I play with a worship team (band, whatever I don’t know.) and we played at a church out in Webster’s Chapel called… something. Shut up. I can’t think of it right now. It’s late.

ANYway we get to the place and it’s in one of those spots that got hit by the tornadoes in April 2011. So the land out there is really crazy weird and barren. This church building is new cos the old one was blown away, I guess. It was a super-nice building, big new stage. When we got there and set up our stuff and started to practice a bit to get levels and stuff it was really hard. Things didn’t sound right. I couldn’t hear any vocals. I couldn’t even hear my bass, and I was standing with the amp pointed up at my head. How is this possible?

I was getting irritated. There was a couple of old people milling about and I thought man, if this is the crowd, we are sunk.

After we got things set up as best we could we went to this back room to pray. I don’t know how long we were back there, but it couldn’t have been more than 5 minutes. When we came out there was a ton of people there! Mostly teens. WHERE DID THEY COME FROM? I went to the parking lot to get a piece of chewing gum out of my car and there weren’t any extra cars there. Just ours and 2 others. Did they bus those kids in?

When we played it was still hard to hear, but not the worst I’ve had to deal with. I think also I was thrown off because usually I get to play right next to the drums. I do this not because I love to be next to drums, I actually don’t like loud noises, but I do it so I can watch the drummer’s foot on the pedal. (I am not a musician. I am an artist and I need visual cues. DO NOT JUDGE ME LIKE HOW I JUDGE PEOPLE WITH MOUTHS THAT DON’T MOVE WHEN THEY TALK.) It’s not like I constantly stare at the drummer’s foot all night. I just need it as a security blanket. WHY AM I STILL EXPLAINING THIS?

Anyway, at this gig the drum kit was set up in the corner AND behind a plexiglass shield! What the hell damn guy? How am I supposed to deal with this?!

With quiet dignity and grace. And spearmint chewing gum.

Oh! And I should mention that I was missing my dear friend, Snatchie Onassis’s birthday party. (Worry not, she gave me a cup of fresh hell for missing her party. She’s getting a cool-ass present though.) So there I was all, “Really Lord? I’m here in Uncomfortableville with no pals, no ears, and I’m disappointing my friend, and I’m really thirsty and I could be drinking a beer with pals! What am I doing here?!”

I’m a Terrible Christian™, by the way.

But then, like I said, tons of teens showed up, mysteriously. Do  you think it could’ve been blimps? They blimped them over? I’m going to pretend they came in blimps.

We played and I was a nervous nellie the whole time cos I couldn’t hear well and didn’t want to screw up the songs. But the teens, man, they totally dug it. It was so cool. As soon as we started they jumped right in and was worshiping and jumping and dancing and just being all free and stuff. I was shocked. When I was a teen, I would’ve been in the back, tapping my foot to the music, and trying not to be seen. (Weird, when I’m on stage, I’m in the back, tapping my foot to the music, and trying not to be seen. Way to grow up and mature, Jaimie.)

These kids had no fear. They were so cool.
No kidding, they really impressed me.

Then the pastor gave a message. It was good. He’s a very earnest man.

Then we did ministry time, so we played some more songs and the teens got up and prayed for each other. I don’t know anything of what they were praying for, but at one point this girl near the stage ripped off this ankle brace she was wearing. It made a loud SKRITCH sound cos it was Velcro. That’s what made me look up. I assume her foot was healed?

The reason I have no idea what happened with the ministry time and prayers and such was because during our last song all of a sudden all the teens were gone. So I didn’t get to talk to any of them. They just disappeared. Probably the blimp came back and picked them up.

On the way home I decided that I was really glad I skipped the party and got to play for those teens. They were great.

It was a good thing, and I hope we get to do it again sometime.

I can’t believe I’m saying that.

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Tags: church, cookie

So I’m watching Deadwood with some pals because they said it was great and they are right. But then out of nowhere Alice Krige comes in during the second season and oh my gosh her face bothers me more than Helena Bonham Carter’s and Christina Ricci’s COMBINED.

Here is my problem. Her face is fine. She’s a beautiful lady in that unique, unconventional Tilda Swinton kind of way, right? But. She doesn’t move her face when she talks AND THIS BUGS ME TO NO END. And I can’t help it. I notice mouths.
Krige’s mouth is stretched as wide as it can go and she doesn’t move her upper lip when she talks and OH MY GOD IT IS SO UNCANNY AND IT MAKES MY SPINE SHIVER.

Others whose mouths drive me batty cos their upper lips don’t move much to the exasperation of my friends who have to hear me shriek in horror when they’re on the screen:

Denzel Fucking Washington
Forest Fucking Whitaker (He’s not always guilty of this.)
Humphery Fucking Bogart

Honorable mentions:
John King (news wonk on CNN) has a bow tie mouth and I hate to watch it move. This is unfair, I think, because here I have said that I hate it when lips don’t move when they talk, but then this guys lips move constantly and form a shape and I can’t stand that either. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

If we’re watching something and I comment on whoever is on the screen’s mouth, Mr. Fleegan sighs in defeat and rolls his eyes and regrets that we ever met. His is a valid reaction because I DO THIS ALL THE TIME. I’m not even exaggerating. All the damn time.

Is there a word for this mouth-hate? I mean besides crazy-freak-weirdo?
And also is there a word for when people don’t move their upper lip when they talk?

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Tags: mr. fleegan, TV

Can you spot the turtle?
This big ‘un lives in the creek by my house. Some mornings we see it and others we don’t but we still see big holes in the sediment at the bottom of the creek where the turtle has been. There are plenty of small bream and minnows (minners, for you locals) in the creek for it to eat.

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Tags: nature

The other day Snatchie Onassis said something about people logging in their daily food or whatnot on a website or something. And she says some of them will put things like:

Snack: a tablespoon of almonds

Shreddy and I laughed. “Don’t lie.”

“That’s 3 almonds, right?”

“That’s not even worth the calories it would take to dispense, measure, and eat.”

“A tablespoon of almonds is an ingredient not a snack.”

 

Aren’t we delightfully mean? Then we invented the 12 grapefruit diet. You can eat 12 grapefruits and one pound of alligator meat a day. Say goodbye to your butthole.

Ever since then we text each other fake meals and snacks.

 

“Oh wow. for breakfast this morning I went outside and took 6 deep breaths. So delicious!”

“For breakfast I ate 12 grapefruits, and I splurged for lunch: one diet ‘Nilla Wafer.”

“At Japanese restaurant, I ate one sesame seed, a grain of rice, and an edamame bean.”

“For my lunch I had 4 leftover bean sprouts and looked at a diet rootbeer.”

“Breakfast: Black coffee (enema! I didn’t DRINK it.) and two teaspoons of egg whites. (also enema-ed those.) can u take me to the hospital?”

“I had crumbs from toast and I licked a slice of ham. I am too weak to drive, call 911 but don’t let them give you fluids. ~water weight~”

 

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Tags: First Ladies

Sorry for no updates. I’ve been working on another website with a friend and so it’s getting all my webtime. The site isn’t up yet because I don’t have the content loaded yet, but I promise when it’s working I’ll let you know. It is guaranteed to provide you with minutes of entertainment.

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At the park this morning dad and I were passed by a gaggle of Joggin’ Moms. We love it when they pass us because we always get to hear the weirdest piece of a sentence as they go by. Today it was, “…and I’ll NEVER do THAT for two hours AGAIN, I SWEAR.”

There were three of them jogging in a row next to each other. After they got out of ear shot (I hope) dad says, “So are they jogging 3 abreast? Or is it six?”

***

At work yesterday a really cute kid came up to the desk as they were checking out their books and he said, “Tomorrow, when I go to kinvergarden I have six tests!”

“Wow, six tests? That sounds like a lot.”

“Yeah, it is. It is a lot.”

“Did you study?”

“If I win all my tests I get to choose if I want animal crackers, candy corn, or both!”

“Whoa, that’s awesome! I hope you win all your tests.”

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“I haven’t seen any snakes this week.”

“The weather is changing. It’s getting colder at night.”

“Yeah. Snake season is over I guess.”

“Bummer. What will you look for now?”

“Oh, it’s all right. The woodpeckers are already coming back.”

“…”

“That’s not the dorkiest thing I’ve ever said is it?”

“It’s right up there.”

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Tags: nature

Let me tell you about this snake. This jerk was the first snake, all summer long, that did not back down and slither/swim off. This punk was swimming down the creek toward us, stopped long enough for me to take some pictures, sniffed the air with it’s tongue, and them came right toward us. That sitch was unnerving, and it also pissed me off. It never coiled up to strike, and it didn’t open up it’s mouth. In fact, it continued on it’s way right by us and into a drain tunnel.

“What was our gameplan if that thing had come up on the bank?”

“I got my walking cane.”

“So you could’ve hobbled away from it to death?”

“Shut up.”

“There’s two of us, we’re bigger than it is, plus we have a really big dog, and it STILL came at us like we were nothing.”

“That was a pretty badass snake.”

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Tags: nature, popsicle, snakes

The fancy name for the color is chai bronze. Whatevs. It has cold air and drink holders!

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What Had-Happened.

Category: dribblings

So I’ve needed a new car for the last 5 or 6 years, I guess. I mean, the Jeep has been my ride since I learned to drive. She’s 21 years old. I had to buy a new battery for her last week and the tranny is still wonky, slipping out of gear when I press the brakes a bit hard. If you were to borrow my Jeep I’d have to take 20 minutes to explain to you how to drive it and what not to do. THEN we’d drive it around the block so I could make sure you understand how SERIOUS I am when I tell you that you CANNOT BRAKE HARD. DON’T DO IT. Then you’d freak out because you didn’t even hit the brakes that hard and it STILL slipped out of gear and OH MY GOD JAIMIE HOW HAVE YOU BEEN DRIVING THIS DEATHTRAP FOR THIS LONG?

Okay, first of all, don’t be such a drama queen. It’s not that bad.

YES, IT IS.

So I’ve been preparing myself for buying a new car. I’ve prayed about it, even. I’ve looked at dozens of websites and interest calculators and SUVs and crossovers, and I’ve had many a moments of panic sitting in my computer chair. I took a second job. I saved and researched for 2 months. For some reason I had “August” in my mind for when I’d get my new car. It didn’t seem like enough time. I was all, “Lord, I’m hearing August, but maybe September or October would be good too, right?”

August.

My second job is 20 miles away, so on those days I have to borrow my dad’s truck. It’s a pain in the ass for him. He’s basically stuck at home, unless he wants to drive my deathtrap jeep. Both of my parents have been really great about letting me borrow their cars when I need to go somewhere farther away than the grocery store.

As August approached I was sort of feeling like maybe September would be better. So I had stopped talking to God about the car business. In June and July Mr. Fleegan and I had stopped at a couple of dealerships afterhours so we could look at some cars without having any douche nozzles pester us.

Of course I wanted a Jeep. But I knew it was a bad idea to get one. I’d been researching and the research said that if you buy a new/newer Jeep all the stupid shit breaks on it, the power windows and seats break a lot. So I stopped looking at Jeeps.

I wanted to keep my money in Rainbow City, cos that’s where I live and work, and I know that sounds corny, especially when you can go to Boaz or Anniston and supposedly get great deals at all those car dealerships. Rainbow City has 2 dealerships, maybe 3, I’m not sure where the Kia store hits in the city limits. So I knew I was limiting myself, but it felt important that I stay in the RBC. So I checked out the Hyundai place online. One of my coworkers drives a Hyundai Tucson, and I really liked it. It was a smallish SUV like my ancient Jeep.

At this point, Mr. Fleegan was starting to insist on a new car and not a used one like I was wanting. I wanted something that seemed affordable. He wanted something that had a warranty. I figured we could compromise and maybe get a 2011, because that’s like new. I mean, when you’ve been driving a 1991 Cherokee, a 2001 Anything feels like a new car.

Then I stopped talking about the car sitch. I was sick of it. Mr. Fleegan would bring it up from time to time and I’d be all, “Yeah.” and then he mentioned that lots of times December is a good month for buying a car cos the dealerships are trying to sell as much as possible. I was all, “Yeah!” cos then I could put off thinking about all of this for months! Sweet!

On Friday he called on his way home from work saying, “Let’s go test drive a Tucson.”

“Oh God, no. No no no no no.”

“Why not?”

“Cos we’ll buy it.”

“We don’t have to buy anything.”

“But we will. Oh no.”

“What is the big deal here? What are you so afraid of?”

“Talking to some asshole. And also having to drive a car with some stranger, who is probably an asshole.”

“That’s your fear? The test drive?”

“YES. OH MY GOD THE TEST DRIVE. YOU DO IT.”

“No, it’s your car; you need to drive it.”

“But not with some asshole in the car!”

“We’re doing this.”

“I thought we talked about December.”

“Be ready in an hour.”

Fuck.

Leave it to Jimmy to rip me from my very static, warm, kinda soft comfort zone.

Super duper long story short: 4 hours later we had bought a Tucson. The test drive was fine. The car salesman was an asshole. None of it killed me.

Honorable mentions:

We bought the car on Friday, it was August 31st.

15 minutes after I signed the papers and CAREFULLY drove it home I received a text message from a friend asking if I could play bass at the Albertville Vineyard church on Sunday. Normally, I’d have to turn that gig down because I didn’t have a car that I’d trust to not only cross county lines, but also drive up a mountain (well, “mountain.”)

God is good. All the time.

I am so relieved that this is over.

In other car news that you care NOTHING about:

I still have the Heep. It’s is still our Snork-hunting, drive-to-the-park car. There’s no way I’m letting Roxie’s dirty paws in the back seat of the Tucson!

I’ll post a picture of the new car when it stops raining.

 

 

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Tags: church, jeep, mr. fleegan, parents

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