The One About Ohio’s Lack of Official State Fish

Category: weekleez

The One About Ohio’s Lack of State Fish
March 7, 2002

‘allo keeds. 

eet eez time once again, for der veekly.   

it has recently come to my attention (via two misplaced ohioans) that ohio does not, at this time, have a state fish.  and that there are in fact two fish being considered for the job of state fish for ohio.  the debate is on.  

the two fish in question are the small-mouth and the wall-eye.  apparently the long-ear and the pug-nose were both disqualified.  now i don’t know about you, but i know about me, and what i know is that i don’t know beans about fish or beans. but what i do know is this: about 12 years ago Holy Rosary School in St. Mary’s, OH started a campaign to make the small-mouth bass ohio’s state fish. 
well, apparently they didn’t do too good of a job seeing as how ohio still hasn’t picked out a fish. 
and think about it, those kids have probably all grown up, graduated, and have real jobs and real families and real concerns. real concerns like, “hey! we still don’t have an official state fish!”  

yeah right, half those kids probably work for the state now, and they could care less about fish, official or unofficial.  but i guess perhaps it is a bit lame to have a Great Lake and not a state fish. i mean, alabama doesn’t have a Great Lake and they have two state fish.  take that ohio!  we don’t need crummy Lake Erie! we got two fish! that’s two more than you have! tatdow!  

alabama picked two fish because they couldn’t decide if they wanted a freshwater fish or a saltwater fish.  so the state fish are the large-mouth and tarpon, respectively.  but who cares?  

come on ohio. pick a fish for cryin’ outs. 
a little FYI, ohio has a state beverage. 
here’s the official statute about the state bevy: “The canned, processed juice and pulp of the fruit of the herb Lycopersicon esculentum, commonly known as tomato juice, is hereby adopted as the official beverage of the state.” gheederp.  whatabunchanerds. the state insect is the ladybug. the state song is Beautiful Ohio. the state rock song is Hang on Sloopy (i’m not making that up.  i’m not that clever.) and the state invertebrate fossil is the trilobite.  geez, they can pick a fossil but not a fish? what kinda people are these?  

alabama does not have a state beverage, thank god, i shudder to think what we’d pick. however, we do have a state amphibian (some kinda salamander) and a state quilt (pine burr quilt).  and of course two state fish.  neener!   

more info than you cared to know:
tennessee has six (6) state songs, which include “Tennessee Waltz” and “Rocky Top”. 
west virginia has an official state soil (Monongahela Silt Loam ) and june 23 is “west virginia day”.  i dunno what they celebrate.
mississippi’s state beverage is milk and it’s state stone is petrified wood.  ha. ha.
montana’s state fossil is the duck-billed dinosaur and it’s state grass is Bluebunch Wheatgrass.
c’mon ohio, even nebraska and idaho have state fish. nebraska’s state soft drink is kool aid. oh yeah!
north carolina’s state veggie is the sweet potato.
pennsylvania was able to pick out a fish (brook trout) and it’s insect is the firefly.
delaware’s state bird is the blue hen chicken and it’s state colors are “blue and buff”. what does that mean?
maryland’s state sport is jousting.
hey ohio, nevada is a damn desert and has a state fish Lahontan Cutthroat Trout.  

all’s i can figure is ohio must be lazy or something. geez, what kind of debate is small-eye or wall-mouth anyway? i mean, do ya really think the wall-eye fans will storm the capital if small-mouth wins? can you see the headline?

DERANGED FISHERMEN RIOT IN COLUMBUS AFTER LOSING HEATED DEBATE
or maybe:
BUCKEYE VOTES WALL-EYE
or:
SMALL-MOUTH GIVES WALL-EYE THE EVIL EYE  

whoa, that was bad. but really, i think ohio should dump both of those loser fish and pick a really cool fish instead, like the Incredible Mr. Limpet.  that would be a good fish for ohio.  “lady fish!” or that blue and yellow flounder from the Little Mermaid, i think they called him Flounder.  that would be neat. or hey! what about that tuna fish with the glasses? sorry charley! derp! okay, maybe i’m a dork. but at least my state has a state fish or two.  

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The One About the Stoopid Company’s Logo

Category: weekleez

The One About the Stoopid Company’s Logo
February 27, 2002

excerpts from jaimie’s month…  

yeah, so last week i was having problems “connecting” to the Internet. oh waitaminute….  

hi kids!
(mustn’t leave out the schtick) yeah, so last week i was having problems “connecting” to the Internet. i would try to “log on” and the error message would pop up and tell me that my “username” and/or “password” was wrong.  but y’see, i’ve had the same internet service for the last six years.  i haven’t changed the words that go into those spaces ever.  they’ve always been the same.  so i figured i was being “sneaker-netted” by jimmy or liz.  sometimes they use my password to surf.  it’s “illegal”.  but that’s ok, when they sneaker-net me, i just turn around and sneaker-net someone else… it’s kinda funny really. i sneaker-net the church.  BAH-hahahahahaha! 
“stealing the church’s internet! you ought to be ashamed of yourself!”
don’t think of it like that. think of it like i’m surfin’ with Jesus.   

anyway, i had noticed that for three days in a row someone was sneaker-netting me. and then i noticed that at 7:30 in the morning it wouldn’t work either. and that concerned me because i know that jimmy and liz aren’t early risers.  so i decided to call up my ISP.  i’ve only ever called the numbskullz once, and that’s when i set up my account, so i wasn’t really sure what to expect.  it went something like this:  
ok well first i had to listen to a confusing automated menu and choose an option which closely matched what department i needed. i think i chose “service, technical service, and support” which is kind of like “redundant, redundancy, and useless redundant”.  but i was in a bad mood so maybe i was just nit-picky.  

so then i talk to a human:
“hi this is ted can i help you?” i don’t remember what his real name was. so i’m calling him ted.
“hi ted, i’m sure you hear this all day long, but i can’t connect to the internet.”
“ok. what’s the error?”
“wrong username or password.”
“ok, what’s the username?”
“blahblahblah”
“oh ok.  it says here your account expired.”
expired? what does that mean? coupons expire… milk products expire…
“oh.  what does that mean exactly?”
“um, what?”
“how did it expire? did it “go bad” or did i not renew a contract or something?”
“um, it says you haven’t paid the bill since the 17th.”
“what? but that can’t be. Visa pays the bill and i pay visa…. so how did-“
“oh ok. hold on.”
*click*
“hi this is mary can i help you?” was her name really mary? of course not. but i can’t remember it, and it’s not important anyway.
“um, yeah, ted told me my account expired.”
“oh, well did you pay your bill?”
“well, see it’s on the visa account and-“
“ok hon, what’s the last name?”
“pickle”
*typing noises* “it says here hon you haven’t paid the bill since the 17th.”
“ok, but it’s on the visa account there must be an-“
“let me check something hold on ok hon?”

and it’s at this point that i nearly lost my mind.  not because of anything anyone has said thus far, but because the lady, “mary”, set down the phone and then i can only assume (uh oh) what happened after that by the noises i heard. first, she set down the phone. clunk. then she picked up some papers and shuffled them at the phone. shuffle shuffle shuffle.  then she opened a desk drawer and rustled around in it then slammed it shut, but it must’ve bounced back open so she should probably slam it again, harder of course, so it’ll shut right.  and then she picked up a metal folding chair WWF style and proceeded to beat the living daylights out of the phone, desk, and everything else in that room. then she picked up what was left of the phone:
“ah, i think *puff puff puff* i know what the *puff puff* problem is, hon.” she was out of breath.
“yeah, i’m beginning to get an idea…”
“y’see we had updated the system over the weekend and on some of the accounts i forgot to type in their payment method and i’m sorry for the inconvenience but everything should work now because i typed in your payment and i’m so sorry hon, but everything should work right now. ok hon?”
“ok, thank you for fixing it.”  
the end, hon.  

it’s all true doncha know. 

when she said, “let me check something” i figured i would hear some typing noises, a coupla mouse clicks, maybe some mumbling. what i did not expect was the cacophony of sounds that would come blaring at me.  it was so funny.   

ok here’s another little story for ya. i like to call it The Continuing Story of the Logo From Outer Hell. look, it’s long, and probably boring to all of you who don’t work with computers and logos and morons everyday.  but i really need to vent on this one.  

i work with company logos all the time. no big deal. but every once in a while there comes a logo, a logo so stupid, a logo so lame, a logo so incredibly bad that i immediately call laura and say, “ohmigawd! this logo is like, um totally like bogus!” derp! well, i don’t really say that but i do call her up and we laugh at the pathetic logo and then we go about the rest of our day. for this particular logo i think my exact words upon seeing the terrible thing was, “wow. a million dollar corporation paid for that? suckers!”

this logo involved a globe.  a green globe. but anyway, the company was very proud of their logo… at first.  and they brought me all kinds of stuff with the logo emblazed on it as well as the file of the logo on disk so that we could put their crappy logo all over their trucks.  no big deal… at first.  

it would take two weeks for me to explain just how bad it all got, but it did involve a zillion phone calls, this conversation, “hey, your logo on the business card is different that the one on the letterhead, which one do you want on the truck?”
“what? no that’s the same logo.”
“um, sir, the letterhead has a different globe than the business card.”
“what? no it…um…oh, well, i guess it does.”
“how about i just use the globe that shows the western hemisphere?”
“um, yeah. ok. no wait…use the one that has the united states on it.”
“good idea, sir.”  

it involved rush ordering two huge rolls of very expensive vinyl, lettering a truck in the dark, and this phone call: “we’ve decided to change the colors.” see, that was after ordering $600 worth of GREEN vinyl and lettering two trucks.  now it’s a red globe. a  r e d  g l o b e.    

geez louise. but all of that stuff was the beginning of the story and like i said, it would take two weeks to rant on that. so this “continuing story” is the part that comes months afterward. it’s the part where other companies in town are now having to use this logo and they call ME when they have a problem. now let’s remember, I DIDN’T DESIGN THE DAMNSTOOPID LOGO!! and besides, that piece of crap isn’t my responsibility. it’s the idiotic company’s property.  right?  

so i guess that the company needed some shirts with the logo embroidered on them.  so the company calls me and asks me to e-mail the logo to the guy who does the shirts. and me, being too nice to say, “look, i’m busy making signs, maybe YOU should e-mail YOUR logo to the schmo.” but no, i say “sure” and proceed to send the shemp the logo in Corel version 6 ’cause i’ve had to send stuff to that shemp before and i know that that’s the version he’ll need and by golly aren’t i nice?  

so he calls me and tells me that the file i sent was empty. what? empty? so i send him another one. empty.  so he gets kind of huffy about it and tells me that he’ll come on over and bring his own disk and he’ll show me how to use the computer because apparently something isn’t working on my end and so i tell the guy to “just bring it”. so shemp comes over and i open the file and the screen is blank and he yells triumphantly, “see! i told you there was nothing there!” and so i very calmly scroll down and, hmmm, there’s the logo.  where it has been the whole time.  but this jerk, who “uses this program all the time” is too stoopid to scroll down or click “select all” or even try anything!  so i sent him away with his tail tucked ‘tween his legs. served him right.  

a couple weeks later the company calls and asks me to e-mail the logo to one of the local printers. and instead of saying, “no! i don’t have time to mess with a freakin’ printer, a printer who will not use the same program that i use, a printer who will not be able to open the file i send over, a printer who, with all of it’s printing knowledge, will not be able to tell me what kind of file their computer can read, a printer who…”
you get the picture.  instead i say, “sure.”  

so i e-mail the logo as a jpeg, so they’ll be able to see what the logo looks like and i put the phone number of the sign shop in the e-mail thinking maybe they would call me and tell what kind of file they’ll really need because i know they probably can’t use the jpeg for anything. well, the printer didn’t call me back, but the company did.
“yeah, the printers need the logo in grayscale.”
grayscale? there is no “grayscale” for that logo, if anything it could be in black and white, but no grayscale.   so i send it to the morons, printers, in black and white. and i hear nothing back from any of them. this was two months ago.   i get a phone call today, from the company asking me to send the same printers “color differentiations”. i don’t even know what that means.  and the lady says, “you know, like the separate colors?”  oh sheesh.  ok, so i separate the colors for these meatheads and send it. and when i send it i put the phone number of the sign shop so that if they have any problems they can call ME and NOT THE STOOPID COMPANY, so i won’t get any more confusing second-hand phone calls.  

i get another phone call from the company. 
“why did you send the printers such a bad file? they can’t use it. she says it’s a dot matrix file and it’s horrible. she can’t even scan it because it’s so bad!” she says this in such a way as if to say, “why are you trying to sabotage the company?!”   

ok. um. what the hell is a dot matrix file?!  i mean, this knucklehead is just making up stuff now.  and why, WHY would the printer need to SCAN a picture that is ALREADY in the computer?!  look lady, i’ve got a sign shop to run, i don’t have time to teach you how to use your freakin’ computer. so i ask the shemp from the company to give me the phone number of the imbecile at the printers so’s that i can talk to the moron myself.  i know, glutton for punishment.  

so i call the lady at the printers and it turns out she’s stoopid. i ask her what kind of file she needs and she says she doesn’t know. and so i ask her what program she’s using and she says, “quark?” and i say, “ok, so maybe i’ll try sending it as an adobe file and maybe that’ll work?” i mean, it’s not like she’s got any bright ideas, or if she does she’s keeping them to herself. so she says, “yeah i have adobe illustrator on here. and hey, could you send your phone number so i can call you if it doesn’t work?” oh yeah! i’ll send my phone number so you can CALL ME! WHAT A GREAT FREAKIN’ IDEA!  I WISH I HAD THOUGHT OF THAT TWO E-MAILS AGO! YOU MUST BE A GENIUS! HOW DID YOU EVEN GET TO WORK TODAY LADY?!  

this lady calls me back and tells me that the file didn’t work and i ask her what i should try next and she says, “well i don’t know!” as if SHE’S the frustrated one!  i mean, i have 14 signs i have to finish TODAY and i gotta fix this waste of oxygen’s problems too? so i tell her i’ll try one last thing and if that doesn’t work she’s on her own and she says well maybe she’ll just come on down here with one of her disks and get it off the computer herself.  i tell her don’t bother, she’s using a mac and i’m using a pc.  and she says, “oh.” and then she said something about how much she hated the logo and that she wasn’t sure if “all this headache is worth it” and i nearly lost it.  i dunno how that lady had a headache over her part in the “logo saga” she hadn’t had a single thought all day.  

so i called laura and she figured out how to send the file to the FREAK and so i call the parasite back and tell her that i’m sending her a file that WILL WORK and she says, “ok, i guess i’ll try it.”
and do you know what? 
it worked.
and do you know what?
that ungrateful bitch didn’t even thank me.   

i wasted an hour on that leech. so now jaimie has a new policy. “oh you need a logo, file, etc? well i need a snack.  bring me a Snickers and make sure you have an IBM formatted disk when you come over.”  

next week’s epitomb: jaimie tries sushi.  

jaimie “keep yer fork” pickle

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The One About my Wacky Day in Jacksonville

Category: weekleez

The One About My Wacky Day at J’ville
February 21, 2002

hi kids, sorry i’m late, your mother had to work over this week and didn’t have time to write you anything funny on tuesday ’cause she had to earn the sweet money to buy shoes for the babies.   

ok, so first of all, i didn’t have “internet access” for the last couple of days…more on that later.  and second of all, i didn’t have anything funny to write about until today.  so here for you reading pleasure:  
The One About Jaimie’s Wacky Thursday in J’ville.  

the day started out normal. no really, i have normal days. today was a “school day”. so i went to school and took notes and then promptly left.  normal.  then i went to the university library. what is it about libraries anyway?  y’know, if i were to go to the library (any library) and nothing tried to kill me, i swear i’d think something was wrong.   

right, so the library is really tall and the book i need is on the 7th floor.   n-n-no p-p-p-prob-blem.  i-i-i’m not sc-sc-scared of elevators.  and i’m not.  i just don’t like them. ever.  but what i like even less is climbing 7 flights of stairs in the darkest, dankest stair-well ever.  these stairs belong in an insane asylum. no really.  

so i go on up to the 7th floor and tool around ’til i find my book and then i “hop” back on the elevator and press my magic number and pray for a safe decent.  dream on, jaimie, dream on.  
the doors close and dang, nothing happens.  breathe in. breathe out.  nothing still happens.
“why hasn’t this infernal box moved yet?” i think to myself. normally i would have said this aloud. unfortunately, i’m not the only one in the lift, y’see, there’s some dirty, hippie chick standing next to me. 
which means only one thing: i’m trapped, nay, suspended in mid-air and i can’t scream or cry, which of course would be my first reaction. instead i wait patiently in awkward silence.  

so i casually look over at the hippie chick and start to say something like, “WE’RE GONNA DIE!” but before i can open my mouth she says, “we’re not moving.”
my response, “uhhh. nope.”
then there’s more awkward silence.

o then i ask, “do you suppose that when the first cable snaps, we’ll feel a jolt and then a short series of jerks as all of the other cables continue to snap in succession?” more awkward silence.  

so then she reaches in to her book bag and breaks out a deck of cards and we play Old Maid or Go Fish or some other mundane game like that. then she reaches back in and pulls out a roulette wheel and a keno board. da hell? and before i know it, we’ve got a casino. i’ve got vinnie running the dice, louie is watchin’ the slots, and gino is dealin’ black jack at the table. wayne newton is doing a show in the back and there’s a silly magic show up front.  i’m playing 5-card stud and i’ve got the sweetest hand ever. lights are flashing, bells are ringing, jokers are wild, and showgirls are pouring out from backstage to change into their sequined numbers.  and then all of a sudden the doors open.   and out we all pour like a bad Marx Brothers rip-off.  

so yeah, anyway, turns out we hadn’t made it to the lobby.  we still had 7 flights to go.  that’s right.  the blasted thing just hung there in limbo.  so we try for a different evil-vator. y’see, there are three (3) evil-vators, and we had been on the middle one.  so we figure we’ll just wait for another “down” one to come get us.  and we wait. and wait.  where are the elevators?!  after what seems like 30 minutes (it’s hard to tell how long we waited.  there’s no clocks anywhere, it’s like a freakin’ casino) we heard a “ding!” aha! elevator!   
it was the middle one.  

eventually, i made it to the lobby.  i only cried twice.    

the second part of my adventure is slightly less adventurous than the first part of my adventure but no less annoying.  on the way out of the college hell-town i had to stop and buy gas. 
so i pulled into this little “fillin’ station” and got my gas and went home.  ha ha!

anyway, this little mom&pop place is crazy.  it’s looks new and modern but there’s nothing in it and i never see anyone buying gas there.  and i know you’re wondering why on earth would i go to that place.  well, i figured nothing could be worse than my evil-vator episode and threw caution into the wind. unfortunately i was standing down-wind and the darn thing came back and hit me.  ha ha, i digress.  

so i buy my gas and the lady hands back my change which consists of a coupla bucks, a half-dollar, two dimes and some pennies.  so i pocket my change and – what?! half-dollar?!  sheesh. and then i hear the lady tell this fella that’s standing by the counter that earlier in the day someone paid for their gas with a two-dollar bill.  crikeys, it’s like the land of forgotten money.  so now i’m stuck with the second most useless coin in the country.   

but i look down and notice it’s a 1964 Kennedy half-dollar.  holy collectable coin, batman!  now, i’m no coin collector or anything, but even i know that 1964 was the first year that Kennedy was put on the half-dollar (thus bumping off good ol’ ben “electric kite” franklin) AND that 1964 was the last year that silver coins were actually minted with a 90% silver content.  yeah, so now i have a “special” coin that i’ll no doubt end up putting away with the rest of my wheat pennies, liberty dimes, and all of those worthless foreign coins that i seem to get back from drink machines. 
geezy peezy. the only thing worse than getting back a half-dollar for change is getting back a silver-dollar.  i mean, whose idea was it to make that giant freakin’ coin? a coin that size could kill a man.  

anyway, that’s all i have.  if my day gets any more wacky, you’ll have to visit me. i’ll be the one in the white room with the soft walls.  

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The One About Light Up Toe Gems II

Category: weekleez

The One About Light Up Toe Gems II
February 12, 2002

hi kids,  

so you guys remember the one about the Light-up Toe Gems?   

anyway, i wrote a letter to their customer service dept. and so this week i’ll show you my letter and hopefully i’ll get a lame letter back from them sometime soon. and if my evil plan hatches just right, i can use their letter for next week’s weekly fodder.  i love a good plan.   

and oh yeah, because nobody asked, i got a 92 on my test.  booyah! that’s right, i own medieval to renaissance papacy and the holy roman empire is my biznitch. tatdow! i have not received my other test yet.  you know, the one on france.  i’m betting i did not get a 92 on that one.  

anyway, here’s my letter to Cosmic Giggles:  

Hi! My name is Jaimie Perkins, but you can call me Pickle, all my friends do! Well, first of all I want to tell you that I just LOVE my new Light-Up Toe Gems!  They are so KEWL! (that means “cool”). All my friends have them and we wear them to the mall and to all of the sports games!  I LOVE them!  

The reason I am writing this letter is because i go to Grover Cleveland Jr. High and my mean Social Studies teacher, Mr. Style, wanted us to write a consumer letter to a company that we had recently bought a product from.  So I chose your company! My assignment is to ask you some questions about your products (which i LOVE) and to see how fast you respond and if you can answer any or all of my questions.  

My first question is: Does Britney Spears use your products? She is totally da bomb! If she doesn’t wear your light-up jewelry already, she really should.  Maybe you could tell her and she’d wear one of the necklaces in her new video!  that would be totally kewl!  

My second question is about safety.  I’ve noticed that the Toe Gems are very small and could probably choke a small child. Have you thought about this? And what about getting them wet?  Is that dangerous?  I mean, if I’m at a football game and it starts to rain (let’s hope not!) can the electric motor in the jewelry shock me?  

Also, I have noticed that sometimes the jewelry does not flash everytime i move.  This is the only irritating feature of your awesome light-up jewelry, so can you tell me what is the exact force of impact or change in accelaration vector required to activate the flash mechanism for each motion sensing product in the Cosmic Giggles fashion accessories line?  Please provide specific numbers in kilograms of force (kg*m/sec^2) and/or standard metric accelaration units (m/sec^2 or cm/sec^2).  Is this value adjustable by the user, in the form of set-screws or similar apparati, or is it factory set?  

Thank you so much for your time,  
Jaimie “Pickle” Perkins

ps: Your website is so kewl!  I LOVE all of the rad colors! My boyfriend said it was stupid because it takes so long to download every page because of all the flash whatever. I told him to shut up because he is so stupid sometimes.  But I thought you should know that your Cosmic Cool Quiz was broken.  I couldn’t see my Cosmic Cool IQ.  

wasn’t that fun kids? thanks be to Cowboy Zydeco for the nerdy bit at the end.  sometimes it’s handy to know an engineer!   well, you guys have a happy VD. i think i’ll give up the weekly for lent.  
next week’s epitomb: jaimie remodels her room with a belt-sander… with hilarious results!  
jaimie “perkins” pickle

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The One About Henny Youngman and France

Category: weekleez

The One About Henny Youngman and France
February 5, 2002

um, hi kids,  

ok see it’s like this. there is no weekly today. and if i had thought about it sooner i would have had a “substitute weekly” for ya a la westbrook finlayson jr. because, you know, he did such a great job last time.  but no.  i didn’t think ahead and now we all must suffer. mwah-hahahahahah!  

now the reason you’re not getting a weekly today is not because i didn’t have one, well, okay, it’s mainly because i didn’t have one, but it’s also because i um, went back to school.  what i mean by that is, “OH MY GOD! WHAT WAS I THINKING? I WENT BACK TO SCHOOL? DERP!” apparently hell froze over.   

anyway, school is not the issue here… the two tests i have on thursday are.  and that is why there is no weekly this week. the dork must study. although i did try to snag someone else to write one. 
but she, even though she’s a great writer, even though more people read her work than mine, even though she’s so clever and makes me laugh, she wouldn’t do it.  she was sore afraid.  afraid of you guys!  i told her you didn’t bite and that sometimes you even send nice things but no, she hates you all and said that she didn’t have time to waste on the likes of you.  

and so you’re not getting a weekly today. and i know the foremost question on your mind at the moment is, “but jaimie, couldn’t you at least tell us what classes you are taking…and maybe make that funny somehow?”  well, seeing as how one of the classes is the history of france, well, as you can imagine… there’s nothing funny about that, except maybe their navy, er and canada. 
but that’s so easy, i mean, france is like the Henny Youngman of europe, sure he’s funny the first time but come on, someone take his wife already!  sheesh.  

I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?”
so i thought about maybe boring you with the details of the Edict of Nantes.
She said, “Somewhere I have never been!”
but heck, it was ineffectual when it was written, and it was even more ineffectual after Louis XIV revoked it 100 years later.
I said, “How about the kitchen?”  

Louis XIII married Anne of Austria.
My wife will buy anything marked down.
she was from Spain.
Last year she bought an escalator.  

Spain and England explored the world.
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last.
France explored Canada.
Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food…
Later, England takes Canada.
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.  

i suppose i could take cheap shots at france all night.
I came home, the car was in the dining room.
but i have to go study now.
“How did you get the car in here?”
which by the way, is why you’re not getting a weekly this week.
“Easy, I took a left at the kitchen.”  

on a random note, my father says that when he retires he’s gonna go back to school and major in alchemy.  that’s my dad, always thinkin’.  
so since there’s no weekly this week here are some things to keep you guys busy surfing so’s maybe you won’t notice that there’s no weekly. the infamous lori t. sent this one: www.colorgenics.com it’s about color and your personality and it will tell you your fortune too! or something.  it was quite mystical. evil.  but it made me laugh.  

well, that’s the not a weekly for this week.
next week’s epitomb: alchemy 101, Room 327, Dr. Flamel  
jaimie “mad anne bonney” pickle

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The One About “Progress thru Education”

Category: weekleez

The One About “Progress thru Education”
January 30, 2002

hi kids!  

i got a lot of comments about the ladybugs from last week.  who knew that so many people were into ladybugs? mary baldwin (that’s Dr. Baldwin to you) even went so far as to give me sumpin’.  you weekly readers are too good to me. mary gave me this really cute ladybug pen/pencil holder. it’s cuter than all get out, and i’ll probably have to take a picture of it to show you guys.  mary’s spy club nickname is Rosie Chickaboom, she trains the elephants and directs the spy club choir. point of interest: mary once raised an albino wallaby named Ruby.  

y’know, it’s people like mary that make me nervous. don’t get me wrong, she’s as sweet as can be, but y’see, she’s a doctor of english. i mean, she must get a headache after reading one of these. and you know what? there are like, 10 other english majors/teachers on this list.  how do you guys stand it? i can just imagine you guys reading this thing and mumbling to yourselves, “capitalization, misuse of comma, run-on sentence, comma, comma, capital, non-sentence, non-sentence, non-sentence…”

you know, i really would like to write a proper weekly at least once. if any of you english geeks out there would like to print out one of these grammar nightmares and “red ink” it, that would be cool. i am a wee bit interested to see how i’ve butchered this grammar thing. you can fax it to 256-494-0038.  what fun! on wik da weekly.  

ok so i make signs right? it’s alottafun.  it’s the coolest job in the world. now, i’m not sure what a contractor does, it’s got something to do with um, buildings i think.  but every two months i usually have to do a sign for a contractor.  so i assume (oh no) that a contractor has to put up a sign in front of whatever they are building at the time, right? does that make sense?  oh sure, i could just ask one of them next time they come in, but that’s just so easy.  

ok let me explain this better. these signs are for projects that are being built at schools.  and so the state of alabama issues what goes on the sign and it’s mandatory and it comes with a sheet of specifications and even goes so far as to have the measurement and spacing of all the text and phrasing of the sign.  so really, all these signs look alike, they just have different contractor names on them.  and basically these signs are “no-brainers”.  i don’t have to think about them at all ’cause someone at the state has already thought it out for me.  easy money.  

but in the words of Columbo, “there’s just this one last thing i don’t understand.”  

in the middle of these huge signs (that must be placed at sites involving an educational institution) there is a slogan.  the slogan must be so big and in red letters.  the slogan is “Progress thru Education”, i kid you not.  

look, it’s one thing to be informal, it’s another thing to be stupid.  taking notes in class and shortening words is informal, heck, it’s a good idea.  misspelling a word (on purpose) on signs that go in front of schools is stupid. the Weekly, on the other hand, is both informal and stupid, but not as stupid as “Progress thru Education”.  

i have no idea who came up with that slogan or when it first came out, but i know it’s over 3 years old, so it couldn’t have just been a mistake, surely they would have fixed it by now. derp? and i’m assuming (not again) that other states have other slogans for their school funding/building programs.  i mean, this couldn’t be a nationwide thing.  there’s too many smart people out there, right?  

now, we all know that for the state to come up with a slogan for something there would have had to have been a vote, right? geezy peezy, if “Progress thru Education” was the best slogan of the lot, what do you suppose the other nine (9) were like? oh boy! a leest!  

The Ten (9) Even More Stupid Slogans Than “Progress thru Education”  

10. “Good School Buildings Make Good Kids”  

9. “Schools Need Bigger Gyms Because Sports is Most Important”  

8. “Your Tax Dollars Just Bought This Rich School Another Science Lab”  

7. “Skool is 4 Kidz”  

6. “their iz no numbur sicks”  

5. “New Bleachers For The Football Stadium, Go Tigers!* “     
* mascot optional  

4. “We *heart* Schools!”  

3. “Progress and Smartness Go Hand in Hand… Just Like Two Hands”  

2. “If They Ain’t No School Buildings, We Can’t Learn Them Nothing”  

1. “Progress Through Education”  

eh, what does alabama know about progress anyway?  

jaimie “humor thru education” pickle  

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The One About Ladybugs

Category: weekleez

The One About Ladybugs
January 22, 2002

oh dear, it’s tuesday.  

ok, so i was chillin’ with my ‘rents at a Christmas party a couple of weeks ago (was i actually chillin’ with the fam? um, yeah, i think i was!) and someone was saying that their house was infested with ladybugs.  it’s a common problem in the cold, freezing months of an alabama winter.  but really, it could be a lot worse. i mean, i realize that bugs in the house is a nuisance, but at least it’s not spiders or roaches or people, right?  and really, what is an infestation when it comes to sweet, precious ladybugs?  

i suppose finding 3 or 4 ladybugs in say, the bathroom, might be somewhat of an oddity.  and by that i mean you would probably remember it, but really it’s no big deal other than “watercooler fodder” as in, “dude, last night i was brushing my teeth and there were like, 2 ladybugs on the mirror, 1 in the sink and 1 on my toothbrush. weird, huh?”  

and i guess finding 30 or 40 ladybugs in the bathroom would be a bit disturbing, but is it an infestation? i mean, 2 minutes with a vacuum and you’ll be able to declare, “this house is clea-ah.”  and since you probably should’ve sweeped anyway, i wouldn’t consider it too much of a problem.  

now 400 ladybugs in the bathroom is what i’d call a nightmare. it’s the nightmare i had last night.   

right, so anyway, ladybug infestation, it could be gross, but only if you don’t own a sweeper.  

and then someone told me that ladybugs bite. 
whaa? 
and then they insisted i do a weekly on it.
whaa?  

and it sort of reminded me of the one about platypi and so i thought that if it’s true that ladybugs bite then i should probably let the rest of you know about it.  so i went to google.com to search for ladybugs.  i found many pages, but um, not many for actual ladybugs.  

here’s an excerpt from one of the pages:
We are sisters-in-law in the small Northeast Texas town of Clarksville.  Being married for over thirty years to brothers, we’ve always enjoyed crafting individually and are finally able to work together.  We’ve worked on many different items over the years.   
um, just go with it.  
here’s another:
On July 23, 1999, with the launch of the Space Shuttle Columbia, the LEO project got off the ground. On board this spacecraft was a student-designed experiment called STARS, investigating the effects of microgravity on ladybugs and aphids. No one knew for certain what was going to happen on this “maiden” voyage. But students in five American middle and high schools, as well as the Chilean girls who designed the experiment, were along—in a virtual sense—for the ride, collecting data and comparing it to a similar experiment being conducted in their classrooms.  
man, i gotta apply for a grant.  

this one:
Hello there, I’m glad you found my little corner dedicated to ladybugs. If you are wondering why I built a site just to talk about the tinny bugs well, Ladybugs are like really cool. If we didn’t have lady beetles, many mean and harmful insects would cause a lot of damage to our gardens. Luckily for us, our beloved defenders are always ready to take on the bad guys……go get them ladies!!  
no really. i’m not making that up.  

and this:
Ladybugs (1992)
Starring: Rodney Dangerfield, Jackee
Director: Sidney J. Furie
Synopsis: A guy willing to do anything to get ahead agrees to coach a women’s soccer team and brings in his own ringer, a man in drag.
Runtime: 91 minutes
MPAA Rating: PG-13
Genres: Comedy, Family, Kids  

ha ha.   anyway, after drudging through the sites that were NOT about ladybugs i actually found some real info about REAL ladybugs.
like this:
Ladybugs, or lady beetles, are a very beneficial group of insects; a single lady beetle may consume as many as 5,000 aphids in its lifetime. Lady beetle adults have a very characteristic convex, hemispherical to oval body shape. The head is covered by a hood called the pronotum. Many species of lady beetles are present in Kentucky.  
take that, kentucky!

They may be white, yellow, pink, orange, red or black, and usually have spots. Like many of the brightly-colored insects, ladybugs are distasteful to predators. When disturbed, they may secrete an odorous fluid out of their joints to warn enemies of their distastefulness.
gag, but do they bite?  

Adult females lay their eggs in the vicinity of aphid colonies. The alligator-like larvae are also predaceous. They are spiny and black with bright spots.
aha! alligator! predaeceous!  so they bite right?  

Although they look dangerous, lady beetle larvae are quite harmless to humans.
so they don’t bite? or they do bite, but there is no venom? or… bite?  

Depending on the species, lady beetles go through at least one generation per year, with adults overwintering by hibernating in aggregations under leaf litter and other debris. Rarely, aggregations may find their way into homes in the winter. Pest-proofing a home by applying caulk and weatherstripping should prevent this from occurring. yeah, we got that.  what about the biting?   There is a similar, common species of beetle that is a pest, called the Mexican bean beetle. It is very easy to distinguish. Adults have a yellowish-orange body with eight black spots on each wing cover. The larvae are also very distinctive, and shouldn’t be mistaken for predaceous larvae, because they have large forked spines across their backside. The Mexican bean beetle is a defoliator of soybeans and green beans.
aha! oh wait. beans.  

there was another website that said all of the same stuff but it finally mentioned biting, or not biting actually:
Asian ladybugs, like boxelder bugs, pine seed bugs and elm leaf beetles, are accidental invaders; that is, “outdoor” insects that create a nuisance by wandering indoors during a limited portion of their life cycle.   Accidental invaders do not feed or reproduce indoors.  They cannot attack the house structure, furniture, or fabric.  They cannot sting or carry diseases.   Ladybugs do not feed on people, although they will occasionally pinch exposed skin. Ladybug may leave a slimy smear and they have a distinct odor when crushed.  

and then the site tried to get me to buy a $14.99 can of bug killah called Demon XP.  geez peezy, we’re talkin’ about ladybugs here, and they suggest something called Demon XP?  i mean, these are itty-bitty, harmless insects, not minions of the Dark One.  Demon XP? for ladybugs? that’s like calling the orkin man to come squash the roach on your kitchen floor.  i think you can handle that one on your own.  

so anyway mary, the ladybugs don’t bite, but they do pinch.   

most importantly, “Ladybugs do not feed on people”.  was that ever a concern?  i mean, i can understand the need to maybe explain that ladybugs occasionally pinch, but feed on people?  thanks for the visual, buddy. now i know what i’ll dream about tonight.  

next week’s epitomb: yo ho ho and a bottle of rum…and another bottle of rum.  

jaimie “inner-city hokum” pickle  

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The One About Light-Up Toe Gems

Category: weekleez

The One About Light-Up Toe Gems
January 15, 2002

weekly time!  

hi kids! welcome to the weekly! i’m your hostess with the most-ess, jaimie “precious princess” pickle!  er, where did that come from? anyway, tuesday at last.  here’s the deal, i had a weekly mostly written, it was about cars. and then this thing happened, i had a slice of pecan pie.  ok, this wasn’t just any pecan pie. it was my first slice of pecan pie, ever.   

that’s right, i’m 24 years old and i had never had the experience of pecan pie.  it’s not that i had never seen the pies before. my mom has conquistadored several pecan pies in my lifetime, i just haven’t tasted one ’til now.  see, i don’t like pecans. at all. i hate ’em.  nuts don’t belong in pies, cookies, or brownies. or ice cream for that matter. in fact, i can’t think of any use for pecans.

but there was this pie, see?
and i was kinda hungry, see?
but i wanted something sweet, see?
and there was this pie, see?
so i tasted it, dig?

and oh my gosh, pecan pie is the best thing ever! i mean, have you ever tasted it?!  it’s incredible!   so you see, there went the car weekly, right out the window.  move over muscle car, make room for the pecan pie! 

so then i had this thing about how pecan pie can save the world and blah blah peace on earth blah blah. but then, i received a gift.  

it was one of those “here’s a present jaimie, now where’s my cool nickname?” kinda things.  and let me tell you, this little token is worth far more than a cool name.  it’s worth a whole weekly!  so forget the pecan pie (that comes later) and let’s talk toe rings. what?  

cyndi “with an eye” nelson is an editor of the “life and times” department of the local paper. so i guess being an editor has some “perks”.  like, people send you things (mostly cookbooks and stuff that the life and times section would um, talk about) and so she gets free stuff right?  well, i guess she got some free stuff and decided that maybe if she gave it to me she could get a cool name.  well hey, that works for me!   

so cyndi gets this little “promo-pack” in the mail about this special item. and the envelope includes the special item and a letter that explains exactly what the special item is and other special items that this company makes.  so the product is heart-shaped plastic toe rings that flash as you walk.
*ahem*  HEART-shaped plastic TOE RINGS that FLASH as YOU WALK.
they are called Light-Up Toe Gems.  

and gems they are!  
the best part of the package is of course the letter that they sent to cyndi.  the “letterhead” has the company name in Comic Sans.  the worst font ever created.  but i’ll let that skip. 

here’s how it goes:  

Dear Editor,
ok, see? they realize that they are sending this to an editor.  an adult. probably with good editing skills.  

It’s that time of year again when young guys everywhere are looking for a unique way to show their Valentines how they really feel. Of course, there’s the traditional chocolate, flowers, and balloon bouquets, but this year, kewl guys in-the-know will be putting a sparkle in their Valentine’s eyes with Cosmic Giggles heart shaped Light-Up Toe Gems!
ok, so how do “young guys” “really feel” about their Valentines?  i mean, i gather they are interested somewhat seeing as how they must’ve circled ‘yes’ on the “do you like me? circle yes or no” letter they received from said Valentine, but really, what does that mean? does that entitle the “young guy” to buy her something? and if so, does it mean he has to buy her something cheap and plastic? and flashy?  i don’t know.
“kewl”? um, i’m not sure that’s good form for a business letter.  

A flashy, and oh-so-welcome alternative to traditional Valentine’s Day gift choices. These flashy heart-shaped “jewels” serve double duty as motion activated rings for either your toes or fingers that light-up with every step! They’re totally trendy and oh so kewl gem sets that come complete with a key chain pouch for safe keeping and colorful decals to help create a bold fashion statement!
eh, doubly duty?  oh-so-welcome, oh-so-kewl, oh-so-over use that phrase.  a bold fashion statement that says, “look what that doofus bought me.”  

Cosmic Giggles, the hot new line of high tech inspired light-up fashion accessories is truly lighting-up the hearts of young girls everywhere! Produced especially for today’s trend-conscious “tween” and teen girls -ages six to 16 – these ultra hot new products boast patented technology and dazzling designs!  Destined to create a flashy fashion frenzy, Cosmic Giggles carry manufacturers suggested retail prices ranging from only $9.99 to $14.99.  
um ok kids, let’s take a moment from that letter so’s i can explain how these “toe gems” work.  you know how when your flash light is broken and it won’t light unless you shake it violently? same principle with these “toe gems”.  it’s like a broken light that only lights when the two leads touch. so where they got “hi-tech” out of “broken toy light” i have no idea.  and $9.99? $14.99?!  um, i don’t think so.  sorry chet, your product is good, but it ain’t ten bucks good. dig? back to the letter.  

In addition to way rad Toe Gems, the Cosmic Giggles light-up jewelry line also includes the following totally techno accessories.
hey man, let’s tone it down with the adjectives, ok?  

*Electro Cool Light-Up Nails: Available in today’s most popular colors, these fashionable press-on nails light-up whenever you wave or move your hands! The Set includes a handy-dandy storage case and stick-on decals and gems for an ultra-glam look!
ok, may i suggest that when trying to hock your “hi-tech” wares you not use “handy-dandy” to describe something? i mean, that’s a phrase the Fuller Brush man would use.  ultra-glam. i shudder.  

*Electro Cool Light-Up Armband Tattoos: Slip on these stretchy armbands and they’ll light-up everytime you move your arm. They’re fun, flashy, and you don’t have to pay a fortune to have them surgically removed.
well then, how much DOES it cost to have them removed?  

*Electro Cool Light-Up Cell Phone Accents: These totally techno and fabulously fashionable necklaces and bracelets (each sold separately) light-up whenever an incoming call comes through on your cell phone and are ideal for when you’re at the library, the movies, a concert or dancing in a club!
totally techno fabulously fashionable putrid piece of oh-so-overpriced junk.  

Cosmic Giggles are available wherever toys and kids’ fashion accessories are sold. For more information on Cosmic Giggles, visit www.cosmicgiggles.com . 
by all means, check out that web site.  “high voltage fashion fun”.  high voltage? these people would freak out if they knew about 9volt batteries.  

We have enclosed a set of Cosmic Giggles Electro Cool Light-Up Toe-Gem to light-up your day and allow you to personally experience the most fabulous new fashion trend in the making!
was that even a sentence? engrish anyone?  

Upon review, i’m sure you will agree that these heart-shaped rings will make any lucky Valentine’s heart skip a flash – er, beat!
derp!  

Thank you for your time and consideration. I will call you later in the week to follow-up on your interest.  

Happy Valentine’s Day!  
Rebecca    

 

well, thanks becky for that lovely letter. i haven’t laughed that hard since i had to have that unsightly tattoo surgically removed from my cell phone – er, beat!  

anyway, there’s a bonus! at the bottom of the letter becky has provided an e-mail address, a phone number, and a fax number and well, i’m just dying to contact her! you guys have any ideas for any questions i could ask her about these fabulously fashionable techno trinkets?   

thanks so much cyndi for the fabulously fleem flip fleegan!  totally techno tweeter twit time-ticker! derp!  these light-up baubles are right up my alley!  i’ve been wearing one the whole time i’ve been typing this. it’s on my finger of course, i have on socksnshoes so my toes aren’t accessible, and i gotta admit, this cheap, barely flashing, heart-shaped piece of plastic is actually kinda fun.  it matches my hair. 
cyndi’s new spy club nickname is Heidi “the Shark” Johansen. she’s the editor, if you know what i mean.  you don’t want to be on the wrong side of her red pen.  

right, so about that pecan pie thing.  i need a recipe.  i need a recipe for the greatest pecan pie ever.  so if anyone out there would be so kind as to send a recipe this way, i’ll be ever so thankful.  you may even win a Martha award. i haven’t dealt out one of those since last, last december, when jennifer “cosmic giggles” finlayson made honest-to-god homemade hot chocolate. so dust off those cook books!  jaimie’s having a bake off!  derp.

your homework, should you choose to accept it, is to come up with something that i could bug Rebecca at Cosmic Giggles about and/or a pecan pie recipe. oh yeah, jimmy, when you buy me pretty baubles for VD, don’t bother with the cheap plastic flashing ones. i have those already. DERP!  

next week’s epitomb: oh my goodness, it was supposed to be about ladybugs this week. dang.  

jaimie “the most fabulous new fashion trend in the making” pickle

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The One About The Lord of the Rings

Category: weekleez

The One About the Lord of the Rings
December 26, 2001

hi kids! and welcome to the weekly!  

i hope everyone had a great Christmas. the Pickle House had a good one, thanks for asking. right, on with it then. this weekly may contain “spoilers” for the movie, The Lord of the Rings. if this matters to you, than you really should’ve seen the movie by now. i mean, what kind of “fan” are you? also, the word (or a variation of the word) ass is used several times in this e-mail.  how cool is that?  

it is my only regret that i could not get this out to you guys sooner. perhaps i could’ve saved many of you a little bit of money and a whole lot of time. you see, i had the terrible misfortune of seeing The Lord of the Rings last wednesday.  

now first let me admit that i’ve never read any of the Tolkien books. i know, i know. it’s not that i think that the books would be horrible or anything, i’m certain that they are quite enjoyable and well-written, after all, millions of literary fantasy geeks can’t be wrong can they? of course not, the books are probably “all that”.  

my problem with reading fantasy books (not the porn kind) is that you have to learn all about the fantasy places and people before you can actually start to read the “good part” book (porn is much easier). i don’t have that kind of time (porn is much faster), nor am i that interested in learning about histories and cultures of made-up places and people. this is also the reason i can’t get into sci-fi. and ok, usually the sci-fi characters aren’t that well-developed (like porn!). it’s the uber-technology that i don’t have time to comprehend, you know, like jeff goldblum “hacking” into the alienspaceship thingy with his Win95 laden laptop. that being said, i was really looking forward to seeing The Lord of the Rings because
a. hollywoodland told me i’d like it
b. it would save me from reading the book
3. it looked like it’d be pretty
d. it seemed like a good idea at the time  

well,
a. they lied
b.i’ll try not to judge the book by the movie
3. it had some pretty parts. it wasn’t as “thomas kincade” as i thought it would be. (that’s a good thing)
d. getting a degree in art seemed like a good idea at the time too  

so anyway, LOTR is the first of three (3) movies and boy, am i tickled to death. (note the sarcasm) the story, (epic, rather) takes place in Middle Earth, or as we call it, the Netherlands.  

Hour One
the first hour of the movie is sort of like a huge prologue with a bit of exposition. we learn about how the hobbits, wee people with dirty feet (think Dutch), ended up with an evil ring. basically it breaks down like this: back in the day there were these 19 rings given to these kingdoms and there was this bad-ass named Sauron and he made his own ring (making it a nice even 20 rings) but it’s an evil ring, and so he’s the bad-guy and has a huge army of orcs (think early German tribes). and there was this good-guy king and he leads an army against the bad-guys (we’ll call him Charlemagne). so Charley defeats Sauron and thus the ring ends up in the hands of a hobbit. er, that’s the short version.  

now, we all know that the Dutch have been in the jewelery bidness a long time, right? (de Beers, anyone?) so it’s no mystery that the ring ends up with the hobbits and more specifically Bilbo Baggins and more specifically again, Frodo Baggins. the thing is, Sauron isn’t really dead, bad-asses just don’t “die”. they always come back. for their evil ring. and so the exposition begins. again.  

Hour Two
so the deal is, the ring must go, but not just anyone can destroy it, it must be taken back to the evil place in which it was created, and of course, not just one person can do it, so all the important kingdoms send out their best “warrior” to decide what should be done and they end up in this alliance (Union of Utrecht 1579).  

so this “phlegm de la phlegm” (the 9 most important characters) become the “fellowship of the ring”. their mission is to get the evil ring to Mt. Doom which is in the land of Mordor (see, i paid attention). there, they must destroy the ring thus destroying Sauron “for real”.   anyway, this “fellowship” is Frodo (the ring-bearer hobbit) and his three hobbit buddies Sam, Dinky, and Chet. there is a dwarf named Gimli and an elf named Legolas (protestant church movement and the french). there’s two human men Boromir (plot device) and Aragorn (William, Prince of Orange). and oh yeah, there’s an old wizard with a long grey beard named Harry Potter or Gandalf or something.  

ok, so now that all the characters have met they and the movie can now “get on with it” and mosey over to Mt. Doom. their adventure includes them being chased by wraiths and goblins. and then they are chased by orcs. and then they are chased by birds. and then they are chased by a giant squid. and then they are chased by more orcs. and then they are chased by a fire-demon. and then they are chased by some really suped-up orcs.  

also in hour two we learn that Galderf’s wizard mentor, Saruman (Phillip II of Spain), has turned bad and wants to help Sauron come back and conquer Holland.  
also in hour two we meet some elves. one named Liv and another one named Cate. and then we promptly forget about them. because what is mainly being focused on is the repetitive chase scenes, which is half of the movie. the other half of the movie consists of close-up still-shots of grubby hands holding a gold ring. exposition. exposition. exposition.  

Hour Three
Gandrup and Boromint die. no one cares. more chasing. more fighting. no one cares. the evil army attacks everyone one at a time and no one cares. the only thing you do care about is your ass and how it’s molded itself into the shape of the theater seat, and also how you’re going to have to call your chiropractor in the morning.  

at the “end”, Frodo and Sam are on their way to Mt. Doom, the other hobbmutts have been kidnapped. the dwarf, the elf and the other guy who isn’t dead (William of Orange) are on their way to meet Frodo and Sam, i guess, must’ve fallen asleep during that part. but most importantly, no one has made it to Mordor yet. the movie ends and really, nothing new has happened since the first hour of the movie. where’s my rising action? where’s my climax and resolution? i realize it’s only part one, but come on…at least give the movie an ending.  

it was horrible. the theater was packed and when the flick ended everyone walked out a stunned silence. i couldn’t even make a complete sentence for 20 minutes after watching it, “whaa? bahhaaha..fnanananana..ramalamdingdong.”  

was it really that bad? yes. yes it was.  

the only people who enjoyed this flick are the die-hard Tolkien fans (poor shemps), the drones who like any movie hollywoodland tells them to like and any shemp who, after being sucker-punched by TNT’s production of The Mists of Avalon said, “Please sir, may I have another?”  

gads. if you gotta go to the movies, go see Harry Potter. again.  
i suppose the sequel, The Two Towers, will come out next year, maybe? and in the next three hour installment the Netherlands finally win it’s independence from Spain, and Frodo helps create the Dutch trade industry, and incidently, the Anglo-Dutch Wars.  
or um, something.  

anyway, that’s just like, my opinion, man. and so, to be fair, this next section of the weekly was written by a fan of the movie, my leetle brahther, Justin.  

Whoa….hehehe…i’m on the weekly….hehehehe POOP!!! hehehehehehe
Jaimie, Jaimie, Jaimie How can you have not liked this movie. Its only been the best movie that came out this year! Sure it was kinda, well super duper long, but there wasn’t a dull moment in the whole thing. You can’t help but pay attention to the entire show(not flick!), i mean you don’t even get a chance to let your mind wonder. The surround sound was awsome, it was totally freakin’ LOUD!, lots of fighting! (thats a good thing), and some killer music that just really kept you highly entertained throughout the whole thing. The actors were really good too, and they all kinda had these british accents, which suprises me that Jaimie didn’t like this movie, i thought she liked anything british! She liked Harry Potter, wasn’t he british? hmmmmm Harry Potter is aimed to the 6-13 year old audience, and Jaimie really liked it… so I guess Jaimie has the attention span of a 13 year old!

Ok, they’re not always beeing chased, they’re on a journey and they run into a lot of hardships on the way, and if they don’t want to be killed they either run away or stay and fight. Which they do both, alot, and its cool! You don’t like stories about journies and obstacles to climb Jaimie?! wait a minute, isn’t one of your favorite movies The Wizard of Oz? hmmm sounds kinda familiar! But The Wizard of Oz is a “classic” huh, and you like the “classics”, well you know the only reason they’re “classics” is because Hollywoodland told everyone to like it back then too!  

Its a good movie! I like with movies with lots of eyecandy, and the story’s pretty good too, we just got the beginning, this movie WAS the rising action, the climax will come as well as the resolution. Here’s what went through my mind during the movie:
Hour one
WOW!!!!! The first scene was the coolest scene i’ve ever seen in a movie. it was 10 times cooler than the war scenes in Braveheart! then it takes you to the shire, and wow everythings green and pretty, and hey look they DO have big harry feet like it was decribed to me in the book. and then, hey look there’s Bilbo, he was in The Hobbit, hey Gandalf and frodo are talking about that dragon from The Hobbit. I remember the dragon! (Jaimie doesn’t). and then WHOA!!!!! those fireworks are AWSOME! and then the Wraiths on horseback were pretty bad-ass, i was scared, hehehehe midgits are funny, WHOA , there’s Strider, he’s a bad-ass! wow he can kill a lot of badguys. Gandalf is COOL! WOW a fight between 2 wizards! AWESOME!

Hour Two
Alright, we got us a posse! hey, isn’t that elf the guy from Malcom In The Middle? and the other warrior guy, isn’t that the guy in Grounded for Life?  These fight scenes are COOL! wow another one! BONUS! What the hell is that?!?!?! Thats the ugliest, scariest orc in the world! He’s cool! This movie is cool! Wow Frodo is really growing up and becoming pretty wise isn’t he? aw man Gandalf can’t die! hey…is Liv Tyler gonna be in the movie again?

Hour Three
Wow those arrows that big nasty orc is shooting are HUGE! Fight, Fight, Fight, yeah! Cool! oh….its over….wow what time is it?   I give it two thumbs up, yes it was too long, but so was the Godfather. (Did he just say The Godfather was too long?!?!*gasp*) If you have to spend $7.75 to see a movie this year, this one is worth the money actually.    

ok kids, there you have it, the Pickle Kids’ two cents on that movie. apparently you either love it or hate it.  

next week’s epitomb: the Weekly for guys who like the Weekly  
jaimie “boromint: the fresh maker” pickle
justin “better than jaimie” pickle  

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Happy Holidays From Apt 711

Category: weekleez

hi kids,
and a happy holiday funtime to you and yours! yeah, that’s right, more holiday tripe. dinna worry, december will be over soon.  

this week’s weekly is special however, as it is the “traditional” yearly newsletter spoof.  i have attached the “nice” picture to this e-mail, check the website for the “livingroom christmas scene” with numbered legend. so with out much further ado, here is the third-person yearly newsletter:    

Happy Holidays from Apartment 711!  

Wow, has it been a year already? This complete year of suck has sure flown by fast for Laura and Jaimie! Why, you’d almost think that they didn’t sit around every month and say “It’s the 15th already? But yesterday was just like the 1st! Where did my youth go? This is not my beautiful house!”

First some updates:
The girls still live in that dump they call “that place where all our stuff is” or as some of you might call it, “home”. Good ol’ Apartment #711. Their air conditioning only broke once every two weeks this summer, which is an improvement from summer 2000, when the unit broke every week.

And they’re sure to have a brisk winter this year as they have already noticed that the heat only blows out cold air! They would call their “super” and have it fixed, but if there’s one thing they’ve learned about Good ol’ Apartment #711 it’s that there’s not a competent maintenance worker on the premises. Besides, their fingers are so numb from the cold they can’t even dial a phone!

This holiday season they plan on battling the cold with lots of blankets and by baking cookies so they can use the oven (which, surprisingly works!) as a heat source. If there’s one thing you can count on, it’s Laura and Jaimie’s clever solutions to idiotic problems as well as their ability to incorporate fire hazards into their everyday lives. You should see them at restaurants!

One of their other clever solutions to their “home” problems is to just avoid the place! Jaimie is by far the better of the 2 at this, but Laura is a fast-learner. They’ve had several adventures this year all of which did not happen at Good ol’ Apartment #711!

Their first adventure involved West Palm Beach, Florida, a yacht, and lots of drunk men hitting on them! Laura handled the situation by sending the drunk men to fetch her things. Jaimie solved her problem by seeing how many pina coladas she could drink! I think the girls would agree, the less said about that adventure the better!

Their second adventure was spelunking! Spelunking means “cave exploring”. That’s right! Earlier this year our girls and several of their friends found themselves deep within the earth’s crust. They learned a super lot from that adventure: caves are very dark, bats really do live in caves (and they fly!), and it’s not a good idea to find out that you’re claustrophobic when you’re in a “tunnel” so small that you have to squish along the muddy, rocky cave bottom on your soft, t-shirt clad stomach! A good time was had by all, except Laura and Jaimie. Laura found her “happy place” while Jaimie just cried like a baby. Thank you Liz, Chad, Chris & Jimmy for leading the girls into the twilight zone – they will never, ever forget it! No matter how hard they try!

Those two girls and their adventures…

But hey, their lives aren’t all fun and games. In fact, they have to “work” for a living. Of course, “work” for Laura and Jaimie means, “look busy and get paid”. Laura still looks busy and gets paid at the local newspaper as the graphic artist. She makes maps. Jaimie looks busy and gets paid at a local sign shop. Jaimie loves signs!

No wedding bells sounded for Laura and Jaimie this year, but if they’re still together in March, common law will take care of that. Everyone in Rainbow City assumes they’re a couple anyway! On the side Laura is cheating on Jaimie with a really super-great guy named Kris. Her grandmother approves because a) he is a pastor’s son and b) she has not met him yet. We think she’ll love his tattoos, pierced nipples and pet snakes! Ha ha, we’re only kidding! Laura’s grandmother likes *any* kind of nipple!

As for Jaimie and Jimmy…are those wedding bells i hear? No, that’s just your tinnitus. Oh well, there’s always next year…or the next…maybe. They can’t figure out what the fuss is all about. Why spend all that money on a wedding when they can “live in sin” for free? duh!

What else has been going on?

Oh no! Laura wrecked her car! (R.I.P. Nissan Sentra) So she got a new one. (Why, hello there, Toyota Corolla) Luckily, she wasn’t hurt too bad, but she did have intensive neck therapy at one of the local witch-doctors (oops!) chiropractic clinics. They didn’t rip her off too bad because insurance paid for everything!

Jaimie’s big, red Jeep is running fine, but her colon isn’t! Boy oh boy, she’s had diarrhea for over a year! She’s gone through two specialists and one colonoscopy. She still has diarrhea, but has not lost her sense of humour! Yet.

They are still in a band called Even So and Jaimie wrote a song for it called “Sucks to be You.” Oh, that Jaimie and her “take” on “life.” For Laura, being in a band this year meant the chance to have a stalker (’cause Laura is much nicer in e-mail than in person) and repeatedly be mistaken for Liz.
Laura is still working on her teen romance novel, Locker Material. Jaimie is still currently writing a snide, yet sometimes halfway knowledgeable e-mail that she “publishes” “weekly”.   They are both in therapy. still.  

Best Wishes to you this Holiday Season,
The Girls at Apartment 711  

 

and there you have it. i think even Martha would be proud.  

and here’s the other picture that laura took, complete with numbered legend:

1. the tiny christmas tree in all it’s tiny glory.
2. the torchier light. the electrical outlet is one of those stupid ones connected to the light switch. it’s rather annoying. also, this lamp provides the only light in the livingroom. bright little bastard isn’t it?
3. jaimie’s huge 4’x6′ gear painting that she’s never hung on the wall. we don’t know if she’s just lazy or embarrased.
4. the couch and it’s many afghan blankets. the apartment is so cold we must provide a blanket for each visitor. it’s kind of embarrassing sure, but it doesn’t stop people from coming over. liz always uses the green one.
5. um, not sure what number 5 is pointing to. laura? what the hell is number 5? is it the filthy carpet that has always looked stained and dirty? is it my random papers and research about the John Birch Society that i’ve left on the floor for 3 weeks? is it your red guitar? or the curious roll of duct tape?
6. dammit LB, you know there’s not supposed to be a number six! i guess number 6 is my shoes? the “hall tree”? jimmy’s TV that he lovingly donated to us? next time we should use lines or arrows.
7. er, that’s me hidden behind the coat rack (i said ‘rack’) holding what appears to be a beverage of some sort. pro’ly booze.

next week tuesday happens to be christmas day.  i dunno if i’ll send anything or not.  you never can tell. 
aw, shucks. you know me, i’ll pro’ly send something.  

by the way, dan got a speeding ticket last week, so next time you see him be sure to point and laugh.
*sigh* canadians.  

next week’s epitomb: what’s in jaimie’s stocking?  

jaimie “i smell a rat” pickle

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