Category: dribblings

yesterday i got ready to go to work and then my jeep wouldn’t start. so i had to walk to work. i don’t live very far from the library so it was no big deal. Roxy could see me walking from the backyard and she wailed and wailed in a, “why aren’t you taking me?! why can’t i go?! but i’m good! i’m a good dog! WHY?!” i could hear her all the way to the library parking lot. it broke my heart.

speaking of broken hearts, the jeep, she is breaking mine. dad seems to think it’s something horrible wrong with the jeep. he thinks that it is mysteriously draining the battery from some undetermined source. i’m telling him that it’s probably a faulty battery (the battery is only a year old) and that if i get a new battery everything will be all right.

but Doomsday Popsicle is all, “you know, Charlie Martin had a jeep like that. he had problems for years cos he couldn’t keep a battery. it just kept draining and draining.”

“yeah, well i’ve never had a problem with that. why would my jeep JUST NOW decide to start killing batteries?”

“i don’t know. but he had a problem for years.”

“my jeep would never do that to me. i’m good to her. she knows that.”

“jaimie, it’s a car.”


so before we go and buy a new battery for her, dad’s going to put his battery in her and we’ll leave it overnight and see if the ol’ girl drains his battery. if it’s drained in the morning i’ll cry those big crocodile tears.

Dear Jeep,

Baby, don’t do this to us! Cos listen, Jimmy keeps talking about “our next car is going to be a hybrid.” and i’m all, “well one of our cars has to die first.” and then he looks at you and goes, “tick tock tick tock.” like you’re on borrowed time. Prove him wrong, baby, prove them all wrong. I know you’re not eating my battery. I know it’s a bum battery that’s causing all this. You wouldn’t betray me like that. Not like that.

Cos if you do betray me? If you’re doing this on purpose? If you’re throwing away all those great years we’ve had by eating up batteries in such a way that i’ll have to spend tons of money on you then i will kill your face off (starringnicholascageandjohntravolta) and buy some kind of gay electrical toy car. And it will be on your head! You know this! I’m so good to you! You get regular oil changes, fuel treatments, air in your tires! Look baby, I know you’re getting older, okay? But c’mon, you’re only 17 years old and you’ve only 190,000 miles on ya. You’ve still got it. You’re in your prime, baby!

Don’t do this to us! Don’t make me Ol’ Yeller you.




in ‘brary news:

i had to clean up a large puddle of pee in the girl’s room yesterday. i know, and you’re right, i don’t get paid enough to clean up human waste. while i was in there a lady was in there at the sink and she sees me with rubber gloves and paper towels and disinfectant spray and she says, “oh, i think that’s just water from a leaky toilet. it’s not what you think it is.”

that would’ve been nice, i guess. but as soon as i opened the bathroom door the scent of urine was quite strong, and our toilets? aren’t leaky. so. yeah it was piss. i used the paper from my B.F.A. degree to clean it up.

and i know, it was just pee. it could’ve been a lot worse. and really if it had been any worse? i wouldn’t have cleaned it. turds and puke? i don’t make enough money to clean that up. besides i’d be too busy hurling my guts out. and you’d think after living with Toonces the Hairball Queen i’d be used to dealing with puke. but i can’t tell you how many times i got sick while cleaning up her sick. it was ridiculous, really. damn cats, with their horking.

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