Is it safe?

Category: dribblings

I had to go to the dentist last week. Allow me to bore you with this story.

I’ve gone to the same dentist for almost 30 years. When we moved to this town, mom shopped for a dentist and found The New Guy. When she brought me in (3 or 4 maybe?) the dentist was all, “Hey, I don’t have any kid patients. There’s a pediactric dentist down-”

and mom’s all, “Here, now you have one.”

And we’ve gone to that same dentist twice a year ever since. And I’ve had the same hygienist for about as long. She is The Coal Miner’s Daughter. She looks nothing like Loretta Lynn, but mom called her that one day after a particularly deep and painful dig into her gums. The name has stuck ever since, because the lady is brutal. Obviously we don’t say this to her face. But when one of us goes to the dentist the convo goes like this:

“Had a dentist appointment today.”

“ooh. Coal Miner’s Daughter?”

“Coal Miner’s Daughter.”

“Sorry.”

“Yep.”

I realize that part of it is she’s trying to clean my teeth. The scraping isn’t because she hates me. And really, my teeth aren’t bad. I do brush and floss. Yep, floss. I’m old. My shoulder hurts when it rains, I enjoy taking walks outside with my dog, and I floss. These are all signs of aging.

But this lady is consistent in her brutality. When I rinse? It looks like I’ve been punched in the mouth. And that napkin they pin around your neck? Is just gore. I’ve become used to this routine, so now it’s not a surprise, and I mostly laugh it off. Ha ha! Pain! Ha ha! She really got me this time!

This time, and I think she did this to me last time as well, she was digging deep into my top gums (Dangerzone! heh.) and she, of course, has me bleeding like a stuck hog. So she wipes it with some gauze first, then I see her grab the vaccuum, and she’s sucking all the gore up. The vaccuum makes my gums cold, so I can’t take it for more than a second or two. Then, out of NOWHERE, because I did not see her grab for another tool, a shot of freezing electricity hits the sore spot SHE JUST CREATED with her PICK AXE. And I didn’t say, “Ow!” And I didn’t say, “Stop.”

What I did was full body jerk up off the chair, arms flailing, and I yelled, “Shit!” except my mouth was opened so it sounded more like, “Ick!”

In a complete deadpan she said, “Was that a sensitve spot?”

“What. Was that?”

“It was water, I was rinsing the area-”

“I’m going to need a warning next time, before you shoot ice water straight into a PAIN HOLE.”

“Here, go rinse in the sink, you can control the water temp.”

“Thank you.”

“Jaimie,  do we usually put a numbing gel on your gums before we start cleaning?”

“No.”

“you might try using a sensitive toothpaste-”

“Wait, there’s numbing gel? Since when? how long have you been holding out on me?”

“I’ll talk to the dentist about your senitive teeth.”

“My teeth are fine, it’s my bleeding gums that hurt.”

This is a lie, because my teeth ARE sensitive, but I’m not gonna tell HER that. Because in this instance it really is the pain hole she carved into my gums and then shot cold water on that is causing me pain and discomfort. I’ve learned to deal with my sensitive teeth. I don’t order salads or cold sandwiches. I keep my apples out of the ‘fridge. If I have fruit in the ‘fridge I’ll nuke it for 8 to 10 seconds to knock the chill off. I can eat ice cream cos it’s not something I chew, but I don’t have it that often. Popsicles? It’s best to avoid those. Also, I can’t have super hot coffee or soup. Let those cool a bit. This is not a difficult life.

So after the rest of the gore and pain and polishing, the dentist comes in and says, “So, you’re teeth are still sensitive?”

“Yeah well, it’s the hole in my gum that’s sensitive.”

“I’m going to write you a prescription for a toothpaste.”

“What?”

“It’s for sensitive teeth. It’s pricey but you need it.”

“My teeth are fine. Wait, do I have any cavities?”

“No.”

“Great. She shot cold water-”

“Get. This. Toothpaste.”

“Yes, sir.”

“It’s expensive, but you need it. Really.”

“How much are we talk-”

“GET IT. And use it. And don’t stop using it until it’s gone.”

“Okay.”

“And tell your mom and dad I said hello.”

“I will.”

So I take the ‘scrip to my drug store and the lady is all, “When do you want to pick it up?”

“Well, I don’t know if you looked at that or not, but it’s for a toothpaste. Do you guys keep prescription toothpaste in stock?”

“Oh. No.” And she looks at me like ‘who the hell gets prescription toothpaste?’

So I look at her back all ‘It’s not me, it’s my dentist.’

 “I’ll have it by Monday.”

“Thank you.”

***

Couple days later I go back to pick it up and THAT SHIT IS $26.00.

TWENTY-SIX DOLLAR FUCKING TOOTHPASTE? DID HE SAY IT WAS PRICEY? TEN DOLLARS IS PRICEY. TWENTY-SIX IS HILARIOUS.

Also, it is not a large family-size tube of toothpaste. And it’s colgate. TWENTY-SIX DOLLARS FOR COLGATE?! sonofabitch.

I must begrudgingly add that the first time I used it I rinsed with normal cold tap water and, honestly, I could tell a difference right away. And that was with the first brushing. I bet by the end of the week I’ll be biting into a cold popsicle and washing it down with piping hot coffee.

You win this round, Twenty-six dollar Colgate toothpaste. But hey, can a girl get a coupon?

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