Dribblings for November 2003

Category: dribblings

11.30.03
so i am drinking a glass of red at the moment. and it’s from a bottle that i opened on thursday. today is sunday so that’s what? 3 days? anyway, the wine tastes really, really, really salty. salty to the point that i spat it in the sink and said, “hey, who salted my wine?” and then checked for large clumps of margarita salt on the rim of my glass, of course, finding none.

has anyone heard of this? did my wine go bad? i thought i had at least a week before wine turns. what gives? is it because it’s australian? should i just stick to france and italy for my reds or what? jjpickle at cybrtyme dot com.

11.29.03
so i was playing my guitar the other day and no one was home so i decided it would be “safe” to sing a song and i realized that i don’t actually know any songs and i’ve been playing guitar since i as 16 and i was in a band for like, 3 years and i think i should know a bloody bollicky song by now don’t you?

so i was trying to remember an ‘even so’ song ‘cos like, i should AT LEAST know one of those right? i mean, hell i wrote a couple of those, i SHOULD KNOW ONE STUPID SONG SHOULDN’T I?!

but i couldn’t think of the lyrics to Better Than This. which was the only song that i knew the chords to. so then i thought, ‘hey what was that other song we used to play that we always played after Better Than This?’ and i remembered that i think that song was capoed but that since i played bass that i played in a different key, right? but damn i can’t remember how that song went, and ALSO i couldn’t remember one stinkin’ lyric and i’ll have you know it took me TWO DAYS to remember the words to the CHORUS of that song and then it hit me that the name of that song is not in the lyrics of that song. and of course it didn’t matter anyway, as i was unable to come up with anything on the guitar that sounded even close to that song, which i’ll have you know is Over Coffee at a 24 Hour Diner. and don’t ask me to sing it ‘cos i have no idea what the lyrics are.

so THEN a week later part of one of liz’s songs busts into my head all “BEFORE YOU DUSTED YOURSELF OFF!!!” and i thought, hey what was THAT song? shit. i can’t go on for days thinking that lyric over and over and not knowing what the hell that song is. i’ll call laura. she’ll know.

laura: hello?

me: yeah, is this the Ho Department?

laura: yes, this is Head Ho speaking.

me: hay. so you remember that ‘even so’ song that went, “BEFORE YOU DUSTED YOURSELF OFF?!”

laura: huh. ‘even so’…that sounds familiar.

me: ha ha. do you know the one? i think liz wrote it.

laura: was it Lullaby?

me: no it wasn’t Lullaby, like i could forget Lullaby. i would kill to hear Lullaby again.

laura: was it Silver Lining?

me: ohh, no. a haunting tune that was though, huh?

laura: yeah. oh wait. i know which one it is…

me: you do? great. oh man you’re saving my life here.

laura: was it the one that you stole the chords from an Alice in Chains song?

me: oh man! no. it wasn’t that one. you wrote the lyrics to that one. this one’s a liz song. shit. “BEFORE YOU DUSTED YOURSELF OFF!” shit.

laura: oh wait. um, Clearly Enough?

me: GASP! yes! that’s it! oh you are the best. you saved my life.

laura: remember you hated that song?

me: no, i hated the character in the song. not the song itself. i loved all our songs…i just never learned them.

11.26.03
my mom and i don’t talk a lot. but when we do it’s usually short and to the point. and sometimes, we don’t even say anything. and the weird thing is, we know exactly what we’re talking about.

por exemplo:

i have not mentioned anything to mom about buying her a b-day present or what i would buy her for a present if i was going to buy her a present. and as i was walking out the door yesterday i said, “hey, i ordered your birthday present today…so don’t go buying anything, ok?”

“really?”

“yeah.”

“‘cos i went to the christian bookstore today.”

“you didn’t.”

“i did.”

“shit.”

“but i couldn’t find it.”

“oh thank god. he blinded you.”

“yeah. i couldn’t believe i couldn’t find it.”

“well, don’t look for it anymore. it’ll be here in a couple of days.”

“it will?”

“yeah. happy birthday mom.”

11.25.03
i was in schlotsky’s this evening waiting on a reuben sandwich and i hear this:
“hey, he spray painted his hair green!“

i look over and there’s a table full of small girls and the parents were at a different table in their own world meanwhile their tiny daughters are staring at me in wonder. i sigh.

“hey look, and he has earrings!”

yeah kid, and he’s got a pair of tits that are to die for.

bloody kids. when i was a kid we weren’t allowed to talk.

11.17.03
i managed to get a library book back to the ‘brary on time! yay me and my mad book returning skillz. first time this year.

yes, this is on the message board, but i thought i should post it here because not everyone goes to the board, although they should:

mom just got back from a “southern district super special meeting” thing in new orleans and she was talking about this new “program” called Contagious Christians.

i said, *gulp* “and what is that all about?”
she said, “it’s this neat way to witn-”
“nooooo!”
“-ess to people. i’m thinking about ordering it for our church. what is your problem.”
“god’s sense of humour is truly remarkable. but he fights dirty.”
“excuse me?”
“i just wrote a scathing dribble about idiots who witness to me.”
“how scathing?”
“i use the fuck word in it.”
“oh.”
“i have a very big mouth.”
“it’s easier to put your foot in it then, isn’t it?”
“oh man, the ultimate defeat. both you AND god get the last word in.”

11.15.03
WARNING: THIS DRIBBLE IS RATED R
because i use the “fuck” word and yell at god.

you know what i hate about all you damn baptists? you’re all trying to “save” me. leave me the hell alone!

look, it’s not like i hate the fact that these assholes are witnessing to me. that’s their “job”. i get that. really i do. but when i tell you that i’m already a christian how about shutting the hell up and moving on to your next victim, ass?

[hey god, i’m gonna have to start hurting some of your children. tell then to back off, yo.]

i’ve had to “prove” my christianity twice in one week to two of the dumbest humans on the face of the planet.

i guess i’m a target because i have fluorescent hair. but still, i think that once i explain that i’m a christian that they should be okay with that and move on, but no, not for little jaimie.

stupid girl: “so, are you a christian?”
me: “uh. yeah. are you?”
“i sure am!”
“uh that’s great.” please go away.
“what church do you go to?”

whatthehell difference will that make?
“i go to the lutheran church down the road.”
“the what?”
mental sigh “i’m lutheran.”
“oh. is that…is that a christian church?”

oh fuck. did you drop out of high school or something?
“yes. it is.”
“so you believe in jesus? sometimes you just never know about these churches these days.”

yep those new-fangled lutherans,ya just never know WHAT they believe, and right now baby jesus wants you to stop bothering me.
“yes. i believe in bab- in jesus. yes, love the jesus.”
“oh. i see. well can i ask you a question?” like, that’s new?

oh fuck here it comes. if you ask me if i were to die right now if i would go to heaven i think a piece of me will die inside.

“if you were to die right now, would you go to heaven?”

hmm, i dunno, before or after all the terrible thoughts i’ve just had?

it’s times like these that i wish i had a gun or big knife.
“i don’t know! let’s find out! and i’m takin’ you with me!”

after i feel the small piece that died inside of me, um, die, i say, “yes. are we done now?” no more polite.

[dear god, call your minions off me. amen]

also, does that garbage ever work? i mean, is that line of questioning just the thing to warm the hearts of non-believers? huh? for real? ‘cos i’m thinking that if it pisses off a believer it’s bound to piss off most non-believers.

and hey, for all of you witnessing-types out there, how about edjumacatin’ yourselves on, i dunno, other types of christian churches other than your First Baptist Church of Townsville so that next time someone tells you what christian denomination they are you’ll just say, “cool.” and move the fuck on.

11.13.03
Hi. MY name is Tunses and I am Jaimie’s cat named Tunses. I herd that Jaimie waz telling lieful lies about me becus Scabees told me so. I just want you all to no that I am a nice and gud cat kitty cat. I am luving cat kitty cat and I luv Jaimie all the tim. I even sleep at the end of her bed and chas away bad dreems for her becus I am so gud and nis cat kitty cat. I nevr skrach or bit her and I always go ‘meew’ befor i jump on her to give her a heds up hello! That is what nis cat kitty cat am I. All of Jaimies frends luv me. They say how grat and luvable I am. Wen Jaimie comes back from leaving I always run out to greet her and i purr and meew and roll and show her my belly to say, ‘Hi Jaimie! I love you this much!’ See how much I luv her? And what dus she do? She tells lieing lies on me and oh wait her she comes act cool

OH MAN THAT WAS SO CLOS!

She came in and piked me up and thru me down and said, ‘Get off the keyboard, dammit!’ that means she luvs me ‘cos she did not thru me out of the room she let me sta. Oh well I better stop now incase she comes back and thros me out for reel. I luv you and Jaimie becus I am a gud cat kitty cat!

luv,
Tunses

PS. Scabees says hi!

PPS. Blue Dog is mean!

11.06.03
i saw The Matrix III last night.
it was surprisingly terrible.

i mean, it was so bad that as i sat there watching it and trying not to fall asleep during the whole GIANT HONKING WAR sequence, i thought, “this is reminding me of The Abyss.” and i sat there wondering what i’d rather be watching instead of The Matrix III…the first two frodo movies? or all three of the American Pie movies?

yeah, that’s how much it sucked.

i mean, there was one guy whose lines consisted of:
“goddamn it! are you insane?”
“jesus christ that’s crazy!”
“this is insane goddamn it!”
“christ jesus, have you lost your goddamn mind, goddamn it?”
such writing. such acting. i mean hell, do ALL the characters have to be made of wood?

the GIANT HONKING WAR took too long.
i could’ve written a better ending.

the first 30 minutes were cool though.

and oh yeah, Matrix? Tron called, they want their giant talking head back. thanks.

11.03.03
i have a nemisis.
her name is Toonces.
she is a cat.
a whorecat.

that cat manages to screw up my perfect, early morning, very important, if i don’t get this sleep then i am cranky all day, sleep. every morning. i hate her.

it didn’t used to be this way. we used to be pals. when i was in college we were best buddies. but now we’re all grown up, and i think we’ve both gotten a whole lot crankier.

what did the cat do this time you ask?
did she jump on my head at 4:30am?
did she make biscuits on my face at 5am?
did she meow for a constant 30 minutes at 5:30am?

nay, THIS time the cat did none of those things. because THIS time i remembered to put her ass outside before i went to bed.

so THIS time my sleep should not have been disturbed by any sort of feline mayhem. but oh, that Toonces is clever. THIS time i was awakened at 4am by the unholy sounds of Catfight Sex. i swear it sounded like there were 40 cats outside my bedroom window all howling and waiting for a turn at Toonces, who was also howling. there was howling, screeching, fighting, sexing, singing, screaming, and that other indescribable noise that cats make during Catfight Sex.

so i get up and look at the clock.
the red numbers read: SUCKER
i blinked.
4:03
huh.

so i get up and go to the front door and open it loudly and i growl, “ARGARRRRRIHATEYOUFUCKINGCATSDIEDIEDIE!” and all the cats run away in fear as does Toonces, who usually does not run from me because i pretty much save her from more cat rape, but lately Toonces and i are not on speaking terms. this is due to her Feline Morning Mayhem on my head and the anger that ensues. so anyway, great. no more cats.

but it’s never that easy.

‘cos by the time i got to the door the dogs in the backyard had also heard the unmistakable sounds of Catfight Sex. So Blue and Scabielynn proceeded to bark until dawn. i’m not sure if the girls were mad because they heard the cats, or if they were jealous ‘cos they weren’t getting any. all i know is that from 4am-5am i was awake and plotting the violent deaths of the neighborhood cats. i’m not gonna fault Toonces for being the sexiest cat in the ‘hood. but still, i hate her for being able to mess up my sleep without having to be in the house.

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