Paranoia Jones and the Curse of July

Category: dribblings

so the other day i leave for work and notice a slightly huge puddle under the red jeep. did it rain or something? but i couldn’t remember getting any rain. and specifically i couldn’t remember it raining under my jeep in such a way that there could be no other rain around the other cars i park between. there couldn’t possibly be anything leaking could it? from this jeep? nah, i mean, she’s so young! like new! a mere 18 years old.

so i parked the jeep in front of the puddle to do an experiment, right? see if it makes a new puddle.

it did.

i figured it was oil because that’s what jeeps do, and while yes, there is an oil leak (and has been for 12 years) this was coming from a different thing, and it’s a different color, and i don’t know what it is, and what’s worse, neither does dad.

we added some antifreeze because that’s most like what seems to be leaking, although we can’t find from whence the leaking.

dad was all, “have you thought about trading it in?”

“what?”

“trading in your car. get something new?”

“have you thought about cutting out your tongue?”

“what?”

“look, she’s fine! it’s just a leak. SOMEone can fix it, i’m sure.”

“…”

“i can’t do a car payment right now. or ever. because i’m not getting rid of her! she’s mostly fine!”

“oh sure.”

“it’s not like-”

“how much money are you going to drop on it before you finally break down and buy something new?”

“first of all, don’t say “break down”. second of all, everything’s going to be fine, it’s not like it’s Ju- ohmygodwhatdayisit?!”

“huh?”

“*GASP* it’s the last week of June isn’t it?!”

“wh- yes?”

“oh my god, it’s every year! every year like fucking clockwork! the last week of June comes along and breaks something, then i’m pummeled by July with broken shit until August finally shows up all stoned, “i’m here, what did i miss? oh, hai…””

“are you okay?”

“of COURSE i’m not okay! it’s the last week of June and July has already started!”

“are you on drugs?”

“so this year it’s the jeep, huh, July? usually you just explode some plumbing or kill one of my dogs or attempt to kill my other dog, but this year you’re gonna start with the jeep, AGAIN. you are some kind of asshole.”

“you’re not talking to me, right?”

“Roxy has a vet appointment tomorrow, maybe i should just board her for the month. she’ll be safer there.”

“what? hey, where are you going?”

“i’m going home, to bed, and i’m not coming out until August!”

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