july is my “khaaaaaaan!”

Category: dribblings

this just in from the Redundancy Department: i hate birds.

latest julyness:

there is a family of wrens living in my garage. and when i say family i don’t mean a mom, dad, and nestful of mangy birdlets. nay, i’m talking extended director’s cut here: cousins, aunts, gay uncles, slutty step-moms who are divorced from the dads but somehow keep getting invited back to reunions, half-witted 3rd cousins no one likes because they used to pee the bed. you get the idea.

this morning i was able to count 5 full-grown wrens (and those were just the ones in front of me, i have no idea how many were behind me because i was too focused on trying to get them OFF MY BIKE.

these birds are very tiny. it would seem cruel of me to hate them like i do, but there’s nothing for it. they scream and make a racket all day long, and i’m talking they start at 0-dark thirty in the morning, then they proceed to shit on ALL my stuff in the garage. i’ve thrown out two nests and they STILL come back. i think they actually came back with MORE friends. like they were all, “hey man, the bitch threw out our old house. can you and bob come by this weekend to help me build another one? i’ll spring for pizza and beer.”
“yeah, we’ll borrow mike’s truck.”
“sweet.”

there is a gap at the bottom of the garage door, and that’s how they keep getting in, so don’t go thinking we’re rednecks who keep our garage door open all the time, it’s not like that. it’s always closed unless we’re mowing the lawn or working on the jeep.

but now i’ve become a wrensong connoiseur. there are three (approx.) songs/evil noises that come out of the beak of a shiteing wren. the first is a twerpy song. it’s a whistley tune that could probably be translated into english like this: “yay! i’m a wren! a wrenny wren! la la la! hey-ho la dee da! i’m a wren!”
it’s very sing-song.

the second one isn’t so much a song, it’s more of a complaint. like when i get too close to their nest(s). it’s extra loud, but also one note, it goes like this: “YOU! YOU! YOU! YOU! YOU! YOU!”

the third is one that i did not know existed until i put one of the cats in the garage to see if she would piss off the wrens. well, it worked. and they are beside themselves with this arrogant, birdly anger that we have no human equivilent word for. and this sound is loud with an extra loud helping of LOUD. and it sounds a lot like the noise cicadas make, only louder. and it doesn’t help that it’s bouncing off the four walls of my garage.

but what these bitches don’t know, is that i have tomorrow off. 
DOOMSDAY is ON. 

pictures of these mangy, evil, nasty, wicked, winged beasties coming soon.

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