May 2004 Dribblings

Category: dribblings

5.30.04
i saw the movie matchstick men with nic cage and that other guy in it?
yeah.
that is one of the worst movies i’ve ever seen.
“the previews made this movie look like it was going to be a comedy.”
“can we sue somebody for this?”

5.29.04
mr. fleegan says he’s fixed my server problems.
dare i dream?

OMG. it worked!

thanks mr. fleegan.

and thank you laura, for letting me have a temp blog on your site. we should have done that a month ago. i think it really got the ball rolling.

j: i updated my blog today.

mr. f: you did? it’s working?

j: no. i put everything on a geocities site.

mr. f: oh.

5.27.04

no cavities!

******

Dear Fictional Character Dr. Kay Scarpetta,

You finally made it to the Body Farm on page 317 of a 382 page book. Also you were there for like, 3 pages. I hardly think that constitutes for naming a book The Body Farm. Also, you killed someone, and you act like it’s no big deal. Kinda like how you’re handling your affair with a married man. And you expect me to believe that you’re all worried about your niece Lucy? You aren’t worried about anybody but yourself.

What about sweet Connie, you bitch?

Love Always,

Jaimie Pickle

5.26.04

i have a dentist appointment tomorrow.

******

Dear Fictional Character Kay Scarpetta,

Hi. You don’t know me, because you’re not real. However, i thought i’d just drop you a line saying that i really enjoyed the first four books that you’ve “starred in” i guess i should say. i’ve enjoyed reading about your job as medical examiner for Richmond, VA, and i really dig all the mysteries. However, i’m really curious about something. Do most medical examiners have a problem with people trying to kill them? i mean, really? i can see it happening once. But every time? C’mon Kay, give me a break. i think you try to get killed for the attention.

So anyway, here i am on Book 5. It’s called The Body Farm, remember? Hey, you’re good at mysteries, right Kay? Well, maybe you can help me with this one. Why is it that over 200 pages into a book called The Body Farm, has there been no mention of the body farm? Do you suppose it’s going to show up in the last 50 pages along with all the other necessary mystery solving bullshit? Hey Kay, maybe you should tell your author that your books are getting way too formulaic. Just a thought.

Oh Kay, who am i kidding, right? Millions of readers (including myself) will continue to read your books because we’re hooked. We love you and your gay niece Lucy so much that we’re willing to accept all the rehashing of characters and plots. However, what i’m finding a little hard to accept is that in Book 5 you’re having an affair with one of the re-occurring characters. He’s a married man, Kay! You know his wife! She’s a really sweet lady named Connie! How can you do this to sweet, sweet Connie?!

You’re a cold-hearted, selfish bitch, Scarpetta.

Hugs,

jaimie pickle

PS. Is it imperitive that you mention your poor, Italian heritage and that you love to cook real Italian food in EVERY GODDAMN BOOK? Can we give it a rest? Your last name is Scarpetta. WE GET IT.

5.23.04

my self portrait was a hit at the last art show. i think everyone was rather surprised by it in a “hey, jaimie really can paint!” kinda way. and that makes me happy.

the thing is when people see that you can do this one cool thing, then they want you to “do one for me.” so now i’m working on a portrait for an actual person. for money.

money.

and hey, i’ll do anything for money, right? but i’m kinda bummed because my portrait was at a really severe angle and was cropped off so much that it was practically abstract unless you were standing 30 feet away from it. and it was so cool. but now. doing a portrait for a “client”. who will want a nice normal portrait. no severe angles. no cool cropping. no abstraction.

it doesn’t seem like art.

seems more like work.

feh.

still though, money.

*****

we had to go to the pastor’s house today for an Open House. so i walk in and who’s the first person i see? the EP. for the love. is this guy gonna haunt me forever? leave! go! be gone! feh!

so this was the first time i had been to the new pastor’s house, and of course i’m nosy. so i beeline for a bookcase to see what kind of books he reads and to get away from the EP. and i’m looking and i’ve read that book and that book and part of that book and oh man, he’s got that book? neat. i loved that book. and what’s these books? it looks like some kinda sci-fi/fantasy series or something. neat. oh wait. what the hell? he’s got a sean hannity book? that guy is a tool. what on earth could he write a book on? oh. oh no. god no. please lord, tell me my eyes are playing tricks on me…he’s got treason? ann coulter, cut your throat, you monster!

no.

noooooooooooooooooooo!

the best i can hope for is that someone bought him that tripe as a gift. and hopefully he never got around to reading it.

5.20.04
no updates for several days because i’ve been working too hard. and playing too hard. but it’s not like it matters anyway since i haven’t been able to post any of this nonsense ‘cos mr. fleegan won’t fix whatever the hell is wrong with the server.
bah.

tami sparks sent me an e-mail and she made me this:

because she loves me.

5.14.04
sometimes my father and i have completely made up conversations that have nothing to do with our real lives. i think it’s because we’re around each other so much while we’re working so we already know what the other one watched on tv or read the night before. so a lot of our time is spent talking in fake voices and discussing things that have never happened.

sometimes the fake voices we use are very southern, slingblade-esque if you will.
like the other day dad was browing some burger meat:

dad: well, ah’m gonna drayne the beef drippin’s.

me: hay, y’all gonna save ’em drippin’s fer gravy?

dad: naw, it’s just haimburger drippin’s. ain’t no good. too runny.

me: dang.

dad: yeah. they ain’t like ’em good bacon drippin’s.

me: ’em bacon drippin’s is so thick. we used to make candles outta ’em. that was before the edison bub though. ’em in-can-deesent bubs came ‘long and we stopped makin’ ’em fat candles.

dad: i like-a take the bacon drippin’s and let ’em get real hard and slice ’em up thick and put it own a biscuit. that’s good eatin’.

me: oh god, that’s awful. you win.

5.13.04
i haven’t done a letter in a while.

Dear Linda Eder,

Hi! First of all, i’m a huge fan of your work. i mean sure, you’re kinda like Barbra Streisand and Celine Dion’s love child combo, but to me, you’re your own talent. Don’t let anyone tell you that you’re just another Easy Listening or Generic Jazz Muzak Station hack. You’re the best!

However, your Broadway My Way album has got to be one of the biggest disappointments of my CD collection, and i’ve got lots of crappy CDs. Kylie Minogue for instance. Apparently Broadway your way means to take a couple of awesome broadway songs and a couple of blandly mediocre Broadway songs and equalize them into a collection of 13 suckass songs. Okay, you know what? 11 suckass songs. i’m gonna give you Unusual Way and Man of La Mancha. And maybe i’m a moron or something, but i can’t help but notice that those two songs are also on your It’s Time album. So i’m thinking that deep down you knew that the Broadway album was going to suck hugely if you didn’t put at least two songs you knew you could do well.

So really, why do a Broadway album in the first place? An excuse to sing Barbra’s songs? You hated Edellweiss so much you thought it would be fun to do the worst version of that song imaginable? And was The Impossible Dream was too slow for your taste? Why did you rush that song?

Listen Linda, i’m telling you this because i love you, stick to what you do best: singing songs your husband writes for you.

hugs,

Jaimie Pickle

5.10.04
i recently read the first two patricia cornwell “kay scarpetta novels” they were pretty good. i’m gonna read a few more but i can tell that they’re gonna be the same book over and over again. still, scarpetta reminds me of agent scully sans the whole alien thing, so i’m gonna read a few more.

at the moment i’m reading confederacy of dunces. yes, i know, how 1981 of me. i don’t know how i’m going to finish it. it’s one of those books where you hate, hate, hate the main character. but dad read it last week and he keeps telling me to stick with it because it’s a really good book. to tell you the truth, the only reason i’m giving it a shot is because i read where the guy who wrote the book commited suicide and his mom took his manuscript to a college to have some professor read it. the prof didn’t want to read it, but eventually did, loved it and got it published.

it won a pulitzer prize.

*****

so i’m working at the Holy House and i have to go to the lobby to use the restroom ‘cos when i’m painting in the apartments there’s never any toilet paper in the rooms. so i go downstairs and use the Little Painter’s Room, and then i go and get a soda out of the machine that’s in the “excersize room” and there’s actually an old lady on one of the stationary bicycles, and she’s slowly peddling while talking to this other old lady who is sitting in a rocking chair. (and now for the Worst Sentence Ever Award…envelope please…) ANYWAY. Bicycle Oldster says, “well hey! it’s one of the painters!” and i say hi and Rocking Chair Oldster says, “she paints?” as if i’m not there and the BO says,”yeah! and she even paints her hair! hahaha!”

yeah. haha. like i haven’t heard THAT one 96 kazillion times since i’ve started working there.

but i smile and say, “yeah!” and BO says, “take off yer hat and show her.” so i do because one must always do what an old person tells them to do. otherwise a gang of oldsters will come out of nowhere and slowly club you.

and the RCO says, “oh my word!” and then, “you know, that’s how the kids are wearing their hair nowadays. i seen ’em with two colors in their hair.” like i’m not even there. and she says, “did you do it with peroxide?”

“no ma’am i used-“

“i wonder if i could do that to my hair.”
this lady has snow white hair. she could have any color she wants.

“well, sure!” i say, “what color you want?”

“oh. you just think that us old folks can get away with whatever we want. but we can’t. not as long as we have kids we can’t.”

i wasn’t sure how to respond to that.

5.08.04
we (my peeps and i) painted at Dreamplex 1.0 today. it was a hot day. but i think lots of work got done. so that makes me happy.
also, it was really hot out.

5.06.05
so.
the reason that my printer would not work:
i am a girl.

i am a girl who follows all directions when installing computery things. and since all computery things are made by men, nothing ever works like it should. why? communication.

the reason. my printer driver. would not. install?
the USB hub, that i HAD to buy so i could hook up more than two USB thingies at a time, came with an ac adapter. the directions that came with said hub said to plug the ac adapter in the wall socket. so, like a good girl, i did.

apparently, although it WAS NEVER MENTIONED IN THE INSTRUCTIONS, since the hub was plugged into the computer it was drawing power from the computer and didn’t need to be plugged into the wall. and it was because of THAT that my printer driver WOULD NOT EXTRACT ITSELF SO THAT I COULD INSTALL IT.

now. did the error i kept getting from the driver say ANYTHING AT ALL about ANYTHING being the problem with something other than the software itself, oh say for instance, that something was wrong with the port it was plugged into? hmm? did the error give me any clue that perhaps it wasn’t actually the SOFTWARE that was bollixed but that there was a problem with a bit of HARDWARE i had previously installed? hmm? did it?

nay.
the error merely said that the driver, or file, could not extract itself. it gave no reasons. why? because some dude wrote the error message. and it wasn’t the least bit helpful.
error: file will not extract.

but why?! why?!

look man, i’m not asking you to read my mind or read my computer’s mind, but come on, gimmie a clue. i mean, girls, we might not come out and say to someone’s face, “hey dumbass, you’ve got bad breath!” but we will try and help out the situation, “breathmint?”
error: this software ain’t doin’ nothin’ til you get that printer hooked up right, beeyotch.

it’s a man’s world.
good thing i love men.

5.05.04
mr. fleegan downloaded and extracted the printer driver for me and put it on a tiny CD-R. it’s purple and so cute.
still, the driver would not install itself. i keep getting a “general protection” error.

i’m even more baffled than yesterday.
oh, and slightly angry too.

5.04.04
the software that came with the printer will not “extract” itself.
i am baffled.

5.03.04
so i finally broke down and bought a color printer. i’m quite proud that i’ve managed to not own a color printer for the last 5 years. it was easy when i worked at the sign shop ‘cos i could use the printer there. but since i haven’t worked there for a year that means i haven’t printed anything in color for a year. and for an artist who uses the computer for things like ART, well, it’s depressing to not have access to a color printer.

oh, but i hate color printers ‘cos they’re so slow and noisy and you’ve gotta buy inks all the time and they break so easily and blah blah. i’m so in love with my b/w laser printer because i never have to buy inks and it always works and it’s so quiet and i’m going to have it’s children.

so me going out and purchasing a color printer is a pretty big deal. i keep telling myself it was necessary. “jaimie,” i said, “you HAVE to come off the hip with some cash and go out and buy a color printer because you are NOT, i repeat, NOT going to be one of Those People who ask their friends to print out stuff for you. you are a grown-up with a grown-up job who makes grown-up money and for the love stop hording it all under your matress and BUY A DAMN COLOR PRINTER.”
“yes ma’am.” i replied.

but you know how it is with this computer stuff. it’s impossible for me to buy a new component for my computer without having to buy AT LEAST one more thing that will allow the new component to work. remember the iPod shennanigans? i had to get FireWire for that to work. whatever the hell FireWire is. and installing that was a job and a half. the first one i got was NOT COMPATABLE WITH MY COMPUTER. FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER. it was so incompatable that my computer would not turn on. of course none of that matters now as the iPod works and is wonderful, but i’m cheating on him with my laser printer because i could actually live without the iPod (shhhh!) but i’d have to kill myself and the iPod in a tragic murder/suicide if the printer ever decided to leave.

anyway. i couldn’t just buy a new color printer because
1. all my USB ports are already in use* and
2. i need a UPS because now, when i use my lover laser printer the overhead light flickers, and i figure i’m playing with fire if i plug anything else in any outlets in my room.

so mr fleegan and i are at the Popular Office Store, and he tells me i’ll need to get a USB cable for the printer, and because i’m such a panicky girl about the whole thing i say quite loudly and panicky, “but mr. fleegan! i only have two holes and they are already plugged up!” meaning: both of my USB ports are in use and when i need to use the scanner i have to unplug one of those, it’s quite complicated but hey, what are ya gonna do?

and he knows what i mean, cos he can pretty much read my mind.

however, that still doesn’t change the fact that i’ve belted out that MY TWO HOLES ARE PLUGGED UP! in the middle of the store. he replied, “i wish i had a tape recorder right now.”
because he’s like that.
oh yes he is.

so i have to buy a printer and a UPS thingie and a USB hub. and i get it all for less than $200. which i’m thrilled to death over. and i’m excited about the USB hub more than anything ‘cos it’s small and sleek and i can plug four things into it and if i need more i can buy more ‘cos they plug into each other and they’re stackable and okay enough about that.

so i was going to have mr. fleegan hook it all up for me, but then i decided i wanted to try it myself first. so i sent him home.
“thanks for helping me pick out all that stuff. i would have been clueless.”
“i know.”
“shut up. let’s hook it up now.”
“now?”
“well, nah. i’ll hook it up. you can go home.”
“are you kicking me out?”
“yeah. bye.”
“fine then. i’m outta here.”
“okay. have a good night.”
“yeah.”
“and hey, you know that i’m not really kicking you out right? i figure you’ll be bored watching me struggle with the computer stuff and would rather be playing your xbox anyway.”
“yeah.”
“i’m not really kicking you out, you know?”
“yeah. just as long as you know i’m not really going home and playing xbox.”
“ha. ha.”

it took me an hour to hook up the hub and the UPS thing. sad but true.

then came the printer. which i haven’t hooked up yet. because see, i got it all together and plugged into the wall and see, we forgot to get the USB cable for the printer. because of the whole, “i’ve only got two holes and their both plugged up!” moment.

but what i don’t understand is why a BRAND NEW PRINTER IN IT’S BRAND NEW BOX DOESN’T ALREADY COME WITH A CABLE WITH WHICH TO PLUG THE PRINTER INTO THE COMPUTER BECAUSE THAT STOOPID CABLE SHOULD COME WITH THE PRINTER FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!

if women were in charge of the Computer World, stupid shit like that would not happen. because a woman would make sure that the NEW PRINTER would come COMPLETE with all NECESSARY components like for instance, a goddamn umbilical cord.

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