5.24.06

Category: dribblings

i’m not sure if i ate some bad pork or if i had a hangover. the good news is, today i felt much better.

dad brought the black jeep back and he had washed and waxed it. it looks so nice. so then today i was all, “hey, do you need to borrow the red one?” hee.

so i decided i should wash and wax the red one. easy enough, right? so i call laura to ask her something or tell her something or whatever. shut up, i don’t HAVE to have a reason to call laura, okay? so i tell her about how i’m gonna wash the car but that i’m dreading it ‘cos…Crazy Margaret.

so laura suggests that i wash it at my parents house or even at her house. but i say no, thank you, ‘cos i shouldn’t be afraid to wash my own car at my own house. an hour and a half later laura gets another phone call from me that went something like this:
“dude. you were right.”

“about what? oh. margaret?”

“yes.”

“dude, i told you.”

“dude, an hour and a half.”

“what did i tell you?”

“i know. next time i’m washing it at your house.”

“that’s what i’m talking about.”

“she is so crazy. it’s amazing.”

“you have mentioned this.”

“she keeps telling me that my dogs are getting cancer because this lady up the street has cancer and she passes it on to her dogs and they come up to my fence and then my dogs sniff at her dogs and the cancer is transfered over to my dogs.”

“that is some serious crazy.”

“don’t i know it. she tells me this every time i see her. i’m going to hear it so much that i’m going to start believing in it.”

“no, you won’t.”

“i’ll be sitting around with a bunch of people and someone will bring up bird flu or something and i’ll say something like, “yeah, but what about that Airborne Dog Cancer i keep hearing so much about?” and everyone will be all whispering to each other, “is jaimie off her meds?” “i don’t think she takes meds.” “she should take some meds.” “pro’ly, she’s the Mayor of Crazytown you know.” “omg, have you met her neighbor, margaret? she’s CRAZY.” “i KNOW!” you watch, it’ll happen.”

“i seriously don’t think you’re going to start talking about Airborne Dog Cancer in public.”

“oh, you mean A.D.C.? i’ve heard of that.”

i totally made up the last part. but honestly, it’s not such a stretch.

so yeah, margaret and i hung out this afternoon. i got to hear about:

Airbone Dog Cancer
birds
squirrels
spiders
dogs
spiders
her three sons, one of which is my age and works at Logan’s
Lola
spiders
Lola’s spiders
sean

who is sean, you might be wondering? i wondered too.

“margaret, who’s sean?”

“what do you mean “who’s sean?””

“um, who are you talking about?”

“the man who owns the brown dog.”

“you mean my boyfriend?”

“yeah!”

“his name is jimmy.”

“oh. well i mean the other guy. in the white car.”

“…that’s… jimmy.”

“oh, then who’s the other guy?”

“i…don’t know. i’ve never seen him.”

“well, he must be sean then.”

obviously. then she asked me a million questions about the dogs, the jeeps, me, sean, if i’ve seen any spiders, etc.

i told her i used to work at a sign shop.

“what’s a sign shop?”

“…it’s….a place that makes…signs.”

“oh. uh, how much does one of them tires cost?”

“tires?”

“yeah, one of them tires there. are they expensive?”

“they’re expensive to me.”

“oh, do you think it’s gonna rain today?”

“i’m washing my car, so it will rain today or tomorrow.”

“huh? oh. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!”

wow, she LOVED that one. i mean, she laughed like crazy.

in other yard news:

I AM OVERRUN WITH BIRDS AND I HATE BIRDS SO MUCH THAT I WOULD KILL THEM ALL WITH A GUN IF
A. I OWNED  A GUN AND
B. IF I WOULDN’T GO TO JAIL FOR SHOOTING A GUN IN THE CITY AND
C. IF I WASN’T SO AFRAID THAT I’D ACCIDENTALLY SHOOT OUT A NEIGHBOR’S WINDOW

i hate birds and i have so many of them and MY DOGS do not CARE about the birds. they just want squirrels. and these birds are FEARLESS. i hate that even more than just plain ol’ birds. these birds give me the finger when i go outside. they are SO not afraid of me! this is not cool. i need some kind of long range Bird Taser.

these birds evoke such a rage in me that i totally want to kill them all and as soon as i find out a way to get rid of them they are SO GONE. fuck you birds and fuck you vegan animal lover faggots.

send hate mail to lizfinlayson@hotmail.com

is my bird wrath showing?
there was a dead bird stuck (STUCK, as in, IT WAS IN A FINAL STAGE OF DECOMPOSITION) stuck to the roof of my jeep.

how the hell does that even happen?
do you SEE how these birds are?! DO YOU?! BECAUSE I DON’T THINK YOU DO!

ps: DIE BIRDS! I’LL KILL YOU ALL!

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