AM clock radio monday morning blues

Warning: The blog entry has swear words. I even take the Lord’s name in vain. You can either

1. Not read this or

2. grow up.

This morning I woke up to the clock radio alarm which is set, like all the radios in my life, to the local AM station (they play a lot of Stevie Wonder, okay?). I like this because before I get out of bed I can hear what the weather/temp is outside AND they basically keep me abreast (heh. boobies.) of the local news via reading headlines from our local newspaper. They steal the news straight from the paper and never give props to the paper for doing the actual work. This probably happens a lot? I guess? With other small towns’ local radio and newspapers?

My clock radio is so awesomely bad. It has a CD player in it as well, so I can wake up to any song I want, in theory. For some reason (read: because i own it) when I use a CD as an alarm the volume is crazy low. It’s not loud enough to wake me up, and I’m the one who wakes up 10 times a night because I can hear Mr. Fleegan grinding his teeth. I’m not a heavy sleeper, is my point. But the radio volume? is fine. I can’t explain it.

The other awesomely bad feathure of this machine is that the clock is not good at keeping time.
Again, for some unexplainable reason, the clock actually gets incrementally faster (yeah, that word had 5 syllables.) as the month goes on. This means that at the end of month two, the clock has gained 10 or 11 minutes. Which, I admit, is way better than it slowing down and waking me up late, right?

I tell you this to explain that when the clock is reset to the proper time, the alarm goes off (AM radio) and it will hit exactly when they’re doing the weather, or maybe traffic first (which takes all of one second: small town.) and then the weather and then the news read straight from the paper. But, when the clock gets ahead, that’s when I get to hear the last part of the song before the traffic/weather/news. And 6 out of 10 times it’s Stevie Wonder. WIN.

The other 4 times is a total crapshoot. Por ejemplo, this morning I woke to “(I’ve Been to Paradise,) but I’ve Never Been to Me.” Which, I’m going to be honest, I’d never heard that song before. This? Is why I love my AM oldies station. They play 4 decades’ worth of shit and I love the variety. I can hear an ’80s Heart song, a Motown hit, then hear “Delta Dawn”, straight to a disco song, and if I’m lucky? Gordon Lightfoot or Phoebe Snow. Look, I never said I was cool.

Anyway, this “gem” of a song starts out kinda sweet-ish. I thought it was Olivia Newton-John, that’s really the only reason I paid any attention at all to the lyrics. She starts out talking to another lady, trying to cheer her up, I think? I thought that was very Girl Power, right? And the lyrics are very rhyme-y. Like, I’m not saying she’s Steve Miller or Dr. Seuss, but I’m not not saying that either. In fact, she gets to this line:

I’ve been to Nice/And the Isle of Greece

After that I was IN. Maybe she did go to the Steve Miller Band School of Songwriting. She goes on to say something about she’s “been undressed by kings.” which: awesome. THEN the singer starts talking. one of those dramatic monologues over the music? Yes. And in most cases of this I’m on board. Anything that adds extra cheese to cheese? Yes. More please.

However, she’s doing her talk and it’s like, “Hey, paradise is a lie, the only truth you need is that crying baby that’s in your arms.” I’m paraphrasing. But now it’s too late. I’ve already heard over half the song, and unfortunately I’ve woken up childless, (again! wha?) So this goddamned song has just now decided to stab me in the face. FACE.

It, gets EVEN MORE face-stabbingly worse. I was so ready to slit my wrists that even her lyric “the subtle whoring” couldn’t snap me out of my destroyed state of mind. DON’T get me wrong, “the subtle whoring” is an amazingly bad lyric. Really? Subtle whoring? I likened this to Tina Turner’s “Private Dancer.” (GREAT SONG, by the way. “Private Dancer” has NEVER inspired me to CRY IN BED. Nor has it ever STABBED ME in the FACE.) And may I remind you that this took place FIRST THING in the morning, first thing I’ve heard all day, I’ve not even moved to get out of bed yet? And? It’s Monday. Mother Fucking Monday.

So basically the song is all, “I should have stayed home and had armies of babies instead of literally fucking the whole of Europe (and possibly Georgia) and having a good time. I’m now bitter and incomplete.”

This calls for a list.

1. first of all, your whoring? is actually not that subtle.

2. i’m not saying you weren’t a classy whore, i mean, kings, right? (see also: Bobbie Gentry’s “Fancy“, she ain’t done bad.)

3. this song should not be allowed to play on the radio between the hours of 12am to 12pm. nor from 6pm to 12am. And not at all on weekends or Mondays.

4. actually, this song should get no airplay at all.

5. shame on you for tricking me into thinking you were Olivia Newton-John.

6. there is no number six,

7. if this had been Olivia Newton-John, I would have heard this song before and would have known to slap the off button and NONE OF THIS WOULD HAVE HAPPENED. WHERE WERE YOU, OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN, WHEN I NEEDED YOU? Heartless bitch.

8. can someone help me get this knife out of my face?

9. now i just feel guilty for wasting my life away and NOT EVEN ONCE have I gotten to whore around Europe. Count your blessings, whore!

10. goddamned AM clock radio monday morning blues.