43. An Ice Cold Grave by Charlaine Harris

Uh. Mah. Gah.

Yes, this is book three of the Grave Series. And like I mentioned back in January (after reading books 1 and 2) about the step bro and sis having the godless sex?
Well, I was right.

Don't read this shit. Gross Out City. Because not only do they have the sexing, but it is described in more detail than I'd ever care to hear about. She describes his penis. It has a curve to it. It was not important that I know that. That fact was not helpful to the book in any way. And now? NOW?

I can't help but think of the Great Gonzo.

So not only am I grossed out by Greg and Marsha Brady getting it on with his scoliosis wang, but I can't even look at Gonzo anymore.

42. Deenie by Judy Blume

41. Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret. by Judy Blume

So this is the one about starting your period. When I read this as a kid I could not relate AT ALL to Margaret because:

A. My friends and I never talked about starting our periods and

B. I didn't want my period and was dreading the day I'd start because it seemed so gross, and I was not such a fan of pain back then and the cramps...they scared me.

So when I read about a girl who was praying to God to please not let her be the last person in her class to get her period I was not impressed. There's that, and the fact that the book was quite old and when she described the pads it was the old fashioned kind with the belt, and that only confused me. Child of the '80s here, sorry.

But this time when I read it I was shocked that the book was not really about a girl getting her period...that part of the book was only 20% of the plot. Nay, the book is mainly about Margaret (who's moved to a new area) trying to fit in and grow up in a new school. But the thing that shocked me most was that I totally forgot that Margaret was trying to figure out if she was Jewish or Christian, and that she prays to God all the time.

(When I was a kid I had no idea that Jews and Christians were different, I thought that Jews were people from Israel. Right, so, shut up I was in 5th grade, okay?)

Anyway the book was great and I wish I had read it again in 7th grade cos maybe then I would have enjoyed it a lot more.

40. Everything I Needed to Know About Being a Girl I Learned From Judy Blume by A Bunch of Women Authors

This book was awesome as it's a bunch of women authors (most of which i've read a book or two of theirs) and they all wrote essays about how much reading Judy Blume books affected their life. or effected. nope, it's affected. If you're a chick who's ever read Judy Blume or really, if you're just a chick, you should give this book a shot. It's cool.

Also, it's inspired me to go back and read some of the JB books that I read as a kid. Why? Because most of these women went back and read their favorite JB book and were amazed at how different the book is to their older self. That, and they're easy reads, AND hey, pad the numbers!

39. Finn by John Clinch
What a great idea for a book! It's about Huck Finn's dad, Pap. Remember him from Twain's The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn? Remember how he was a bad guy who kidnaps Huck from the Widow Douglas because Huck and his buds found all that Indian gold in that cave that time? So pap kidnaps him to get the money? And he was going to kill him? Remember that?

Well, in this book? That was like, the least of this guy's crimes. The whole time I was reading this I was all, "Oh man, this guy is the devil. I wonder what he'll do next....OH DAMN! He's evil! HE couldn't possibly do anything else- YOU ARE KIDDING ME! How come no one has killed this guy yet?! ...OH NO WAY!" I couldn't stop reading this even though I wanted to because Pap Finn was so despicable. Plus some of the reviews I read mentioned a surprise ending. Now while I would say that the ending was a surprise, it wasn't however, a shock in anyway. The ending didn't come out of left field or anything. So while I liked the ending, I guess I was waiting for something bizarre and shocking to happen.

The first really annoying thing about this book was the dialogue. It was so annoying in fact, that if I had not been so curious about finding out what happens at the end, I would have stopped reading this book very early on because the dialogue was so ridiculous. First of all, when the people talk to each other they only say three or four words per sentence. It was so choppy that I hated all the "talking" parts. Secondly, the phrase, "I know it." was used approximately 900,000 times. So the dialogue was for shit.

The second really annoying thing was that the chapters were not in chronological order. Which would not have been so bad if there had been a way to actually tell that. But there wasn't. So half way through a bit I'd be all, "What the hell? Is this the past? Shit."

So really, the only good things about this book are:
A. the idea behind it (a book about Pap Finn and what made him so bad.)

B. all the bad things he did. man, was he bad.

I wish the dialogue and the chronology hadn't been so painful, because it would've been so awesome.

August

38. Hobo by Eddy Joe Cotton
This was a nonfiction book about a kid who starts tramping in the western United States. It's slightly interesting and written in a really romanticized poetic stream of consciousness way. I enjoyed reading it, but I don't think it's true. I think parts of it are true, and I think most of it is made-up bullshit. That is what I think.

It did get me interested in hobos though. The history, the train hopping, the hobo jargon, and the survival of it all is really crazy interesting. I'd like to find a more believable book by a hobo or about hobos and hoboing and/or hobo-humping slobo-babes. So I hope to find something a little more real on the subject. Stay tuned for more books on hobos.

37. The Rosetta Stone and the Rebirth of Ancient Egypt by John Ray
This nonfiction book was about the Rosetta Stone as well as the gentlemen who found it, studied it, and solved it. It doesn't talk so much about Ancient Egypt as it does the Enlightenment and the Romantic periods because that's when the stone was found and those are the people who studied it. The author focuses on the two main contributors to solving Egyptian hieroglyphs, Thomas Young, an englishman, and Jean-François Champollion who was french.

The author makes the case that Young laid the foundation of solving Egyptian hieroglyphs while Champollion took them even further. It's a big deal to some because of the whole british/french thing. The history of the stone is fascinating. It is a decree made by Pharoah, Ptolemy V Epiphanes thanking the priests and temples for helping him out during a period of revolt, and it's written in hieroglyphs (which was considered the writing of the gods), Egyptian Demotic (a kind of script used in document writing), and also in classical Greek.

It was Napoleon's men who found the stone first in the Egyptian city of...Rosetta. The french were unearthing all kinds of ancient treasures while Napoleon invaded Egypt. Then along came Britain who took Egypt from France and also stole treasures, many of which sit in the British Museum today.

What makes this book so great is the author, an englishman, writes so well. It's not a dull book at all. He has that dry british wit and he uses it quite a bit. The only part that was "meh" was the last little bit about who really owns the Rosetta Stone? Where should it reside? He goes on about should we give back all the treasures to the places they were found? But that if we do that we'll have to do that with everything, not just Egyptian stuff...and then what of the people who legally bought things? Do the items belong to the purchaser, or should the purchaser be made to give the items/artwork back to the countries where they were made?

Then at the very end the author translates the stone for us. The decree itself is kinda boring because it's the pharaoh going on and on and everytime he mentions himself it's not "I" or "me" it's "King Ptomlemy god manifest whose beneficience is perfect" and reading that over and over gets old. But it's not what the stone says that's actually important, it's the fact that it says it in three different languages/scripts/whatever which leads to people being able to figure out Egyptian hieroglyphs.

36. Fancy Pants by Susan Elizabeth Phillips
This is one of her earlier novels. It's not as good as Natural Born Charmer mostly because it's WAY too long and there's too many characters and too much drama (my god, the drama). The story was sweet though...only, not very realistic.

It's about a spoiled rich girl from England loses everything and moves to the USA and hooks up with a redneck pro-golfer and then gets pregnant and she runs off cos she and the golfer hate each other and she manages to make something of her life and becomes a famous television personality. Ten years later she and the golfer hook up again and with the kid and all and they all live happily ever after. Only there's a million things that happen. And also sex. Lots of sex.

So while I recommend Ain't She Sweet and Natural Born Charmer I'm telling you that unless you're just interested in Ms. Phillips's earlier work, don't bother reading this one.

Also it's nearly 500 pages. I've got to start reading smaller books if I plan on reaching 50 books this year.

35. The Next Thing on My List by Jill Smolinski

This novel was hilarious and in very much the same vein as Susan Elizabeth Phillips's stuff. In this book a chick named June gives Marisa a ride home from a Weight Watcher's meeting and there's a car accident and Marisa dies (i'm not spoiling anything, this is all on the jacket cover). June finds a list in her crashed backseat and it's a 20 Things to do Before I Turn 25 list. It was Marisa's list. But she's dead. So June decides to finish the list for her. Hilarity ensues.

The characters are very well done and everyone is sarcastic and funny. I really liked this book. I liked it more than Harry Potter...mainly cos it wasn't so long and sad.

34. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows by J. K. Rowling

I was glad that I got to read this book before I heard any kind of spoiler. First things first, this book was too long. Parts of it were kinda draggy and redundant. The same things kept happening over and over. They had to hide, they had to sneak around, people died, more hiding, more sneaking around, more dying. Lord have mercy.

33. Harry Potter and the Half-blood Prince by J. K. Rowling

I liked this one better than the Odor of the Penis because while Harry is still a whiny, angry teenage boy...a lot happens in this book and I think maybe Harry grows up a bit at the end and will become more serious and less, well, really fucking stupid.

I was shocked at who the half-blood prince turned out to be.

I did, of course, cry like a baby towards the end. Had to blow my nose several times.

July

32. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix by J. K. Rowling

I can't talk about this book because it's a Harry Potter book and I don't want to spoil anything for anyone. I will say this about it though, it was too long. Also Harry is a whiny, angry little bitch in it. I guess that's all part of being a teenage boy. Also, I've been calling it the Harry Potter and the Odor of the Penis...because I'm no better than a whiny, angry bitch of a teenage boy.

31. Sweet and Deadly by Charlaine Harris

This was a stand alone novel and not part of one of her series (serieses? serices? serii? I should definitely know what the plural of series is. How old am I? What grade am I in? Perhaps series IS the plural form of series. Yes. Let's go with that.) It's not one of her Sookie Stackhouse series nor the horrible newish series she has about the weirdo stepbrother and sister who find dead people.

This is a story about a girl in a small southern town who works for a local newspaper. I'm not sure what year the story takes place but it's either the '80s or '70s I think as the people at the paper use typewriters and there was no mention of computers or cell phones or anything fancy like that.

I liked this book for two reasons:

1. The author kind of uses an untrustworthy narrator. You're not sure if she's a crazy killer or just kind of strange.

2. The ending was very abrupt...which reminds me of how books used to end.

Let me say though, that I did not like the ending. I did not like or even believe the reason why the killer was killing people. It was really, REALLY dumb. I don't want to spoil the ending...but also I really do. So if you enjoy this author's previous work and you think you want to read this book, by all means, give it a go, and don't read the rest of this "review" as I'm about to spoil it. If you don't give a rat's ass about this book and will never read it, and you want to know why I didn't believe the ending then proceed with this pithy rant.

<spoiler>

So the killer is not the narrator girl. It is instead the next door neighbor, an old and very 'distinguished member of the community' as they say. The girl's dad was the town doctor and 6 months prior to the beginning of the book he and his wife were killed. Murder unsolved. Who would want to kill the town doctor?

So now, other people are being murdered...the nurse who used to work for the town doctor and then the guy who lives in the dead doctor's old office. S'anyway, turns out it's the distinguished old neighbor guy who's killed these people because he was sick and was tested and came out positive with...

leprosy.

And if you have leprosy you have to be reported to the public health department. And the old guy didn't want the doctor to tell on him. And that's why he was killing people. So people wouldn't find out about his leprosy.

Anyway, he tries to kill the girl and she kills him first and then it just ends. Man, I read a lot of junk.

</spoiler>

30. Demons are Forever by Julie Kenner

It's her latest Demon book and the best part about the book is that it starts exactly where the last one, California Demon, (those authors and their puns, I tell you) left off. I like when a series does that. Sue Grafton is pretty good about that. It continues the story of Kate, the demon hunting soccer mom, and her family in a small town in California that just happens to have tons of demons in it.

The only bad part about this book and the others in the series is, and I mentioned this on last year's 50 books page, she is really, really, real redundant, for real. No really.

Really.

That was sarcasm, folks.

Half the book is Kate saying how she's got to protect her kids from the demons and how dare the demons get close to her kids and by God those demons will pay for putting her kids in danger. And all I can do is think, "WE KNOW, LADY. We GET IT. You are a parent who loves her children. You don't want your children harmed. We don't blame you. Even those of us without children can understand this. Now shut the fuck up about it already and either get on with the story or stop writing sloppy, redundant bullshit."

Other than that, it was fine. Her daughter finds out about what her mom does and she starts training to help out. The husband, Stuart, is still in the dark about the demon junk. That part, too, is wearing thin. I mean, how does she keep sneaking out at night?...and with a broken garage door? Do you KNOW how loud that shit is?

29. Valley of Silence by Noraroberhem *cough cough*
Okay I read the last one. No mas.

This is the 3rd in the Circle trilogy. It was too long. Seriously, I lost interest at the beginning and knew how the damn thing was going to end. My friend Jan, she works at the 'brary with me, was teasing me about how long it was taking me to finish this book. I told her how it was too long and I thought I had guessed the ending anyway. She was all, "How do you think it's going to end?" and I said, "Well, obviously the good guys win the battle. The queen and the vamp are going to hook up but since he'll live forever and she's mortal it won't work so either he'll have to die in the battle, or more likely, he won't die and the gods will give him a chance to be human again since he helped to kill the evil vampires. Am I right?"

"Well, you'll just have to read to find out."

So I finished it, and I won't spoil it for you if you decide to read it. Just know that it was too long.

28. Dance of the Gods by Norablaephazzle
Right.

This is the second book in the Circle trilogy, the first being Morrigan's Cross. It was okay. The love stories are really obvious, but the action parts are good. And it's about vamps and witches and junk like that. Good vs Evil. Blah blah blah.

In this one the 6 have to train some more and go to this place called the Dance of the Gods so they can er, transport? to another world called Geall (it's where the queen and the shapeshifter come from) because that's where the last battle is going to be in the Valley of Silence.

I lost interest towards the end.

27. Morrigan's Cross by Norammffmahem
Shut up, you.

The reason I picked up this book at all is that all the other librarians had read it, and it seemed that they couldn't wait to get their breaktime so they could go and read it. And it's part of a trilogy and EVERYONE loves a good trilogy.

This book was pretty good, I must say. It's about how six people (very different people) have to come together to fight an army of vampires to save the world. There's a sorcerer from the 12th century, a witch from the present, a vampire who is the brother of the sorcerer from the 12th century only it's now so the vamp is over 900 years old, there's a shape shifter guy and a queen from another world all together, and a vampire slayer from Chicago.

Look, I KNOW it sounds dumb, okay? But it's really not bad. I mean, okay the love interests are hugely obvious...even before she gets to them, but STILL you keep reading! So that's gotta count for something! Yes it does! Yuh huh!

I hate you.

June 

26. Ain't She Sweet by Susan Elizabeth Phillips
Flippy read Natural Born Charmer (#16 on this list) and then this one and she told me that this one was even BETTER than Natural Born Charmer and I said, "Impossible!" and she was all, "Read it and find out!"

So I read it and while it wasn't as quick-witted and funny as Natural Born Charmer the story was much better and even a bit believable.

In this one a lady named Sugar Beth (I know) comes back to the southern town where she was born and raised after being gone for nearly two decades. She had been the most popular girl in school and also a huge bitch. She comes back home to take care of a money situation and then ends up showing everyone how she's changed from a spoiled bitch to a really normal, nice person. But first the town tortures her.

It had some really sweet parts in it and I even shed a few tears during the sweet parts but also I was pmsing so perhaps the parts weren't as sweet as I thought.

Anyway, a good summer book.

25. Grace (Eventually) by Anne Lamott
This is like her other nonfiction books, Traveling Mercies and Plan B. I love Anne Lamott's biographical books because she is so honest about her life. She never sugar coats her own screw-ups. Never. Some of her thoughts on Christianity are very liberal, even to me, but I still appreciate reading about them. Plus her books ALWAYS have really good sentences in them.

This book, like Plan B, is not as good as Traveling Mercies, as that book was just amazing. But I did like this one better than Plan B.

So there you go.

24. A Good and Happy Child by Justin Evans
If you are sensitive at all to things dealing with demons then I don't recommend this book as it will give you nightmares.

The plot is all there's this guy who can't seem to touch or hold his newborn baby. At first it seems kinda funny, "oh he's a new dad." kinda thing. But then it gets to where it's ridiculous that he won't hold the baby so he goes to therapy. It's there he remembers that when he was a kid he went to therapy too because of some behavioral problems (y'know, like trying to kill people. erm, perhpas even succeeding in killing people.), but it turns out that his problem was actually that he was possessed by a demon.

regular therapists tend to misdiagnose those kinds of things.

and just when you're thinking, "Damn, this kid doesn't have a prayer." (pun? intended?) because you know that thoraizine isn't going to get rid of a demon. turns out there are some characters in the book who have had experiences with demons and spiritual things, and best of all they are friends of the kid's parents. the thing is, (there's always a thing) the father died at the beginning of the book and it's his friends as he's the Christian. The mom does not believe in such things. Even after the mom witnesses a manifestation of the demon in their bathroom she still doesn't believe.

So the kid's dead dad is the reason that the kid was attacked by a demon in the first place. The dad went to some place in South America to study with a demoniac to learn about demons so that he could come back and tell people how to fight against evil. In case you don't know this, THAT IS ALWAYS A BAD IDEA. so he catches a "fever" and ends up dying a slow debilitating death. A demon then goes and latches on to the kid.

A bunch of shit happens. But the whole point of the story is that he's now afraid to even touch his kid cos he doesn't want any demons on his kid. The ending was really strange and I'm not sure if he's still got a demon in him or not. I couldn't tell. I didn't like the weird ending. I wanted more closure.

The book was very creepy and there were several parts that were so creepy i wanted to hide under a blanket. With all the lights on.

 
I'm giving it one Canseco because it was well written and did not piss me off with too many characters and redundancy. It was a good book, and I never want to read it again.

May

23. I'm Not Julia Roberts by Laura Ruby
I thought this book was going to be hilarious. It had some really funny parts, but mostly it wasn't funny. It was a good book, just, it was kinda like....remember when the movie Parenthood came out? And remember how the previews made it look hilarious? And remember when you watched it how it did have funny parts, but also it was like, real and serious? That was this book. The jacket cover made it sound really funny.

Like I say, it was a good book. I've never had to think about ex-husbands and step-moms and dads and pain in the ass kids before. The book really showed how awkward and helpless adults can be.

And like usual, I have to complain that there was TOO many characters in the book. And as if it wasn't bad enough with all the characters, they were all "related" in some divorced way. So and so married Whatshername's ex-husband who's daughter is dating Such and so's son. Meanwhile Such and so has remarried That Guy with the Bitch Daughter and the ex-wife is a total nut job.

Yeah but like, 15 of those. Still, I'm giving it 2 Cansecos cos it was entertaining as well as a bit thought provoking...even if i was duped by the jacket...just like I was duped by Ron Howard.

22. Just Play Ball by Joe Garagiola

Yay for baseball books! Even bad baseball books are pretty enjoyable...even Canseco's shitfest of a book was fun to read.

This book, while not well-written exactly, was easy and kinda fun to read. Lemme 'splain. First off, he says that he's been around all the old timers and that they all compare the "good ol' days" to today's baseball and that that isn't fair and that he won't do that in his book and the he proceeds to do EXACTLY that for oh, the whole book. So that was lame. Not that I have a problem with someone talking about the old days, nay, I love that stuff. But don't say that you're not like that and not all about comparing that which is uncomparable, and then turn around and compare new rules and old games.

Another thing that bothered me about this book was the chapters were all about different things like umpires, pitchers, Yogi Berra etc. Which is great but then he'd go off on these tangents about the DH rule or interleague play and it just didn't gel.

He admits that he wasn't a great player. So it's nice that he's not arrogant or all "I know what I'm talking about because I'm a living legend."  He IS a good storyteller, which is probably why he's been in broadcasting for so long. He remembers everything! And it was a nice change of pace from other baseball books I read which tends to be more junk about the Yankees.

It should be noted that the library has put this book in the biography section. I don't think it belongs there really because it's not really about his life as much as it's just him going on and on about baseball. It should go in the non-fiction stacks with the other baseball books, 796.357...which is a number I've had memorized since I was a wee fleegan who loved reading anything on baseball.

21. Don't Look Down by Jennifer Crusie and Bob Mayer
Laura has read, i think, all or most of Jennifer Crusie's books. Laura has pretty good taste in most things so I thought I'd try out one of these books. I really liked this book until about the last 100 pages. It just got way too busy and dumb. DUMB. The characters were all funny and sarcastic and witty and everything; it was the story that got ridiculous.

The main chick, Lucy, is a director who has to take over shooting an action movie cos the original director had a heart attack. Her ex-husband is the stunt co-ordinator. Her sister also works on the set. The main actor is an idiot. And his stunt double is a military guy who ends up with the hots for Lucy which is fine because she thinks he's hot too. The ex-husband wants Lucy back, and also he's crazy. This is all on the jacket cover so I'm not spoiling anything for you. Also, there's WonderWoman underwear. I'm sorry, WonderWear.

Like I said, it was really enjoyable up until the last 100 pages or so. The only reason I finished it was to see if they could ACTUALLY end the book or not. I'll probably try another one of her books before I write her off as a "good start, poor finish" author.

The next book that they're writing together is due out this summer, and it's called Agnes and the Hitman. That sounds funny. I'll give that one a go.

20. Summer Crossing by Truman Capote
This is one of those posthumously published works that's miraculously found in a garage sale in Miami by some antique collector who bought a box filled with old notebooks. It was something like that anyway. Which of course, makes you wary of the whole deal in the first place. If it wasn't good enough for Mr. Capote to publish while he was alive why would it get any better when he's dead?

So it's a novel about a summer in New York City in either the late '40s or maybe in the '50s, it doesn't matter. The main character is Grady McNeil, a 17 year old girl who's parents and older sister don't understand her at all. They are rich and she's apathetic and it very much had the feel of all those 1950s movies about kids with parents who don't get it. I'm looking at you, Rebel Without a Cause. Have you seen that movie? It's not that good. James Dean is all, "YOU'RE TEARING ME APART!" and I'm all, "Why? 'Cos your dad asked you a question? Either go smoke some weed, screw a girl, race a car, or get a summer job okay? Just do SOMETHING, I don't care, but stop being a mopey little bitch." Why is that movie a "classic"? Anyone? Was it meant to be a horror movie for parents?

Right well, back to Summer Crossing. So Grady's parents go to Europe for the summer and Grady talks them into letting her stay home alone. She proceeds to screw around with the parking lot attendant...they get married in Jersey...for no reason really. Then they kinda play house at her parent's apartment while they're on vacation. Then it kind of hints around that she's pregnant and then they smoke some weed with one of the dude's old army buddies and while they're out joy riding she gets a little crazy in that Jim Stark kind of way and she grabs the wheel and the guy's all ,"What are you doing?! You'll kill us all!" and she's all, "I know."

the end.

Honestly, the ending was the best part.

That reminds me, a guy checked out the audiobook of The Bell Jar at the library the other day. I REALLY wanted to say, "Are you sure you want to do this?" But I didn't 'cos heck, it's happened to the best of us. At least this slob was going to have Maggie Gyllenhaal read it to him.

19. Him Her Him Again The End of Him by Patricia Marx
If you think that I checked out this book because of it's title you'd be wrong. Well, you'd be half wrong. Not only was the title funny but the cover was orange (my fave), and we all know I'm a sucker for the cover.

This is one of the only books I've read where I HATED the characters but actually enjoyed reading the book. So that amazed me. I was also amazed that the book was published, at all really, cos I'm pretty sure if anyone turned it in to say, any collegiate creative writing class the teacher would've been all, "Yeah, turn this back in when you've named AND DESCRIBED the narrator and also you need to describe the other characters as well. Yeah no, I know what you mean about being creative and it's your "artistic choice" and all NOT to describe, and in some cases name, your characters...but in the REAL world no one gets away with that. You'll never be published."

So the narrator is never named or described. It starts out with her in graduate school in England. She meets this total jackass egomaniac named Eugene and falls in love with him...even though it's obvious he's a douche who doesn't love her. She never graduates and ten years later she's still enamoured with Eugene. She never gets a real job and blah blah blah I know I can't believe I finished the book either, but like I said, I really DID enjoy the book. It was very funny. The story itself isn't funny. In fact, it's shitty really. But the characters were well, just that, characters. Some of them seemed so bizarre that I can't help but believe these people really do exist.

And I think every page had at least one sentence that was just amazingly perfect. It was clever, and as I've said before, good or bad i'm a sucker for clever.

April

18. Josie and Rebecca: The Western Chronicles by Vada Foster and B.L. Miller
Okay, this is a funny story. Wait, not the book, the book isn't funny at all, but the reason behind me reading it and then the book itself...well, that's what's funny. When I work at the library I am asked several times a day, "Have you read anything good lately?" or "What do you recommend?" or "I really like Karen Kingsbury, but I've read all her books. Do you know of any similar authors?" And the thing is I don't because I've never read any of her books. I know that she writes Christian fiction and...that's about it. I don't know if her stories are set in the "old west" like what'shisname Morris's books are or not. So usually I ask one of the other librarians for suggestions all, "Hmm, Kingsbury you say? Guys? You have any ideas?"

So I'm trying to read a couple of things that normally I'd never give a second glance to so's that I can be a well read library worker who's able to help old ladies find shitty books to read. It's a hardship, but what can I say? I'm dedicated to the job.

So I'm looking in the fiction stacks last week and I see a group of Christian fiction westerns on the top row. They're all the same size and have the same last name on the spine and so I pick the one with Josie in the title because Flippy's cat is named Josie and what a cute name and bonus: the book didn't say Book 1 or Book 2 or anything like that to make it part of a series. Perfect. A stand alone Christian western. If it's any good I can start recommending it.

So I'm reading this book, right? And the story is not believable, but we forgive that 'cos it's fiction. But it reads like the author just throws the characters together. The one character is Josie, and she's a badass outlaw. The other character is Rebecca, and she's an innocent farm girl who runs away cos her dad beats her. The two women end up traveling together...which was part of the unbelievable part. Then the women sort of become pals as they travel. Then they help people they meet. Halfway through the book i'm all, "I guess they're going to meet some dudes pretty soon? Probably Christian dudes? And they'll settle down and get married and be all BFF in the old west? yeah!" I say "halfway" but I'm not really sure if it was exactly halfway cos get this: THE PAGES ARE NOT NUMBERED. WTF? NO PAGE NUMBERS? WHAT THE HELL KIND OF PUBLISHING HOUSE IS THIS NO PAGE NUMBERS IF THAT DON'T BEAT ALL.

So halfway through I start not reading the book as intently as when I started the book. It seemed like it droned on and on and nothing different was happening. It was all camping and mishaps and helping people and Josie was getting nicer and Rebecca was getting better at not getting kidnapped. So I'm thinking, "This shit better get better soon. They better meet some dudes or one of them needs to die or SOMETHING." Well, about 60 pages (i'm guessing, like i said NO PAGE NUMBERS) from the end of the book i'm reading all blah blah blah HUH?! because JUST THEN one of the ladies tells the other one that she's in love with her!
And then the other lady? The other lady is all, "Oh, me too!"
So then I'm all, "Wait. They're gay?" Yes. They are gay, for the next 20 - 30 pages they have the gay sex every time they turn around (i'm guesstimating here.)

So here I am reading about cowgirl lesbians, completely shocked because I thought this was a some kind of Christian western and Laura, Liz...I swear I say OUT LOUD, "I thought they were just good friends!" (don't worry, that's only funny if you're Laura or Liz.)

"I thought they were just good friends." This is EXACTLY what I used to say about the Xena show. I really liked the Xena show until season 4 (i think) when Gabrielle was raped by fire and then had a demon baby who killed Xena's son? Yeah, that whole mess was so bad that I can't believe there were two more seasons after that. Anyway, I always thought they were just good friends but apparently everyone else thought they were gay.

Meanwhile, I didn't actually finish the book (but I'm counting it cos i read all but like, the last little bit), not because it's lesbian fiction, but because it was not that good anyway, and plus I can't recommend it to the little old ladies who like Karen Kingsbury. (What would the Juniah League say? Lowahd.)

This book was bad. Trust me, the fact that it had lesbian cowgirls is like, the best thing about this book. The rest of it read like bad Xena fanfic. But I gotta say, I'm proud that my library has gay fiction. How awesome is that?

17. Side Effects by Amy Goldman Koss
I found this book the other day while i was reshelving it at the 'brary and the cover was interesting with this bald girl doing this sort of huzzah! pose in these big baggy pants and I thought, "Hmm. Cancer story." So I read the back of the book and it seemed a little funny so I thought what the heck give it a shot.

It IS a cancer story about a 14 or 15 year old girl who has lymphoma. It's not really a typical story I don't think...not that I would know seeing as how I've not read many (if any?) stories about kids with cancer. I will say that the girl is very sarcastic and had a real smart mouth (reminds me of...me!) but that she was actually too sarcastic and not really emotional enough or something. Like she was bored by everyone including the cancer. It was a pretty short book especially for a YA book...those books seem to be getting thicker and thicker.

Anyway, it wasn't a bad book. There was some cursing in it, and she doesn't die...so there's that. I noticed on the jacket cover that it said something about a happy ending so I figured it was a safe read and not one that would end with me pouring buckets of tears out of my eyes. I guess what I liked best about the book was how she noticed that everyone around her was trying to act like every thing was all normal so as not to upset her, but that it was everyone "acting" all hunky-dory that was freaking her out.

meh.

16. Natural Born Charmer by Susan Elizabeth Phillips
So this novel was a complete mindless read. A romance story with crazy names like Blue, Riley, erm...Dean. However, it was a hilarious story and most of the characters were very sarcastic. So I loved it, and I'll be recommending it to everyone at the library. It starts out all "Wacky Premise!" and then just gets more crazy from there, but it's a funny story and like i say, the characters are way sarcastic.

March

15. Hannibal Rising by Thomas Harris
I had this book on reserve since January and it FINALLY came in last week and it was FINALLY my turn. I was so excited because it meant that I HAD to stop reading the other books I had (O'malley Series of Complete Waste of Time) and read something sinister. Every time the book was returned I'd ask the person who brought it back if they liked it or not. Most people said, "Meh." And one old lady was all, "It was about his childhood! Bah!" Which, duh, lady. I guess she didn't hear ANYTHING about the book or movie and chose NOT to read the jacket cover? I don't know. She didn't finish the book because it was about his childhood and that's not what she wanted to read about. Old ladies, guys. You never know what is going to set them off.

I wasn't sure what to expect what with people bringing it back going, "meh." and the fact that the last book, Hannibal, was one of the worst book betrayals I've ever read. Hannibal was so bad that I wanted my money back, I wanted my time back, and I wanted to have never read the book back. Er, you know what I mean. Not only was it gross for gross's sake (and I'm okay with gross as long as it adds something to the novel, but this was gross just to be gross, over and over), but it was a COMPLETE betrayal to Clarice Starling's character.
ASS.

The Silence of the Lambs was like perfection, and Hannibal was the antithesis of that very thing. So the best I was hoping for was that Hannibal Rising would be somewhere 'twixt the two.

I REALLY liked this book.

It takes place during and after WWII in Eastern Europe and France. Hannibal's family (very rich) is killed in the war and he and his sister are taken by looters and bad things happen and then the war is over and Hannibal (who is a genius, but also insane) goes to live with his uncle and aunt and then he goes to medical school and then he exacts his revenge on the bad guys who looted him and his sister when they were kids.

I love all the history bits and the art bits. The suspense was good. The chapters were short and had a plain white page before them so it was like you'd finish a chapter and then cleanse your palate before starting the next chapter. Or maybe like, if it was a movie, the blanks would kind of be like camera flashes flashing to the next memory. I dunno, but it didn't feel like a waste of paper.

So anyway, if you loved The Silence of the Lambs and felt betrayed by Hannibal, worry not. Hannibal Rising is much better.

14. The Protector by Dee Henderson
Yeah, same as the others. This time it was about Jack O'malley, a firefighter. It also involved his sister, Rachael a bit. The next book is about her. Anyway, Jack falls in love and becomes a Christian...both in the span of a month....just like the other books...

Only two more books to go. I recommend that you read the first one, The Negotiator and then not read any of the others. The first one is actually novel. The others are complete copies of the first one.

Jennifer's cancer is out of remission...and it's spread.

13. The Truthseeker by Dee Henderson
Eh, the series is pretty much formulaic by now. The focus is on one of the siblings. They fall in love and become Christian. There's danger and mystery solving. This one was about Lisa O'Malley. She's a forensic science person doctor of crime scenes. She ends up with Quinn Diamond, a U.S. Marshal and Marcus's (her brother) partner. They solve a mystery. And fall in love. And she ends up believing in God. It's just that easy.

The story is meh, but Jennifer (the one with cancer), is in remission and they get to have her wedding. I cried in some parts. I just know she's going to kill Jennifer in one of these books.

February

12. The Guardian by Dee Henderson
Look, every one loves a good series, right? If we didn't we wouldn't watch so much damn television. This is part two of the O'Malley series. In this epitomb we get Marcus's story, but we also get snippets of the other family memebers too. It's sweet and happy and I'm terrified that Jennifer is going to bite it in the next book.

Marcus O'Malley is a U.S. Marshal and he has to protect people. He ends up protecting a lady named Shari. They end up falling in love. I know. The love story is fairly trite compared to the peripheral story going on with Jennifer and the spine cancer. I actually had tears in my eyes during some of the Jennifer parts. She's not dead yet, right? But the parts where she's still trying to plan her wedding? YOU ARE KILLING ME. And I'm not sure if the author is going to make it a miraculous healing or if she's going to die.

It's seeming like the series is all taking place within the same year. Like this one picked up a week or two later from the first one, The Negotiator. And like that one, it's not preachy. Maybe a bit hokey, but not preachy.

11. Travels in the Scriptorium by Paul Auster
Ah, thank God for something with some substance, huh?
This book is fantastic and impossible for me to describe as I'm just not smart enough. It reminded me of Jorges Borges's work and how he uses fiction (as in books) within his fiction. I love that stuff.

Every sentence this guy writes is amazing. Like he takes sentences and grinds them with on grinding wheel and shapes them into beautiful things that you want to look at.

The story is like metahpor, or maybe I should be using the word metaphysical? it's just meta. totally meta. I've not read much of Mr. Auster's work, just a couple of short stories and The Brooklyn Follies. But while reading the novel you get that Mr. Blank is the author and that he's kind of trapped by his characters. Anyway it's amazing, and even the bit of story (the typescript) itself is engaging and you really want to know what happens in that story too.

I thought that the authors' names were clever in that Fanshawe was also the name of the first book that Nathaniel Hawthorne wrote, and that John Trause, the name of the other author in the book was the novelist in Oracle Night and that Trause is an anagram for Auster.
Clever, beit good or bad, i enjoy it.

10. The Negotiator by Dee Henderson
I thought I should start reading some of that christian fiction that has become so very popular lately. And since lots of old ladies come in the library all the time asking, "You know of any good books?" and since I can't reply with, "Yes, you should try Danielewski's House of Leaves. It'll change your life." I figure I should read some of that happy, positive christian fiction and hope for the best. Because that and Nora Roberts is all the southern biddies read. Oh, and Fern Michaels.

I have the same trepidation of reading christian fiction as I do the chick lit. (Why does chick lit have it's own name? why can't girls write books and just have them called "fiction" like when guys write books? and why do they all have clever titles but dumb covers with pants and shoes and purses on them? Fuck you, the namers of chick lit.)

I want to be open and positive about it all, "Yay! I'm glad there are so many books to read!" But I can't help myself to be all jaded and thinking, "Great. Fiction for Christians. What the hell does that even mean? Are the characters Christian? Are the stories preachy? Is there any sexxing?"

So anyway, The Negotiator is part one in the O'Malley series. The O'Malleys are a family of seven orphans who grew up together in a group home and decided to take the same last name. Now they are all grown up and one of them is a doctor and one is a forensic pathologist (as they are) and one is a psychologist and one is a fireman and one is a paramedic and one is a U.S. Marshall and one is a...
negotiator.

So Kate O'Malley is a negotiator. And she gets sent in to talk to a guy who's at a bank, and he's going to blow up the bank and some hostages. One of the people trapped in the bank is an FBI guy named David. David is amazed by Kate's ability to be so calm and awesome and how she saves the day being calm and awesome. David and Kate become friends and they want to date each other but Kate is too badass and she "doesn't date cops" (as they don't) and he can't date her because...she's not a Christian.

Sigh.

And it was here at this point that I wanted to get real pissy and be all, "Way to be all loving and such, fella." But then I got to thinking about it and in all honesty I'm not sure I would date someone seriously if they weren't Christian. I'm not sure what to make of that, really. So I'm giving the author a break on that one.

Anyway lots of drama in the form of mystery solving and family cancer and such and they figure it out and save the day and Kate eventually believes in Jesus and they finally date and you get the feeling that they'll get married within the next year.

Look, it's fiction okay? I never said literature.

Anyway, it was a pretty good story and while there are a lot of characters in it they weren't confusing (like in the Grafton novels) and it wasn't preachy like I thought it would be. So I'm giving it 3 Cansecos for being pleasantly readable and surprisingly unpreachy.

HOWEVER, Ms. Henderson, throughout the book Kate and David are enamoured with each others' accents (hers is southern and his is british) and yet NEITHER ONE OF THEM says anything even remotely southern or british. There's no dialectic spellings or words or anything. You should've left the accent thing out because it added nothing to the story and was actually kind of disappointing. I blame your editor mostly.

9. D is For Deadbeat
Deadbeat? Really? Because I think I could come up with like, a dozen better D words for a murder mystery title.

So in this one Kinsey gets ripped off by a dude who ends up dead. So she then solves the mystery for the dead dude's daughter and it turns out that the killer is one of the 742 characters in the book.

Meanwhile she finally does it with Jonah!

But to me that kinda sucked because even though his wife is a conniving tit wank, she's still his wife. It's HIS problem that he TOOK HER BACK even thought WE ALL KNEW that she was going to be a HUGE TIT WANK and that he would be SO MUCH BETTER OFF if he had just divorced her in the first place so he could be with Kinsey.

But no, he tried to reconcile for the sake of the kids. Which, while noble and probably worth some adult points, never works and now he's lost any acrued adult points he may have had. Because you know that somehow the tit wank is going to find out about it. THEN she'll divorce him and take the kids AND all his money.

8. C is for Corpse by Sue Grafton
More like C is For Can You Believe I Read the Third One?
This one was better than the second one because it had a really neat character in it...whom she kills off, but still, a pretty good character. Lessee, Kinsey helps a rich kid who was in a bad accident and was all broken up and had some amnesia figure out who was trying to kill him. Only, she solves the mystery too late and the kid gets killed anyway. Still, there is justice.

I really like how the books flow into each other. In fact, the fourth book kinda starts in the third book, but not really. I like continuity like that, I wish more shows and series-es would do that.

I'm wondering though, if Kinsey gets shot/beat up/drugged and beat up/whatever at the end of every book? If so, you'd think she'd start to pack some heat again. Pattern, is all's I'm sayin'.

January

7. Grave Surprise by Charlaine Harris
Dude, I lied. The liberry totally had it.

This series is getting even more creepy in the step-brother/sister love. The mystery part of the book is way over the top way too dumb for words. And really, the only reason why it's like that is the ending is like, way abrupt and so you know that the mystery part is just the vehicle for the love story plot.

The love story plot of blech, that is.

This time the sister realizes that she's in love with her step-bro. And true, they're not actually related by blood...still, no. Stop it.
Stop. It.
To be honest the sis does seem to be horrified by the knowledge that she's fallen for her step-bro. And to her credit she's not acted on any feelings, and she plans to somehow get him to move on and not be her helper any more. But we all know that in the third book they will get together and have godless sex.

I liked the cover though.

6. Needled to Death by Maggie Sefton
This is the second book in the series and it's boring. This time one of the weavers/alpaca farmers is murdered it's like, really, what are the damn odds? That and when Kelly finds the murdered body she's all calm about it like she finds dead people all the time. Oh sure, in the first book two people are killed but i don't think she's the one who finds the bodies...or maybe she did find the second body. It doesn't matter.

And what is with the CONSTANT COFFEE THING? She is constantly drinking coffee and acting like IT'S THE BIGGEST DEAL EVER. It drives me nuts. And she never describes it as just great coffee, she has to call it "potent brew" or "delectable nectar" or some other bullshit. Which, wouldn't be so bad once or twice a novel but it's like EVERY DAMN CHAPTER. FUCKING JUST STOP IT, OKAY?! WE GET IT. SHE LIKES COFFEE. HELL, I LIKE COFFEE. I GET THE COFFEE LOVE. NOW SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT IT.

Again the love interest is put off. I mean, everyone knows that Kelly and Steve are TOTALLY going to get together...probably in the third book. They finally go on a date in this one.

Anyway there's two murders and they catch the killer.

5. Grave Sight by Charlaine Harris
This is a new series by the same lady who writes the Sookie Stackhouse series. I read the first Sookie Stackhouse book either last year or the year before and I can't remember why I never read the rest. Maybe the library doesn't have them? I'll have to look sometime. Anyway, this is a new series with new characters.

It's kinda meh. The main characters are Harper Connelly and her step-brother Tolliver Lang. When she was 15 she was struck by lightning and now she can find dead bodies and when she's standing over a grave or at a dead body she can tell how they died. She can never see who the killer is though. Bummer.

This would have been an all right book if the bro and sis hadn't been kind of...close, you know? I mean, sure, seeing as how they're step-bro and sis i get that they're not actually related. But still the parts where he would have to comfort her or whatnot was kinda just...blech. Not cool.
They don't kiss or sleep together or anything, but still it was just enough to be oogy. And it didn't have to be that way. Remember in the first Jeepers Creepers movie? They were bro and sis and it worked.

The story is they go to some podunk town in Arkansas and they end up finding the body they were hired to find but it stirs up a heap of trouble and then people try to kill them and blah blah blah whodunit cakes.

They solve the mystery and move on to the next gig which is the 2nd book in the series called Grave Surprise which the library doesn't have yet.  

4. B is For Burglar by Sue Grafton
The title should have been B is For Boring because the book was VERY boring until the last 30 or so pages. Once again there was too many characters to keep up with. I did like that the story took place a week after the first one.

The mystery was something like this lady hires Kinsey to find her sister but then she doesn't want her to find her sister and anyway turns out the neighbor did it. At one point, the neighbor is hiding in an apartment in Florida and when she leaves she trashes the place and also smears her shit all over.

How gross is that, yo?

Like I said though, boring.

3. A is For Alibi by Sue Grafton
Perhaps I've mentioned how I hate it when the author does a pisspoor job of describing what the main character looks like? All I know about Kinsey Millhone is that she has short hair and runs a lot. But what color hair? And just how short? Is it a bob? curly? or is it actually short...like Mia Farrow in Rosemary's Baby short? We...aren't told. All the author gives us is short hair, a runner, and also she's a PI who can't be bothered to actually live in a real house/apartment because she just doesn't care enough about where she lives, what she wears, or apparently how she looks.

Another point against this book is that there are approximately 48 characters in it (who, i might add, have been described in detail. fuck. you.) and it's impossible to keep up with them and why they may or may not be important.

As I was reading this book I noticed that a hotel room was 12 bucks and there was no mention of cell phones or the Internet and I thought to myself, "Hm. This must be older than the '90s." Which does not bother me. I just thought that this series was more recent than that. But then when one of the characters was eating caramel flavored Ayds...I had to check the publish date. It was 1981.

So now I'm a bit concerned, right? Because the author is up to 'S' now (S is for Silence), and my concern is the age of the character and if the author manages to stay true to the timeline. The only reason I say I'm "concerned" is that I've read P. Cornwell's Scarpetta series and SOMEHOW Scarpetta stays in her 40s while her niece ages from 11 to 19 in two years.
I'm just saying.
People do pay attention, authors.

So I asked one of the librarians about it cos she had mentioned that she's read the series and she says that the lady is still the same age and that it's still 1982 or roughly the same time period. So I started B is for Burglar and noticed that it takes place a week after the first one. There ya go.

Anyway, it's not riveting, and I think that's because Kinsey herself is kinda not riveting. She doesn't care so why should we?

2. Sleeping with Fear by Kay Hooper
This was the last book in the Fear trilogy. Also, it was the most blah. This is part of the Bishop/SCU series. Usually at least one character in the book will be kinda funny or sarcastic, but not really in this one. In this one she sticks to her redundant formula of
1. there's a psychic of some kind: empath, clairvoyant, medium, etc.
2. that psychic loses his/her psychicness somehow
3. there's a love interest
4. the love interest is THE ONLY person who can help the psychic get his/her powers back by being his/her "lifeline"
5. there's screwing
6. the mystery gets solved

Ms. Hooper does a shitty job of describing what the main character, Riley, looks like. That always bothers me when I can't picture what the character looks like. Anyway, I'd recommend reading the Evil series (although the Shadows series came first, but don't worry about those.) and then forget that she ever wrote the others.

1. Knit One, Kill Two by Maggie Sefton
A ha! The perfect way to trick myself back into reading! A murder mystery book WITH KNITTING! Honestly, I checked out this book because of the title.

This is the first book in the series (oh yes, it's a series.), and it wasn't bad. It's about a girl, Kelly, who's aunt Helen is murdered and so Kelly has to go and deal with that and then she figures out that something more sinister than just a robbery gone bad is going on. And since there's a coffee shop/yarn store next to her house she learns to knit. The parts with the knitting and the way she describes Kelly's reaction to all the pretty yarns is kinda accurate, but the way she went on and on about this particular pink yarn was really redundant and blah.

The one word I'd use to describe this book would be cute. I hate that because I'm sure if i wrote a murder mystery I wouldn't want people to be all, "Aw, what a cute book!" So I feel bad saying that the book was cute, but really, it was. Also, it was short and sweet and TOTALLY did not tie up any loose ends AT ALL which of course left it open for sequels.