wart. do not read if you are squeamish.

Category: dribblings

if you have/get a wart you should go to your doctor. a wart is the HPV. it’s a virus. your doc can help you.

i have a wart on the bottom of my foot.

i’ve had it for a week now. i find it to be embarassing; that’s why i’ve sat on this for a week before mentioning it. it’s not large. and for now, it’s not one of those massive foot wart colonies that you see on google images that makes you want to cry for the poor bastard who has to deal with that on a daily basis. search at your own risk, folks.

it’s just a small/medium sized piece of filth that lives on the ball of my foot that somehow makes it feel like i’m constantly walking on a small but sharp pebble.

obviously it’s not the worst thing in the world, but it is annoying, mildly painful, and if you work at a public library? you’re on your feet a lot.

i remember one summer when i was a kid my mom had plantar warts. that basically means you have warts on the bottom of your feet. like the one on my foot now. but she was one of the unlucky people; she had, at one point, 27 of those things going. that’s a lot of shit on the bottom of one foot.

she tried the acid first, but pretty soon she was going to a doctor. and it seemed like that summer she went to the doctor once a week to have those things burned off. this was the ’80s, and that’s what they did. now you hear more about them freezing the warts off. you can even buy over-the-counter-freeze-your-warts-off-yourself-even-though-you’re-not-a-doctor-nor-have-you-had-any-medical-experience-whatsoever-and-no,-the-biology-class-you-took-at-community-college-does-not-count.

her foot had these tiny burned out holes in them. 27 of them. that summer she sat by the pool almost every day and soaked her foot, hoping the chlorine would kill the warts or dry them out or, i don’t know, become some kind of miracle healing waters. i remember being scared of her foot. i wasn’t afraid of the warts being contagious, i was just afraid of how scary her foot looked. at one point that summer i remember the burned out holes (27 of them) were gone and it was like the whole front part of her foot had been scraped out. that’s because the doctor had taken some kind of medieval dentistry tool and had actually SCRAPED OUT THE BOTTOM OF HER FOOT.

i was horrified. but also kinda intrigued. “mom, can i see your foot?” i’d ask.

she’d lift it out of the water.

“gross!” i’d say and swim to the deep end of the pool.

i remember i’d ask her if it hurt. she always said, “no.” or “not too bad.”

piss on that. her foot looked like burger meat. it had to hurt.

i asked her how and why she had those warts. i think she knew that i was panicky about getting them, especially after seeing her chunked-out foot. so she told me it happens sometimes when you get old. i thought that if that’s what getting old is i want no part of it. sure you get to stay up late and watch Cheers, but that is so not worth having a hamburger foot.

of course, she lied. it has nothing to do with age. the next year i got a wart on my big toe. it was massive, but it was only one, and it was nothing like her previous wart farm. i won’t bore you with my big toe wart story because it is even more gross and hilarious (though not nearly as painful) than mom’s Wartslvania, population:27.

and now i have a wart on the bottom of my foot. and i am nearly religious in the cleansing of this foot. because i don’t want it getting any imperial ideas of spreading out and conquering new places. Queen Fleegan is NOT signing any charters; there will be no religious freedom.

i have no idea if that will prevent a Wartersburg on my foot, i’m not a doctor, but it probably can’t hurt. right now it’s not very big, so i’m not in panic-mode, yet. and i went to the pharmacy and spent 20 minutes in the So, You’re Foot is Fucked Up? section. i’ve got tape and pads and acid and discs. and like i say i’m cleaning it a lot. i’ve got an acid regimen. this is where i clean it and prep it and drop a tab of acid and THE CAT IS SPEAKING IN TONGUES AND I CAN’T SWIM IN THIS AIR BECAUSE IT’S BLOOD NOW AND HOW AM I DRINKING FIRE OUT OF A SKULL? WHO IS THIS SKULL?!

then i disc, pad, and tape it over, and i’m good to go.

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