So this older lady comes up to the desk to check out something and I tell her that she has an old $2.00 fine on her card. She says, “Oh okay.”

Then she puts her hand down INTO HER BRA, PULLS OUT AN OLD LOOKING BANK ENVELOPE, SELECTS TWO ONE BUCKS, AND HANDS THEM TO ME AS IF IT IS NO BIG DEAL THAT

A. SHE KEEPS MONEY BETWIXED HER BOOBS AND

B. THAT IT IS COMPLETELY OKAY TO PAY FOR THINGS WITH MONEY THAT YOU KEEP BETWIXED YOUR BOOBS.

And I know that the sentence I just typed doesn’t actually make sense but I’m going to blame it not on my lazy editing skills, but on the fact that my brain has melted because I had to take money that had been nestled in someone’s boobular region. This should NEVER happen in real life because we now have the technological advancement of clothing with POCKETS as well as a plethora of purse choices. In point of fact, you could buy a purse with the money you stash in your boobs, and then you could keep your money in the purse you just bought.
EVERYONE WINS. (Except the cashier. Cashier, you just took one for the team, be proud.)

I am sexist and age-ist and I’m not alone:
If she had been a hot chick? I would have called everyone I know and told them, “DOOD. A stripper just paid a library fine in BOOB MONEY.”

“Say what?”

“She reached into The Vault and paid me in singles that were probably covered in cocaine.”

“Lucky day!”

“Right?”

But no, since she was an old, warthog-faced hag? Imma read her for not using a fucking pants pocket like the rest of us. There is nothing glamorous about your limp, tit-sweat-soaked dollars, ma’am. FOR THE LOVE OF LOVE.

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