july is my “khaaaaaaan!”

this just in from the Redundancy Department: i hate birds.

latest julyness:

there is a family of wrens living in my garage. and when i say family i don’t mean a mom, dad, and nestful of mangy birdlets. nay, i’m talking extended director’s cut here: cousins, aunts, gay uncles, slutty step-moms who are divorced from the dads but somehow keep getting invited back to reunions, half-witted 3rd cousins no one likes because they used to pee the bed. you get the idea.

this morning i was able to count 5 full-grown wrens (and those were just the ones in front of me, i have no idea how many were behind me because i was too focused on trying to get them OFF MY BIKE.

these birds are very tiny. it would seem cruel of me to hate them like i do, but there’s nothing for it. they scream and make a racket all day long, and i’m talking they start at 0-dark thirty in the morning, then they proceed to shit on ALL my stuff in the garage. i’ve thrown out two nests and they STILL come back. i think they actually came back with MORE friends. like they were all, “hey man, the bitch threw out our old house. can you and bob come by this weekend to help me build another one? i’ll spring for pizza and beer.”
“yeah, we’ll borrow mike’s truck.”
“sweet.”

there is a gap at the bottom of the garage door, and that’s how they keep getting in, so don’t go thinking we’re rednecks who keep our garage door open all the time, it’s not like that. it’s always closed unless we’re mowing the lawn or working on the jeep.

but now i’ve become a wrensong connoiseur. there are three (approx.) songs/evil noises that come out of the beak of a shiteing wren. the first is a twerpy song. it’s a whistley tune that could probably be translated into english like this: “yay! i’m a wren! a wrenny wren! la la la! hey-ho la dee da! i’m a wren!”
it’s very sing-song.

the second one isn’t so much a song, it’s more of a complaint. like when i get too close to their nest(s). it’s extra loud, but also one note, it goes like this: “YOU! YOU! YOU! YOU! YOU! YOU!”

the third is one that i did not know existed until i put one of the cats in the garage to see if she would piss off the wrens. well, it worked. and they are beside themselves with this arrogant, birdly anger that we have no human equivilent word for. and this sound is loud with an extra loud helping of LOUD. and it sounds a lot like the noise cicadas make, only louder. and it doesn’t help that it’s bouncing off the four walls of my garage.

but what these bitches don’t know, is that i have tomorrow off.
DOOMSDAY is ON.

pictures of these mangy, evil, nasty, wicked, winged beasties coming soon.

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Tags: birds, july hates me

24. The Pig Did It by Joseph Caldwell

Category: 50 Books

24. The Pig Did It by Joseph Caldwell

This is book one in a trilogy. It was a whodunit mystery in an Agatha Christie cozy mystery vein. And it was a bit twee, but I thought it was hilarious.

It’s about a guy named Aaron McCloud, who is a professor in New York, and he goes back to Ireland to feel sorry for himself because the lady he fell in love with did not feel the same. Aaron is a douchebag, and usually if I don’t like the main character I find it hard to like the book. But it’s sort of like the author doesn’t like Aaron too. So it just makes the book that much funnier.

The book has loadsof well-written and dry-witted sentences. Which is probably why I liked it so much. It was a very short book and the ending was a bit rushed, I think. It’s weird, I didn’t like the ending and I didn’t like the main character, but it was still an enjoyable read.

My favorite character was Aaron’s aunt Kitty. She was a writer, like Aaron, however her novels are actually classic pieces of literature that she’s made “corrections” to. It was hilarious how she “fixed” Jane Eyre.

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Tags: fiction

jeepnanigans part the forty leven.

Category: dribblings

so. it took three days and three people to work on the jeep. but now the ol’ girl has new hoses, a new water pump, new serpentine belt, and a new thermostat. oh, and an air filter too. BOOSH. no leaks!

my father-in-law did most of the work.

mr. fleegan helped.

i started the whole thing but was not strong enough to do some things like, loosen some bolts which, apparently, Vulcan, God of The Forge, had installed. i have a Haynes auto repair manuel for the jeep, and it is a handy thing to own, especially if you’re like me and think, “hey, lots of people work on their cars. it can’t be too hard.” and really, it’s not. as long as you remember how to put it all back together.

and bonus? we had no leftover screws/bolts/washers/etc.

there is something amazingly satisfying about fixing something. and also it’s cheaper.

oh! but the best part was when i found a dirt dauber’s nest (some folks call it a mud dauber) on part of the motor. John, i thought of you and your theory of the wasps hatching out of the engine and causing all the leaks in the first place.

i’m sure my father-in-law thought i was crazy when i said, “wait! i have to get a picture of this!” but come on, it was perfect. of COURSE there’s a wasp nest in my jeep. those triflin’ bugs, hitchin’ free rides from me.

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Tags: jeep, july hates me

ain’t july a mother father?

Category: dribblings

this post is rated ‘R’ for hilarious use of curse words.

this picture was taken with my back turned. i leaned back while i was sitting on the deck, camera behind my shoulder, pointed in the vacinity of KD and snapped the picture. how funny is that?

so my jeep is bleeding antifreeze. every day i have to hose down the driveway so the cats don’t drink it up. and don’t think i haven’t been tempted.

i found where the leak is. there’s two leaks. yes, two separate fucking leaks. of course. one leak, the radiator hose, has gotten much worse since last week. now, when i add the coolant? it just runs right out. looks like the jeep is peeing because it’s a yellow/green color. ain’t that a bitch?

i think that’s the radiator hose? this is taken from underneath the jeep.

so yeah, two leaks. one that streams out of the hose (and i don’t know if you’ve ever seen a cow take a piss? but it’s not unlike that.) and the other that drips like my bathroom fucking faucet.

the good news: i called Chris and got a recipe for a kick ass white russian:
2 parts vodka, 1 part kahlua, 2 parts irish cream.

the bas news: drinking these white russians doesn’t seem to be fixing these leaks.

Dear Liquor,

Get up off that lazy ass and start doing something around here.

No Love,

Jaimie

and speaking of delicious liquor, wouldn’t it be awesome if the liquor store HAD COUPONS? i mean, can a fleegan get a BOGO for some whiskey over here?
MOFO BOGO for the HOHO.

what was i talking about?

oh! yeah!

and then THIS happened. i get in the leaky-ass jeep to go to work and this is right in my sight.

yeah, it’s a wasp. and it has decapitated a caterpillar and is EATING IT ALL OVER MY WINDSHIELD. THE WINDSHEILD I HAD REPLACED LAST JULY. FUCK A BUNCH OF JULY.

this is a bad omen, am i right? i mean, it’s bad luck to see something like this, let alone when it’s on your windshield right where your face is. in some native american cultures? seeing something like this first thing in the morning is grounds for like, i don’t know, smoking indian drugs or something.

i thought wasps ate leaves or flowers or some shit. i didn’t realize they were MURDERERS.

so to reiterate:
two leaks
white russians
liquor store BOGO MOJO
death wasp
fuck a bunch of july

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Tags: jeep, july hates me

leetle bro

Category: Uncategorized

justin’s surgery went well. he had 6 fistulae in his intestines and the doc cut them all open to make one big wound, then he intsalled a woundvac inside him. he will have to stay in the hospital for a day or two for the pain. please keep praying for him. he’ll have to wear the woundvac for a couple of months.

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Tags: leetle brahther

i’m doug, and i’m out of heeeeeere…

Category: dribblings

hey Cookie, The State comes out on DVD July 14. it’s all the episodes plus some bonus!

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Tags: TV

leetle brahther

Category: Uncategorized

Justin is having another surgery tomorrow (Wed. July 8th) please keep him in your prayers. they are going to install a woundvac. it sounds helpful yet painful. please pray for healing.

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Tags: leetle brahther

23. Love Child by Allegra Huston

Category: 50 Books

23. Love Child by Allegra Huston

I so wanted to love this book. I wanted to love it because:

1. It was written by one of the daughters of film director John Huston.

2. She’s Anjelica Huston’s little sister.

3. The jacket flap made it sound like she’d be the normal one, compared to the rest of her family.

4. I thought it would be dignified and dishy at the same time. It was neither. It was boring.

Look, I’m not saying it’s bad, okay? A person’s story is their story, right? And sure, parts of everyone’s story are going to be sad, inconvenient, weird, boring etc. to everyone except that person and their friends and family. My story would be like that. Perhaps your story would too. And that’s why you or I would not bother with publishing our stories.

Ms. Huston probably has a really interesting story, but you’d not really know it because she presents herself as one of the dullest, uninteresting beings I’ve ever read about. And what’s worse? Her dull and uninteresting self is constantly comparing herself to all of the more famous, artistic, people in her family as well as the maids/nannies/secretaries/houseservants/whathaveyou and she comes off as a judgemental dweeb.

And it’s like this for the whole book.

She spends most of the book talking about her childhood (and it’s the same redundant thing over and over, and while I get that that’s how it went down, that still doesn’t make it interesting to read.), breezes through the teen years, barely glances at her twenties, and then it’s all, “oh, by the way I have a family of my own now. Would you like to meet them? Too bad, the book’s over.”

It’s a sad story, her mom dies when she’s 4, she has to go live with her father, John Huston, who, when it comes to his family, is basically an asshole. She doesn’t grow up in an abusive place or anything, but there’s not a lot of emotion going on in this family. She gets moved around a lot. Her dad is always across the world shooting movies, her brother and sister are much older and have their own lives/careers. There’s a new step-mom every couple of years. Then she finds out Huston is her adopted dad and that her real dad is this guy in England and blah, blah, blah. All very dramatic, right?

Well, not the way she writes it. It’s very detached. And maybe that’s what she was going for? But it’s just this constant remoteness that begs the question, why even write it at all?

I kept thinking that eventually, towards the end, there would be this breakthrough where she would come into her own, find herself, get a hobby she enjoyed, SOMETHING. But there was nothing. It’s just one flatline after another.

And what’s sad is that I’m sure she’s a great writer. In fact, the last three or four pages, where she actually talks about her own family (husband and son), were written with a warmth and love that you could feel. She’s proud of her family. It’s great. It’s just a shame it’s only four or five pages.

Plus the ending felt rushed and vague. Like she wants you to know that she has a loving family now, she’s a mom, her husband is great etc. but she doesn’t really want to talk about them, you know? Like she wants to keep their life together private. Which, again, is fine, but still begs the question, why write/publish it in the first place?

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Tags: biography

july jeepnanigans

Category: dribblings

a couple of days ago we put some new antifreeze in the jeep. today, as i went to take the trash out i walked right by the front of the jeep. what did i see? a huge puddle of green antifreeze.

so. now we know what’s leaking. what we don’t know (yet) is where the leak is located. i’m sure we will soon.