on sunday afternoon my pal West called and asked if i would write him a letter of recommendation for this cultural exchange program through his college. he said he already had a letter written by one of his art professors, and he needed a letter from someone who wasn’t from the college. i was actually honored that he thought of me.

i thought it was going to be difficult to write that letter, but it really wasn’t. and since he already had a letter from a teacher i decided to write the letter in less of a student/teacher format and more from a peer/collaborator format. which i don’t feel is that far off the mark. cos while we’d call it art lessons, i don’t feel like i was really teaching anything like techniques as much as i just provided West and Sara a forum where they could create what they wanted and if they had any questions i’d try my best to help them. and feed them. my god, can he eat.

like i said, the letter was easier to write than i thought it would be. when i started it i was thinking about how i could make West sound good, and it just poured out because West really is an exceptional young man. and i’ll admit it, i actually teared up a bit because wasn’t it just last week he was Liz’z annoying little brother?

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Tags: west

happy anniversary, mr. fleegan.

i love your face off, starring nicholas cage and john travolta.

4 Comments | Permalink

Tags: mr. fleegan

this week wouldn’t be complete without some ‘brary stories, would it? here’s some kids that i dealt with this week.
first is about a little girl who was probably five years old. she was really cute and since our counter at the circ. desk is kinda high you couldn’t see her when she’d walk up to the desk. she had been bringing me videos one at a time much to her ma’s chagrin. her ma was trying to get her to pick out three videos to take up to the desk, but apparently she’d find one and get so excited that she’d have to bring it to the desk right then. so cute!

so then she came up to the desk and i didn’t see her right away. she said, “excuse me, ma’am?” aw. so polite and sweet. i said, “hey kiddo, whatcha need?”

“is your for real hair the brown hair, or is your for real hair the purple hair?”

aw, melted my cold, steel, mechanical heart right down to the flux.

****

the other story is also about a little girl but she was probably eight or nine years old. she was sweet too, and also had one of the southernmost accents i’ve ever heard on a child before. she handed my co-worker her card, and co-worker scanned it. the name popped up but it was one of those names that could be for a boy or a girl so co-worker asked her, “are you Randy?”

“yes ma’am, ah was named for mah uncle.”

i say, “hey that’s cool.”

she says, “he’s day-id.”

jan and i are both, “oh, that’s too bad.”

she says, “that’s okay he died a long time ago. ah didn’t know him.”

“well okay, here’s your books, sweetie.”

“that’s mah diddy’s diddy.”

and we’re all, wha? but don’t say anything because who knows, right? this is the south. i’ve heard of uncle daddy’s before. heh. gross. i don’t actually believe her uncle was her granddad. she was probably just talking about all her dead relatives and you know how kids just jump around from thought to thought.

“now, mah diddy’s diddy, he up and died on Independence Day. so now mah diddy he don’t look forward to Independence Day so much ennymore.” then she dropped her card and the floor and bent down to pick it up. immediately jan and i turn to each other. she mouths, “up and died?!” and i’m all, “this is GOLD!”

the kid pops back up, and we snap our necks back in place and she’s all, “well bye now!” and she left.

we were disappointed to see her go.

****

the last one is about a boy. he was probably 10 or 11. he was dressed kinda like a skater punk. he was with his mom and was checking out a book on guitars.

“do you play?” i asked.

“yeah, i can play… well, i play parts of songs. do you know “Sweet Child of Mine?””

“yes.”

“well, i can play part of that song. can you play?”

“cool. i play bass mostly.”

“i don’t like bass. it’s too low and kinda boring.”

“hey! i’ll admit it’s no fun to play bass by yourself. it’s only fun when you’ve got the rest of the band playing with you. or at least some drums.”

“yeah! that’s what i mean.”

“do you play Guitar Hero?”

“yeah!”

his mom was all, “oh lord, don’t get him started.”

“i can turn my back on the screen when i play!”

“no kidding? i finally beat the second one on hard last month.”

the mom gives me a look of betrayal, like i’ve just lost all of my Adult Points.

“well, i play mine on expert.”

“i’ve beaten some of it on expert but not the whole thing. yet.”

“i can, and i can turn around like this when i play too.” and he plays air guitar and spins and it’s really cute that he’s all about his GH skillz. and his mom is standing there waiting for a hole in the ground to open up and take her away from this.

“that’s awesome!” i say.

“your hair is so cool,” he says.

“thank you.”

and then they left. but i think i’ve made a new pal. or at least it’s anotehr kid who will actually look me in the eye when i talk to him.

i had another kid, a college kid, come in and she was all, “can you help me find a book for my class?”

“sure, what do you need?”

“well the professor said i could read The Other Boleyn Girl if i couldn’t find anything else.”

“let’s see. that one is checked out. sorry. is there anything else?”

“i don’t know. it’s for Western Civ.”

“well what’s the assignment?”

“a book report.”

you gotta be kidding me. “so what kind of book do you need?”

“i don’t know.”

“you have to give me more than that.”

“something historical i guess.”

nice. “well what about a biography on a historical figure? we’ve some of those.”

“oh! okay! you got Fredrick The Great? i want to read about him.”

sigh. “i’m sorry, we don’t have any books on Fredrick the Great.”

“dang, we just learned about him today.”

“what about Elizabeth I?”

“nah, she boring.”

“what? how can you say that?”

it was here that she started texting a friend. and continued to text the rest of the time she kept turning down my great ideas. it was all, “dat’s borin’.” text text text, barely look at the next book i would find, “dat’s too old.” text text text barely look at the next book, “i don’t like dat.” text text text.

then something caught her eye and she wanted to read about it, and i SO wish i could remember what it was! i said, “didn’t you say this was for a Western Civ. class?”

“yeah?”

“well that’s about American history. you need someone from Europe.”

“oh okay. how about something from the 1700s?” tex text text.

i finally lost it and said, “here. this one is about Napoleon. take it or leave it. you see this section here?”

“yeah?”

“that’s the European history section. pick out something before WWI and you should be fine.”

“oh okay. oh hey wait.” text text text.

“what?”

“i ain’t got no liberry card.” text text text.

and instead of losing my mind and/or shouting obscenities, i did something terrible. i told her to ask one of the ladies at the circ. desk and then i went and took my 15 minute break.

2 Comments | Permalink

Tags: library

i had a moment of panic and heartbreak on tuesday when i read a tiny blurb on msn.com that said MLB was going to start using instant replay.

i know.

i know. believe me. i was at the bar that night talking to my pals all, “didja here? can you believe they’re using instant replay in baseball now?” and most everyone just blinked at me and said, “um, you mean they don’t already?” which kind of killed my soul a little.

but then eric showed up and i asked him if he had heard anything about it. he had not, but thank god he had the proper response about the whole thing, ie. shock and disbelief. because hello? the ump is god in baseball, okay? if we make the ump fallible then… then baseball becomes… a lie. i mean, i hold these truths to be self-evident,

1. there’s no crying in baseball.

2. pete rose should be in the HOF.

3. it sucks that corporations are building new stadiums and naming them after themselves so instead of the Giants playing at Candlestick Park, they play at AT&T Park. or the Pirates old stomping ground, Three Rivers Stadium, only now they’re at PNC Park. lame.

4. the umpire is the lord of the sith of baseball, and if you don’t like it tough.

yesterday i checked mlb.com and read that the instant replay is limited. and it can only be used to check homerun/double shenanigans. so basically my panic of “oh no! now everyone will be challenging every call!” and “will this make the umps lazy?” has subsided, and i think this will be a good thing.

and i’ve read where people were concerned that this could slow down a game, but really, i don’t see that. first of all, it’s not really a quick game anyway. second, they can have the play queued up during a commercial break, so there you go.

6 Comments | Permalink

Tags: baseball

remember on the Muppet Show when Beaker meemee-ed out “Feelings”? a classic, yes. well someone has combined that with Metallica’s “Master of Puppets” to make a video Master of Muppets. then, some other person with bonus time on their hands made a video of Metallica’s “Whiplash” using legos. i know right?
“…these are a few of my favorite things…”

2 Comments | Permalink

Tags: metallica

so mr. fleegan is doing this whole digital TV swap box homemade DVR thing. i don’t know anything about it, you’ll have to ask him. and when he talks to me about it i’m all, “yeah, yeah, yeah can you stop fucking around with the TV? Family Guy is on.”

so this evening he’s all, “hey jaimie, blah blah blah wasn’t that HD awesome?”

and i’m over here typing a righteous anger-filled review of New Moon and answer, “what? yeah. wait, what?”

and he’s all, “HD blah blah blah the clarity blah awesome HD blah.”

and i say, “jimmy, i’m a girl. girls don’t care about HD television.”

“yes they do! just because you-”

“jimmy, you show me a girl who cares about HDTV, and i’ll show you a lesbian.”

“what?!”

“it’s true.”

“no way.”

“let’s go ask fellykish. she’ll say the same thing.”

so we walk down the hall to fellykish’s room and jimmy tries to trap her all, “hey kelly, if you had a choice to watch the Lord of the Rings on an HDTV or a regular one, what would be your choice?”

she’s all, “what? i’ve seen it both ways. there’s not a big difference.”

“but which way would you prefer to watch it?”

“who cares?”

i’m all, “see?”

she’s all, “what’s going on?”

“i told him girls don’t care about HDTV bullshit.”

“that’s true.”

“see?”

“yeah but-”

“but nothing, furthermore, i told him ‘you show me a girl who cares about HDTV, and i’ll show you a lesbian.” 

“ha! good point.”

“thank you.”

“how can you say that?”

“okay, 90% of girls who are into HD…”

“yeah, and that’s not counting girls who are stuck selling televisions at stores.”

“totally not counting those. and part of that 10% goes to girls whose boyfriends couldn’t stand their shitty TVs so they harped on them till they bought whatever bullshit to shut the boyfriend up.”

“yeah.”

“i just don’t-”

“name a single one of our single girl friends who has an amazing TV setup HD big screen dolby blah blah. or one who even TALKS about TVs.”

“…”

“see? it’s a total guy thing.”

“it is.”

“hmph.”

7 Comments | Permalink

Tags: fellykish, mr. fleegan, TV

41. New Moon by Stephanie Meyer

I can’t believe I read the whooooole thing. I’m not really going to go into the plot because I don’t want to get involved in any spoiler issues.

It would be easy to tear this book apart and talk about how teenie-bopper, melodramatic, redundant, trite, insulting to the intelligence, as well as insulting to female teenagers across the planet, and… gosh, where was I going with this? I wanted to say something positive.

I want to say something like, even though Bella is one of the most annoying literary characters I’ve ever encountered, and I’m talking more annoying than Ignatius J. Reilly, Kay Scarpetta and her inflated ego, and Ashley Wilkes combined, that the story was still enjoyable and the other characters are still likeable.
BUT I CAN’T. BECAUSE IT’S NOT. AND THEY AREN’T.

And to make matters worse? This book is probably 150-200 pages too long. It was a whopper and it dragged on and on. The author writes well enough that she could have written a much shorter book that told the same story and nothing would have been compromised. There, that’s nearly a compliment, isn’t it?

I don’t understand why these books are so popular, especially among young women. Bella is one of the most repulsive, goopy, immature, whiny- my god her whining, selfish, one-track-mind, pathetic, d-bag, contemptible, broken record, irritating females ever written. Even Anne (she of the Green Gables) isn’t as annoying as Bella, and make no mistake, Anne was a pain in the ass who would NOT S.T.F.U. (or that’s how I remember her. in the books, not the miniseries as much.)

It’s just not right, Bella is really responsible for a teen, right? Makes good grades, takes care of her dad, makes dinner every night, cleans house, drives sensibly, and yet, when it comes to Edward/Jacob she becomes a complete twit. And yes, I can see how that could be very much like a teenager. But she’s a twit for 98% of the book. So it feels like the author is betraying every teenage girl who has/will read her book.

I can see how the teens and ‘tweens could be all, “oh Edward is soooo dreamy.” and, “oh Jacob is soooo dreamy.” but that holds their attention for over 550 pages? I don’t buy that. So just what makes this series so popular?

This gets 400 Cansecos. Unless someone can convince me otherwise.

3 Comments | Permalink

Tags: books, Stephenie Meyer

a while back when mom and dad were out of town for leetle brahther’s surgery (he’s doing great by the way. he’s back at work and everything.) i watched their house and pet menagerie. mom was all, “i’ll buy you a present for feeding the cat and dogs.” and i was all, “mom, it’s really no problem to feed those guys. don’t worry about it.”

but still, she bought me a present.

when she got home she was all, “here! open your present!”
and i was all, “mom, you didn’t-”
“you’re going to hate it!”
“hate it? i’m sure i’ll lo- oh. it’s a bird feeder.”
“hahahahaha!”
“*sigh* thanks mom.”
“hee, i know how you love birds.”
“uh huh.”
“heehehehehe.”
“oh here mom, i bought this bird feeder for you!”

no dice. she wouldn’t take it back.

it’s a hummingbird feeder that looks like a red bottle of wine, and you put this red juice in it and then hummingbirds come out of nowhere to drink the juice. and i’ll admit, it’s probably the least messiest way to feed birds, and it doesn’t attract squirrels like seed feeders do. also, hummingbirds are mostly quiet. you really only hear them zooming around. they may have a call of some kind but i’ve never noticed it.

so if you’re like me and you hate birds, just know that hummingbirds aren’t quite as bad as regular, gross, evil birds. however they do fight each other. they get pissed when another one flies up while they’re feasting on red sugar water even thought there’s three fake flowers for them to choose from. hummingbirds, like most nature, doesn’t understand the concepts of sharing and cooperation. i believe this is because they didn’t grow up watching Sesame Street.

i didn’t realize that
A. there were that many hummingbirds around and
B. that they come to the feeder all day long.

if i had known that i probably would not have hung the feeder so close to the front door. because now every time i leave the house (before 8pm) i forget about the feeder and something zooms past my head all pissy and i scream, “IEEEE! a bee! a bee!” and flail around. when in fact it is not a bee and is instead an effin’ bird.

6 Comments | Permalink

Tags: birds, mom, sesame street

i forgot to mention this last month, but i finally, FINALLY beat Guitar Hero II on level hard; “Freebird” and everything. it only took a year! think of all the books i could’ve read or people i could have helped. i’m seriously doubting that i’ll beat GHIII on hard because i can’t get past “One” and everytime i try i just end up hurting my shoulder from keeping it so tense for so long… damn painting injury messin’ with my game.

and while i’m on the subject, the Aerosmith version turned out to be mostly lame. there’s maybe five songs on there that i enjoy playing let alone listening to. i mean, i thought i was an Aerosmith fan until i played that game and didn’t know half of the songs on the damn thing. boo.

3 Comments | Permalink

Tags: guitar hero

40. Can You Ever Forgive Me?: Memoirs of a Literary Forger  by Lee Israel

This is a short (really short) autobiographical work by Lee Israel telling about the time period where she was in such dire straits that she resorted to forging letters of literary greats like Dorothy Parker, Lillian Hellman, and Noël Coward. Apparently she was pretty good at it.

She’s a good storyteller and a talented writer so it seemed weird that she’d have to result to theft and forgery to make money. She does admit that pride did keep her from taking “real” jobs.

While this book was entertaining and well-written, I can’t help but come away with a bad taste in my mouth about the whole thing. I mean, she admits to all of this crime after she got caught by the F.B.I., she didn’t have to serve any jail time (only 6 months house arrest and 5 years probabtion), and to top it all off, she doesn’t seem to be that sorry about it. She mostly seems sorry that she got caught and that she’s now banned from the libraries she stole from.

So on the one hand it’s a really interesting and entertaining book, on the other hand, I don’t think she’s really asking for forgiveness as much as she’s trying to make more money.

3 Comments | Permalink

Tags: books, Lee Israel, nonfiction

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