2006 50 Books I

Category: 50 Books

25. Forever Odd by Dean Koontz
This is the sequel to Odd Thomas and it was not nearly as good as Odd Thomas. I mean, not even close. In this book one of Odd’s friends is kidnapped by a crazy lady. And Odd uses his powers to find him. And that’s it. It’s not as sweet or funny as the first book.

It gets 5 Canseco Bombs. i’ve never given any book 5 before. What a let down, Mr. Koontz!

24. Odd Thomas by Dean Koontz
I haven’t read a Koontz book since I was in high school. I think the last one I read was Intensity, and remember they made that TV movie out of it? All I can remember is the guy saying, “Now THAT’S! inTENSE !” Good times.

I enjoyed this novel. It was funny, sweet, weird, and very sad. Odd Thomas (his first name is Odd) is this 20 year old guy who can see the dead. He helps dead people. He’s a really nice guy. I can’t really talk about the book with out mentioning spoilers though. I really appreciated the humor in the book.

I’m currently reading the sequel Forever Odd.

23. One for the Money by Janet Evanovich
Tina “Sugarlips Muldoon” Sewell gave me that book last year to read for my fifty. Well, I was a year late in reading it, but I think it worked out okay. This is the first book in the Stephanie Plum series. This book was pretty funny and I love how the character, Stephanie, deals with everything. She becomes a bounty hunter ‘cos she needs the money. But she knows noting about capturing people. (The first guy she goes after is a cop wanted for murder. He’s innocent and all, and she helps him prove his innocence and you can totally tell that he’s going to be in the other books and they’ll probably do it.) I know. Stupid premise but it’s really funny. The only thing I don’t get is why she’s ALWAYS wearing spandex biker’s shorts. Wha fuh? I just…don’t get that. Maybe it’s a Jersey thing?

Anyway, it’s light reading and I’m totally glad to start another series since I know I won’t get to read the lastest Scarpetta novel ‘cos it’s always checked out at the library, and that’s fine ‘cos I’m in hate with her right now anyway. Besides, Stephanie Plum is funny.

22. Trace by Patricia Cornwell
Why do I do this? Why do I continue to read a series of books when I know it’s time to STOP reading the series because it’s the same ol’ bullshit over and over AND? AND?! It’s obvious that the author is done with the series as well. And I knew this. I knew it 2 books ago, yes I’m looking at you, Blow Fly. And don’t even get me started on The Last Precinct. Lord, have mercy.

So, Trace. More of the same only I don’t know how she did it, but Scarpetta is actually even MORE bitchy in this book. How was that possible? I DON’T KNOW. In fact? ALL the characters have become hateful, bitchy people. Wha’ happened?

And I thought that maybe Ms. Cornwell was trying to make way for Lucy’s character. Y’know, like, maybe Lucy would sort of take over and Scarpetta would be one of the peripheral characters. Yeah, a good idea I thought. But no. Or rather, better not. Because she makes Lucy just as hateful and fucked up as the others. I don’t get it. There’s no love! Scarpetta and Benton are having a “time out”. They can’t “be there”  for each other…and not just ‘cos they live 800 miles apart, but because they’re both EMOTIONALLY FRIGID.

Marino still pines for Scarpetta. Blah blah blah. But AT LEAST Ms. Cornwell hasn’t killed him off with a heart attack yet. In fact, he’s been working out and is on the Atkin’s Diet. How nice for him.

And Lucy, geezloiuse. She needs therapy AND she’s a spoiled brat.

I’m so sick of these characters and apparently so is Ms. Cornwell. Except that there’s a new one out now. Shit.

You know I’ll read it.
And NOT because I want to, but because I have to. It’s an OCD thing, you understand, right? You know I don’t enjoy this anymore, right? Right? Oh mommy make it stop.

 

 

21. The Heart is a Lonely Hunter by Carson McCullers
What is it about The South?
This novel was good, but only because it’s old. It was published in 1940, and the story takes place in a southern town in 1938-39. I think if it was written today it would still be good, but no one would care. There is zero action. It’s like a slice of life thing mostly, but it’s all sad, stuck lives. There’s a feeling of hopelessness throughout the whole book. And I’m sure that’s what the author was going for because hey, 1930s southern town…what else is there? The people are dirt poor and the black people are treated like dirt. There’s not much positive here.

There’s a girl. And her part in the story is, of course, the coming of age story. Which is fine. And going in I kinda figured she’d be raped by one of the mutes or the other dirty, constantly sweating men, but no.
She has sex with the neighbor kid, and I think she was just curious about the whole thing. In fact, if I hadn’t been expecting it I’m sure I wouldn’t have even known that what I had just read was a “sex part”. Because people back then sure didn’t write the sex as explicit as they do now. Which is fine, but honestly, if I’d have read this in high school I totally would’ve been confused about any question on the test about sex ‘cos I’d have never picked up on the fact that there was sex in the book, that’s how well it was hidden.

In this book, and probably her other books (I really don’t know ‘cos i’ve never read any of Mrs. McCullers other books) like other southern writers (read: Faulkner) she has characters that are Grotesques, and that’s always interesting to me. I don’t consider deaf mutes to be grotesque, but there’s something about the south that makes anything in it slightly more groteseque than it really is. Wow, am I hating on the south? Well, that’s okay, because I live here…and it’s true.

This book, it turns out, is one of Oprah’s Book Club books because Oprah is a facist. I kid. Anyway, don’t read this unless you like Southern Gothic books. I liked it, but it’s definetly not a, “Oh my gosh! You HAVE to read this before you die!” book.

20. The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown
Honestly, the only reason I read this is I wanted to read it before I saw the movie which comes out next month. So if you plan on seeing the movie and don’t want to know anything about it, like, how it ends, stop reading this. It may contain SPOILERS for you. I guess.

I was disappointed because let me just say right off, all the codes in the book? The codes that lead the Tom Hanks and the French Lady to the Holy Grail which may or may not actually be a goblet but could possibly be a person? The codes? The codes aren’t Leonardo’s codes at all. The codes were written by the French Lady’s Dead Grandpa. The codes are like that game we all played when we were kids, Treasure Hunt, were you leave a clue and that clue leads to another clue…only in their case the codes lead to some of Leonardo’s paintings ‘cos the french guy hid something behind it, and they also have interpol after them.
So big, fat lie about the codes being all “Da Vinci”. Letdown.

Next! The Holy Grail blah blah blah Mary Magdalene blah blah blah I don’t care. The Catholic Church blah blah blah I really don’t care. I hear that the Vatican is not thrilled with the book or movie and that it is encouraging catholics to boycott the film. Yes, because that’s…worked before? I mean, they think THIS gives the Catholic Church a bad rap? Oh, shut up, Catholic Church you should worry more about your child ass-raping priests and stop treating your parishioners like they belong to a midwest elementary school.

I think people forget that it’s just a novel…even if some of it is based on truth…it’s still fiction, people.

I don’t think I would have enjoyed the book as much if i had not had several art history classes in college. I think the book would’ve seemed even more fake and hokey if I didn’t have that background. So I really don’t understand why it was so popular. This is going to be an action film for nerds…without spaceships and Han Solo. Which is kinda cool I think.

The book gets 3 Jose Cansecos because there’s always too many actiony/cliffhanger chapter endings in Dan Brown’s books, which make the story so hokey you want to laugh.

19. The Isle of Dogs by Patricia Cornwell
This is the 3rd book in her Other Series and not the Scarpetta Series. This book was too long and kinda boring which is a damn shame because it was actually enjoyable. I love this series because it’s funny, and Ms. Cornwell can actually write funny. (And the Worst Sentece Award goes to…) She is able to capture the funniness of miscommunication. That is really what the whole series is about, miscommunication and the hilarity that ensues. It actually reminds me of the comedic short stories of Guy de Maupassant. Or maybe I’m thinking of Anton Chekhov. Or both? Whichever one wrote the funny stories about everyday life. Look, the fact that I can even remember those two names and that one of them may have written funny short stories is a miracle okay? I majored in art had two classes of American Lit., and those names are obviously foreign.

I know it seems blasphemous to compare a modern writer of pulpy forensic science stories to one (or two, actually) classic modern writers who made short stories famous…anyway, whatever. This series is really enjoyable.

However, there was one subplot of the book that confused me ‘cos it was never really cleared up: the character Unique, who I think may have been possessed? Or was she just crazy? This was never totally resolved and that bothered me.

PS: “classic modern writer”? is that even…?

18. The Beautiful Side of Evil by Johanna Michaelsen
This was a non-fiction book about a lady, Ms. Michaelsen, who was involved in the occult. But she thought she was just involved in miraculous healings since she was always praying to Jesus. Also, she could see ghosts and demons.

After a couple of years, she finally figured out that hey, maybe this isn’t from God. And I was all, “No shit, lady. What was the tip? Was it the mexican lady who OBVIOUSLY BECAME POSSESSED when she performed miracle surgeries? because THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN A CLUE FOR ME.” But I wasn’t there and of course I’m not judging her at all.

It’s a weird book. But the ending is pretty good because it’s about some “rules of thumb” (hee) when dealing with spiritual things. So the book is worth just that part alone. The actual story part of the book is okay.

17. Chill of Fear by Kay Hooper
Go to hell. It’s a TRILOGY. I can’t just NOT read the other two books. (Luckily the last one hasn’t come out yet…or if it has, the library doesn’t have it.)
Same formula as the last one only this time the psychic didn’t know she was a psychic; she just thought she was crazy. Also, there wasn’t much of a romance story in it although the male psychic FBI agent does kiss her at the end, and shut up i totally did not give the ending away because if you’ve ever read any of these you KNOW that the two psychics ALWAYS, fucking ALWAYS get together at the end.

Just once i’d like for the two psychics to either be gay or hate each other.

16. Hunting Fear by Kay Hooper
Oh, I know. I said I would never read any more Kay Hooper books. I said they were crap. And…they are. But apparently she started a new trilogy with the same Special Crime Unit Psychic FBI Agent Characters. And hells bells, I’m weak, you know this. This is the first book in the “Fear” trilogy. It’s just as predictable and formulaic as her other Bishop/SCU novels.
There’s a psychic who isn’t part of the SCU. A member of the SCU comes to the same town to solve the mystery. This person is of the opposite sex so there will be a romance aspect. Together, at last, they are able to solve the mystery. Just like all her other books.
In this one the non-FBI psychic is a carnie. So that was kind of fun.

15. gods in Alabama by Joshilyn Jackson
Laura let me borrow this book and I read it in two days. I loved it.
Laura is always leary about books (and movies) that take place in the south (especially Alabama) because she thinks they only portray it negatively. or dorkily. I love that Laura can see the better part of the south; that she knows she belongs not to the south where everyone has a friend named Bubba, but to a new, and smarter south complete with art galleries and coffeeshops. BUT, that is the exception and nowhere near the rule.

There are still small towns that are just like the town in the book. And I think the author does a great job describing the town, the people, the rednecks, the religion etc. perfectly.

Also, there were some funny parts that cracked me up so bad i ended up scaring the cat i was laughing so hard.

Kelly, you would really like this book.

14. Breakfast at Tiffany’s and Three Short Stories by Truman Capote.
Breakfast at Tiffany’s the novel is about 3 trillion times better than the shit movie from the 1960s. The novel allows Holly Golightly to be way more clever and funny and crude. Oh yes, she is crude. Also, she’s a whore. Which makes her character even better, I say. The Audrey Hepburn character? No. And George Peppard? Why? Bad. Bad movie. Awesome book.

And now that I’ve read it I feel bad because you know Mr. Capote saw the film and was all, “WTF?” Because it’s total shit.

The other three stories were:

House of Flowers which I think I had read before ‘cos while I was reading it I knew everything that would happen next. It’s a great story with these great characters. It takes place in Haiti. It’s got a “ghost story” vibe.

The Diamond Guitar which was okay. It was about this old guy in prison. I didn’t like this story so much, it just didn’t grab me, y’know?

A Christmas Memory which is my least favorite Truman Capote story ever. I’ve hated this one ever since we had to read it every year in high school. I hate the story. I hate the poorness. I hate cousin Sookie. I hate the fruitcakes. I hate the kites. This story is SUCH a downer for me that i think it could instantly trigger clinical depression.

13. Oh, The Things I know! by Al Franken
This little book was kinda like a humorous advice book. My dad thought it was the funniest thing he’s ever read. I didn’t think it was that funny. It wasn’t not funny, but Franken has done better.

12. Intuition by Allegra Goodman
This novel was pretty good, which was a nice surprise seeing as how the only reason i checked it out was the cover art. is it not gorgeous? i love stuff like that.

Anyway, the novel is about a research lab in the 1980s. It shows how the characters have to deal with the politics of research and other things that you never thought about because you’re not a scientist. The characters were very fleshed out, which is always nice. And there were a plethora of characters…however, they all seemed to be jewish and/or have blue eyes. What is up with that, Ms. Goodman? Sure, i get the Jew part, but EVERYONE has blue eyes? It just seems…unimaginative. Other than that, it was a good book.

11. The Brooklyn Follies by Paul Auster.
Has this guy ever written anything bad?
This novel was fanTAStic. It’s about an older guy who’s dying of cancer and he basically moves back to Brooklyn to die. But then he runs into his nephew and they become great friends and…so many great characters. There’s little Lucy and everything she says (when she’s speaking) is hilariously weird. There’s the B.P.M. who turns into an actual character in the book. There’s Harry (gay) who is interesting. The Chowders, Aurora, just lots of neat characters. He even throws in some lesbians at the end.

And oh, this book is FILLED with great sentences. Anyway, the book isn’t sad at all. Sad things happen, but they didn’t make me cry…and i’m an easy mark for that kind of thing so that’s why i say it’s not sad.

The ending was kind of abrupt and i thought that maybe the author was in a hurry to end it. But also, i think it works because so much happened in the book that to completely resolve everything normally would have stretched it into a giant tome. And no one likes that kind of thing, Ayn Rand.

10. Winesburg, Ohio by Sherwood Anderson
This novel was written in 1919. But the stories within take place earlier than that. So it’s very dated. Very dated. It’s also, very much about sex, only not because: 1919.
but totally: sex. only it’s in that early American lit. way.
por exemplo:

“The young man began to laugh nervously. “It’s warm,” he said. He wanted to touch her with his hand. “I’m not very bold,” He thought. … They began to walk along a narrow brick sidewalk between the cracks of which tall weeds grew…He took hold of her hand that was also rough and thought it delightfully small…In the path at the side of the road they were compelled to walk one behind the other. Will Overton’s berry field lay beside the road and there was a pile of boards. “Will is going to build a shed to store berry crates here,” said George and they sat down upon the boards.

When George Willard got back into Main Street it was past ten o’ clock and had begun to rain….George Willard felt satisfied. He had more than anything else wanted to talk to some man.”

Does that mean he did it with that girl? Because if that’s what it means, then lots of people in this town had sex in the woods.

Anyway, the book is basically like this: each chapter is slice of life of one of the people who live in the town of Winesburg, Ohio. I’m not sure how that’s pronounced either, the whole time I’ve been saying win-es-burg, but as I typed it out I guess maybe it’s wines-burg? Who cares.

So it’s about different people but it kind of centers around George Willard, who is a very young reporter for the Winesburg Eagle. I say very young because at the end of the book he moves out of town and he’s only 18 years old. So i’m thinking he lost his virginity at about 13?

All the characters are either
A. horny
B. crazy
C. crazy-horny
D. lonely
E. functionally retarded; a Lenny

Anyway, after reading this book you can totally see how this author guy (who i never heard of before) influenced just about every great American author that you love to hate. read: Faulkner.
see also: Steinbeck; Miller, Henry.

Although it’s totally outdated it’s still a great book and a great read. You know what? I take it back, it’s not outdated. All of the characters’ lack of communication, lack of passion, lack of faith, lack of whatever… is still, you know, applicable.

It gets two Jose Cansecos for being so quaint.
“Wait, did they just have sex?”

9. Music For Chameleons by Truman Capote
This is a book of short stories written by Capote. The book is made up of three parts. The first is “Music For Chameleons” and it’s 6 short stories. The second is “Handcarved Coffins” and it’s a “Nonfiction account of an American Crime”. This is different from In Cold Blood because in that book Capote never mentions himself (well, one time he does, but he never names himself), which is another reason why I loved that book so much.

The third part is “Conversational Portraits”. Some of those stories are just interviews and some are more story-like. They are perfect.

I enjoyed every single one of the stories in this book. You should totally read this. He is an amazing writer. I don’t know if I would enjoy his fiction as much as I enjoy his nonfiction-esque stuff, who knows. Maybe I’ll go back to the used book store and buy Breafast at Tiffany’s.
As I recall, I think we both kind of liked it. (Actually, it didn’t leave much of an impression on me, but i had to use that line.)

8. Freakonomics: A Rogue Economist Explores the Hidden Side of Everything by Steven D. Levitt and Stephen J. Dubner
The title is misleading and should be Freakonomics: Pretty Much Random Shit. Steven is the “rogue economist” and Stephen is the author. Also, when I think of “rogue economist” I picture this Robin Hood guy busting in on business meetings all, “huzzah!” and throwing pie charts and lists of numbers at CEOs. And now so do you.

I really liked this book. It was very interesting. It had nothing to do with economics in a monetary way. The book mainly discussed things and how they relate to other things using numbers and data and research. And that was the dumbest sentence ever. Anyway the book talks about teachers who cheat the SATs, abortion, and black people names among other things.

The point I liked the best: because of legalized abortion the crime rate has been declining since the 1990s.

TATDOW.

Makes sense to me.

Anyway, this book gets zero Jose Cansecos because it was fun to read AND nonfiction.

7. In Cold Blood by Truman Capote
I’m not really a great fan of Capote. I’ve only read a couple of short stories, and my reaction was always, “Okaaay, but why is he so famous?”
Well, after reading this book, let me just apologize for all my Capote Hate that I’ve done in the past. This book is amazing. Amazing! I don’t even know if I can describe why I liked it so much.
First off, it’s a nonfiction novel. Wha? I know. But he makes it work. He does. He really does. It’s beautifully written. As far as descriptions and emotions…beautiful. The book is so interesting that you’re compelled to keep reading. I even cried at a couple of parts.

The only annoying part is that since most of the text and dialogue is taken from statements, there’s tons of quotations within sentences. Does that make sense? Did i describe that right? Anyway, once you get used to that then it’s really not that annoying.

This book is so good that I wish that I had actually read it in 11th grade when I had to write a paper about the book and author.

Go now. Buy it, check it out, i don’t care. Just do it. Read this book. Now. Do it. Buy a mountian. Do it. Do it today.

6. Dinner With a Perfect Stranger: An Invitation Worth Considering by David Gregory
This book was interesting. It’s about a normal guy who receives a dinner invitation at a fancy Italian restaurant with Jesus of Nazereth. The guy thinks it’s a hoax that his friends are playing so he goes along with it. At first he doesn’t think that the other guy is Jesus. But as the dinner goes on it gets kinda strange ‘cos the Jesus guy knows things about his life.
Good book, short read (100 pages), and the theology was sound.

5. Hell’s Belles by Kristen Robinette
Laura asked me if I wanted to read a book that one of Cakehole’s clients wrote and I said, “Sure.” This was one of those Harlequin NEXT books. Which I think is the Harlequin Chicklit Brand Name. It’s a story about 4 girls who are best friends in high school and then they drift apart and 20 years later they come back to their hometown and become friends again. There was way too much going on in this book though, I mean, every character had drama. And? At one point someone rents a house in 5 minutes.

What?

Anyway it was funny in parts, and the character’s attitudes were right on. I enjoyed the book. I was, however, disappointed. The cover had a bowling alley on it so i thought that meant they would bowl, but they didn’t. They just hung out at the bowling alley bar.

Oh, and the town is called Haddes. Which is why they’re Hell’s Belles. Get it? I thought it was funny.

4. Everyone Else’s Girl by Megan Crane
Ah, the first chicklit of the year.
I enjoyed this book so much. It’s typical chicklit, but it didn’t have a pair of shoes on the cover. hee.
It was a story about this lady named Meredith who graduates from college and moves away from her crazy family and builds a new and perfect life. But then, she has to go home to help out her dad and to be in her brother’s wedding. The brother is marrying her best friend from high school, though they aren’t really friends anymore. Wackiness ensues.
The youngest sister, Hope, is hilarious.

Laura, Kelly, you should read this. Go read an excerpt.

It gets one Jose Canseco because it was so damn enjoyable.

3. New Rules by Bill Maher
Hmm. Another book written by a comedian. Oh well, they can’t all be How Green was my Valley. Thank God Almighty.
This book was funnier than Nothing’s Sacred, and i’m only comparing them because they’re both by comedians and I read them so close together. It was funnier to me because it made fun of politics and pop culture more than the other book. The thing with Bill Maher though is that he makes too many Gay Jokes and Catholic Priest Pedophile jokes. Like, we get it. It was funny on page 19, but did you have to have one on every page after that? But I do like that he makes fun of the Republicans and the Democrats making his book actually fair and balanced.

2. Nothing’s Sacred by Lewis Black
Everyone knows who Lewis Black is, right? He’s the ranty comedian guy? From the Daily Show? So you can imagine how funny his book is. It’s really funny. He talks mostly about growing up in D.C. and going to college in NC. and a tiny bit about NY, hee. He talks about his childhood and college years mostly. Did you know he’s a playwright? I know! So I’m kind of wondering if he’s gay.
Derp!

For real, this book was funny. It was really choppy though. Of course, it was just a bunch of essays about different things but still, choppy. And also he talks about the ’60s and ’70s a lot but then barely says anything about the ’80s and ’90s. He rips Nixon a new one, but says nothing about Reagan or Clinton. And i don’t know if you’ve ever seen any of his stand-up, but it’s very shouty and angry. So I was really surprised and happy to see how loving and happy he can be. For instance he talks about this dog he had in college, a lot. And you know when people love dogs that they are good people.
Aren’t they?

Anyway, good book if you like political/religious humour.

1. FullMetal Alchemist vol. 1 The Land of Sand by Makoto Inoue trans. by Alexander O. Smith
I love this cartoon on [adultswim]. I do. I hate that I do, but I do. So I read this book that is based on the cartoon. I would classify this as a kid’s book. Definitely. Ths book wasn’t as sad as the show, for some reason the show always seems to have a sad ending.

It’s about Eric and Alphonse Elric, brothers, who are looking for a Philosopher’s Stone (so they can get their regular bodies back. long stupid story.) and they go to this old mining town and find that there are two other brothers there posing as the Elric brothers. Adventure and fighting ensue.
If you like the show you’ll like the book.
It would be unfair to give this book any Jose Cansecos because it’s well, it is what it is.

 

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