The Rise and Immediate Fall of O-neg, the Blood Queen

Category: dribblings

Several weeks ago my pal Suzie had a blood drive at the Lutheran church. A couple of days before the event I had already decided that I wouldn’t donate any blood because I’d never done it before and it seemed like a really gross and painful idea. Suzie didn’t really want to give blood either, but she was going to be a brave one and do it. Bully for her. She’s awesome.

So the day before the event I was talking to my other pal, Jenara, about the blood drive and she says, “Oh when is it, I can try to give blood in another week or two.”

“you give blood?”

“oh sure, all the time.”

“like, on purpose?”

“yes.”

“have you ever fainted?”

“yes. just about every time.”

“what? you get sick every time and you STILL give blood?”

“well, yeah.”

Her cavalier attitude about the whole thing made me feel like a weenie.

So you bet your ass I hauled over to the blood drive the next day and donated a bag of blood. (how much is it, anyway? they call it a unit? a pint?)

I did not pass out or faint or spew up my guts, but towards the end I did feel kinda bad. and wicked thirsty. but hey! blood! donated!

When I got back in the hall some friends were there and they were all, “Hey! You did- oh my gosh are you okay?”

“YES. I’M FINE! ISN’T THIS GREAT?”

“What? Why don’t you sit-”

“LOOK! SNACKS! IS THIS CHAIR FOR ME? THIS IS GREAT! THANK YOU!”

“You’re awfully pale, lets-”

“YEAH WHY? ISN’T THIS GREAT? ARE THERE ANY CRACKERS I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM NOW.”

I’m not sure if it’s a typical reaction, this loquacious, loud-talking, is she drunk? reaction, but that’s how it seemed to affect me.

Anyway I waited all this time to blog about it because they have to test your blood first, and I thought what if I brag about how awesome I am for giving blood, and then the test comes back positive for Gypsy blood, or something even worse? And then people would be all, “Hey you gave blood! Good on you! When are you going to do it again?”

And I’d have to be all, “Never. They don’t want my filthy Roma blood.”

And they’d be all, “Oh. That explains your clothes and earrings and the fact that you just picked my pocket.”

And I’d be all, “Sorry. It’s in my blood.”

[please note: If you’re wondering if I’m actually racist towards Gypsies, I was wondering the same thing.]

Yesterday I recieved a letter from the American Red Cross that says, “YAY!  Your blood is clean! Thanks for your blood! Here’s a donor card with your name on it! You can give blood again in three weeks! Do it! We need it! Did you know that only 30% of first time donors give blood again? Don’t be one of those pussies in the 70%, okay?”
I’m paraphrasing, but you get the idea.

Also, I did not know what sort of blood I had. So I was keen to find out, and was hoping that I had the Magic Blood of the Universal Donor. And if I had the Magic Blood of the Universal Donor? YOU WOULD NEVER HEAR THE END OF IT. EVER. I would have become insufferable. my friends would talk to each other all, “Oh my gosh, have you talked to Jaimie lately?”

“oh. You mean She Of The Magic Blood?”

“God!”

“I know. What a freak.”

“Does she really expect everyone to start calling her O-neg, the Blood Queen?”

“You have to ask?”

“Ugh, you’re right. If she starts demanding tribute I’m going to kill her.”

“oh. well. If that crazy bitch calls me a peasant one more time? You won’t have to.”

“It would have almost been worth it if her blood had come back Gypsy.”

“Yeah. Almost.”

“Has anyone ever made this big of a deal about their blood type?”

“Other than O-neg, the Blood Queen you mean?”

“Yes.”

“No.”

“How long is this going to last?”

“Not sure, maybe as little as a week. Of course, if she gives blood every 8 weeks? We’re all doomed.”

Lucky for you and the rest of humanity, I have not been blessed with the Magic Blood of the Universal Donor. I am instead, O+.

I feel the need to let you know  that it seems to be The Most Common Blood in All the Land. But it’s also like having half-magic blood as O+ can be donated to all of the other positive blood types. (right? do i have that right?)

But half-magic is practically like Gypsy magic so, I dunno if there’s bragging rights there or not.

probably not.

Two things I can’t help thinking about after writing this:

1. O-neg, the Blood Queen would have been AWESOME and

2. If you capitalize the word Gypsy, is it then an ethnic slur? Like, if it’s lowercase, gypsy, is it just a general term for nomadic types?

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