4.01.08

Category: dribblings

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ALL MY APRIL FOOLS! including but not limited to: Coach! Jeremiah! and of course, Mr. Fleegan!

 

*****

are you guys ready for another ‘brary story? i thought so!

yesterday a girl, teenager, comes up to me and hands me a piece of paper. on the paper is written:

louisamayalcott

she wrote little women and other poems

(i know, right? Little Women wasn’t a poem. this should immediately be a dead give-away that i should probably go ahead and slam my face on the counter.)

she doesn’t say anything. and it’s written just like that, no spaces between the names. and she looks at me. so i figure, deaf-mute, yeah? wouldn’t you? isn’t that what you were thinking? obviously she can’t speak, and chances are nil on the hearing, right? so i’m assuming she can read lips, okay? because she doesn’t hand me a pen or motion like i should write something down. so i ask, “do you need a book about the author? or do you need a book written by the author?”

she nods.

which of course, helps me. not at all.

“what do you need?”

no response.

“do you need Little Women?”

she shakes her head.

“you need a biography about Louisa May Alcott?”

“i have to do a research paper on her.”

OH MY GOD. THE LITTLE TWIT COULD SPEAK AND HEAR JUST FINE. so now i’m mad, right? because really sweetie, we need to work on your communication skills.

“how old are you?”

“seventeen.”

“then you’ll be needing the adult biography and not the juvenile biography. it’s over there under ALC. nevermind, let me get it for you. we’ve hidden it in alphabetical order by last name and you, being you, have no hope of finding it. ever. even if all the books were painted black and the one you wanted was fluorescent green.”

of course i didn’t say it like that.

then the mom comes up. THE MOM. she’s all, “honey, did they have anything?”

the girl back in deaf-mute mode holds up the book and nods.

i hand her a piece of paper that i’ve written the call numbers on for books in the reference section that she can look at and take notes or make copies on the copier. and i have to explain that no, you can’t check out the reference books.

you’ve no idea how many times a day i’ve had to shatter someone’s life and explain that the reference books cannot leave the library. “but i have a library card.”

“and you may check out anything in this library but you MAY NOT CHECK OUT A BOOK FROM THE TREE OF KNOWLEDGE.”

“well, can we use my son’s card?”

“it has nothing to do with cards. the reference section is there for all to use. therefore the books in that section cannot leave the library.”

“well that’s stupid.”

is it? is it really? are you sure? is that the stupid thing in all this?

“if the mayor came in here and wanted to check out a reference book do you know what i would tell him?”

“what?”

“NO!”

anyway, i give the girl the treasure map to the reference section and the mom, after i explain yet again why you can’t check out reference books, says to the girl, “you don’t need to use reference books do you? we can come back sometime later.”

the girl is doomed.

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