The First Ladies Hit the Skates.

Category: dribblings

Well, we did it. The First Ladies finally put their money where there mouth is and went roller skating. There was Snatchie Onassis, Shreddy Ford, and I (Ladyjuggs Johnson), Phil Abustercherry, and Liz (I can’t remember Liz’z nickname, it’s either Yellinwhore Roosevelt or Barbwire Bush.)

I was terrified. I’ve been dreading our skating adventure since it’s inception. And anytime Snatchie or Shreddy would mention it I’d break out in hives and make good excuses for why we shouldn’t go skating. Good excuses such as,

1. we don’t know how to skate.
2. we’re too old.
3. our bones are made of glass, i think.
4. trips to the ER are expensive.

Anytime I tried to make an excuse Shreddy would tell me to stop being a titty baby. That’s what she would call me. Have you ever been called a titty baby? Let me tell you, it sucks. NO ONE wants to be a titty baby.

So we went to the roller rink, rented some real shitty skates, and roller skated.

It had been about 25 years since I last skated. When my parents found out I was going skating they told me not to. “You’re going to break something.”

“I know.”

“Jaimie, you hated skating when you were little.”

“I know.”

“Justin liked it. He did okay. But you… you sucked at skating.”

“Thanks, Mom.”

“Well, it’s true!”

“I KNOW.”

This skating thing was like a huge fear. I’m not a fan of pain, and I knew there would be falling down. And finally, when I handed over my ticket for the rental skates I realized that I was really going to try to skate, and if I fell down and got hurt, it probably wouldn’t be the end of the world.

We skated!

It was not pretty. It was slow and flail-y, and I know I looked like a mental case the way I was hunched over to try to keep my center of balance low and in front. I have no idea what anyone else looked like while they were making their way around the rink, because I could not look up, I could only look at the floor in front of my skates. It was difficult. But fun. and then? I fell.

I fell hard. I was skating and then I ran over a small tiny, what looked like a broom straw. Well, I didn’t run over it actually, my skate hit it and came to a complete stop and I went down hitting my knee and then next I knew my face was on the floor. I heard a loud smacking sound. which was probably my hand because I have the weirdest bruise ever on my hand. This fall happend right at the front of the rink and some kid’s parent was all, “OH MY GOD ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?!”  and I was all, “Maybe?” and then someone else said, “What are you doing on the ground, Jaimie?” It was Phil. He was late to the party so he was sitting there lacing up his skates.

I got up and my knee was all, “We’re done, right?”

I’m standing there, talking to Phil, and let me repeat, I’m standing, not skating, not moving. I can’t explain what happened next. My legs scooby-dooed backward and I hit the rink again, this time landing on my elbow and side. I skinned my elbow. I basically fell down TWICE in less than 20 seconds. The lady was all, “Honey are you sure you’re okay? Maybe you should take a break?”

“Oh ow. I know. But if I don’t get back out there and skate I’ll lose my nerve.”

I managed to stay up the rest of the time. But oy, the damage is done. I’ve a bruise on my knee, elbow, wrist, and palm. And I jacked my shoulder when I hit my elbow, so it basically hurts to move my arm, and typing this? hurts my wrist. which is why i’m only telling the short version and I won’t get into the nice middle school kid who became my personal cheerleader. He was a really polite kid and would skate over every so often and tell me what a great job I was doing.

Snatchie fell twice as well, but I didn’t see her fall. I think she hurt her shoulder as well.  Shreddy, Phil, and Barb didn’t fall.

One thing I know is that I’m way too old and fragile to be learning how to roller skate. Another thing I know is that I can’t wait to go again.

Now, where is that bottle of Aleve?

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