| July 2005 Dribblings | |
July 28, 2005 * i finally got to borrow
the "new" Scarpetta novel Trace. let's
see if i'll get around to reading it. she kinda lost me
when she brought Benton back. i guess at least she didn't
pull a total Dallas, but c'mon, Witness
Protection Program? my ass. ** i'm re-reading House of Leaves and honestly, it's like, everything seems to be happening faster. i'm all, "wait a minute, i'm only on page 85 and they're already exploring the giant staircase?!" liz, are you re-reading
it? because you should. July 26, 2005 1. anything by Mel Brooks 2. Clash of the MUTHA F*CKIN' TITANS, BABY!!! which of course, is not the actual title, but it's what i exclaim when i see it's on TV. it was on at midnight last night! SWEET! 3. i used to ALWAYS watch The Great Escape starring Steve McQueen and all those other dudes. but lately AMC has been beating that movie with a dead horse. 4. Force 10 From Navarone. no, not Guns of Navarone. Force 10 has a young Harrison Ford, Lurch, and uh...Apollo Creed. wait, i think it's Apollo Creed. 5. any kind of Naked Gun, Airplane!, or Hot Shots 6. there is no number six but if there was, it would probably be something like Swiss Family Robinson or Heidi. 7. Terminator 2! Terminator 2! you have to scream the title of that, and you have to scream it twice. (justin, remember that screamy preacher dude they used to make fun of on the old Daily Show when the blonde dude hosted? HA!) 8. Two Mules for Sister Sara. shut your hole. i LOVE this movie. i think it's the only Clint Eastwood movie i like. 9. Willy Wonka 11. Predator 12. Red Sonja right, like i'm the only one? that movie? is so bad. and the oriental brat? KILL HIM. i love hating this movie. that's why i have to watch it. 13. Cool Hand Luke *14. apparently i'll
watch Valley of the Dolls every time it's on. i
didn't know this, until this morning, when i found myself
watching it for the third time this month (thank you AMC,
for showing the same 5 movies in the morining, you ass.)
as well as quoting it. i know. i talked to laura this
morning and told her i had watched VotD again. and it's not that i think she's a fabulous actress or anything. i think it's just the novelty of Patty Duke. she was her own cousin. other "factors" i have: the Julie Andrews Factor, the Hayley Mills Factor (more accurately, the Old Disney Movie Factor), the Esther Williams Factor**, and the Paul Newman Factor. ** i love seeing her come up out of the water with perfect hair and make-up. those movies were so corny it's unreal. other morning movies that i've watched 3 times this month ('cos i can't seem to change the channel): The Snake Pit with Olivia de Havilland (this movie stinks) and Suddenly, Last Summer (and yes, everytime they flash the title on the screen i sing the Motels' song) with Liz Taylor and Katherine Hepburn. i like this one. it's kinda neat. weird, weird ending. this extra long, extra "who cares" post was brought to you by AMC's Morning Movie July 25, 2005 Dear Jaimie, Please stop eating cajun peanuts. You're killing me. Love, ps: Please no Uranus jokes, m'kay? Everyone saw that one coming. *** this evening while mr.
fleegan and i sat and watched "actual"
television (the show about the horrible children and the
british nannies. talk about making yourself feel awesome.
"jimmy, look how much better we are than those
horrible people. we'd never let our imaginary 6 year old
children sleep in bed with us. this lady is a
nutjob." and yes, that's my professional opinion.)
and while we were watching the boob tube someone rang my
bell, hee. by the time he left CM was gone. a teeny part of me was disappointed and i actually thought, "damn, now what am i going to blog about?" July 24, 2005 my plant didn't die! yet! i am addicted to Auntie Mae's Cajun Roasted Peanuts. (the bags should come with a warning on them though: BEWARE IDIOTS: DO NOT RUB YOUR EYES* AFTER EATING AUNTIE MAE'S CAJUN ROASTED PEANUTS.) i think she must also roast them in crystal meth or something. i get them at my neighborhood grocery store, Giant Johnson's Food. (i'll have to take a picture of the sign.) anyway, they come in these tiny paper sacks. and apparently Auntie Mae makes her tasty Crack Peanuts in Attalla, Alabama. wow, something good comes from Attalla? SWEET! anyway the little sacks
of drugged nuts are only 99 cents, but i can't afford a
99 cents a day habit. well, yeah, i guess i can, but my
anus can't. speaking of anus fire, OT sent me a link that describes all these new york (big city!) hair salons and their prices. if you're normal, it will make you sick. *i am a notorious eye
rubber. and i'm loud about it too. i groan and moan while
i rub my eyes. i mutter things like, "ohhh
yeaaaaah...errrrmmhermm hee prrrrrrrrr." July 21, 2005 cookie, you're in charge. *** in other news filled with curse words: i hate my g*^%#* MOTHER F&%$@^!!! WEEDWACKER. hate it. hate it. hate it. i want to throw it onto the street and let cars and trucks crush it beneath their mighty wheels of destruction. THE ONLY THING THAT WILL MAKE ME HAPPY IS IF I PURGE THIS EVIL FROM MY LIFE, and if that means digging a hole 6 feet in the ground and burying that BRAND NEW, NONWORKING, PIECE OF SHIT SHIT SHITTER SHIT, then by god, i'll start digging. and i'm gonna put it in the hole upside down, so when it wakes up and tries to dig it's way out of the grave, it will just dig itself deeper and deeper and DEEPER. WHERE'S MY HACKSAW?! ** i repotted a plant today. T minus 3 days until plant is completely dead. * we ate at a local diner at lunch today. i had hamburger casserole. i didn't know what it was going to be, but i really liked it. the broccoli and cheese i had was kinda soupy. fmeh. pinto beans! if pinto beans are on the menu i'll always get them because they are a novelty to me. we never had them when we were growing up. we never had any kind of "southern food" because y'know, we didn't know about it. so i crush my cornbread into the pinto beans and eat the mushy goodness. see? i'm all southern now! hee. "ahma have the pintos and the co-worn brey-yad." how they stretch corn in to two syllables is amazing. July 19, 2005 Dear Shakira, Shakira, honey, the next time someone tells you to wear motor oil all over your body and dance like...well, like that, you tell HIM that it's the 21st century. M'kay? I'm just lookin' out for you. Sincerely, ps: can hispanic people tell what the hell you're singing? i mean, i realize that i'm an idiot who only speaks High School Spanish, but for real, are you singing in an actual language? just curious. *** it has been Land of the Crazy People around here lately. i had a marathon Crazy Margaret Day on sunday. i was cleaning out that Goddamned Fish Pond, heretofore known as GDFP. she talked for an hour. i only remember bits and pieces. "jaimie! jaimie!
what is that in the tree?!" then she went into a ten minute tirade about how there are tarantulas downtown. july shall now be the Month of Tarantulas. i swear, it's like you never hear or say a word in YEARS and then all of a sudden there it is a dozen times in a week. tarantula. what on earth? at one point she asked
if she could borrow my lawn mower so she could mow the
lawn at the Salvation Army. last night when jimmy
and i got back from Horrible Suck-Ass Blue and Yellow
Video Store, Crazy Margaret was in Crazy Lola's yard, and
they were having one of their screamtalk sessions. this
one was more talk, not so much screaming. jimmy said,
"quick! we gotta hurry before she comes over
here!" and sure enough we calmly got out of the car, went through the gate, walked up the stairs, and went in the house without so much as a peep out of her. i'm mean. but also? you would be too. July 17, 2005 there i
was...doing it...with well, i called him jimmy,
and he answered to jimmy, however, it was... we were in the middle of a toy store. my MOM walks by, asks me a question about a movie then goes and pays for her purchase. the purchase was, and this is the absolute kicker, Jesus Legos. as in "Now You Can Build Jesus Out of Legos!" Jesus was wearing a green Lego robe and was posing like the Buddy Christ from Dogma. to sum up: Vince Neil, my MOM (whaa? Freud much?), and as they say in the hockey world, for the hat trick: Jesus Legos. i woke up, and i promise you this was my first thought, "what was that giant bed doing in the middle of a toy store?" i wish i could be in the same room as Cookie when she reads this. i think it's safe to totally blame this on all the junk food i ate (and drank) at cakehole's b'day party. July 16, 2005 i drove! hoem! home! ((it was only liekm 8 blovks away) patti was theres! there! i love her! she speks fluent germnan! so awesome@! ther was one part when
jimmy was tesing this kid...ot was so funny! kelly cam e too adn she put on darth vader kid thingQ!~! hahahaha! picture to be soon@! July 15, 2005 The One About Charlie and the Chocolate Factory July 14, 2005 today Popsicle and i
were discussing how to prepare the chicken for dinner and
i suggested baking it. he asked how i baked chicken and i
said, "well, get a casserole dish and throw some
rice in it, then a can of cream of whatever soup and then
put the chicken pieces (that's been browned on the stove
for a few minutes) on that and bake for like, i dunno, an
hour." mmmm mmmm good. right now i am in love
with GooGoo Clusters. i could eat a million of them. i
think it's the peanuts. July 13, 2005 we actually didn't believe that the lady had killed a real, honest to goodness tarantula. we figured it was probably just a big spider and that she just equates all big spiders with tarantulas. that is until we got there and she says, "now, aren't they the ones that sneak in on banana bunches?" huh, so maybe she does know what a tarantula is. however, we found no spiders, giant or otherwise, and no eggs. but also, we wouldn't know where to search for spider eggs if you held a gun to our heads. here's the
kicker though. she said she killed the tarantula 3 weeks
ago. and she just now told us about it. she said she kept
thinking about it over and over and now she's scared
herself thinking about tarantula eggs hatching in her
room. *** before it
rained today, i mowed the lawn and cut down tree branches
and trimmed up some of the wild crap that grows on the
other side of the house (the alley way where Crazy Lola
drives through my yard.) because it was needed. i scared
lola's sex spying cat, it hides in this tree by the
street. it ran to her house and i yelled, "oh sure!
run! you tattle tale!" it made me laugh.
the cat looks a lot like toonces whorecat, only it's
ugly. it also sleeps on top of the volkswagen that's
parked in my yard. reefer
log: July
12, 2005 my house stinks. reeks. i am full of hate and rage. *** so after calling liz a
bonehead what does she do? *** leetle bro is home but
will have MORE surgery in a couple of weeks so please
still pray for him. like, i don't know what church you go
to, but when someone says, "are there any prayer
requests?" you could say, "yeah, there's this
girl on the internet and her little brother needs some
healing." and God will know who you are talking
about. *** i forgot to post this link last week, but do you guys remember that weird flower that wisconsin wendy got to see a couple of years ago? the corpse flower? well, it bloomed again. that is one of the strangest things i've ever heard of. *** honestly, i am this
close (scrunch up thumb and index finger) to smashing
holes in my walls to find the death rat. July 11, 2005
*** IF YOU TWO BONEHEADS DON'T UPDATE YOUR BLOGS I'M GOING TO ERASE THEM FROM MY COMPUTER AND NEVER CHECK THEM EVER AGAIN. "BUH-BUH-BUH-" NO! UNLESS YOUR EXCUSE IS, "I DON'T HAVE ACCESS TO A COMPUTER." OR, "I'VE BEEN OUT OF THE COUNTRY." THEN I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT. I love you guys. Hugs, *** oh! oh! we had a Crazy
Margaret sighting today! and she was in rare form. jimmy was all,
"quick! get in the car!" so Crazy Margaret comes
up and says, "i have something for you." "yeah, it's a round, and it has this big piece of glass and like how Best's used to have the one with the tiger and the feet? and it's really nice and-" "um, are you talking about a coffee table?" see, Best has this coffee table and it's a bear and the bear is on it's back and so it's paws hold up the glass table top. "yeah! and i brought it over here yesterday but you weren't home again so-" "what? no, i don't need a coffee table-" "but it's really nice and-" "no, margaret. really. i don't want one." "well, okay then but-" "look, we need to go now." "okay but listen i have to tell you this first because you need to know about it, but lola over there she's crazy, i mean, really. she's crazy." and i swear, it gets harder and harder not to laugh aloud when she starts calling other people crazy. but she goes on, "anyway i saw her cat over here in your yard the other night and it was sitting on the bench there and i was going to chase it away because what she does is, she sends the cat over to watch you having sex, and then the cat goes back to her and jumps on her belly and does this." and she motions like how cats make biscuits on her stomach, and says, "and then she starts groaning. and that how she talks to it. it's a good cat, but she punishes it a lot." wow. that is some crazy. "so like i said, i tried to chase the cat away but she must've known what i was going to do because i got sick and i made it to over there," she points at the parking lot of the Board of Education and says, "and i puked up the demons 'cos she made me sick." "wow. well. okay." at some point she had even talked about this striped rat that jumped from one tree to another tree that made her fall? and also something about some lady that lives behind me somewhere that also spies and steals stuff? and she was in prison or something? "so yeah now you know about her cat. 'cos the cat watches you have sex. she tells it to. it's a good cat but she punishes it a lot. Best didn't like lola at all because she ran into the fence, your fence now, three times and it took her forever to get the money for it. i tell lola not to drive on your drive way but she just tells me that you can go to hell." "uh huh. well, thanks-" "don't ever help
her. she'll turn on you. i don't know what i'm going to
do. i've been to the doctor and they tell me this and
this and tell me to go to another doctor and they don't
know. and i have these pains and i cry out and," and
at the point she grabs her crotch and says, "and it
feels like something is cutting me-" "okay margaret, we have to go now. we'll see you around." "well,
alright..." and she continues talking after we close
the car doors and drive away. and oh man, we start
laughing. jimmy said, "oh my gosh." July 10, 2005 dad came over this
afternoon he was on his way home from
"preparing" the Holy House for whatever is left
of this hurricane business. anyway i told him about
finding old radio dtuff on the internet and he was all,
"let's plug it in!" so we took it into the kitchen (the room with the most light) to check out the insides again. and then he just plugs it into the wall socket. and then...nothing. because of course, it's broken and we knew that. but a light did come on in the front where the tuner is, and all but one of the tubes got hot. but the knob is missing
so the only way to turn it on (and the volume up) is to
touch the metal bolt that held the knob. and when dad
went to turn the volume up it hummed. "yaaah!" July 09, 2005 one word: bakelite it's a small table
radio. "small". hee. it doesn't work,
well...maybe it does, right? but i'm not plugging it in.
no way. besides, one of the wires on the inside isn't
connected to anything and i can't figure out where it
needs to go. i'd like to get the radio working, although i don't know why. it's AM. and it's not very pretty. i guess it's just one of those, "don't tell ME i can't fix it!" things, but also, i can't fix it. mainly because i'm not willing to spend any money on it. because hello? dumb radio or food...this is not a hard choice. reefer log: July 07, 2005 just, whatever you do,
don't get bitter and start hating God or anything like
that. 'cos that never helps. i know you're human, and you
want to scream, "God! Are you even paying
attention?! Can you not cut the kid a break like, ever?
Now get off your ass and FIX IT because no one else
can!" all the other stupid stuff i was going to write about kinda doesn't seem as funny anymore. July 06, 2005 cookie magoo ruined The NeverEnding Story for me. i don't blame cookie, i blame the story. i blame whoever came up with Moonchild. grrrr. what a crock. uh muh gah! laura! remember how
i bought this ipod last february? and i got it second
hand? so there was already like 800 songs on it? and you
know how i never listen to those songs because they're
all crap and CCM? WELL! i decided to delete some of these
songs (finally, right? i mean, how lazy am i?)
and guess what little "gem" i found on it...God's
Will. laura blogged about
5 things you miss from childhood. so i will too, 'cos i'm
a copycat! 2. summer vacation! that was back when none of the moms worked and we'd spend all day in the pool with the fish kids and the faith kids and melfa. 3. sundays when dad would get off work in the morning (he worked 3rd shift for 30 years) and we'd make movies with the giant honking video camera. 4. playing in the woods! "woods". exploring! and for some reason we crawled through the drainage pipes. it is a miracle that we are alive today. we should have died from broken necks and amoebic dysentery. 5. i miss the old MTV that used to play actual music videos instead of stupid shows about sex and pimping rides and idiots hitting themselves in the batch with hammers and fruit. reefer log: July 05, 2005 it's weird that cookie
mentioned The NeverEnding Story, 'cos i had a
dream about the kid last night! no kidding. only he's
older now, so in my dream he looks like that kid only
older, he even had a ponytail! and so i see him and i'm
all, "hey, that's the kid from The NeverEnding
Storyyyyy, whoa oh oh...oh oh oh...oh oh oh
oh..." so i decide to go over and say hi. so i walk
over and he's reading a book and i say, "hey, are
you sure you wanna do that?" when i woke up the first
thing thought was, "helicopters?!" reefer log: |
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