time i try to pick up where i left off i get too confused.

- Silent Confessions by Julie Kenner. i loved her Carpe Demon book so much i thought i'd give one of her romance novels a try. holy smokes. it is porn. i mean, it's awful. it's so shitty that i can't believe that the same person wrote both books. i cannot stress enough how pornographic and unreadable this tripe was. i made it to page 122, and i couldn't go on. besides it was so totally obvious that the brother was the one killing the people. wait let me check the last page...yes, it was the brother. GAH! you couldn't even fake me out? YOU SUCK. ALSO? YOU WRITE PORN. DOES YOUR FAMILY KNOW WHAT KIND OF SHITE YOU WRITE? SHAME! trust me, i wouldn't have had this reaction if her other book hadn't been great.

- The Friar and the Cipher this was a nonfiction about Robert Bacon. it was so good, but i couldn't finish it.

- Courage's Consort this was the book i lost in b'ham. it wasn't good, but it was short, so i was hoping to finish it.

- another Anita Blake novel. it sucked so bad i can't even remember which suck-filled book it was. something about a butterfly, maybe?

- The Fran Lebowitz Reader i don't know why i didn't finish this one, it is so funny. she is funny.

- Make Love... the Bruce Campbell Way by Bruce Campbell. hm. i love Bruce Campbell, but this book was mostly eh, which is why i didn't finish it. it was a very creative book though.

do audiobooks count? because i "read" two audiobooks:
Word by Word by Anne Lamott
The Funny Thing is... by Ellen Degeneres
actually, i "read" them both twice because they're on my iPod and sometimes when i get sick of my music i think, "hey, let's listen to Anne Lamott talk about writing."

12.27.05

OT is the best:

and speaking of getting looks, i natty ganned it today by wearing my steel worker/chairman mao cap and got a lot of stares. either they thought i was a celebrity in disguise or i looked really gay.

i took the day off; here's what i did today:
- had coffee with Mom and Tina at The Grind $3.
- fed Kelly's cats Yoda and Fergie
- went to Lowe's. $36.
- raked! leaves! (not all of them, mind. not even most of them, really. just the ones in the gravel and the ones on the sidewalk. which, was a lot of leaves. i haven't raked the sidewalk at all this year. it looked so bad. now it doesn't look quite as bad. now? now the street looks bad. an old lady came walking by and said, "you know a big truck is going to come by and blow these leaves back into your yard." and i said, "yeah, and then you're going to slip and break your hip, hag." okay, so maybe i just thought that and didn't say it out loud.)
- then i left to go run a fistful of errands but had to turn around because i had forgotten my library book. it's nice to circle the block every now and then. i don't drive down 12th street very often. oh, and i drove around the WHOLE block with my parking brake on (stupid girl moment). i don't think that thing works. i mean, shouldn't it have been apparent that something was wrong?)
- bank (drive thru)
- grocery store $66. (saw Big Head Shane at the drink machines! Priceless.)
- Quiznos $8. (to pick up a sandwich for Popsicle and myself. we split a chicken carbonara. shrooms!)
- RBC library (saw librarian bowling star Dorothea!)
- bank again (lobby) (they forgot to give me back my bank card with the special bank numbers on it. i discovered it missing at the supermarket.)
- home (for lunch)
- dishes!
- swept the floor. again.
- went to GP library. i lost a book (Courage's Consort...or something like that) in b'ham. you have no idea how humiliated i am for losing one of the library's books. the only good part is it was a horrible book. it was like The Bell Jar only the lady is already crazy and NO ONE CARES. ESPECIALLY ME. $20. there was a weird girl at the 'brary who was standing next to me the whole time. i think maybe she thought she knew me at first. but when she figured out that she didn't know me she STILL hung around me talking about...i don't know what, i wasn't listening. i am the magnet, i tell you.
- made marinara sauce for tomorrow's pasta dinner
- dishes!
- made chicken and rice for tonight's dinner
- dishes!
- bowling! $5 for two games, that is a great price. especially considering i can't get to 100.

wow. $138. looks like i gotta go back to work tomorrow.

reefer log:
pictures bursting bras well, are YOU perverts in luck. i just happen to have a picture of liz with her bra bursting. i think we were at Noccalula Falls (spanish?).

12.26.05
the pickle family had a good christmas. it started out with church. justin and cindy were in town so we managed to fill up the back row along with flippy and best. talk about a fleegan pew. one of my favorite parts of christmas at church is getting to sing the carols. i know, i'm the only one who likes them, but i don't care. we only get to sing them once a year okay? and most of them have a jaunty tune, Good Christian Men Rejoice, anyone? (ps: that website sucks.)

next came all the food.

then there was more food.

then it was time for dinner.

after dinner came the party which consisted of more food and booze. Roxy kept sneaking in the door when people would come in and out. how a giant behemoth of a dog can "sneak" in is beyond me. i mean, the girl is huge. everyone was all, "wow, she looks smaller in the pictures." and she does. but everyone loved her because only evil shrews could hate such a nice dog as Roxy. and i don't know any evil shrews.

two words: record player.

TATDOW!

two more words: kitchen table.

two other words: red wine.

i was blessed with no hangover. it was like an extra christmas present! yay!

i hope your christmas holiday was awesome too.

12.22.05
jimmy's cousin, joey, is very sick. he's at the hospital at vanderbilt and there's something wrong with his stomach. it isn't working, from what i understand, at all. i guess the doctors are going to try to install some kind of pump thing that is kind of like a pacemaker for the stomach. when i told jimmy that i had never heard of that before he said that the doctors have only tried it twice and it didn't work either time. what?
i know.
if that doesn't work he'll have to have a feeding tube attached. which sounds like absolutely no fun.

so anyway, joey has a wife and two kids. and all i want you to do is pray for him and his family. just a quick prayer, m'kay? thank you. thank you so much.

12.21.05

i have become very disenchanted with reading. sadly, i'll not make the 50 mark on my 50 books. i'm disappointed. maybe next year.

i need to put new strings on my guitar.

i'm going to go watch tv.

the PMS, she is here. she's holding me captive and i can't break out of her irritating chains. please send help in the form of comfy things and baked goods.

hee.

reeferlog madness:
3D Christmas
electric company pinball song
legend of the christmas pickle why [do you have any idea how many pickle christmas ornaments my family has been given over the years? it's something like a hectare... but only if like, each ornament represents an acre. when mom found out i was getting a tree this year and needed some ornaments she said, "you better take a pickle. and i'm sending two with justin and cindy when they get here."]
tattoo of a popsicle
stewie pinball holy water family guy [this is so crazy because i totally did not mention this at all. but isn't funny that i was all about that song and then a week later they used it on Family Guy? i want to marry that show and have it's halfbreed cartoon/human babies. dot com.]
squidbillies theme song

12.20.05
i had to go to the bank today, and while i was there i asked the lady if i could order some more checks, and she said yes so i said great and handed her the re-order slip from my checkbook, and she said she'd get that ordered today, and i said thank you so much and oh, would it be okay to have the checks delivered to the bank instead of my house? and she said yes, that would be fine. i said super.

later on i got a phone call from "julie" at the "bank". and she says that someone already ordered the checks on the 13th and they were being sent to Nottingham Rd (which is my parent's address) and so she didn't want to order another box if i only wanted one box of checks because i'd have to pay for both. and so i said what do you mean someone ordered checks on the 13th, and she said that when she went to place the order someone had already done so...last week, so i said well, maybe my parents bought some checks and there's confusion over the last name or something because i honestly don't remember ordering checks and that's not something i'm likely to forget. and she said that no, it's your account, and i said could you please check again, this is too strange, and she said sure hang on just a second while i look it up again. so she looked it up and said yes, it's right here you ordered checks off the internet on 12.13....oh...it's '04! ha! i'm so sorry! "julie" and i had a good laugh. i was just relieved that i didn't sleep-errand one night and order me some checks.
because how crazy would that be?
although i wouldn't mind sleep-erranding my christmas shopping. wouldn't that be great? it's all, "hey jaimie, what did you get jimmy for christmas?"
"i have no idea!"
of course when he opens up his gift and it's a bra, a bag of dog biscuits, and some shampoo....well, that won't be as cool.
"remember honey, it's the thought that counts...can i have the bra?"

***

honestly, what is up with this "bowling" thing? this time i played 4 games COMPLETELY SOBER and still, STILL i can't get 100 points.

in other news: my shoulder, elbow, wrist, and thumb on my right hand are filled with insane pain and have become useless.
at least when you drink you don't feel the pain. there's no telling how bad it's going to be in the morning. crap. and that's my Painting Arm.

monkey hate bowl.

***

my lips are so chapped that when i put chapstick on them they started burning. "ow! what is this, lava stick or something?! where's the soothing salve?"

but, not all is stupid and painful, Kaze has been in the fence for over a week! yay! so far we won't have to kill her. she even stayed in the fence after Crazy Margaret was lighting firecrackers yesterday evening, and throwing them in Lola's backyard. that is a long-ish and stupid story. but when i first heard the BANG! i thought, oh hell, someone's murdered Lola. huh.
Kaze is freaky when she's around firecrackers. she ususally goes berserk and jumps the fence. but not this time. so let's praise the Lord.

12.18.05

new weekly. i know. remember when december was full of christmas themed weeklies? ah, the salad years. i was going to ask laura to do a graphic with the fleegan in a chef hat, but i realized that it isn't about me cooking at all. so really, it would be cute, but not actually fitting. so i threw together this little graphic for it. aren't laura's much better? yes. and again, yes.

12.15.05
i saw Narnia this evening. i think i may have a bit of the PMS (full moon and all) because let me tell you what, sisters, i cried like a baby. i cried so much, that my hankie (i tend to carry a clean one in my pocket, in case of emergencies like, you know how when you smell the shampoos at the store? and sometimes one kind of burps in your face and you get goop all over? well, in just such an occasion a hankie is very handy.) was soaked by the time i shamefully put it back in my pocket as the house lights came on.

every time i'd just get myself under control something else would happen and the waterworks would start over again.

***

i made this for mom for her birthday. everyone loved it. thank you, Paula Deen, for existing.

***

after work i ran to the bank and then i hit the used book store. a man tried to give me a sackful of books but i didn't want them because they were romance books, and i don't read those. and he says, "but they're free, are you sure?"
and i wanted to say, "oh well, i don't read very much." but that's a lie. why else would i be at a book store if i didn't read? so i said, "well, i don't read romance novels. but thank you for the offer."
he looked at my purchase and looked back at me and was all, "okay then."

i was buying a romance book.

it's not what you think.
y'see, i enjoyed Julie Kenner's Carpe Demon so much i wanted to read another one of her books and the only one the store had was a bollicky romance story. in fact, ALL OF HER OTHER BOOKS are romance stories, with bodice-ripping covers.. this is disappointing to me.

normally when i buy something cheesy, i try to temper it by buying something good, like a literature book or something. however. it seems that every time i go to a book store, library, or Blockbuster Video i am hit with the sudden and urgent need to poop. or as some folks say, do a Bad Job. this was no exception. so i had no time to browse.

i also went to the liquor store and then went to mom and dad's house where dad and i did a few shots of various liquors (one of which was Jager, and my goodness, you might as well call it NyQuil. in fact, i think i'm going to start keeping my NyQuil in the fridge. it's better cold.) then we finished off the binge with a round or two of irish coffee. i like how the two liquor sites ask if you're over 21. what is the point? Carolan's is cheaper and better than Bailey's. so so yourself a favor and "save a buck or two". just a little tip from Auntie Jaimie.
remember: please drink with 'sponsitility. braaaap.

reefer log:
adultswim games
hilarious conversation starter
beating mr. pickle ugh.
i love u

12.14.05
fiddy
while visiting my grandpa, we went to a greek community nearby. it's called Tarpon Springs. you might have heard of it. i think it's a popular tourist trap. it's mostly greek and the people who live there and run the shops and restaurants speak a mix of greek and english that i'm calling greenglish. they are pretty rude. especially by southern standards. i guess i should say that last time we went they were rude, this time they weren't so bad.

after eating greek cuisine we went to the Sponge Exchange which is a huge group of shops in a nice plaza area. this is where mom and i proceeded to use the bathroom several hundred times. greek food = sore butt. it was worth it though. the souvlaki i had was delicious.
the bathroom was weird because there was this tiny, ugly (burn victim?) greek woman who was sitting in there and she would clean the toilet seat everytime someone got out of the stall and there was a tip jar on the counter. but like, it's a public restroom. so i mean, what the hell? she was weird. i pretended she was putting curses on all of us. she probably was cursing mom and i.

the second or third time we went to the bathroom, and do you know how funny it is when you're taking a gaseous crap with your mom in the next stall who is ALSO TAKING A GASEOUS CRAP?! it's hilarious. anyway, two ladies come in while mom and i are killing the toilets and one says, "is jaimie pickle in here?"
what?! did they just-

so i finish my Bad Job and i come out of the stall and i look at the two ladies and...i don't know them from adam's house cat. but i make eye contact to see if they say anything, but they don't.
so i leave and eventually mom comes out and we go back out to the shops to find dad, justin, and cindy.
while we're walking mom says, "hey, i could've sworn one of those ladies had asked if jaimie pickle was in there."
"oh me too! but i didn't recognize them."
"me neither. but it sounded just like that."
"i know! i could kick myself for not asking them what they said. but also i was afraid that they were speaking greek and whatever they said just sounded like jaimie pickle."

12.13.05
fiddy.
yesterday was mom's birthday. debbie t. gave mom one of those 20Q games. i don't know if you've seen one or played with one, but if you haven't, you should know, that shit is evil. at one point, after it had guessed the word snowman, after asking questions that had NOTHING to do with snowmen, we stopped wanting to play. but you can't stop playing.
because maybe it won't guess the next word.
but it will.
and then kelly started to cry and she went home. shaking.
Popsicle started to refer to it as The Orb, as in, "jaimie, please. please take The Orb home with you so it won't be in our house."
we became paranoid. and we started not speaking the word aloud, so The Orb wouldn't hear us. we would write down the word. and then, after more paranoia ("you guys, that truck's been parked out there a long time, you think it's got spy cams peeking at the paper?"
"well, we know it has microphones, it stands to reason it's got spy cams rigged on our house."
"put The Orb in another room while we decide what the word will be."
"good idea!") we finally laughed it off.
although, nobody turned their back on The Orb.

dad called debbie:
popsicle: debbie? this thing you bought laura? it's crazy.
debbie: i know! we're playing with ours right now too! ian picked Jesus as the word and it guessed angel! how weird is that?!
p: um well, we actually picked angel and it guessed...angel! how?! it didn't ask a single question that had to do with angels!!!
debbie: i know! it's weird! i...don't think it's evil?

anyway, that thing is crackazy. we should play!

12.12.05
sorry for lack of updates. i've been out of town all weekend. in The Land Of Flowers. some call it Florida, Stewie calls it "God's waiting room". the fam was visiting my grandpa and my step-grandma? is there a better word for this? please?
he just got out of the hospital last week, and he's doing great. it was really great to see him. i got to see him last year, but my brother hadn't seen him in 3 or 4 years. is it weird to go long without seeing your grandparents? if they're alive, i mean.
my grandparents have always lived at least (at LEAST) 10 hours away. and it's expensive to fly a family of four. and also, i don't fly. so we don't see them very often. when we were kids, our summer vacation was basically visiting grandparents. in june we'd go to Akron and in August/September we'd go to Tampa.

and then we'd get to see them sometimes if they were driving from Tampa to Akron, they would stop for a day or two on the way since we're a good midpoint. you know how those snowbirds migrate in the summer so the tourists can come and eat oranges and get skin cancer.

when i got home Mr. Fleegan had put an electric fence up to keep Kaze in. so far so good. also when i got home the dryer hose had ripped and i didn't realize it until i went into the laundry room and was all, "wow, it's humid in here. shit." luckily jimmy was here and used his "strong hand" (hee, kelly) to move the dryer and then he duct taped it back with my girlie purple duct tape for a quick fix until i can go buy a new hose.

reefer log:
i love u
darth vader pjs

also: STOMA.

12.08.05
do you ever have those days where you know that God is messing with you? where you know that he's put you in a situation so he can laugh his mighty ass off? hm?
oh, it's just me?

so i'm painting on the 8th floor of the holy house today. and dad gets paged and has to leave. then this old lady comes out of her room and she's knocking on someone else's door, but the other person isn't home. so i peek around the corner and i see this old lady and she's in her silk PJs. so i say, in my cheerful help voice, "hi! do you need some help?"
and the lady, she stands in front of me and nods her head. she says nothing.
"um, well. would you like me to help you?"
she nods again.
i would get the deaf mute.
so we get to her door and she says, "i need you to fasten something for me."
she can speak! she's healed! praise!
well, she was still deaf.

anyway, i get in her room and her boyfriend is in there. he is one of the few people at that place that i do not like. he's a mean ol' alkie. well, he's sitting in there in his undershirt and he's holding a necklace around his neck. see, it's his neckalce that needs fastening.

so at first i'm thinking, oh for the love, did they just have sex? God, this is not cool. viagra is the devil i just know it.

but see, there's something else about the guy i haven't mentioned. he's a darth vader. he's got one of those electric voice boxes that he has to hold to his throat. he's deaf as a post, and he has "singing" hearing aids. (you should hear them talk. she can't hear a single robotic word he says, and he couldn't hear a plane crash if it happened right next to him.) when he walks he takes very small steps and he wears those cheesey ankle boots. so it sounds like 19 people just got off the elevator and are coming around the corner.

oh, and one word: tracheostomy.

right, so it's his necklace, remember? and he's holding it out so i can clasp it...in the front. not on the back of his neck, but in THE FRONT. you know, THE FRONT? IT'S RIGHT NEXT TO HIS GAPING NECK HOLE. i try to be nonchalant about the sitch as i approach the guy, i mean, i don't want to be rude or anything. so it's like, be cool jaimie, be cool. just latch it and go. you can freak out later. so i say, all smiley, "so you need some help fastening your neckhole, huh? necklace!"

as i fiddled with the clasp i was all, don't look at the neckhole. don't look at the neckhole. don't look at th- IT'S CRUSTY! A CRUSTY, SCABBY NECKHOLE! I'M JUST A HOUSE PAINTER! HOW DO THESE THINGS HAPPEN TO ME?! and i was thinking about how jealous chris wood would be. and i was also thinking maybe he needed to put a salve on it, so it wouldn't look so crusty.

i clasped it and was considered a hero for doing so, and as i left i said, "have a good stoma. day! have a good day."
what a day. for the rest of the day when dad would complain about something i would whisper, "stoma!" loudly.

i hope i didn't offend anyone with a neckhole. i know that they are very cool things that help you breathe better. i've just never had to er, look right at one or have my fingers so close to one. i'm thinking it's something you just have to get used to seeing. but now i have questions. mostly, do you have to cap it off when you drink something?

NECKHOLE.

12.07.05
i still have a bum finger. it hurts like a beotch. my knuckle is screwed. at lunch today, liz had to open my bag of chips. i tried to open it but i couldn't get a grip on it. so then i thought i'd just take the chips home with me and then i thought, "jaimie, just ask for help. geez, you're an idiot."

conversation at lunch today:
me: i found a radio station that's playing christmas songs.
liz: yeah, i noticed on the way over here.
me: yeah, well. I LIKE THEM OKAY?! i mean, i know it's not cool to like christmas songs, BUT I DON'T CARE! I DON'T CARE THAT IT'S UNCOOL.
liz: well, it's not cool to say the blessing in the middle of Subway either.
me: wha- BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!

it hurts to type. here's some pictures.

yeah, sorry for the blur.

here's the old family heirloom demon santa in Off Mode

and here he is On

HYPNO-TOAD.
his eyes really glow red like that. and he makes an awful grinding sound 'cos the arms move (well, the one does, it's old. the arm with the bell is stuck. it used to ring the bell.)

just think how cute those pictures would have been if i'd have used the flash.

12.06.05
got my jeep fixed. $170. holy cannoli. so now it's got a brand new starter. so there's that.

went to the dentist. no cavaties! and? i got to use my insurance card! score!

kaze was out again today. i finally got her back in the fence around 2pm. and when i did, i managed to get my middle finger completely torqued in her collar. the dog was screaming as if i'd set her on fire. i was screaming as though someone had ripped my finger off. i'm sure it looked hilarious. when it happened i didn't want to look down. i just knew i'd see my finger dangling from my hand.

luckily it isn't broken. it's just...in pain. the kind of pain that made me cry.

it's okay as long as i don't move it or bump it against something. it's also painful to grip anything. even if i don't "use" that finger when i grip something or use my ring finger it sends an awesome PAIN SIGNAL to my bird fingah. the secret is to keep it elevated. if i put my arm down by my side i get some amazing throbbing pain.
the pain means it's working. but what is "it"?

things that are difficult to nigh impossible to do when your middle finger on your dominant hand is facked:

1. start the car.

2. put the car in gear.

3. drive. unless you just go straight. if there's no turns it's a piece of cake.

4. sign your name.

5. unlock a padlock.

6. there is no number 6.

7. take your pants off.

8. wipe your ass.

9. open a beer.

10. update your blog.

12.05.05

kelly fish! you must download this song now. you'll either thank me or kill me. or, you'll thank me at first, and then later when it's in your head 24/7 you'll kill me. either way, YAY! and for those of you (from Russia obviously) who don't recognize it you must not have watched the Electric Company or Sesame Street growing up, which means you might not have a soul. that's too bad.

that song is in my head at least once a week, and has been since i was 5.

I WANT THAT SONG PLAYED AT MY FUNERAL. like, towards the end, when everyone has finished telling bittersweet memories about me...and people are all crying and sad, then that's when the funeral director will say, "jaimie wanted to share one last thing with all of her friends and family. she's requested the best sound system with the bass kicked to 11 (ELEVEN!!!), and in her last note she's written it says, "this song has gotten me through some tough times. i love you all, and i hope the song speaks to you like it always did to me."
and then the director will press PLAY and honestly, i don't think there will be a dry eye or non-shaking booty in the house.

oh, and here's something some awesome people did with the pinball song. at the time, i didn't realize how Acid Flashback that pinball machine was. holy cow.

***

jimmy and i went out with Popsicle and Best tonight. we ate at a place called Cooter Brown's. which reminds me of a dirty joke i know, but it would take me forever to type out. dad and i split (spilt? hee) a pitcher of New Castle Brown. i HATE that beer...when it's in a bottle. but on tap? holy cow IT IS SO YUMMY.

yo, next time? we are giving Mater's the finger and we're going to Cooter Brown's for beers and wings.

***

jimmy called my christmas tree the Leaning Tower of Christmas. it IS copping a lean, as my mom would say, as she's the only one in the entire world who has ever used that phrase, that i've ever heard anyway, maybe they use it in Canada or something, anyway, it's leaning forward. it's not quite at a 45, but it's pretty ridiculous. "and a tree in that position can't afford to look RIDICULOUS!"

The Godfather is a christmas movie.
well, christmas is in it anyway.

DOOD! at the Fleegan Christmas Gala i should totally have The Godfather playing on the GIANT television set! SWEET!
or Gremlins.

reefer log:
the legend of the pickle
pickle it
squidbillies sound board
pickle porn yeah in her ass
a man in my position can't afford to look ridiculous this makes me so happy.

there were tons of squidbillies searches. so here, here's the squidbillies theme song, m'kay? and honestly, i think i got that off the [adultswim] website. why you didn't look there first...

12.04.05
a busy weekend.
it was warm today...so the red jeep started. so i drove it to the mechanic's place so's he can put in a new starter or whatever. i'm glad i waited and didn't get a tow truck. save a buck or two.

jimmy and kris moved jimmy's couch and giant honking television to my house. i really have mixed feelings about the big tv. i hate stuff like that. especially since that room is kinda small. but, after watching Family Guy and seeing Peter's head bigger than mine...well, i'm keeping it. i could even read the [adultswim] bumps without having to put my glasses on.

by the way, i need new glasses in a very bad way.

while the fleegan fellas did the furniture thing, laura and i decorated a christmas tree. yes, that's right, Jaimeneezer Scroogenstein spent actual human money on a real live christmas tree. this is very much unlike me. i'm pleading temporary insanity. i did it for 2 reasons.
1. the cat always liked it when there was a tree up for christmas. she likes hiding behind it and drinking the water and eating the tinsel. this year though, no tinsel. sorry, toonces.

2. laura's making me have the 3rd annual fleegan christmas party at my house this year. she says it's because we've never had it at the same house twice.

laura also decorated the mantle with the leftover lights and balls and toys. it've very pretty and i told her that i'm telling everyone that i did it. i'll post pictures tomorrow. i've got to charge my battery. i'll take one with the old family heirloom demon santa off and one with the old family heirloom demon santa on.

the fleegan party will be on christmas day (i think it's on the 25th this year.), in the evening, say, after 6pm. everyone is invited. so when you get done with your family shenanigans come on-a my house for booze and snacky things. if there's a particular booze you want to drink, ba-ring it. otherwise i'll have JD and Mich Ultra. and we've got hot chocolate for the children and non-drinkers.
dude, someone should bring some schnapp's for the hot chocolate.
hee. buttershots!
questions about the party? want to bring something? feel free to e-mail me. pickle@fleegan.com

thanks again to the Catoes for all their help!

12.02.05
here's some pics that i found on the digital camera. they're months old.

aw, she's all wet! poor wittle Roxy Rockstar!

this is Lola backing out of my driveway. it took her 2 minutes and 14 seconds. the only reason i had my camera ready was in case she managed to hit my fence, to catch her in the act. she's done it before.

we've hidden, somewhere in this picture, a jimmy. "Mr. Jones, will you please stand up now?"

what's that? you want more Roxy?

OKAY!

12.01.05
fiddy
my red jeep wouldn't start today.
i had a fuel pump put in it in september. new battery in october. and now? what, what do you want from me,red jeep? ju tink i won't cut ju? i steeck ju, mang!
i have to have it towed to the mechanic's place.
again.
looks like everyone is getting a hug from me for christmas. sorry.

***

i've had some good conversations lately.
with dad (dad's playing the part of the jerk maintenance man, kinda like the company computer repair guy on SNL):
him: hey, i'm installing this smoke detector.
me, in the hall: okay.
him: there's a black and white wire on the detector which one do i connect to the red wire?
me: uhhhhh, is the black one uh...well, i'd connect the red and white-
him: WRONG! it's the black and red, sheez, good thing you're not doing this.
me: yeah. well. is the black positive?
him: of course!
me: shut up. besides, in a car battery the black is negative and the red is posit-
him: does this look like a 12v battery to you?!
me: why isn't the black always negative? i mean, is this an AC/DC thing?
him: ...
me: 'cos in art black is the absence of color so it's like, a negative, right?
him: don't even try to use your art brain, jaimie. the white wire is common.
me: common? what the hell does that mean?
him: i don't know, i figured you'd have an art word for it.
me: shut it.
him: and by the way, how many art minutes is it going to take you to paint that anyway?

while talking to laura:
her: i wish i had taken a picture of the upstairs hallway before we painted it.
me: yeah?
her: yeah, it was turquois with dark brown trim.
me: oh yeah, man that was so ugly.
her: but it lives in my memory. it'll always be there.
me: ...what?
her:...
me: wait, that's...that's a...OH! BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
her: i knew you'd get it.
both: ALL I WANNA DO IS MAKE LOOOOVE TO YOUUUUUU!

with jimmy:
me: here's the TV remote, i've gotta finish this book.
him: for the fiddy?
me: for the fiddy.
him: will you do this next year?
me: i dunno. it's actually pretty hard.
him: well, maybe next year you could read 30 instead of 50.
me: what?! no! don't you SEE?! if i read 50 THIS year then NEXT year i'll have to read 51!! HAHAHA! i'll have to keep BREAKING MY RECORD! BAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!
him: maybe you should-
me: no! get the hell away from me!
him: you nerd.
me: *hiss*

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