5.12.08

Category: dribblings

if you know me, and you know you do, you know that i hate birds. you probably also know that i’m not too keen on plants. i respect the plants, well, not holly bushes. i hate holly bushes. i hate them because i am a house painter, and on numerous occassions i’ve had to fight with holly bushes which, not only are sharp and stabby on the outside but on the inside they are usually filled with bees and/or wasps. they are nothing more than a winged-stinging insect fortress. often the painter loses the battle. oh, the house gets painted, but the painter has wounds for the effort. paint monkey hate holly bushes. and it ALWAYS seems that people plant those bushes like, 4 inches away from the house. why?

anyway, other than holly bushes i’m okay with outside plants (obviously no one is a fan of poison ivy and the like), but houseplants? they just aren’t for me.

last year when i started working at the library all of my fellow library workers were really concerned (more than i thought necessary) about these two “corn plants” that were in this smallish flower pot. “they need a bigger pot. they’re probably already rootbound.”

“they’ll die pretty soon if they aren’t replanted.”

“jaimie, what do you think?”

“me?”

“yeah, do you want to take these plants home and replant them?”

“me?”

“yes.“

“no.”

“but they’ll die if they aren’t replanted!”

“well, then… can’t you just… throw them away?”

GASP “no!”

anyway, one day i get to work and it’s been decided that i’m to take home the plants and replant them in a bigger pot. i was not happy with this arrangement, but i was new to the job and kind of intimidated by two of the ladies. so i took the damn things home. there just happened to be a largish flower pot at my house (previous renter’s) and so i went and bought a sack of dirt. i paid real human money for a sack of what’s basically EVERYWHERE in my yard. but the dirt in the sack said it was full of nutrients and was awesome for plants. and the dirt in my yard could not promise me that. although it seems to be doing fine for dandelions and other weeds.

so i took the plants out of the small pot and yes, the roots were the shape of the pot. so i kind off loosened them up as much as possible. i had to tear some of the roots off. i figure there were tons of roots and that they would grow back in they needed them.

honestly, the plants didn’t do so well. one of them lost most of it’s leaves while the other kinda stayed the same. earlier this year while i was doing something else like cleaning house or something, i has hit by a clue-by-four and thought, “hey, maybe i should’ve planted the plants in separate pots?” so when i went to work i asked one of the plant lovers about it.

“you mean when you repotted them you put them in the same pot?”

“well, yeah. they were in the same pot to begin with.”

“but the whole point is that they needed more room because they were getting bigger.”

“well, i put them in a bigger pot.”

“…”

“right. so. i should separate them?”

“are they doing okay?”

“well, one is kinda dead and the other is trying to die.”

“you should separate them.”

“damn.”

“are you watering them?”

“i didn’t think they needed much water.”

“they don’t.”

“and you said not to over water them.”

“right, they don’t need much water.”

“…”

“but you have watered them, right?”

“…no.”

“what?!”

“you said they don’t need much water!”

“they don’t! but they need some water!”

“you never said that.”

“are you trying to kill the plants?”

“no! i BOUGHT a sack of DIRT. i spent money on them!”

“i can’t believe you haven’t watered them.”

“i thought they were like a cactus! plus the dirt i bought has nutrients in it.”

“are you really this dumb about plants?”

“hey, you guys forced these things on me!”

“okay, look. separate the plants okay? different pots. and then? water them occassionaly!”

“like, once a month?”

“you could do it more often than that.”

“see?! okay, that’s not “not much water”. that’s “water them every two weeks” okay?”

“they’re plants! they need water!”

“right. what about sun? you said not to put them in the sun.”

“yeah, don’t put them in the sun.”

“but they’re plants… green ones.”

“…”

“don’t they need the sun to… photosynthesize?”

“don’t put them in the sun. have you been putting them in the sun?”

“no! you told me not to. but you also said they don’t need much water so i’m trying to figure out if “don’t put them in the sun” actually means “well, obviously put them in the sun” or what.”

“don’t put them in direct sunlight.”

“so i could just leave them in the garage?”

“no!”

“i was kidding.”

“put them near a window, but not in the window.”

“and then eventually these plants will give me money?”

“what?”

“or grow some delicious fruit?”

“what? they’re corn plants they don’t have fr-“

“or the leaves are medicinal? i can smoke the dried leaves? make a tea?”

“no, of course not!”

“flowers then? make my house smell good?”

“jaimie, they’re corn plants! don’t you know anything-“

“so basically you’re telling me there’s no payoff here?”

“what?”

“plants belong outside.”

“but-“

“and it’s a green plant! what kind of green plant doesn’t like the sun? or water? how do these things even grow in the first place? i mean, if they’re so fragile to the elements how do they live outside? i mean, wherever these things actually grow, right? there’s bound to be rain…more than twice a month, yeah? and the sun? it shines like, every day.”

“just repot them separately and? when the dirt is dry? water them.”

“fine.”

look, i’m not Plantgirl. i don’t even WANT to be Plantgirl. but i separated the damn things and i even wiped off the leaves with a damp paper towel. and now i water them sometimes. the one is kinda full, right? it has big leaves. but the other one only has three leaves left. but that one is also the only one with new growth coming out of the top. so i think i should pull off the three leaves that are left so that the new growth will get all the nutrients. does that make sense? what say you plant people? and also, why can’t i just plant these damn things outside? wouldn’t they rather live outside where their roots could grow as big as they want? instead of living in my house forced to listen to The Essential Cyndi Lauper and The Best of Hall and Oates 17 hours a day?

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