Grace Jones. Yes, that Grace Jones.

Category: dribblings

Last night Mr. Fleegan and I were watching Conan the Destroyer. It was actually my choice, so don’t feel bad for me. When it started I told him that I hadn’t seen it in many, many years.

He said, “This one has Grace Jones in it.”

“Your mama?”

“Yep.”

His mother does share the name, but that is where the similarities stop. And now that I think about it, you can say that for all the other Grace Joneses out there as well.

“There was a two year period, when I was a kid, where Grace Jones was EVERYWHERE.”

“I saw her every day.”

“Not your mom. I’m talking about Grace Mother Fucking Jones.”

“oh.”

“SHE WAS EVERYWHERE. And I found her terrifying and amazing at the same time.”

“Amazing?”

“She wore the crazieset outfits, had weird hair, seemed to have super-human strength, and I don’t recall anyone giving her any shit about it.”

“They were probably afraid of her.”

“Exactly. But I also felt bad for her.”

“Why?”

“Well, what if sometimes she just wanted to be girly?”

“Then she could change.”

“Change what? She’s 7 feet tall, has no boobs or hips or curves. She’s a rake. It’s not like a wig and a Little House on the Prairie dress will help.”

“Little House on the Prairie?”

“And have you ever seen her feet?”

“No?”

“I’m assuming they’re a size 900.”

“Jaimie-”

“What? I’m just saying. I mean, yes, she’s done well for herself, but what if she wants to be the vulnerable one? Maybe she wants a giant cyclops to hold her and tell her everything is going to be okay? Can she be a warrior forever? These are the things I think about.”

“Did you just say cyclops?”

“No!”

“Oh.”

“I said giant cyclops.”

“I’m not sure what you’re talking about, but according to this website, at one point Dolph Lundgren was her bodyguard?”

“No way!”

“Way.”

“Why would she need a body guard? She could be a body guard. Oh wait! It’s a switcheroo. She’s Padme and He was Queen Amidala.”

“um-”

“What if, in the movie Bodyguard? She was Whitney’s bodyguard?”

“No.”

“I’ve never seen Bodyguard. But I think if that had been the cast? Yes. I would’ve watched that.”

“But who would’ve saved Whitney from her?”

“I don’t know, but have you noticed that she’s been in this movie for 8 minutes and so far her 20 lines have all been, “YAAAAAAH!”?”

“It is her talent.”

“I want to go back in time and tell her that she’s a beautiful, strong, black woman.”

“Is she dead?”

“No.”

“Then what the hell has she been doing for the last 25 years?”

“I don’t know, wrestling centaurs?”

“why go back in time? Why not tell her now?”

“She’s probably old enough to realize that she’s a beautiful, strong, black woman now. I’m just hoping that someone told her back then. Someone other than Andy Warhol.”

“…”

“I hope she finally found a nice giant she could settle down with. Someone to share her fur-lined cave with. And who will massage her massive feet when they ache.”

 

 

 

here’s a link to a russian site that has the YAAAAAH fight scene. it is totally worth two minutes of your time.

 

 

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