8.01.06

Category: dribblings

had to endure more bloody, bollicky Shark Week this evening. laura was over and she was all, “what is Shark Week?” and honestly, it’s not like she’s from Tibet or anything.

why i went with Tibet, i’ve no idea. i was trying to think of something far away and completely landlocked, like Nebraska, only even people in Nebraska have heard of Shark Week. Tibet is not only really foreign, but it’s a plateau. perhaps that’s what i was going for then when i made the snark about laura and Tibet. how about let’s stop analyzing what i say, okay? it’s taking the funny out.

anyway, after 20 minutes of whatever sharkshowbullshit was on i turned to LBC and said, “see what i mean about Shark Week?”

“yes.”

“so repetitive.”

“and gross.”

“and filled with assholes.”

“…”

“who cares what kind of shark killed your kid! it was A SHARK! make and model aren’t going to bring her back.”

“yeah, this is morbid.”

“oh by all means, let’s study the mortal wound to measure the teeth marks. that way we can brag that the shark that ate our kid was like, 3 feet bigger than the one that ate yours.”

“and this goes on for a week?”

“yes, and it’s all the same. at the end of each show they tell you what to do if you’re attacked by a shark.”

“and what do you do if you’re attacked by a shark?”

“basically you bleed out and die.”

jimmy, bless it, finally was all, “here. take the remote. watch whatever you want!”

“no. that’s okay. you can watch your morbid, blood water, shark attack progam.”

laura: “it’s shark worship.”

oh and what’s worse is the shark apologetics. the bleeding heart liberal shark fuckers who say things like, “sharks are noble creatures who don’t actually hunt humans as prey. if a shark attacks a human it’s because the human was doing something wrong like cutting bait in the water. and sometimes maybe the shark sees someone paddling out on a surfboard and thinks it’s a seal. sharks just get a bad rap sometimes.” and they can kiss my huge ass because i’m pretty sure seals don’t have screenprinted seascapes and Ron Jon logos on their bellies, am i right?

i mean, they have eyes! big ones! the size of quarters even! and quit telling me how goddamn smart they are and how they have incredible sensory abilities, and then turn around and say that they “accidentally” attack humans and fiberglass surf boards a la murky water. i don’t want to hear it.

sharks attack humans because
A. they’re out of their mind, crazy hungry and
B. we’re in their house and
C. we’re pink, fleshy, indefensible snack crackers

and people freak out all, “OMG! we’re going to the beach and there’s been 8 shark attacks THIS YEAR in the Gulf! it’s crazy!”

no, no it isn’t. that’s…nature. now, if there were 8 shark attacks in Nebraska or Tibet…that would be crazy.

Tags: , ,

No Comments