2.28.08

Category: dribblings

i’ve mentioned my conversation partner before, her name is Alice and she is from Russia. most of the time we can talk and never really run into a problem where we can’t understand each other. she speaks english very well and she’s pretty good at figuring out slang. she’s really smart and probably the sweetest person on the planet. i tell you all that to say this: she was talking to some guy, an american, and he told her that he knew all about russian people because he saw a movie about russians. she says to me she says, “have you seen this movie about russian people?”

“i don’t know. i can’t think of any movie about russian people specifically. do you know the name of the movie?”

“yes, he says it is called Boris and Natasha.”

“what?! he told you that? about that movie? i don’t think he was being serious.”

“i got the feeling he was making fun of me.”

“he was probably joking around, but it’s kinda rude what he was implying.”

“so it’s not a movie about russian people?”

“er, no. it’s a silly movie.”

“about russians?”

“well, no…it’s, the main characters are from russia. and-“

“so you have seen this movie?”

“no, i never watched the movie. i did watch- okay, see the characters? from russia? see they were based on cartoon characters.”

“what cartoon?”

“oh hell.”

“what?”

“it’s just, this isn’t going to be pretty.”

“but you will tell me?”

“sure. okay, on this cartoon, called Rocky and Bullwinkle, there were these russian characters, Boris and Natasha.”

“those are very common russian names.”

“yes, i know. it’s part of the… humor. okay, now you HAVE to understand these are very old cartoons. they were popular during the Cold War. understand?”

she gives me a blank look like she’s never even heard of this before.

i say, “at that time school kids, like my mom and dad, were taught that russia was going to blow them up and they would practice hiding from bombs at school.”

she now has a shocked look on her face. i know. it is shocking.

“now come on, you have to have been taught something about this in school.”

she tells me about her grandmother talking about shen she was young and that everything revolved around russia and that your country meant everything to you. but then they learned after Germany… that things changed. i don’t exactly know what she’s talking about.

“okay, so do we really have to talk about this cartoon?”

“yes, i want to know about this.”

“well, these two characters were the… villians. on the show.”

*gasp*

“boris was this short guy and natasha was very tall and skinny. and they would try to steal things? rob banks maybe? i don’t remember anything specific.”

“they were bad? always?”

“yeah but, it gets worse.”

a pained look on her face, “how?”

“well, they always screwed up and got caught by Rocky and Bullwinkle and usually i think, boris would accidentally blow himself up. with one of those cartoony bombs. [you should’ve seen my charade of the cartoon bomb.] and see, Rocky and Bullwinkle? the good guys? one was a squirrel and one was a moose, and the moose, Bullwinkle, was a total idiot. so the fact that the russian spies would get caught by an idiot moose…”

“this is so terrible.”

“ees always moose and squirrel.”

“what?”

“nothing. it’s a very OLD cartoon.”

“did you watch this cartoon?”

“heh yeah. when i was a kid they would show it on saturday mornings. it was kind of clever cos a lot of the jokes were for adults but it was entertaining for kids because y’know… cartoon. but yeah, i always liked it cos it had a lot of puns in it. for instance, boris’s last name was-“

“what? what was his last name?”

“oh, hell.”

“what?”

“his name was Boris Badenov. see? how his last name sounds like ‘bad enough’?”

“i want to see this.”

“didn’t you guys have cartoons that made fun of the U.S.?”

“no.”

“oh come on. there had to be something.”

“i can’t think of any such cartoon.”

“no satire on america? parody?”

“we have Tom and Jerry.”

“that’s… not what i meant.”

“i want to see this movie.”

“i’m telling you, it’s a stupid movie. it’s goofy.”

recognition, “Goofy? it has Goofy?”

“no, not Goofy. by goofy i mean ridiculous.”

“we will watch this movie.”

“okay, if i can even find this movie, i’ll get it and we’ll watch it. but i’m telling you, it’s stupid.”

i never thought i’d have to have THAT conversation. she looked miserable. i kept explaining to her that it was old and of a different generation. she seemed to get that. i pointed out that our generation has a more global view on things. and she agreed. still, you could see on her face as i told her about boris and natasha that she was really hurt and even shocked. i felt like a total evil bitch having to explain all that.

“they were russian spies, but portrayed as idiots.”

“gasp. but why?”

“because back then, americans were scared of russians and so they made them out to be fools so they could laugh at them. to release the tension. i guess.”

“this is most terrible.”

“it was a social commentary of the times. it’s not like people think the same today.”

“but you have seen this.”

“yeah, everybody has seen it. it’s Rocky and Bullwinkle. it wasn’t as popular as Bugs Bunny or Mickey Mouse cartoons. but yeah, if you’re my age and older, you’ve seen Rocky and Bullwinkle.”

“i will see this.”

“are you sure?”

“yes. i will see it.”

“all right.”

i talked to my little bro last night and told him about the conversation. he was all, “did you tell her about the old ninetendo game, Rush’n Attack?”

“what? no!”

“heh.”

“that game sucked. if the russians so much as touched you you were dead.”

“yeah. wait, you mean, that’s not how it really works?”

“i dunno, maybe. i guess cold war is hell.”

“ees moose and squirrel!”

“ees always moose and squirrel.”

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2.26.08

Category: dribblings

library news: oh! the new bookpage is here! the new bookpage is here!
pick up your copy of March’s bookpage at the ‘brary today! you book nerds.

joshilyn jackson has a new one coming out. as soon as we get it i’ll let you know, kelly and laura. hee.

library story:
(i hope i haven’t already told this one.) my pal, jan, and i are working the circ. desk. this patron comes up and asks how many books you can check out per card. i say, “the limit is ten.”

she says excitedly, “oh! so he can check out as many as he wants!”

i pause and specifically i DO NOT look at jan. for i know if i even barely turn my head in jan’s direction i will lose it, she will lose it, or both of us will lose it.

jan breaks in, “no, not exactly. if he wants ten books or less, then yes, he can check out as many as he wants.”

i don’t even think the lady paid any attention. she went off into the stacks with a happy yet vacant haze about her.

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2.24.08

Category: dribblings

last night we were playing Trivial Pursuit and i kept getting words mixed up. by mixed up i mean i kept using the wrong words. i started out one question, “in what year did the Kentucky Space Center-” and mom immediately is all, “KENTUCKY! SPACE CENTER?! i don’t think so.” and we all laughed and made all kinds of jokes about my new Kentucky Space Center. it, uh, i guess you had to be there.
you also should’ve been there when instead of saying a “summit meeting with khrushchev…” i said “swimsuit meeting”. which is like, TOTALLY different.

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2.23.08

Category: dribblings

so. some of the fleegans and i went to see the Tut @ GMA exhibit. it was, in a word, helmet. i didn’t expect them to have Tut, right? i didn’t expect them to have much, okay? but i was expecting more than that, more then just replicas and toys. lame.

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2.20.08

Category: dribblings

yesterday my internet was down. sorry.

 

Book Title of the Day: (i’ve been forgetting to do these)

Chicks and Salsa

it’s a kid’s book and on the front is a bunch of chickens and one of them is wearing a blanket and sombrero; it was really cute.

******

my Sweet Library Stories didn’t last long. at the ‘brary yesterday my pal jan and i rearranged about four sections of shelves to make the home improvement section easier for the patrons to paw through. i say paw through because that section is always trashed cos the books on landscaping and building and improving are tall and the shelves were short and so the books had to lay on their sides. you couldn’t read the titles on the spines. and people apparently have no patience for that kind of thing. they would kill these books and then not EVEN try to set them back up. animals.
for the past two days we’ve had people come in and actually tear that section apart. i had books being shoved out the other side of the shelves. all of a sudden you’d see books fall off a shelf and it was because the impatient jerkhole on the other side was just shoving books around like some kind of half starved wolverine looking for a morsel of food. after two days in a row of cleaning up other people’s mess, (and i’m talking about adults here. the kid’s section is usually in a constant state of chaos, that’s understandable. what’s not understandable is grown adults acting like spoiled brats.
what actually sent me over the edge yesterday was this husband and wife coming in and destryoing that section. they’re the ones who pushed the landscape books into the books on the other side of the shelf (the game/cards/sport section) making ALL the books fall into the floor and they were all mixed up like a non-fiction soup of doom. okay, so we can’t have books on the floor because books+carpet=slippery as hell. so i go over there WHILE THE BOZOS ARE STILL SEARCHING FOR TREASURE AMONGST THE LANDSCAPE BOOKS. they’re on the other side of the stack right? but i can totally see them because like i say, they’ve made a huge hole…there’s no books on the shelf. and they are laughing. i say to them, “hey, can you guys take it easy over there?” and they keep laughing, but they don’t acknowledge me at all. and they continue to tear it up. then they pick out whatever home improvement for ‘tards book they deem worthy and laugh their way to the circulation desk. as they check out they laugh but never do they say they’re sorry for being complete wastes of society or for making a huge mess. these are adults. it kills me how i’m still shocked at the public sometimes.
anyway, the part that made me glad i don’t own a gun because i’d pro’ly use it, was when they were making a mess RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME the female waste of oxygen says to the dickless jubilee about the mess, “it’s okay, we’re just giving them something to do.” then back with the laughing.

needless to say, that flew all over me. i’d love to go to her work and destroy a desk or shit on the floor or spill a 2 liter co-cola (say, have you noticed how i tend to have these scatological revenge senarios? how primative of me.), you know, to give her something to do.

NOW HEAR THIS: let’s say you’re at the library and you, being a normal person and not a wild animal, happen to accidentally kill a shelf of books (they fall over, fall off, slide away, whatev). these things happen. sometimes the book holder on the shelf is wonky, sometimes the holder doesn’t work at all because it’s very old, for whatever reason the shelf you were at is destroyed. this is not a moment of shame. this is an everyday occurrence. the way to handle this situation is to either

A. put the books back. or
B. if you don’t know how the books go back on the shelf (especially if it’s non-fiction and the numbers and letters seem daunting… and they can be.) find a library worker and say something like, “dude, i destroyed a shelf on accident, i’m sorry.” (or if it’s that embarassing to you, and no one saw you destroy it you can always tell the library worker that, “hey i was over there and apparently someone killed a shelf, just thought you should know.”)

but whatever you do, DON’T be a spoiled douchebag and destroy a shelf and be all, “oh i’m just giving them some work to do.” cos guess what? i’m petty and cruel. and i’ll remember you forever, and you’ll never get ANY library mercy. and trust me, you want library mercy. you treat me like a servant who’s only job is to clean up after your lazy ass and i become a brick wall. see, what will happen is, you’ll need me for something. you’ll come in and you won’t be able to find something, you’ll come in with your kid and need help researching a topic, you’ll come in and need help on the computer, you’ll come in and have a fine on your card but no change but you really need to check out this one book and could you pay that fine next time?, you’ll come in and you’ll need me. oh yes, you’ll need me. and i? well, i’ll be too busy for you. which is a shame, cos i could have totally helped you.

i should say though, for every rude slob that comes in there’s 200 awesome patrons who we bend over backwards for. seriously. and i love helping people find books either to read or for research. it’s like finding clues in a mystery or something. (i am nerd) but i don’t like being treated like i’m someone’s personal janitor. and rude people piss me off.

whew, thanks for letting me vent (full moon and all that). sorry it went on forever.

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2.19.08

Category: dribblings

today a patron at the ‘brary told me that i was so sweet and that she likes how i’m always smiling.

really? heh, i’ve got her fooled, huh?

not really. i do smile A LOT at the library. i greet the people all smiling and polite cos that’s the way my mama raised me. i notice though that i smile way too much. not at the ‘brary, but like, at the store and out in public. i’m constantly making eye-contact and nodding and smiling a, “hi, hello.” like i know EVERYONE. when in fact, i don’t. and i’m sure people are all, “do i know her?” “is she one of those really cheerful ‘never met a stranger’ weirdos?” “is she stalking me?”
no, no, and no.

but sometimes i catch myself and i get giggly remembering will ferrel in elf all, “smiling’s my favorite!” plus, i want our ‘brary to be awesome. i don’t want people to think it’s a stuffy ol ‘brary. so i’m all cheery cheerson, until that is, you’re rude to me or one of my co-workers. then not so much with the cheerful help. and if you’re a repeat offender? you don’t even know.

but that lady was so nice and it made my day that she thought i was sweet. see? i get to be around people like her every day. i’m always telling bad stories on here, so i wanted to share an awesome story with you.

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2.17.08

Category: dribblings

i am reading a book and the book mentions a popular song of old called “John Brown’s Body”. it’s some kind of U.S. Civil War song or something. i don’t know much about Am.His., yo. but the whole john brown thing sounded vaguely familiar.

i remember having to sing a song in grade school about john brown but the lyrics were different than the ones in the book. the song i had to learn was about john brown’s baby who had a “cold upon his chest”. and i remember it was to the tune of “The Battle Hymn of the Republic”. and there were hand motions and you would leave out some of the words and do the motions instead. so of course now i’m really curious… are the songs about the same john brown?

i’m not sure. here’s the wiki entry on the john brown song. it looks like the whole thing is kinda iffy. the lyrics for the “kid friendly” version of the song (the one i learned) go a little sumpin’ like this:

John Brown’s baby had a cold upon his chest
John Brown’s baby had a cold upon his chest
John Brown’s baby had a cold upon his chest
And they rubbed it with camphorated oil.

yeah i know. but i always felt bad for the baby cos when we were sick as kids my ma used to rub muster oil on our chests, and if camphorated oil is anything like it, well, poor john brown’s baby is all i’m saying. (that muster oil was some evil shite. and it’s interesting to me that i can’t find a single thing about that stuff on the internet, now i KNOW that my mom wasn’t the only one who used that evil glop as a poultice for coughs, right? seriously, i can’t find it. how is that possible? it was this opaquey-clear goop that came out of a green tube. SOMEBODY PLEASE FIND THIS.)

anyway, this all seems really weird now. i think i’ll ask some of the ladies at work about it tomorrow because two-thirds of the chicas i work with are retired elementary school teachers. maybe they’ll remember the song.

i know we had to learn other songs, not just ones about sick babies. there was “Oh When the Saints Go Marching In”, “My Country ‘Tis of Thee”, the “Grand Ol’ Flag” song, “Dixie” of course, and “Clementine” which, was/is one of the most depressing songs you can teach a kid. i mean, she drowns for crying outs. what’s worse is the part i remember goes: ruby lips above the water/blowing bubbles soft and fine/but, alas, i was no swimmer/so i lost clementine.
i know.

for real though, i could have something useful in my brain, but no, instead i’ve got lyrics to psycho kid songs. what songs do you remember from school? hit the forum!

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2.16.08

Category: dribblings

here it is:
several months ago i’m hangin’ with laura and she’s changing one of ben’s naps and he makes a go for his naughty bits. so she says, “he’s discovered his generals.” and we laughed because generals/genitals… it’s just funny is all. right, so, forget all that because it’s months later and i’ve not thought a bit about ‘generals’.
i’m working at the ‘brary putting away a stack of books, right? and i look at the one i’m shelving and it’s Lincoln and His Generals. i lost it…complete whackadoo gaffawing. but lucky for me (sometimes? sometimes i really do luck out.) no one was around. cos i’d hate to have been caught laughing out loud while holding a book about the civil war.

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2.15.08

Category: dribblings

ohh, i’ve been sitting on some news for 3 weeks now and i can FINALLY tell you guys ALL about it. My house downtown SOLD.
BOOYAH! TATDOW!

it sold! it’s over! i’ve only one house now! only one power bill! one water bill! one gas bill! i was so excited that i called a couple of people to be all, “YAY! IT’S OVER! I LOVE THE WORLD!” and then i drove to the ‘brary, went in and “woooo!”-ed and played air guitar and danced around like a nutter.

let’s back up a moment to three weeks ago. my real estate agent called and said, “jaimie, i sold your house.”

“really?”

“yeah baby, it’s gonna go through. all you have to do is get the deck and fence fixed from when the car crashed into it. how’s the insurance thing going?”

“it’s not. are you sure they’re going to buy it?”

“yes! we close on march 1st. so get that fence and deck fixed, and the door needs to be replaced.”

“right on!”

so i talk with the insurance of doom again and no dice. so screw it and i ask dad to fix it (he had been meaning to fix it for ages, but you know how it goes. plus it’s been cold out.)and he says sure and since we had four weeks till closing there was no big deal. but then dad took a job (like, a real one) where he has to work from 7am – 3pm for two months. so now i’m all, “dad, when will you have time to fix that stuff? it’s impossible! we’re all gonna die!” and he’s all, “will you relax? it’ll get done.”

right, so, the next week the estate agent calls and says, “okay so, everything is going smooth and the buyer accepted your counter-offer and all we need is the inspection which is wednesday and a wood report which is next week.”

“okay, sounds good.”

“well everything is going so smoothly that we’ve decided to move the closing date to next week.”

“what. what?! can you do that?”

“sure.”

“but the deck and fence-“

“well, just get them fixed by friday.”

okay sure, because the fix-it fairy will just come down and fix everything for me and leave the receipt under my pillow?

the next day dad and mr. fleegan go and fix EVERYTHING. it only took them half a day to fix it all. THEY ARE MASTERS. i even had K-ris on standby in case they needed extra hands. that’s how cool my pals are. i called laura the day before, “shit. what are you guys doing tomorrow? shit. what i mean is, shit, is kris busy tomorrow? shitter shit. because dad and jimmy might need extra hands for the deck job. shit!” and they were so sweet to be all, “call us if you need us.” because really, they had their hands full what with selling their duplexes and all.

i didn’t want to get too excited about anything or even mention this good news until the closing was over because sometimes you hear about deals that don’t go through right up until closing. and i did not want to jinx this deal. when people asked me how the house deal was going i’d tell them and they’d be all, “great! aren’t you excited?” and i’d say, “yeah, but i’m not going to cheer about it till the papers are signed.” and they thought i was being a Debbie Downer, and maybe i was (i’d say “cautiously optimistic”), but i don’t care. cos now? now i can cheer! it’s over!

i took my check to the bank and deposited it and the teller was all, “hi how are you?” and i was all, “i’m fine, how are- SOLD MY HOUSE TODAY. WOOOO!” and she laughed and seemed excited for me. and then, like i said, i made some calls and i drove to the ‘brary and wooted and air guitared and promptly left.

THEN i went to the Humane Society (Roxy needs a pal) to see if they had any big, old dogs for adoption and all they had was puppies and dachsunds and chihuahuas. i nearly caved and adopted the CUTEST hound puppy named Hobo. he is so cute he melted my face off (starringnicholascageandjohntravolta), but i was strong. i really don’t have time for a puppy. and besides i’d like to adopt an older dog because lots of times people overlook old dogs because they want cute puppy dogs. i’m certain that Hobo will be adopted soon.

i spent about an hour yesterday morning on petfinder.com trying to find a pal for Rox and i thought i finally hit pay dirt. there’s an old gordon setter named Woody and it said he was in atlanta. i thought that sure, i’d go to atlanta to adopt a dog. i’d rather do it locally, but there you go. i click to read about ol’ Woody and he’s really in michigan! well, fuckit, i’m not going to michigan for a dog. so we’re still looking for a pal for the Roxinator.

but more importantly: HOUSE! SOLD!
and it only took 3 months. that’s not bad, folks. that’s AMAZING.

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2.14.08

Category: dribblings

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